Page 3 | Do I tell the OMs wife

Noideawhat2do · 2025-02-14T22:00:35+00:00

Right will try and make this short as possible. I recently found out my wife was having an affair when a guy from work (I'm the husband). Marriage wasn't great in terms of affection, intimacy and general emotional availablity (as in over the past few years she became distant etc). Anyway after me asking for second time (denied the first time) I got the whole story which backed up what id already found out. Basically both him and her are terrified I'll let on to their work and have said the affair is over (I'm pretty sure it's not and obvs are still in contact) and that I go to his wife. This is my problem over the past few weeks I've literally being moving in a haze but now we've separated I'm fairly sure they have or about to start up again - he contacted me telling how grateful he is I never told his wife - this is the thing I didn't contact her as I told him he should do it if he has any conscience and a lot of people advised me not to get involved in his family BUT why shouldn't she know, we've both been treated like crap but the difference is I know it but she doesn't. AIBU to not tell her as I'm dealing with the fallout for me and my kids and need to concentrate on that??

Enko · 15/02/2025 11:49

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

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I think I would just respond to him with "What makes you think I haven't?" Then leave him to stew in his own mess.

I dont think its your responsibility to tell his wife op. However I also get the "I would want to know" people. In the end you have to do what feels right to you. Not worry about what others feels is right

FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:40

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

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So tell her then. At the moment, he is still thinking that. Still has his little bubble of getting away with it.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:21

Headpainempathy · 15/02/2025 09:04

Just tell her. You ARE the best person to tell her. Whether it's because of revenge or for her wellbeing regarding her sexual health etc. it doesn't matter. At least it's coming direct from you and not an anonymous source or via a rumour where she might doubt it's validity. Sorry you're going through this.You did make me laugh where you said Romeo and Juliet they ain't.....!

One of the funniest things someone has said to me in all of this is "it's all exciting when your messaging each other, getting all hot and bothered at work when you know it's wrong and shagging in hotels but when all that is all taken away and replaced with the snoring and farting reality in the cold light of day it is quite different" dunno about him but true for her anyway

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desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 11:13

@Noideawhat2do

oh, God, no, DB didn’t get back with her! Think that formed a large part of the resulting fury, dumped twice🫣

You and your wife will still have to negotiate a settlement and co-parent and all that stuff. People who have affairs and leave their families aren’t always in the best headspace for fairness and rationality. Nice that F&F have offered to assist you.

You know the OM, you know your wife, it’s 100 % up to you. My DB also wanted to be heard because of that feeling you have of having been manipulated and lied to. Watch your back, take care of yourself.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:08

FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:04

Most of the time, I advocate for staying out of it, keep to your side of the street, and deal with your own fall out.
The thanking you for not telling her though, swings me to think she should be told. He has tried to have you in his corner, loyal to some kind of unspoken man code where you don't tell on each other. She deserves better than that.

I am sorry you are in this place. Being cheated on is the worst pain ever.

I'm very clear on this if he thinks there some kind of man code he can get to fuck we might both be men but we are not the same - he's a scumbag (so is she TBF) and given that other people know I might not even need to do much

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FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 11:04

Most of the time, I advocate for staying out of it, keep to your side of the street, and deal with your own fall out.
The thanking you for not telling her though, swings me to think she should be told. He has tried to have you in his corner, loyal to some kind of unspoken man code where you don't tell on each other. She deserves better than that.

I am sorry you are in this place. Being cheated on is the worst pain ever.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 11:00

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:53

@Noideawhat2do

Have you got a solicitor involved yet?

If I were you, this is the step I would take next. You can get your ducks in a row and start getting the split formalised. Legal advice and knowledge is empowering.

Forget telling or not telling the wife, get legal advice and find out where you stand.

This may give you a sense of control back in a situation where you feel lost.

Much more productive and a step towards a more positive future.

Edited

We will be legally separated soon

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LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:53

@Noideawhat2do

Have you got a solicitor involved yet?

If I were you, this is the step I would take next. You can get your ducks in a row and start getting the split formalised. Legal advice and knowledge is empowering.

Forget telling or not telling the wife, get legal advice and find out where you stand.

