Do I tell the OMs wife

Why does he get to set the narrative.. I was just as wronged as he was . Yet am I supposed to not be annoyed and just put that down to an unfortunate set of circumstances?

@Noideawhat2do someone told me about my husband's EA although it could have been physical. It was very painful but it allowed me to take steps to secure my finances.

But he was 100% justified with revenge on his wife and your husband, he was wronged and it sends people to extreme lengths. You unfortunately got caught up by your husbands disgusting behaviour.

Infidelity by your partner tends to turn people irrational! I’ve not experienced it but it bought my lovely sister to her knees, acting totally out of character etc.

This is an odd reaction, I think. The other husband sounds deranged, turning up at @Unescorted school pick up and shouting her business to all and sundry. Yes, her husband was the one who had an affair but that doesn't excuse this behaviour at all.

My husband was 100% to blame for the affair. I agree with you on that. I don't blame the wronged husband for that at and never have. I do blame him for his behaviour afterwards. And for that I dispise him. His wife's affair was not my doing yet he made my life horrific to exact revenge on his wife and my husband.

My original point to the OP was to caution against making it worse for the wife out of rage which is what happened to me.

This is an odd reaction, I think. The other husband sounds deranged, turning up at @Unescorted school pick up and shouting her business to all and sundry. Yes, her husband was the one who had an affair but that doesn't excuse this behaviour at all.

Again your “D”H was 100% to blame! He made your life hell, it was on him totally!

I was and still am at times angry with my husband and know what happened in all the sordid detail. That doesn't mean I can't find the OW's husbands behaviour despicable. He In trying to get revenge on his wife and my husband he made my life hell. I already knew what had happened before he started making it very difficult to go to the post office or pick my kids up from school without knowing if he would pop up and shout all the details out to people I would see every day. It didn't do anything for my healing. He chose his revenge over my mental health... Do yes I do dispise him.

Oh he’s not your ex, hence why you wouldn’t listen to the truth.

I get your anger, but your ex put you in that position. Not him.

Yes... We worked through it. It was important to me that my kids had a stable home life and financially we had to stay together to achieve that. It took a lot of work to get to that point and it may not be for everyone but it worked for us.

@Unescorted are you still with your husband?

I think I'd wait until the affair peters out, then tell his wife.

Or, actually, you don't need to tell her. You just need to tell him you've told her.

Depends... My husband told me, the husband of the OW could not accept that I knew and was able to put a public face on. She may already know and is choosing to put a facade up to prevent further emotional damage. I wish one of our mutual friends had spoken up when they realised something was going on.

You weren't there. I was... We all live in a small village and his way of telling me ( more than once,) was to follow me into shops and shout it out in front of my kids, their friends and parents. So yes I can dispise him.

His intent was to get revenge on my husband and his wife but he insisted on dragging me into his chest beating posturing. I did not need that as I was trying to keep my family in some sense of normallacy. He shattered that for his own vendetta. It caused damage to me and my children. I got apologies and contrition from the other 2 parties. He couldn't accept that I had a different way of dealing with the situation.

As someone who was the cheated on wife, please, please tell her. What she does with that info is up to her.

I'd also message the other bloke and just say, "she knows".

I’d tell her. Not out of anger or to hurt her but to give her the agency to make her own decision.

My ExH had an affair with a friend. We had a large circle of friends and one of the most hurtful things was finding out a lot of them knew and I didn’t. When it came out (I dropped out of a huge party the day after I found out about affair and I was very transparent as to why I wasn’t going) I was told they’d had suspicions but didn’t want to interfere, or they thought I knew and didn’t mind!

Tell her gently - she may already suspect and this will give her the facts she needs to decided what she needs to do next.

I'm not sure that I would tell his wife because of any possible impact on your children.
I would reply to his message saying that you haven't yet decided whether to tell her and that if you do you won't be discussing it with him in advance so he would be well advised to tell her himself.

I think his message would make me do it.

If I was the betrayed partner, I'd want to know. The best way for me would be perhaps a Facebook message letting her know in a compassionate manner.

I'm sorry you're going through this, cheats are amongst the lowest of the low.

I also think you should tell her. You know you'd want to be told if the situation was reversed.

I'm so sorry OP, what a shitty situation. I know you've had to stay strong for your kids, but if you feel you can tell the OMs wife without compromising your own recovery then do it. If I were in her situation, I would want to know and would be grateful to you for telling me.

I would want to know.