Was DS, 15, disclosing?

@Loglivelove have you spoken to your husband and explained how important it is that he listens to your son?

While it is likely your son will pick up on your husbands refusal to engage in this subject, he might say something to him again. Your husband’s reaction was poor. Maybe get him to do some reading

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/recognising-and-responding-to-abuse#article-top

My heart just breaks for your DS. There is a high chance this happened to him.

I was repeatedly SA as an 8 year old, it was the male 16 year old babysitter. I never told my parents, even now at 47, as I didn't want to upset them. A PP mentioned that children often protect their parents, this was definitely the case for me. Your DS may never mention it to you again. Only a few people know it happened to me.

Texting it may help. It's worth a try. Be clear that it is ok if he doesn't want to say anything to you or, indeed, to anyone.

If he does decide to make a fuller disclosure to you, it is important that you listen carefully and don't ask questions. You can reflect what he's saying back at him to make sure you've understood and, if he says something that isn't clear, you can ask him to explain, but you should avoid anything beyond that. Don't push for more details and definitely don't ask questions like "did X happen".

It may be that he will never mention this to anyone again. Just make sure you are there for him if he brings it up again (and preferably that your DH is somewhere else!).

OP explained her use of the word and the subsequent discussion of the word's meaning perfectly adequately in the first post.

I'm still trying to get my DD to confirm what happened to her at 12 a decade on. She stopped going to school, self harmed and became mute.
Once she told me someone sexually assaulted her then withdrew it.
A friend told me the same years later as another girl had been forced to have sex at 14 with the same boy. My daughter asked me if I was calling the police which I was. She refused to cooperate. I will always be waiting for her to tell me. Her brother wouldn't listen to her and poo pooed it. He didn't want the stink at their shared school. Obviously I moved her. She'd gone to him apparently. That has meant their relationship has ever really recovered.
Keep the lines of communication open. Most SA is very close to home. I know that myself.

Re use of the term "mummy".
It's really common with kids in the rowing, rugby and equestrian scenes. ie "Posh".
Just cultural, not cringey.
Makes it easier for them spot others like you and stick together I guess.

"Some things should never be joked about though OP, and molesting is one of them."

Oh dear. We joke about dying and murder all the time and I'd say that in most cases murder is worse.

You must have had some time alone with DH since this event occurred by now.
Have you asked your DH why he shut the conversation down so quickly?
What was his response?
Something could have happened to him in the past to make this situation too difficult for him to deal with. Instead of instantly blaming him, he could also be a victim.
Then again, you know him best.

How was your DS last night and this morning?
Was he his usual self?

I'm a very direct person so I wouldn't be texting, I'd be finding quiet spaces to talk to both of them individually, but starting with your DH.

Responding to a potential disclosure of abuse with the threat that he must disclose this to the police to protect other people is likely to make the victim retreat.

Tell him you are here for him, love him, nothing will change that, he has no obligations to anyone apart from himself and is not responsible for the behaviour of anyone else.

Do not caveat tht statement with anything. Repear... I am here to listen, you have done nothing wrong, I love you.

I struggle to believe any mother would use the word molest to her teenage son. Working in law, geeky... Just sound like an excuse.

Another post I can't help but think it's a fabrication.

I haven't read the full thread.

I've been involved in safeguarding for decades. This sounds very much like a disclosure to me. You did the right thing. I'm afraid your husband didn't, but I wouldn't blame him - most people would get it wrong if they haven't been trained.

If you push your son, he is likely to clam up. You can't force him into making a full disclosure. I would suggest you make it clear that you are available if he wants to talk and that you will take anything he says seriously, but you won't force him to tell anyone else. Don't promise to keep what he says confidential - depending on what is disclosed, you may need to tell someone. You can also tell him that he can talk to others - the police, social services, etc. - rather than you if he wants and they will also take anything he says seriously.

I'm afraid you need to accept that he may never tell anyone. He may prefer to keep it buried. That may be how he copes.

FFS the DS wouldn't be musing that he didn't know the molester any more if it was his dad or grandad! It's very common to shut down conversations if you are not emotionally equipped to deal with them which sounds like what happened here. I'm not saying it's right, I'd still be furious with DH but it doesn't make him an abuser.

My brother also went to a private boys only school. One of the top ones in the UK. What he described of his time there was shocking and the amount of boys that left school without being molested is probably very low. It's likely something has happened there.

I think your reaction OP of they must be reported, caught and punished would make anyone shut down. Your focus really should have been on your DS not on bringing the perpetrator to justice. It's likely that would have scared him off opening up more. I hope you are able to have a more open conversation with him and reassure him that all you care about is him and that he's OK. He may feel better talking to a counsellor about this.

If my child was starting to disclose something, I wouldn't immediately be telling them they need to report it, to stop it happening to other people. You didn't even know what had happened when you jumped in with that. It puts immense pressure on your son when he was only just starting to open up. It's a frightening prospect for him - police, courts, attention, the moral obligation that it's him that needs to stop this happening to others, when he's actually the victim.
First of all, I'd let him talk. Then later, much later, maybe months down the line, you can explore whether he night want to take it further by reporting it.

It’s because MN loves an abuse post and it’s bonus points if it’s the husband.

DH reaction and comment was not odd and would have been at the forefront of my mind too. You absolutely cannot joke about accusing people of something of like molestation as it can ruin lives. This is why OP was fucking weird using molestation in a ”jokey” way to begin with. Especially as someone in the legal profession who would be used to choosing their words very carefully. As for the people jumping straight to ooo red flag/DH is hiding something/DH now can’t be trusted … shame on you all. You’ve been on MN too long. Take your man-hate elsewhere.

Must be amazing to be the perfect person.

To be fair it is really unusual to be referred to as Mummy to a 15 year old. Back to the point of the thread. Just because the son said he doesn't see the molester any more, doesn't mean he doesn't see them. He could be backtracking or covering for someone.

Its very difficult because kids can't disclose stuff without losing the control over what happens - you or any adult he talks to might need to decide what to do with that information. Tell him inappropriate touching and sexual abuse are sadly very common, completely not ok, and he can decide how he feels about it and whether he wants to say anything more, now or in the future.

This

@Loglivelove does anyone else think the dad was trying to protect someone? is grandfather alive?

Is/was he at the same school your husband went to? I've just been listening to the BBC podcast about sec abuse in private schools. And the dynamics of this type of interaction, and the need to brush it under the carpet.

I think your son is making a clear disclosure. And your husband can't cope with it.

Again, people need to learn to read…

Where did I say it was “weird” or “odd”. I said it was LESS COMMON for a 15 year old to use that verbiage. Which it just factually is. It may be more common in certain demographics but in the population as a whole it is less common than saying “Mum”.

You need to have a conversation with your son on your own in a quiet, safe environment and to make sure your husband is not there.

Start by telling him that you want to talk about what he said in the kitchen and that he can tell you anything, including anything that would involve a relative/friend and so on, and that you are to support him and believe him.

His father's reaction was odd to say the least.

Also you said you have a daughter too? maybe have a general conversation with her about how it is important for her to feel free to speak to you if anyone ever makes her feel uncomfortable and does not respect her boundaries.