Mums strange lie

You saying ''no one on this thread has suggested that the mum should talk about what happened to her"...is very wrong.
Many have suggested she should. See the quotes below highlighted in black .. and that's just from the first few pages.
The OP had clarity at the time, that she saw what she saw, when it happened, and several times afterwards.

"ASK your mum. Tell her you're basically traumatised by what you saw and you don't understand the tattoos."

"I think I would, as someone else suggested, say this has disturbed and bothered me for years. Please can you briefly just explain what it was? Also what is the symbolism of your tattooes? Hopefully she can just answer"

"The op was a dc disturbed by what she witnessed she has every right to ask for clarity."

"you saw this and thus she should kindly explain, or at least give some explanation."

It was a frightening childhood experience that you want to talk about as you got no answers. That's OK

What the OP wants is confirmation that this particular event that SHE WAS PART OF took place.

It was confirmed at the time.

Eta
I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine.

No need to shout. Victims don't owe anyone confirmation that they went through trauma.

Confirming is still having to face those demons, which is still a choice only the victim had a right to make.

Doesn't matter who or how many people saw it, if a victim chooses to suppress those memories to cope, so be it.

Precisely, why anyone would think talking about trauma should be pushed is beyond me.

Unfortunately there are people (Not meaning OP) who love hearing all the gory details with no thought of the mental aftermath.

Victims have a right to choose when to talk, if at all.

Glad to hear you showed your DM the kindness, patience and understanding for her to deal with the trauma her own way.

I speak from my own experience, whose else?
I've written about OP & her DM's situation, which you've read.

We don't know what OP's DM thinks, so I can't speak for her.

OP asked if she should ask, & those are my reasons why I think it's not a good idea.

People are different and we learn from each other's experiences.

It's a forum for people to share what they deem suitable.

OP will takeaway what she chooses.

@NovemberMorn and once again no one on this thread has suggested that the mum should talk about what happened to her.
Not me and certainly not the OP either.

What the OP wants is confirmation that this particular event that SHE WAS PART OF took place. Because thinking something has happened, having memories of it but being told ‘it’s all fantasy. It never happened’ does things to your mind.
Thats it.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere I think your post is more about you and your own history than it is about the OP.

I agree 100%.
My mother never wanted to discuss her traumatic event, she handled it the best way for her.
No one pressed her to talk and open up old wounds, and that is the kindest way to act imo.

The OP must find her own way of dealing with this, either through therapy, or perhaps by subtly talking to an older confidante who knew her mum back when this happened.

OP says she asked over the years.
She's now an adult and still wants to ask.

Victim blaming being thrown around because you don't agree is ridiculous.

We clearly have differing opinions.

As I said before, there are traumatic incidents I'm not happy discussing and wouldn't appreciate somone bringing them up unless I was ready.

Some people talk earlier than others, some take it to the grave, that's their choice!

Why should that choice be taken away from OP's DM? Do mothers not have rights to how and when they disclose traumatic incidents?

OP has the option of getting therapy, or she could wait for when her DM is ready to talk.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere the OP kept asking when she was 6yo!!

I know MN can have strange ideas some times but expecting a 6yo, who has just been traumatised, to take it on herself to stop asking questions is bonkers.
Best way to have a child who grows up with very unhealthy coping mechanisms too.

Blaming the OP first doing something completely normal as a 6yo is more akin to victim blaming tbh.

Your opinion, an insulting one at that.

I literally said: No one said any of what OP went through is OK.

And: Get therapy for it OP if you need closure and let your DM deal with her issues her own way.

From OP: , I asked her about it often for the next couple of weeks she said that it was ‘just drawings’ and that she was fine. I could tell she continued to be upset by it and honestly feel like she changed since then.
I understand that something upsetting obviously happened to her and why she wouldn’t want to tell me.

She tried to put a lid on it, but OP keeps asking.

OP doesn't get to decide if or when her DM talks about it.

Yes! I watched this show on the television at the time, at a friend's house. We all thought at first that he was messing about and so did the live audience; I remember them laughing. It was so horrible.

It seems to me that it’s you and @PaperAeroplane who are underestimating trauma. The OP’s trauma, which has been caused by her DM and which her DM is continuing to inflict by gaslighting her. If it had never been mentioned again then I could attribute it to the mother doing what felt best at the time but the tattoos add a whole other level to this, they’re triggering to the OP and retraumatising her when she sees them. If her DM is happy to acknowledge to the world that these marks have some meaning to her then it’s cruel to continue to lie to her daughter, IMO.

Who are you to suggest the mum has gotten over it! That's a big IF and is no one's business but hers.

The tattoo could have been a nail in the coffin to that incident, to say she's conquered it but still not want to talk about it.

