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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for Not going to a wedding I rsvped yes too.

245 replies

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 04:47

Another wedding one.
I was part of a close friendship group of four women, each a pair of best friends that spent a lot of time all together.

One friend got engaged and is only having the other three as bridesmaids, my best friend is dating the grooms best friend so this makes sense.
I was disappointed but just had to get on with it, I offered to help with the planning etc. It’s been 8 months since the engagement and I have only seen the other three four times and the last they just talked about the wedding and experiences they had with out me so I wasn’t part of the conversation. I gave up asking to catch up with them a while ago because they were always doing wedding stuff and I was told no. I have spent time with another friend who is going travelling, the person she was going with can’t go now and I have been asked to go instead. But I would have to miss the wedding to go ( dates can’t be changed).

I sent a text letting the bride know I am no longer able to attend the wedding and I got back pages and pages on text saying disappointed she is as we are such close friends, and that I can just miss her wedding and she booked her hens weekend assuming I would be there.

I just want to scream. The cost of the hens weekend and cost for going to the wedding will nearly be as much as half of the holiday.

I want to write back, we aren’t really friends anymore. I felt like I was pushed out the group a while ago, so I moved on.
I wish you all the best in your celebrations, but I won’t be attending.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 16/02/2025 02:25

Looks like you're dodging a bullet by skipping the wedding. You would have been left on your own since the bridal party would be busy doing their roles.

Them doing couple things and leaving you out is awful.

Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 16/02/2025 01:56

Oh and the think my best friend had a word with the bride as I haven’t had any more horrible text messages from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noweddingformeow · 16/02/2025 01:55

My original post was very jumbled sorry.
There is 1 bride
her best friend as maid of honour
my best who is dating the grooms friend as a bridesmaid.

We were all close and saw each other at least once a fortnight before the engagement. I was upset at not being included, but still really wanted to be part of the planning. But even if the bride just wanted the three of them to go dress shopping and looking at venues that wouldn’t have taken every weekend in the past 8 months.

They were just spending time together without me.

The last time we all caught up I was told it was dinner and drinks and there would be 6 of us going to the hens night. At some point a few months ago they changed the plans to the spa. They did send an email which I missed and didn’t realise the plans had changed until after I said I wasn’t going to the wedding, I then said I wouldn’t be going to the hens due to the cost. But I didn’t agree to the spa before they booked it.

My best friend has been in touch and it has been nice. She explained that it wasn’t that they didn’t want to spend time with me, but that as I am single they are all doing couple group outings. I said look at our text history and could how many times I reached out and was told they were doing wedding stuff that didn’t include me.

I told her when I will be back from travelling and she can get in touch then if she likes (I wont hold my breath) but I won’t be going to the hens or wedding.

I am aware that I was just a last minute invite to travel with, but I want to move on with my life.

I appreciate all the replies, I don’t feel so humiliated now. Xx

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 15/02/2025 15:19

On the point of sticking with the first invitation you've accepted. In general, I'd agree.

But there are two disclaimers here. Not choosing OP as a bridesmaid is neither here nor there: the bride can do as she likes in this respect (and who wants the hassle in any case) but the group's increasing drawing together whilst leaving her out in the cold is not the behaviour of supposed friends. That's without the burden of expectation placed on the hen event, which they apparently forgot to communicate to her.

The second point is that this isn't merely a competing wedding invitation that the OP is now revoking because she's seen the chance of a better party. Nor has she flaked out at the last minute; she's given plenty of notice. It's a rare travel opportunity that typically doesn't come up on any kind of regular basis. And it really doesn't matter that OP was chosen as a 'back up' option. Friendship dynamics have shifted since plans for both the wedding/hen and holiday were originally formed.

The bride has made her own decisions, and seemingly these didn't leave much room for including the OP. Now OP has made hers. You reap what you sow.

ArtTheClown · 15/02/2025 14:53

I’m not sure really, the bride hasn’t done anything wrong in not choosing you as a bridesmaid and I’m a great believer in sticking with the first invite you’ve accepted.

It's more that since the bridesmaids are chosen, OP has been sidelined by all of them, including her own supposed best friend.

Happyhettie · 15/02/2025 14:22

Go to Thailand and have a fabulous time. If they were your friends you’d have been included in the last 8 months.

Chillibeds · 15/02/2025 13:58

When I got married 30+ years ago the numbers were finalised 72 hours before the day.

The only thing pre purchased by me was champagne and wine, so no wastage as it was well cleared!

No favours, no nothing. Free bar though.

I wouldn't have blinked an eye if I got a sorry cannot make it before then, and didn't.

We had a few drinks as a "hen night" as we had zero interest in such things.

Absolutely no way would I be interested and prepared to give up so much time, money, effort for general friends.

I can well understand my niece with a large circle of friends being positively allergic after a few years or this merry-go-round.

I hear there is a bit of push back in my friends daughters circle, since covid.
They simply are not interested in the huge spend when buying and furnishing a home is their real priority.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 15/02/2025 13:47

Sounds like you’ll have happy memories of the holiday to look back on and not many happy memories of the wedding so go for the holiday. You’ve given plenty of notice and your friends haven’t treated you well. Their loss.

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 13:38

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:49

I don't think the Thailand friend should come under suspicion here. What's wrong with inviting another on a trip if the original co-traveller drops out? And it's entirely up to OP if she wants to get upset about that or just go on the trip.

Show quote history

She is definitely not coming under suspicion. It’s not what I have said. If I were OP I would also go on the trip. My point was different.

