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Original poster

Was DS, 15, disclosing?

169 replies

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 22:07

(Nc for this - msg mn to check out if suspicious)

Ds is 15 and can sometimes be a bit in your face - he plays rugby and he's quite physical, always has been.

He was messing about in kitchen and I said - stop molesting me, just in a joking way.

I work in law and we use non-molestion orders. So i used the word in it's old sense - ie pester or harass. Cue a discussion about the etymology of the word, I'm a bit geeky like that.

Then ds said - I might have been molested when I was young. I was taken aback, and said - were you?

Dh was chopping veg and butted in - don't joke with mummy about things like that. That was annoying and I tried to say to ds - if you were, you must tell someone because its very wrong.

Ds said - I don't know them any more.

I said - doesn't matter because you can stop them doing it to someone else as well as being punished.

But by then he kind of backtracked and dh still trying to minimise.

So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true and it doesn't matter who he tell, us or a teacher or the police.

Since then I've been so worried, and tried to bring it up again. But he plays along for a minute and then says he was joking.

What tf do I do now? I cant make him tell someone. He generally gets a lot of love and attention, happy in school and a great lad, I just dk what's going on.

OP posts:
pentangles · 14/02/2025 23:29

Nursingadvice · 14/02/2025 22:11

This seems like a really strange interaction and reaction from you tbh.

i bet youre tough as boots and proud working class, eh?

rainbowunicorn · 14/02/2025 23:25

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 22:32

[misses point of post completely]

"Mummy"? At 15?

Edited

What's the point of your post other than to try and mock the OP?

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 23:23

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:06

How did your mum react to that?

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@Loglivelove

She said something like “Sarah that’s not funny. Do you know what that means exactly?”

I know everyone is trying to lead you down the path of DH being an abuser, but his reaction is absolutely not unusual given that your DS was playing around. People on here love a good dh molestation story! Sad but true! Absolutely not saying they don’t happen, but ffs…this is really, really stretching!

Dont hound ds for more info atm. You’re likely to make him shut down further.

Remember that kids also have different interpretations of words. Again, absolutely not minimising here. For example,13 year old told his mum he was being touched inappropriately at school. Turns out he was having his hair ruffled by one boy. Yes! Totally wrong, but not thankfully what his DM feared.

As I said absolutely not minimising, just stating facts.

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 23:22

Anon501178 · 14/02/2025 22:32

This is good advice...or maybe could he write or draw about it and give it to you or another trusted adult? Maybe agree a place he could leave it in your bedside drawer or something.

Some things should never be joked about though OP, and molesting is one of them.
I think it was a comment in bad taste, although I guess the positive is that if your DS has got a disclosure it has triggered him opening up about it.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree strange thing to say molest.

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 23:21

Anon501178 · 14/02/2025 22:32

This is good advice...or maybe could he write or draw about it and give it to you or another trusted adult? Maybe agree a place he could leave it in your bedside drawer or something.

Some things should never be joked about though OP, and molesting is one of them.
I think it was a comment in bad taste, although I guess the positive is that if your DS has got a disclosure it has triggered him opening up about it.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree strange thing to say molest.

ASeriesOfTubes · 14/02/2025 23:16

ExercicenformedeZ · 14/02/2025 22:57

As you say, you missed the point completely, so why comment?

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For the same reason you did: because it's a public forum.

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 23:09

Katbum · 14/02/2025 23:02

I'd also think this is massive red flag from DH

Sure it is! Because the DS says he doesn’t know them anymore. Er….weird as dad is chopping veg two feet away.

Original poster
Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:08

tobeornottobe1 · 14/02/2025 23:06

And also do you have other children?

A younger dd

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 23:08

i have no idea because I don’t know any of these people or the wider family dynamic or even the exact way the conversation played out.

I have no idea why a father would shut down a child who was taking about abuse - there are lots of possibilities.

you are certain the dad wasn’t trying to end the conversation. OP who was there and knows him thinks he was. I don’t think I know anything. You are the one claiming to be all seeing.

sorry meant to reply to @Staggeredatthisadmission

tobeornottobe1 · 14/02/2025 23:06

And also do you have other children?

Original poster
Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:06

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 23:05

Remember though that this is mumsnet and men are pretty much hated. Someone will be along shortly to say “Get your ducks lined up and LTB” The DS said he didn’t see them anymore. Everyone needs to stop twisting and read the facts. I once said to my DM “Imagine if I was raped” Think I was around 14 when I said it. Thankfully I’ve never been raped but still said that. Absolutely NOT saying DS is lying, just saying that dh thought he was messing around.

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How did your mum react to that?

OP posts:
tobeornottobe1 · 14/02/2025 23:06

Is DH, your son's father ?

