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Original poster

Was DS, 15, disclosing?

169 replies

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 22:07

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 14/02/2025 22:57

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

As you say, you missed the point completely, so why comment?

Suimai · 14/02/2025 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 22:56

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:53

He wasn’t trying to end it! Admittedly not the greatest comment but I expect he was shocked to hear it and as the DS was clearly playing around at the time, the DH thought it was a joke and rightly said it wasn’t a joking matter. 15 year olds say some pretty dumb stuff so not totally out of order for dh to say that. It’s not the kind of thing you expect t to hear is it? Let’s be honest.

Lots jumping on the post accusing, but you don’t normally have a perfectly rehearsed reaction to disclosures do you. Just because you say the wrong thing if hardly makes you a molester.

Show quote history

Where you there! How brilliant. Someone who can offer insight on what exactly happened and what what is the mind of OP’s husband.

how amazing - and all knowing commentator!

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:53

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 22:40

I can't judge, by ex used to shut down any conversation he found emotionally challenging, which this would be, but her DH does seem a bit overly keen on ending this discussion.

Show quote history

He wasn’t trying to end it! Admittedly not the greatest comment but I expect he was shocked to hear it and as the DS was clearly playing around at the time, the DH thought it was a joke and rightly said it wasn’t a joking matter. 15 year olds say some pretty dumb stuff so not totally out of order for dh to say that. It’s not the kind of thing you expect t to hear is it? Let’s be honest.

Lots jumping on the post accusing, but you don’t normally have a perfectly rehearsed reaction to disclosures do you. Just because you say the wrong thing if hardly makes you a molester.

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 22:53

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:44

Cue everyone pointing to DH being an abuser

Show quote history

A child told his parents he might has been molested. His father intervened to distract him, minimize what he was saying and stop him talking.

of course that is a huge concern and very odd reaction from a loving and protective parent.

husband may be scared of hearing it, may feel guilty that he didn’t stop it or may know who did it. Who knows.

but very very odd

fourelementary · 14/02/2025 22:49

Honestly? Don’t beat around the bush- be honest either in the car or in the dark- say something like “I am really concerned about what you said earlier about being molested…I’m sorry I didn’t handle it right and neither did dad- do you want to tell me more about what you meant?”

Then if he denies or can’t say more- follow up with “if you do need to talk- you can always talk to X or Y (guidance teacher or trusted friend or Coach etc)

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:48

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:44

Cue everyone pointing to DH being an abuser

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I suspect that was the intention.

The 15yo isn't going to disclose like this if the DH had anything to do with it

Birdsongsinging · 14/02/2025 22:47

Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

I think this is odd from you. What is wrong with OP’s reaction?

SleepToad · 14/02/2025 22:45

I know some blokes a bit younger than me. One of whom isn't "right" they are in their 40s . A few years ago it came out the "popular" guy, coach of the football team was abusing lads about 12. My friend was his son's best friend...get your boy alone. Speak to him and try to be ready for what he might say.

In the meantime talk to your husband and find out what he knows...I'm not sure if he does but he shot your boy down very very quickly

WonderingWanda · 14/02/2025 22:45

I would try letting him know at some point that if he ever feels like talking about what happened you will always be there for him however big or small.

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:44

DorothyStorm · 14/02/2025 22:25

I dint like your dh’s reaction at all.

Cue everyone pointing to DH being an abuser

Original poster
Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 22:41

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 14/02/2025 22:37

I was going to say exactly the same. Got any road trips you need to go on?

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Yes i could take him to see my father soon 2.5 hours drive.

OP posts:
Perfectlystill · 14/02/2025 22:40

I don't think your reaction was strange at all OP. You did the right thing and I'd have done the same.

Infuriating that DH fucked it up.

I would go and talk to him in his room tonight.

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 22:40

KilkennyCats · 14/02/2025 22:37

I got that too. It’s quite a reasonable assumption based on what op has written, actually.

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I can't judge, by ex used to shut down any conversation he found emotionally challenging, which this would be, but her DH does seem a bit overly keen on ending this discussion.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:38

How likely is it that OP's son was going to disclose abuse by or involving his father to his mother whilst his father was standing there washing the dishes?

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 22:37

Is there some way you can talk to him alone, maybe on a walk or in the car? People seem to find it easier to open up about difficult things when they're moving rather than sitting facing each other. Sounds like there's something there to be discussed, but you should probably approach him and the subject very carefully.

KilkennyCats · 14/02/2025 22:37

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:31

I don't see how you could possibly be in a position to judge that from what OP's written.

Show quote history

I got that too. It’s quite a reasonable assumption based on what op has written, actually.

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 14/02/2025 22:37

CrowsInMyGarden · 14/02/2025 22:22

I used to take my troubled son out for a car ride as he found it easier to talk if we were not looking at each other

I was going to say exactly the same. Got any road trips you need to go on?

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 22:37

Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

Why is it a strange reaction? She’s done her best to get him to talk @Nursingadvice

arahiganay · 14/02/2025 22:36

It's a bit of a red flag that DH tried to shut down the chat

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:36

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

We’re talking about child sexual abuse and that is your response? A 15yo saying mummy is worse?

penguinbiscuity · 14/02/2025 22:34

Your DH's reaction is obviously unhelpful.

But I'm sorry, gently, I think you need to reflect on yours too.

Which parent was looking after his interests? It might feel to him like neither.

If your DS has been molested, he probably needs you to put his feelings first, find out if he's ok. Suggest he tells someone not to report it necessarily, but so he can process it, if there is anything to tell. Maybe offer him access to counselling. Give him a hug and check he's ok.

Not - put pressure on him to "do the right thing" and feel a duty to people he's never met.

Thinking about reporting can happen later. In the first instance, look after him. He only has one mum and he may really need you to show you care about him, before considering the rest of the world.

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:34

And AIBU is a very weird place to post about this. There might be other more appropriate boards

Maximusdecimus · 14/02/2025 22:34

I don’t like what your DH did.

lnks · 14/02/2025 22:33

Please don’t tell him it’s about preventing it from happening to someone else.

I was raped and when I told my parents I didn’t want to report it to the police because it was too traumatic, this is exactly what was said to me.

All of a sudden it became about protecting others. Not about helping me to heal.