This may give you a sense of control back in a situation where you feel lost.

Much more productive and a step towards a more positive future.

Maray1967 · 15/02/2025 10:41

User0103 · 14/02/2025 22:25

What an absolute cunt he is, imagine putting you in that position.

Yes, she and their children will bear the brunt of it - but you owe him nothing. They planted a bomb in your household, so they don’t get to ask that of you. It’s fine to talk about kindness and ethical - but anger and revenge exist too. You can choose to be the better person, but you don’t have to. I would definitely use it as a leverage in the divorce. If they want it kept a secret you can find out exactly how much they want it kept.

Maybe You could just message him back that you will be telling his wife, but it will be at a time of your choosing, and you won’t be giving him notice.

This is more or less what I would do - but I disagree that not saying anything is being the better person. I think the wife has a right to know and I would definitely tell her. But oh yes I would definitely use it as divorce leverage so I would say that I have not yet decided whether I should tell the wife because I’m considering the ethics of the issue.

The only caveat I have is that I would try to find out if breaking this news would cause illness eg if she was pregnant or having treatment etc. I would bear that in mind.

Lollypop701 · 15/02/2025 10:41

how big is the area you live in? Your family know, some people at work… it’s not a secret it’s just his wife doesn’t know. Will she find out anyway?

I would want to know, I would want the proof so I could sort myself out … she may already know he’s a cheater but not have proof/ he’s gaslighting her and making her feel like she’s crazy… you and your kids come first in your life op so make the best decision you can live with and move on.

from me, if you told me I would think of it as a kindness as it wouldn’t be an easy choice…but that’s me

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:38

Aspasia2 · 15/02/2025 10:35

You could always try for more than 50/50; your children need their mother but they don't need 50% of their time in the mess she has created.

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And this is it - regardless of what has happened and that's she's not been around for them as much as she could have been for the last few years she is their mum and I've no intention of damaging that - they need us both

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Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:36

Alondra · 15/02/2025 10:16

And I understand having an empathic reaction to a stranger situation. The difference is that we empathise and be incredibly generous to causes and people that haven't hurt us directly.

The OP is asking about contacting the wife to blow her world and family with the information. There is nothing altruistic about it,.

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I disagree as the level of pain I've been through has been incredible and I don't want someone else to experience that (that's why I've said nothing) BUT I keep going back to thinking if I hadn't found out I could have gone to my grave not knowing and that makes it worse. For me knowledge is the best base to inform choice- if I shared what I knew then she can make a choice but it is one she has made with knowledge behind her. Remember I dont know the state of their marriage - she could be suspicious already or maybe she's been unfaithful - I've no idea

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Tootiredforthis23 · 15/02/2025 10:35

I would tell her OP. If I was her I would want to know. I don’t get the pps saying she has children so you should consider that before telling. She deserves to know she has a cheating husband. If she chooses to stay with him because of the children that’s up to her but at least then she can make that decision herself.

Aspasia2 · 15/02/2025 10:35

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 09:51

I feel I've lost so much control of my life I get this 100% and it might be that only thing I can hold that's keeps my kids away from this seedy (believe me it is seedy and sworded in nearly Sunday Sport proportions) situation and she can waste as much of her time waiting for him as I did being her husband (well for the last few years anyway - there was a time when things were actually good)

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You could always try for more than 50/50; your children need their mother but they don't need 50% of their time in the mess she has created.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:31

desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 10:14

The message from OM implies complicity and that you’ve said nothing as a favour to him. Boak. He is quite sickening. I agree re: informed consent and I think OM’s wife deserves to know. However, I think you have enough to deal with without running the risk of being the one to do it.

The reason I say this is there’s a risk if you do it there will be some backlash on you. My DB told the wife of the OM. It only took about two hours before OM dropped DB’s wife and chose his own.

DB’s wife didn’t take it well. She blamed DB for interfering and for ruining her ‘new relationship’ and turned on him. She said he was being controlling etc. I know that’s batshit logic but that’s what happened. He wishes he’d never opened his mouth because it unleashed a whole new level of rage.

I am not saying your wife will do this, but she might react badly and you have to think to the future. When you get forced into a situation like this it can play out a lot of different ways.

