Do I tell the OMs wife

I was told, by the husband of the woman that my ex was having a relationship with. It was a bit strange as the OW’s husband called - I knew him reasonably well as all part of a hobby group, so a call wasn’t hugely unusual - asking ‘is he there?’. When I asked who he replied ‘your husband who has been sleeping with my wife’. I was stunned, to say the least. However, I was glad that I knew as ducks could be lined up.
OW husband was devastated, once over the shock, I was more pragmatic.

In retrospect, I was happy to know and to not find out through rumours or being turfed out of my home, which was the plan apparently. In light of that, I think that the poster would be doing the wife lady a favour. I would rather know than not know. OP, do you know the wife at all and how would you go about telling her, if you were to do so?

This! Thanking you for not saying! As a woman I would want to be told. And he does not deserve any protection! Please tell her

This!

I would also want to know, but you just put yourself and your children first.

I hope you do well and recover soon.

That's silly. Getting mad just because the husband told you to get revenge even though it was best for you to know anyway. Who cares why he told you? You don't need to "take on" anything from him. I mean if the guy was harassing you thats another story, but barring that you yourself are the only reason if you took his anger personally and "on your shoulders".

It sounds like misplaced anger from you to me - that should've all been directed towards your cheating husband.

Tell her OP. Even if it's just for revenge, it's better to do so.

Honestly think most people who say don't tell her are probably people who would have something to hide themselves. I don't understand why anyone WOULDN'T tell her.

I personally would want to know. But it will stir up a whole lot of trouble won't it. I think you meed to see your wife as the children's mum for now. How would your children act if say this woman (who you don't know) became violent towards her. Most women actually blame the other woman, especially if they know they are married.

Hmmm in that case I wouldn't tell because the fall out could be huge for your kids.

That's obviously not fair on the wife but your kids need to be the priority here. They need stability as much as possible.

Just bide your time, the relationship will fizzle out once single life sets in for your ex and she becomes clingy with him. The thrill won't be there anymore.

Meantime, just focus on keeping a stable environment for the kids because that's what they need.

The children trump everything else in my view.

Ask yourself why you want to tell her. I was told by the OW's husband. He told me not out of concern for my well being but to take revenge on my husband. I dispise him for that. I knew my husband was a cheating shit but I was working through it in my own way. I did not need to take on the chest beating retribution of a wronged man as an extra layer.

Yes her knowing is probably the best for her in the long run but you are absolutely the worst person to tell her.

'I'm struggling with the informed consent bit because that's what's happened to me and I can't get my head round how she thought this was ok regardless of me being the man and assuming I'd be up for it always - I've would never have had sex if I'd known she was seeing him - 2 STI tests and HIV bloods later (all clear thankfully) it has really rattled me to the core and is part of the reason I would want to tell her.'

I know the feeling of being shaken to the core when you realise this. I was actually physically sick, it was a horrendous time. I promise healing does come but it takes time!

Do you have children with your ex @Noideawhat2do ?

On the one hand, I think the wife should know as he is effectively abusing her.

On the other, if you have kids I wouldn't want to suddenly make him single and potentially their step dad for however brief a period.

Sounds like your ex is about to go through a shit storm of realising who this guy is. The fall out won't be pretty.

You need to focus on getting yourself onto stable ground as well. Don't be the plan B for her when it all goes wrong. You deserve much more than being a back up plan.

Absolutely tell her.

Her personal agency and right to informed sexual consent is being taken from her.

It is the right thing to do.

And I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

Exactly the same as happened to myself.
I'd tell her. Lieing takes away your informed choices.
I wish the people that knew had told me.

At the very least you need to tell the wife.

Personally, if I was the wife being cheated on, I'd want to know.
She probably wouldn't thank you for it in the moment as you'll be throwing a handgrenade into her life, and like you, it's going to be devastating.
Otoh, in your position, I'd tell her as there's no way I'd be keeping their dirty secret.
I'd also tell their work.
I'd be eaten up with thoughts of revenge but that's the way I roll (rightly or wrongly).
Ask yourself this: Why do you want to tell her?
Revenge?
Or because she has a right to know to protect herself?
Then act accordingly.
If it's for revenge, it won't leave you feeling very good about yourself, I'm speaking from experience.
I am very sorry this has happened to you, hopefully you'll get some support on MN and IRL, at least tell your family and friends so they can support you ❤️

Urgh, it's so grim that he thanked you. Also wtf? Your marriage is now over, your ex-wife is still with OM but he's not leaving his wife for her? Your wife is in a truly shit position there- her own fault obviously but surely it's usual when it all comes out for the APs either both to leave their spouses or else end the affair? Can't believe she's happy to continue as OW.

My advice generally in these things is just to leave everything alone and focus on your own well-being. Don't get tangled up in their mess.

I would have told her as soon as I found out,! I would have done it out of anger.

no way should he get away with what he’s done to her. I’d want to know if it was me.

Tell her. If he can cheat once, he can cheat again.

You could even argue it as far as 'informed consent'. Would she even be having sex with him if she knew?

To be honest, you don't even know how faithful your wife is to him, or him to her. For all you know, they could be doing it with multiple people and putting everyone at risk.

This is divisive. My general inclination is to tell the other betrayed spouse. If the affair still has not ended then I think you should definitely tell her.

The man was shagging someone else’s wife. I am so not surprised he is so lacking in self awareness that he would do this. These fuckers are always, always blindingly selfish.
I would add to op, if he is the office shagger as you describe, his wife will find out eventually, this shit is never kept secret forever. I used to work with a man like this, he put it about all over the place with anyone willing and his wife had no idea. She eventually found out (no idea how but I suspect one of his paramours bought into his bullshit and when she discovered that she was just like all the rest, she spilled the beans) His wife found out everything all in one go and let’s just say the fallout was….epic.

Definitely tell her. When my (ex) husband was cheating I suspected something was happening but he gas-lit me to the extent I questioned myself and thought I was going crazy. It was a rubbish marriage anyway and frankly I was grateful to the OW for telling me as it gave me a cast-iron excuse to divorce him.

The wife probably already suspects something, and will probably be grateful to be told.

I'd tell her, with good evidence, because I know I'd want to know in the wife's place.

I was cheated on by my now exdh, I wish someone had told me, rather than me driving myself mad thinking I was imaging things. I then turned into MI5 trying to find proof etc as he completely denied there was anything amiss. I spent months in this state. If I'd been told I'd have avoided months of pain and confusion and I'd have the facts I needed to make an informed decision.

I wouldn't, it's not likely you will be believed anyway.