Do I tell the OMs wife

But @Alondra I won't get into a debate with you about this as I think we both need to allow OP thread not to be derailed. I realise you have a differing viewpoint.

So gross he messaged you with a thank-you 🤢 Sorry this is happening OP.

If at all possible, I would contact the wife, although I get it's really hard. Even if it's "I'm really not in a place emotionally to go into all the details, but you should know that your husband has been having an affair with my wife Susan Smith. I really don't want to speak to you and hope you understand, but you should ask your husband about it".

Sorry I completely and utterly disagree. Everyday I experience an empathic reaction to a strangers position or reactions to something. That's what this whole platform is built on, strangers empathising with other strangers and offering support. Empathy is after all just understanding the experiences and feelings of another. If you yourself have been betrayed you know the patterns of thought for another and share similar experiences. I'm amazed at this response.

Elasticatedtrousers

I don't believe you can have empathy for a person you don't know beyond issues like human rights. Claiming higher empathic feelings for the OW/OM betrayed spouse is a good diversion. No one has feelings for people they don't know, but revenge is a good motivation for intruding in their marriage.

Their marriage is their business. The OP's marriage is his own to focus on.

If I was his wife, I'd want to know!

Why should you keep his dirty, betraying secret?
Thanking you for not telling his wife is just scummy.
He should be telling her, but he's obviously got no intention of doing so.
Your world has been blown apart, and he's sitting pretty in his marriage.

Tell his wife!

I don't think you need to rush into making a decision about this. He really is a cheeky fucker for thanking you for not saying anything. I'd respond by saying although I've not said anything year, it doesn't mean I never will.

If you do tell his wife, it may well make him available for your ex. I'm not sure I'd be keen to facilitate that for a cheating ex. Let her keep on being just the OW.

'I don't believe in revenge. And frankly, telling the H/W of the affair is just that. Revenge.'

No it's not. In many cases it's empathy because you know EXACTLY how it feels to have your personal agency and right to informed sexual consent removed and you want to stop the other betrayed spouse being abused the way you have been.

And even 'if' you tell out of 'revenge' it still allows the other betrayed partner a chance to make decisions about THEIR life with all the cards laid out on front of them.

I don't think you need to be hugely involved, but if you were the one to not be aware, would you want to know? I'm sure I would, however hard to hear.

I was told by the OW husband, he came to my house and told me face to face
Whilst this was very distressing at the time and I'm not recommending you do it this way, I'm very glad that he did tell me as he is now my ex DH and I am much happier without him.

I would absolutely tell her. I was in her situation and the husband of the OW (who was a close friend!) told me. It was horrendous but at least I wasn't having my reality denied which absolutely fucks with your head. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I would recommend a read of the Chump Lady website and her book as well.

Yes, I would tell the OMs wife. She deserves to know.

I don't believe in revenge. And frankly, telling the H/W of the affair is just that. Revenge.

This is the reason why divorce is in place. If your spouse cheats on you, and it's a deal breaker, you divorce. Be adult enough to deal with your feelings of betrayal and focus on coo parenting your children without too much bitterness for their sake.

Wishing you the best.

You sound like a lovely dad and you're putting up with a lot right now. I suspect biting your lip at the provocation you're enduring is taking its toll. I really feel for you.

But your kids losing their home and mum and dad splitting up is so much for them to deal with right now in their young lives. They don't need adult issues to make it worse.

Try to focus on the future and how you will talk about all this with them when they're older. What would you like them to look back and say about this time?

You've got your ex over a barrel at the moment. Get the 50/50 setup done and split assets as cleanly as possible as quickly as possible so you can create a new stable environment for your kids. Bitterness is expensive and protracted. Just remember that.

Whatever happens with your ex and the lounge lizard is on them. Romeo and Juliet didn't end well either so just remember that!

She deserves to know and they decide what she wants to do with the knowledge and her life.

I would tell her

I don't think it would necessarily be coming from a place of revenge. You gave him a chance to come clean, that message means he obviously has no intention of doing so. Her not finding out should not be an option, this is an awful secret to keep hidden from someone she is entitled to know. I think if you are going to do it put it all out there in one go. This isn't really a conversation situation just instant messenger her on whatever medium and tell her everything in one long message then send screen shots. Then the ball is in her court she either believes you or not if she wants to talk and you feel up to it you can but if not you can properly absolve yourself of any responsibility towards her.

Why do you despise him?

If your spouse upended his life, then surely your spouse is responsible for setting off the chain of events?

Thinking about it- who could he have asked to tell you?

I don’t know what the right thing to do is, but the minute he thanked me for keeping his secret I’d have seen red and blown up his life. Cheeky shite.

I would definitely want to know.

I get all those saying morally the wife should know, but what about the fall out on the children?

Are you going for 50/50 custody @Noideawhat2do ?

Because once you go on the revenge route (let's all be honest that is what it would be) then your kids will have to endure the bitter fall out, for many years to come. Its them that will suffer all the bitterness. Its a very common pattern.

MN will urge you to tell, and they're not entirely wrong but in this instance you've got even more to lose if this gets nasty.

Just tell her. You ARE the best person to tell her. Whether it's because of revenge or for her wellbeing regarding her sexual health etc. it doesn't matter. At least it's coming direct from you and not an anonymous source or via a rumour where she might doubt it's validity. Sorry you're going through this.You did make me laugh where you said Romeo and Juliet they ain't.....!

I agree with the poster upthread who said that the wife's agency and right to consent has been taken away from her.

I would think telling her is morally the right thing to do.
She is living a lie and risking her health, unknowingly. Especially if he's done this before with others. My friend and I sometimes talk about this poor wife who we know about. We often say we should put her out of her misery but of course we never would. We don't even know the wife personally.

The fact that this has happened to you and the wife means you both have this awful thing in common but at least you can both relate to how it feels. But you now know what they've been up to and she's still clueless. Its up to her what she does with that information once she has it but I think most would prefer to know, however devastating that news will be.

The fact that lover boy is still with the wife, shows he's not intending to end his marriage, he just wants his bit of excitement of leading a double life.