LushLemonTart · 15/02/2025 13:21

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:17

After reading through all this, I'm starting to think that if I were the groom to be, I'd be going to Thailand too instead of my own wedding...

🤣 I thought similar

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 13:07

JMSA · 15/02/2025 11:55

@WillIEverBeOk

You don't even know me, you ridiculous person Grin
God forbid someone should play devil's advocate on here!

You don't know me or the OP either, so stop being ridiculous yourself. You're being hypocritical. Advocating for the status quo of a woman being a simpering handmaiden is NOT 'devils advocate', lol.

LushLemonTart · 15/02/2025 13:02

I'm so glad you're going travelling instead. Bride is giving me bridezilla vibes tbh.

Rosybud88 · 15/02/2025 12:53

Go on your trip and move forward, not all friends are forever and if nobody has shown any regard for you then sod them. I’m particularly disappointed that your best friend seemingly hasn’t stepped in. I hope you have an amazing adventure!

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:49

LoveWine123 · 15/02/2025 11:49

The person who invited her to Thailand has only invited her because the original friend she was going to travel with dropped out. This isn’t valuing OP, this is filling up the empty spot so the trip doesn’t fall through.

Show quote history

I don't think the Thailand friend should come under suspicion here. What's wrong with inviting another on a trip if the original co-traveller drops out? And it's entirely up to OP if she wants to get upset about that or just go on the trip.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/02/2025 12:35

HowToSaveAWife · 15/02/2025 11:52

If you're a group of four friends, I don't understand the justification of just leaving you out. I could understand if it was bride's best friend and a sister but to have two out of three friends and totally freezes out the third friend is just weird, bitchy behaviour.

Enjoy Thailand!

It seems that the reason given was that the groom was going to have two “groomsmen” (not a fan of that expression) and so they wanted there to be the same number of bridesmaids.

The bride’s best friend got slot 1 and OP’s best friend got slot 2 because she was dating one of the “groomsmen”.

I don’t think OP is all that fussed about being left out of the official roles at the wedding. What has upset her is that her three friends now talk about nothing but wedding logistics and that excludes her from most of their conversations/meetups.

HotCrossBunplease · 15/02/2025 12:31

Alwaytired44 · 15/02/2025 11:23

This confused me too as that would make 5 people in total!!

Show quote history

She’s clarified it, click see all. It was a mistake in the OP.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/02/2025 12:30

MyDeftDuck · 15/02/2025 07:23

And for clarity......there was room in the car for an extra passenger.

I am so sorry that "friend" was so very thoughtless towards you. No wonder you were hurt. Most anyone would have been. Mumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:17

After reading through all this, I'm starting to think that if I were the groom to be, I'd be going to Thailand too instead of my own wedding...

PinkPonyClub25 · 15/02/2025 12:12

I'd go to Thailand and not give it a seconds thought. This friendship is clearly dead and they only have themselves to blame.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:11

Noweddingformeow · 15/02/2025 05:14

I don’t think there would be much of a friendship after this beyond lunch together once a year anyway.

Do you care? Will this make you sad or can you feel a sense of liberation coming...?

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 15/02/2025 12:06

Please do move on because you have said you feel you were pushed out of the group a while ago. Also, the bride sounds a nightmare if she's giving you this much hassle for saying you can't come. Weddings must do some very strange things to people.
Is your travelling friend part of this group? She sounds a better bet. Go off with her and have a good time, if you can afford it. TBH I think you'd be well shot of the wedding lot. Time to forge a new life with new friends... or even just a dog?
I'm starting to feel 'friends' are overrated...

ValentineValentineV · 15/02/2025 12:03

I’m not sure really, the bride hasn’t done anything wrong in not choosing you as a bridesmaid and I’m a great believer in sticking with the first invite you’ve accepted.

Growlybear83 · 15/02/2025 12:01

HowToSaveAWife · 15/02/2025 11:52

If you're a group of four friends, I don't understand the justification of just leaving you out. I could understand if it was bride's best friend and a sister but to have two out of three friends and totally freezes out the third friend is just weird, bitchy behaviour.

Enjoy Thailand!

I think the whole attitude about weddings nowadays is weird and I agree that the bride has been very thoughtless, but I thought the OP had said that the bride was only having two bridesmaids and ushers. She had chosen her best friend as a bridesmaid, as you would expect, and had chosen the OP's supposedly best friend as the second bridesmaid because she is in a relationship with one of the two ushers, and for some bizarre reason the bride wanted an equal number of bridesmaids and ushers.

I do think the OP is probably doing the right thing going off to Thailand instead.

5128gap · 15/02/2025 12:00

I'd respond to say I was very surprised to read that was how she felt, as it wasn't the impression i'd got from her behaviour, that I'd not been included on X Y and Z occasion, and so had no reason to think my presence would be that important. That I was sorry if there had been a misunderstanding but I'd made my plans to travel based on that, and that I'd be happy to catch up with the group when I got back. I'd send a nice gift to retain the moral high ground and pack my rucksack sharpish.

AlpacaMittens · 15/02/2025 11:56

You're not being unreasonable. If you don't want to go, just don't go. Enjoy your holiday instead. What you could do if you wanted to, was explain why you're not going - say you've felt pushed out for ages now, and it's no hard feelings but you can't afford it anyway, especially not if it's for a thing you'll feel like a fifth wheel to. Awful of them to exclude just you. How rude.