It could be nothing as bad as most of us think, but why poke!

Only she gets to decide when & if the time is right to revisit it.

Gosh, it's shocking how people underestimate trauma.

Do you think the OP is doing ‘bring upset and traumatised as a child’ on purpose instead?

Your idea that the mum can’t help it etc… is assuming that the mum is STILL. Hugely upset about it. And yet she has had tattoos with arrows done in her arms.
Having done that, one might assume she has worked through a lot of it rather than still being totally shut down about it.

I get the desire for closure/affirmation but you would have to be aware that there is a reason she didn't tell you and tried to brush it off. Supposing she does confess something awful that happened to her - you may feel much worse and guilty for pushing it - you can't unknow things

Yes, her mum isn't doing this on purpose. It's obviously something really upsetting that she may never be ready to talk about. That doesn't make her a terrible person!

No one said any of what OP went through is OK.
We don't know what her DM went through as she hasn't shared it.
Bottom line is she has a right to not want to discuss it.
OP could have dropped it but has kept asking, hence the mum now denying it.

If you've been through trauma that you don't feel ready to talk about, why should someone else's want of validation come first?

OP is now a grown woman, not a child. It's not hard to understand that some things are best left unsaid.

Why the need to make people talk to satiate her curiosity.

Her mum has opted out of that memory, so if OP wants to keep at it, maybe therapy will help.

Her DM confirming it isn't a straightforward thing, it's possibly opening a can of worms she's not yet ready to deal with.

Her mum confirmed it before, OP knew it happened, knew her DM didn't want to talk about it, yet keeps asking.

That's what's not ok.

You seriously asking,how? Because direct question asking mum about what op thinks she recalls is potentially provocative and upsetting . It’sa question seeking a disclosure to reassure op that she remembers correctly

Op: Hey Mum,I recall when I was 8yo that you came home with distinctive markings on your body and you were crying .
Mum: No,that didn’t happen…
Op:Yes, I recall,vividly…
Mum: No…

@PaperAeroplane so you're saying OP should be the 'adult' there, so her mother doesn't ever have to be?

But that's not what's happened here..
A traumatised mother who keeps strange secrets or .....
A mother who obviously had a traumatic or upsetting incident that resulted in her child seeing her crying in the shower with drawings in her body.
I have given my theory (as someone who has been through similar)
The drawings sound very similar to those used by police hospitals to point/circle injuries to be photographed as evidence. The op doesn't recall her mum being injured but she was seven years old, memories are rarely 100% accurate. Also I didn't mention this earlier to op but she's confused by the amount of drawings.. when they did mine they (police hospital) document everything.. moles, old scars, everything. At least they did with me.
The only reason op has been continuously "lied" too by her mother is because she keeps asking even though her mum has made it really clear she doesn't want to talk about it.
If op had accepted that her mum doesn't want to acknowledge it then her mum would never have had to lie.
As I explained to op earlier, my son overheard me talking about my experience, I outright denied the conversation happened, not because I'm an evil gaslighting mother who wants my son in therapy one day. It's to me (and maybe I'm wrong) he is better off not hearing my story.
Ops mum has clearly been through something, that something is her trauma to deal with. It's just unfortunate her seven year old child walked in on the aftermath, but op isn't seven anymore, she's an adult who needs to tell her self that her mum has a right to privacy.

I think having a traumatised mother who keeps a strange secret and then denies her daughter’s reality and refuses to be truthful might be a great reason for that daughter to need therapy, yes.

And to suggest.. Op would need therapy over her mum not telling her about what happened is abit much.
The mum tried at the time to get op to leave it alone.. the only reason she has to continue denying it is because op isn't taking the hint... Her mum doesn't want to tell her. That should have been a good enough explanation.

The op probably needs to except that she needs to drop it. If ops mum regularly did things and denied them and made her daughter feel like she was going mad then fine.. that clearly isn't okay. But this is a one time thing that the mum could have good reasons for keeping private. She is entitled to privacy, being a parent doesn't mean she has to lose that right.

How is saying Yes to ‘I have a memory as a child of you being very upset with arrows drawn over your body. Did it happen?’ an explanation or a disclosure?

The fact the mum feels it’s a hard memory or feels guilty her dd saw it or whatever doesn’t change the fact it was traumatic for the OP too. And that it is ALSO part of her memories and her past.

The impact on the mum isn’t more important than the impact on the OP. One person and their needs isn’t more important than the other.
But what the mum can’t do is to keep it ‘undisclosed’ because it already is disclosed.
Not wanting to talk about it ok. The mum just needs to say ‘it’s not something I want to talk about’. That’s it. Lying isn’t simply not necessary (and wasn’t in the past either)