There’s also the risk of ‘shoot the messenger’ from them.

Really sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.

At least in my case there is no way in hell I'd ever get back with her. If I did say to his wife given I've known for a few weeks she'd want to know why I didn't say something sooner (my defence is I was literally surviving for my DC and trying to get through the day and tbh I still don't have the headspace). There are offers from my family and friends to "do it on my behalf" but I don't feel comfortable with that either - I feel it should be me as I've been gaslit and harmed by them so I am in a position of being able to be truthful in a way they never could

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Ihaveated · 15/02/2025 10:31

I've been the wife in this situation and I'm still incredibly grateful that I was told. It allowed me to feel confident in my decision to end a very bad marriage with absolutely no regrets! I am now very happily married to someone else and have never looked back.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:26

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.

So folk at the work know she has split from me but only a few folk know about the affair. I could almost guarantee that if he splits from her they would bide their time announce they've found each in the heartbreak of their "amicable" splits - pass me the sick bucket

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MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/02/2025 10:26

His wife is probably already tormenting herself about the state of her marriage as she doesn't know why things are 'off'. Or she may suspect but he is gaslighting her.

MissDoubleU · 15/02/2025 10:22

She deserves to know, it’s not you blowing up the marriage it’s her bastard husband who’s done that. You’d be giving her her autonomy back.

Happyholidays78 · 15/02/2025 10:16

I would want to know so I would tell the wife. My female friend discovered her husband's affair & never told the OW's husband & both couples are still together & it still astounds me.

Alondra · 15/02/2025 10:16

Elasticatedtrousers · 15/02/2025 10:04

Sorry I completely and utterly disagree. Everyday I experience an empathic reaction to a strangers position or reactions to something. That's what this whole platform is built on, strangers empathising with other strangers and offering support. Empathy is after all just understanding the experiences and feelings of another. If you yourself have been betrayed you know the patterns of thought for another and share similar experiences. I'm amazed at this response.

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And I understand having an empathic reaction to a stranger situation. The difference is that we empathise and be incredibly generous to causes and people that haven't hurt us directly.

The OP is asking about contacting the wife to blow her world and family with the information. There is nothing altruistic about it,.

desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 10:14

The message from OM implies complicity and that you’ve said nothing as a favour to him. Boak. He is quite sickening. I agree re: informed consent and I think OM’s wife deserves to know. However, I think you have enough to deal with without running the risk of being the one to do it.

The reason I say this is there’s a risk if you do it there will be some backlash on you. My DB told the wife of the OM. It only took about two hours before OM dropped DB’s wife and chose his own.

DB’s wife didn’t take it well. She blamed DB for interfering and for ruining her ‘new relationship’ and turned on him. She said he was being controlling etc. I know that’s batshit logic but that’s what happened. He wishes he’d never opened his mouth because it unleashed a whole new level of rage.

I am not saying your wife will do this, but she might react badly and you have to think to the future. When you get forced into a situation like this it can play out a lot of different ways.

There’s also the risk of ‘shoot the messenger’ from them.

Really sorry you’ve been treated so poorly.

Original poster

Noideawhat2do · 15/02/2025 10:11

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:09

There are small children involved whose lives could be made a lot worse by telling the wife. The fall out will directly impact them and their lives.

The kids are the ones who need to be at the forefront of any decision the OP makes, not the feelings of the wife.

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I should add he has kids too - one is under 1 year

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LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/02/2025 10:09

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.

There are small children involved whose lives could be made a lot worse by telling the wife. The fall out will directly impact them and their lives.

The kids are the ones who need to be at the forefront of any decision the OP makes, not the feelings of the wife.

AliceMcK · 15/02/2025 10:06

Every day the wife dose not know is another day of her being humiliated, especially given you know and I’d put money on everyone at their work knowing. It could also mean you are giving your ex and the husband more time to get their shit together to screw over his wife, especially if your ex has sights on being his new wife, if you don’t tell her.

I 100% think you need to tell her asap. You don’t have to be cruel, these are the facts, how you found out, when you found out, what you know and what you have done about your side. Tell her you’re telling her as a courtesy and so you can move on with your life now. She can then decide how she handles it.