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Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:55

@WillIEverBeOk

You don't even know me, you ridiculous person Grin
God forbid someone should play devil's advocate on here!

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 11:52

A wedding should not take over and consume everything and everyone for months on end. It’s just one bloody day!

Absolutely. My mum and I organised my wedding. My sister was bridesmaid and just turned up for the day. No-one else was involved.

HowToSaveAWife · 15/02/2025 11:52

If you're a group of four friends, I don't understand the justification of just leaving you out. I could understand if it was bride's best friend and a sister but to have two out of three friends and totally freezes out the third friend is just weird, bitchy behaviour.

Enjoy Thailand!

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 11:49

BeMoreAmandaland · 15/02/2025 11:41

The point here is how hurt she feels and how difficult the day will be to get through, it's not as if she threw a wobbly and declared she's not going but I can't blame her for choosing to accept the invitation which will not only bring her happiness but is from someone who values her rather than spend it with people who objectively haven't for some time now.

Show quote history

The person who invited her to Thailand has only invited her because the original friend she was going to travel with dropped out. This isn’t valuing OP, this is filling up the empty spot so the trip doesn’t fall through.

BeMoreAmandaland · 15/02/2025 11:41

JeremiahBullfrog · 15/02/2025 11:22

If someone had been a close friend of mine a mere eight months ago, I would not be rescinding my acceptance of a wedding invite just because I had been given an unexpected opportunity to go on holiday. The exception would be if we had had a major falling out.

You haven't been terribly well-treated but destroying a friendship over this is childish.

The point here is how hurt she feels and how difficult the day will be to get through, it's not as if she threw a wobbly and declared she's not going but I can't blame her for choosing to accept the invitation which will not only bring her happiness but is from someone who values her rather than spend it with people who objectively haven't for some time now.

Ontherocksthisyear · 15/02/2025 11:40

Send the message and be done with it. She should have tried harder to maintain the friendship. But she was only thinking about herself and is still continuing to do so. It's a wedding, people get so worked up over them.

PrincessofWells · 15/02/2025 11:32

The Nana Beach Hotel nr Chumphon is lovely, £30 a night.

Enjoy your trip to Thailand 😃

Lavenderblossoms · 15/02/2025 11:26

Go travelling op and leave these in the dust where they belong.

They are not your friends.

Alwaytired44 · 15/02/2025 11:23

CollaterlieSistersSister · 15/02/2025 05:04

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.

Am I being thick, but presumably you mean the other two as bridesmaids? So why was the other woman chosen?

This confused me too as that would make 5 people in total!!

JeremiahBullfrog · 15/02/2025 11:22

If someone had been a close friend of mine a mere eight months ago, I would not be rescinding my acceptance of a wedding invite just because I had been given an unexpected opportunity to go on holiday. The exception would be if we had had a major falling out.

You haven't been terribly well-treated but destroying a friendship over this is childish.

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 11:11

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 15/02/2025 11:08

Hello you must be the bride(zilla) 🤣

Show quote history

Yes that’s me 😈

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 15/02/2025 11:08

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:25

I’m having trouble believing some aspects of the OP’s perception of events. She says at the time braidsmauds were chosen they were still friends on the surface. This indicates that even at that time there were perceived issues. Are you saying that up to that point all four of you were meeting regularly and all of you were a close knit group and it was only after the bridesmaid selection that you felt excluded? I have a feeling all four of you were not as close to each other as you think you were. Sounds like the bride chose her two closest friends and YOU felt that you should have been included.

Then you say you assumed that the hen do will be a dinner…did anyone ever mention a dinner to you? Was it really so out of the blue that they booked a spa without anyone ever mentioning it to you? And when you found out that it was spa and what the costs were why did you not say NO then? Because you were planning to go to the spa whatever the costs weren’t you? And you accepted to go.

My guess is that you now have what you consider a better opportunity to spend your money (in Thailand) and are trying to make everyone else sound shit. If this trip hadn’t appeared, my guess is you would have gladly gone to the hen spa and gone to the wedding. What you are now doing is you are looking for excuses to make yourself look better. Money for the spa were never the problem and so you accepted to go to the spa. The spa and the wedding became the problem only after you decided you’d rather spend the money for a trip.

Absolutely fine you don’t want to go to the wedding but own your reasons and don’t blame the bride for choosing her closest people as bridesmaids. And it’s a bit shit to have said you will go to the spa and then pull out two weeks before. Because you didn’t just find out the costs today, did you? You knew it was a spa and you knew the costs. You are only pulling out because a better option came along. Just be an adult and own your choices.

Edited

Hello you must be the bride(zilla) 🤣

ClockingOffers · 15/02/2025 11:05

JMSA · 15/02/2025 10:53

I think you're being a little petty, sorry. It's not like you weren't invited to the wedding; you're not a bridesmaid because the two sets of best friends are.
Remember that the wedding is just a snapshot in time, and will be over soon enough, with things going back to normal. Presumably you've been friends for years and they've been thoughtful enough when not consumed by wedding fever?!
If you're happy to let those friendships go, by all means go on holiday with the other person. I just feel it's a bit short-sighted if they've otherwise been good friends over the years.

Wedding fever??

A wedding should not take over and consume everything and everyone for months on end. It’s just one bloody day!

Anyone that insists on being the centre of attention for weeks on end is taking themselves far too seriously and unlikely to ever have been a good friend in the first place.

I think the OP is right to move on and quietly drop the three of them.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/02/2025 11:03

JMSA · 15/02/2025 10:53

I think you're being a little petty, sorry. It's not like you weren't invited to the wedding; you're not a bridesmaid because the two sets of best friends are.
Remember that the wedding is just a snapshot in time, and will be over soon enough, with things going back to normal. Presumably you've been friends for years and they've been thoughtful enough when not consumed by wedding fever?!
If you're happy to let those friendships go, by all means go on holiday with the other person. I just feel it's a bit short-sighted if they've otherwise been good friends over the years.