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 23:05

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:58

It's really not odd. OP and her son were joking around and her husband was washing up and didn't notice the shift in tone.

Whatever OP's son might have been going to disclose, it is mind-numbingly obvious to anyone who isn't really, really stretching to implicate the DH that it was not going to be a disclosure about abuse by the DH. And it's really, really nasty to push that interpretation at a parent who is already very worried that they missed a disclosure of abuse by someone from her son.

Show quote history

Remember though that this is mumsnet and men are pretty much hated. Someone will be along shortly to say “Get your ducks lined up and LTB” The DS said he didn’t see them anymore. Everyone needs to stop twisting and read the facts. I once said to my DM “Imagine if I was raped” Think I was around 14 when I said it. Thankfully I’ve never been raped but still said that. Absolutely NOT saying DS is lying, just saying that dh thought he was messing around.

Beekeepingmum · 14/02/2025 23:04

I think context here is really hard to judge, if you said it meant pester, the pretty much anyone with younger siblings has been pestered by them, very different to how we would generally think of molestation now.

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 23:04

DoggoQuestions · 14/02/2025 22:58

As opposed to the all-knowing commenters knowing that DH said that because he's guilty?

I haven’t in any way said the dad is guilty - just that it was an odd reaction. Could be many reasons for it.

None of us know.

could be any number of things.

all we know is it seems unlikely the dad will get to the truth given his reaction so far.

BaMamma · 14/02/2025 23:04

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:00

And the fact that ds said - well i don't (or he could have said maybe I don't) know them any more. I'm sure it wouldn't have been about dh.

If you think DH was just shutting it down as 'not a joking matter' that's fine, but is there any chance it's an ex-friend or a relative of your DH?

ExercicenformedeZ · 14/02/2025 23:03

Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:00

And the fact that ds said - well i don't (or he could have said maybe I don't) know them any more. I'm sure it wouldn't have been about dh.

Of course it isn't your husband! Some people are, frankly, really rather stupid. They believe all kinds of sensationalised 'news' and think that life is a detective novel. You only have to see what happens when someone goes missing, like that poor woman Nicola Bulley. Everyone becomes a detective. It is actually quite gross.

Katbum · 14/02/2025 23:02

I'd also think this is massive red flag from DH

Original poster
Loglivelove · 14/02/2025 23:00

And the fact that ds said - well i don't (or he could have said maybe I don't) know them any more. I'm sure it wouldn't have been about dh.

OP posts:
Suimai · 14/02/2025 23:00

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 22:53

A child told his parents he might has been molested. His father intervened to distract him, minimize what he was saying and stop him talking.

of course that is a huge concern and very odd reaction from a loving and protective parent.

husband may be scared of hearing it, may feel guilty that he didn’t stop it or may know who did it. Who knows.

but very very odd

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I’m not saying I agree it was him. But it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that it is him and he’s still doing it. A child saying that in front of their abuser is usually threatening them that they’re on the verge of exposing them if they don’t stop. Maybe unlikely, but it happens

Staggeredatthisadmission · 14/02/2025 23:00

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 22:56

Where you there! How brilliant. Someone who can offer insight on what exactly happened and what what is the mind of OP’s husband.

how amazing - and all knowing commentator!

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Nope! I wasn’t there, were you? So why is your opinion the right one?

Hamletscigar · 14/02/2025 22:59

I think if you keep emphasising that he needs to tell someone in order to save some one else then he won’t tell you. He needs to tell you for himself. He will know what’s involved in telling the police and he might not be ready for that. I think he’s testing you to see if you’ll make him go to the police and so far you’ve confirmed his suspicions

ExercicenformedeZ · 14/02/2025 22:58

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:38

How likely is it that OP's son was going to disclose abuse by or involving his father to his mother whilst his father was standing there washing the dishes?

Exactly. I think that the PP have seen a few too many Harlan Coben series.

DoggoQuestions · 14/02/2025 22:58

As opposed to the all-knowing commenters knowing that DH said that because he's guilty?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 14/02/2025 22:58

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2025 22:53

A child told his parents he might has been molested. His father intervened to distract him, minimize what he was saying and stop him talking.

of course that is a huge concern and very odd reaction from a loving and protective parent.

husband may be scared of hearing it, may feel guilty that he didn’t stop it or may know who did it. Who knows.

but very very odd

Show quote history

It's really not odd. OP and her son were joking around and her husband was washing up and didn't notice the shift in tone.

Whatever OP's son might have been going to disclose, it is mind-numbingly obvious to anyone who isn't really, really stretching to implicate the DH that it was not going to be a disclosure about abuse by the DH. And it's really, really nasty to push that interpretation at a parent who is already very worried that they missed a disclosure of abuse by someone from her son.