Was DS, 15, disclosing?

It’s a word. With two meanings. A word isn’t the problem. It’s the actions that are.

You would verbally attack someone for using the word molest? Would you run screaming into a court if someone applied for a non molestation order?

OP isn’t part of the problem of child abuse because she used a word using a different definition than you recognise.

I also think people are being too harsh to DH in his reaction.

He said “stop joking WITH Mummy about that” because to be fair…Mummy did start all this by jokingly saying her son was molesting her and he’s distracted cooking and probably only half hearing this bizarre interaction.

When something is different to your experience, that doesn’t make it odd. Mummy is very common in teenage years especially amongst the privately educated. I wonder if OP’s children are / DH was.

OP used the term in its original use. There isn’t anything weird about it, just different. Again, perhaps speaking to class differences. I use the word in its original sense often.

Can people learn to read properly before commenting?

@Nursingadvice said OP’s INTERACTION with her son was strange and her DH’s REACTION was strange.

OP’s interaction with her son was jokingly saying “stop molesting me” to him which IS a strange INTERACTION. Her REACTION to her sons disclosure was not strange and @Nursingadvice never claimed it was.

As for the Mummy thing…A 15 year old referring to their Mum as Mummy is uncommon, but that isn’t what happened here. DH said “don’t joke with Mummy about that”. That is odd phrasing. Do people still refer to the other parent as “Mummy” and not “your Mummy/Mum” once their kids are teenagers? I know people don’t think this is relevant but it speaks to the juvenility of the situation. A mother jokingly saying her son is molesting her…a father saying don’t joke with Mummy to a 15 year old. It makes it difficult to determine if this situation is serious or this is just a very silly family who speaks to each other in an odd way.

If Mummy thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by her son, maybe son thinks it’s ok to joke about being molested by someone else. It’s hard to tell.

Maybe your DH knows hence trying to shut it down.

No it really isn't an alarm bell regarding the DH. Like others have pointed out, the DH is in the room when the DS made the comment, he's not going to mention it for the first time TO the abuser is he?

No it’s a really dangerous response. You can’t afford to fuck this up as a parent.

I don’t imagine if means he’s done anything but his response was terrible and not a response that helps a child
to disclose. A real opportunity lost because of stupid behaviour. It’s not benign.

he might open up to his ddad rather than his dmum

I was thinking this. Might be worth asking dh about it. He might have sensed something was off at the time but didn't say or do anything.
I'm shocked that op said "So I left it that he must tell.someone if it's true". If its true!
Please be careful of the words you use OP. Let him know you're there to speak to if he wishes and be aware of his feelings. He's most likely confused by his experience and probably needs time to reflect and process.

I think you should gently sit your son down and tell him that whenever he’s ready to talk about it, you’re there. We all know the reasons for not wanting to disclose and your son is possibly back pedalling because it’s so overwhelming. I hope you’re ok. You must be so worried but you can’t force it out of him. He talk when he’s ready

This is really your contribution? To a woman worried her son might have been sexually abused?

no point worrying who it was

you need to make yourself available to your ds, for him to confide in

Totally bizarre that this is the comment you have on post regarding a potential case of child abuse.

I'm not saying the poster is from ireland....but even adults in some parts of ireland often call their parents mummy n daddy. .my mum, who is in her 80s, still calls her parents mummy n daddy

This

to accuse the husband, grandfather, coach without any evidence is incredibly unhelpful and patently unfair

it's not a "red flag" at all. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, and therefore it's a fairly normal and natural response.

Thread like this drive me to despair. We get one sentence with no context, and people extrapolate and immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions.

Your husbands reaction was odd. I'm not implying it was him (as DS wouldnt have brought it up with him there?) but was it someone close to DH, a family member (now deceased or not close by) or a friend?

Even the police told me this, like somehow it’s my fault 🤦‍♀️

Your husband's reaction was so awful, it makes me think he wanted the whole subject shut down. If my son had said something like that, my husband would have listened very attentively and carefully to his precious child. Also why 'Mummy'? How infantilising!

I wondered about that too.

Ot perhaps there's some some coach or teacher who groomed DH (gained his trust as a cool/ decent guy) with a view to getting access to DS. It is possible DH has an inkling who it was or how it happened.

OP, if you get DS alone in the car, assure him you won't press him to make any decisions. Tell him you are concerned, but assure him he owes you nothing - no willingness to talk, no information. Tell him you are fully behind him and can handle anything that he says and will always have his back.
You could ask him for a name - he may not be at all willing to divulge details of what happened, where, how, or when. But assure him you are not going to press him to talk to you and will respect his privacy.

It would be helpful to have resources already researched and printed out so that he can take matters into his own hands if he wishes.

Make sure he understands that the decision to talk and who to talk to is his.

I did too.

Your dh response is pretty standard. It is usually to minimise the shock and pain - the idea of it - as a coping mechanism. Absolutely unhelpful when a child is trying to speak about something so serious, but no one plans for these conversations.

Op please don’t use a trip to a grandfather for this kind of conversation. It would be better to go out somewhere where he isn’t surrounded by others, or having to make conversation.

It could be another child/teen?

A 30 minute drive out for a dog walk or to look for trainers or something that can easily be cancelled.

In your place I would organise counselling additionally. He might find it easier speaking to someone that isn’t you.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I think it’s fairly unlikely he said this in jest. Try to stay calm, get support for yourself and family, and don’t push him to report it (or even suggest it) As that can feel a step too far for many survivors. Many feel more able to report once they have processed what has happened. The priority is to support him for now. Don’t forget even if turns out to be untrue, unlikely as it is, this is also a call for help. He needs more attention, care and support.

i am angry at you for using the word “molesting” so flippantly. I don’t care that you are in law. You know better so DO better.

you are part of the problem an if you said that in front of me, I would verbally take your feet from under you

I'm actually not sure about the car suggestion. It literally gives him no means of escape and I don't think that's fair.

He most likely was molested, sorry op! Very delicate situation. You don’t want him to fully close down. I would get a psychologist appt for some talk therapy.
The fact he blurted out is already a positive thing.

I was molested when I was young and still can’t bring myself to tell my parents (i’m in my 40s). the thing is, I have managed throughout my 20s and 30s fairly well by blocking the memory but had chronic depression. I didn’t understand why. In my late 30s, after having children, the memory box unlocked and I was then diagnosed with complex PTSD and chronic depression.
You need to help him now, whilst he is young or this will stay with him, like a dark cloud following him around his whole life.