You’ve misunderstood the dynamic because OP made a mistake in her OP.

The friendship group was 4 women. Two sets of best friends.

Bride plus bride’s BF

OP plus OP’s BF.

There are two bridesmaids, not three- Bride’s BF and OP’s BF. According to OP, her BF was made a bridesmaid because she is dating the Best Man.

So essentially over the last 8 months OP has been sidelined by the whole group, including her own BF, who has become more integrated with the other two due to wedding chat from which OP has been excluded, despite her best efforts to join in.

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 10:57

JMSA · 15/02/2025 10:53

I think you're being a little petty, sorry. It's not like you weren't invited to the wedding; you're not a bridesmaid because the two sets of best friends are.
Remember that the wedding is just a snapshot in time, and will be over soon enough, with things going back to normal. Presumably you've been friends for years and they've been thoughtful enough when not consumed by wedding fever?!
If you're happy to let those friendships go, by all means go on holiday with the other person. I just feel it's a bit short-sighted if they've otherwise been good friends over the years.

You obviously don't have self respect. Petty is not having your best friend as bridesmaid but others. Petty is not consulting best friend about the hens do and expecting her to pay an expensive amount. You may not have self respect, but the OP clearly does and isn't going to put up with being badly treated.

JMSA · 15/02/2025 10:53

I think you're being a little petty, sorry. It's not like you weren't invited to the wedding; you're not a bridesmaid because the two sets of best friends are.
Remember that the wedding is just a snapshot in time, and will be over soon enough, with things going back to normal. Presumably you've been friends for years and they've been thoughtful enough when not consumed by wedding fever?!
If you're happy to let those friendships go, by all means go on holiday with the other person. I just feel it's a bit short-sighted if they've otherwise been good friends over the years.

PensionMention · 15/02/2025 10:51

Really now moving forward it’s how you get on with your best friend, have you not discussed any of this with her?

The bride to be top at the class, well not for me ever but it just would not bother me.

BeMoreAmandaland · 15/02/2025 10:46

Even an exercise class once a week was done in a bride to be top.

What a knob 😂

I'm sorry you've been so unfairly treated op & hope you have a wonderful holiday

Edit: although, to be fair, the bride to be top in exercise classes is a very Amanda-from-Amandaland thing to do!

SerafinasGoose · 15/02/2025 10:45

All this angst over weddings.

Cannot compute.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2025 10:43

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:14

I don’t think there would be much of a friendship after this beyond lunch together once a year anyway.

God. You don't have to have matching 'groomsmen' (when did they stop being ushers?) and bridesmaids,

Your (former) friend is a bridezilla, she's got three months to fill your place and as you weren't consulted about the Hen she can get lost

Go travelling!

cooldarkroom · 15/02/2025 10:40

Dear bride to be,
Lets be honest, you haven't included me in any of the preparations even though I offered.
We do not have the close relationship I thought we had.
I cannot come, but wish you a wonderful day/life

Whyherewego · 15/02/2025 10:39

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:38

Thanks. I sent the text. I used yours @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

I hope they actually stop and look back at the last 8 months and realise I am right before getting too upset.

This won't happen.
You'll be seen as the one who got grumpy about not being a bridesmaid and pulled out of everything.
Now if you don't want to remain friends, who cares.
If you do, I'd personally just say that you are gutted not to be there but circumstances have conspired which mean you can't make it and buy a nice present for them. Maybe try to do at least part of the hen do to show willing

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:34

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 10:30

Oh look. The bride is on this thread.

Show quote history

Yes because only the bride can have an opinion differing from yours.

RampantIvy · 15/02/2025 10:30

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 10:25

I’m having trouble believing some aspects of the OP’s perception of events. She says at the time braidsmauds were chosen they were still friends on the surface. This indicates that even at that time there were perceived issues. Are you saying that up to that point all four of you were meeting regularly and all of you were a close knit group and it was only after the bridesmaid selection that you felt excluded? I have a feeling all four of you were not as close to each other as you think you were. Sounds like the bride chose her two closest friends and YOU felt that you should have been included.

Then you say you assumed that the hen do will be a dinner…did anyone ever mention a dinner to you? Was it really so out of the blue that they booked a spa without anyone ever mentioning it to you? And when you found out that it was spa and what the costs were why did you not say NO then? Because you were planning to go to the spa whatever the costs weren’t you? And you accepted to go.

My guess is that you now have what you consider a better opportunity to spend your money (in Thailand) and are trying to make everyone else sound shit. If this trip hadn’t appeared, my guess is you would have gladly gone to the hen spa and gone to the wedding. What you are now doing is you are looking for excuses to make yourself look better. Money for the spa were never the problem and so you accepted to go to the spa. The spa and the wedding became the problem only after you decided you’d rather spend the money for a trip.

Absolutely fine you don’t want to go to the wedding but own your reasons and don’t blame the bride for choosing her closest people as bridesmaids. And it’s a bit shit to have said you will go to the spa and then pull out two weeks before. Because you didn’t just find out the costs today, did you? You knew it was a spa and you knew the costs. You are only pulling out because a better option came along. Just be an adult and own your choices.

Edited

Oh look. The bride is on this thread.

Givemebackmygirlhood · 15/02/2025 10:25

My best friend couldn’t come to my wedding because she was away travelling. I understood completely! We are still best friends and she loved her travels and my wedding day was just a day. We missed her of course but I wouldn’t have stopped her or made her feel guilty for anything in the world. Any bride who feels differently isn’t a true friend and has lost perspective on their day, in my opinion. So go travelling and enjoy yourself!