Do I tell the OMs wife

You have to tell her. Just be really open to a few things:

• she may already know
• she may get mad at you and call you a liar
• she will undoubtedly want proof (and this is where the weasel message saying "thanks for not telling" comes in)

If you can, arrange to tell her face to face when the kids aren't there.

This is vile. He contacted you to thank you. What repulsive little weasel he is.

I'd tell her regardless.

Tell her, just when you're ready. Maybe along the lines of 'I'm afraid I've not the capacity to do much more than this as I'm dealing with the fallout myself, but I think you should know...'

As I always say on these (though it's usually just about the bloke being a prick) the only ppl benefiting from your silence are the ones who've caused this. Nobody else does. Your wife & this guy don't deserve you carrying guilt for them - how fucking dare they?

So distasteful of the OM to thank you for not disclosing.

Anyway, the wife is being treated like a moron and she should know.

The OW's LT partner rang my (now ex) Husband and forced him to fetch me and hand the phone to me, to spill the beans.
He wanted to ruin my relationship/life, the way my exH, and his own partner, had ruined his.
It worked.
He also stalked me at my home address (with my two young children there), at my place of work, online.
There was no stopping him.
Was the most horrible time of my life and I was the innocent party.
We got brought it pretty well for a long time but split seven years later after the damage/ the scars never go completely eventually unfortunately became too much to bear.

One time I would have said absolutely tell her, now I’m older and wiser I will say keep out of it, prioritise yourself and your healing. However I wouldn’t be hiding it and if she happens to hear it through the grapevine then so be it. She isn’t your responsibility.

I second this. What an absolute creep and how dare he contact you after turning yours and your kids lives upside down. I know someone in a very similar situation. Left her husband for her manager at work. They go away on lots of work trips all the time but share the same hotel bed. Its been going on about 3 years now. The wife has no idea. He has a couple of kids too.

Dos anyone else kinda wish that the OP tells the other wife and then writes a message to the arse and says something like ‘I wasn’t going to get involved or tell your wife but since you had the arrogance and audacity to thank me for not telling her I thought I would thank you by telling her myself’. Just me?

I would tell her. They don’t get to decide the rules and hide their horrid mess.

Tell her.

Not sure. If there are kids involved... I probably wouldn't.
Although I'd find it hard to live with either decision.

Yes I would tell him as I would want to know. Also the best way to end an affair is to shine a light on it.

As a wife I'd absolutely want to know this.

@Noideawhat2do
Almost an exact replica of the situation I was in (except I was dating the office horny bastard!) and the OW was taking scraps from whatever he would give her because he was spending his "prime time" with me.

Whatever you choose to do, you've taken the fun out of their dynamic.

I would tell the wife, because why should he get off Scot free, whilst manipulating your wife and his? How dare he think that his actions have no consequences.

Maybe I'm bitter, but I was in the situation his wife was in, and I'd want to have the dignity of being able to make a choice about staying in a marriage that was filled with deceit.

For what it's worth, I found out my ex husband was cheating when we had 7 month old twins, and I kicked him out and never looked back.

I'm not sure there is a definite answer to your AIBU but I did want to mention something...

Their affair won't last. Affairs rarely have a happy ending and it is very likely she'll be back with her tail between her legs within a year. Be prepared for this and always remember that you deserve much better. Don't ever forget that.

I wouldn’t tell her. As you say, you need to deal with yourself and your kids.

Misery loves company, but it won’t make your situation better.

It’s unclear how you want us to vote. YABU = you don’t tell her. And YANBU = you do tell her?

As if they'll work out in the real world. These people thrive on the excitement of betraying their other halves and running around like a pair of horny teenagers... once that's gone the spark, goes quickly after.

He's clearly more invested in saving his marriage, hence the phone call. He'll cut OPs wife off in a second. Let's be honest, if they both really wanted to be together, 50% of the damage is already done, so they would be.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Don't even think about it until you're in a better position to think it through.
Maybe in a few weeks time your thoughts will crystallise one way or the other (you might find out the affair is definitely back on/hasn't stopped for eg).
If it was me I'd want to know but I'm not in your shoes.
Really sorry you're having to make this choice.

And give your wife what she wants? The OM single? Nope

I was recently in a similar situation (I wasn't married to my now ex-thankfully!)

I made the decision to tell the OWs fiance. They didn't deserve my loyalty and I know when my ex husband (not this ex - clearly I have terrible taste in men!) cheated on me I would have wanted to know.

It's ultimately upto you- but I knew my conscience wouldn't sit right until I did.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but please don't drop a bombshell. This is exactly what happened to my friend's mum when I was a kid, only the wronged husband inadvertently chose to tell the poor woman that her husband was a cheating louse less than a week after she'd buried her father. Not only was it far too much for her to deal with in one go, but the fallout for their kids of watching their Mum go through it all was totally horrendous.

What an absolute cunt he is, imagine putting you in that position.

Yes, she and their children will bear the brunt of it - but you owe him nothing. They planted a bomb in your household, so they don’t get to ask that of you. It’s fine to talk about kindness and ethical - but anger and revenge exist too. You can choose to be the better person, but you don’t have to. I would definitely use it as a leverage in the divorce. If they want it kept a secret you can find out exactly how much they want it kept.

Maybe You could just message him back that you will be telling his wife, but it will be at a time of your choosing, and you won’t be giving him notice.

Do whatever feels best for you. You and your dc are the priority and if you quite understandably can’t face it, don’t.
But me? Yes I would tell her, primarily because if it was me, I’d want to know. And secondly, because being a lying, cheating shithead does and should have consequences. And you are not responsible for OMs wife pain…..HE is, along with your wife.
I am sorry this happened to you, it’s a massive shit sandwich, but you will recover, in time.

i don’t t think they have separated. It’s the op and his wife who have split up.