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AIBU?

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Original poster

Old(er) men creeping on young women [at work]

108 replies

FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 20:31

Today I visited a shop and a lovely young woman, non-native English greeted us [was with DS2].

Later, noticed an older man talking to her about her weekend plans, specifically valentines plans and repeatedly looking down at her chest. I heard comments such as "sure someone must be taking you out", "you're clearly very worthy" etc...
I went over and interrupted, asking for her help. When she broke free and asked what I wanted, I said "nothing, he was just being creepy". I had hesitated interrupting for a minute later than intended due to trying to check whether she did feel uncomfortable, but she was being nothing but polite and friendly back. When I replied to her to say I wanted nothing, I was just interrupting because he was being creepy, she hugged me and said, yes, thank you. And repeated that twice.

I now regret not stepping in a moment sooner. And also, not saying more loudly when I interrupted, so the man could hear.

Would you have stepped in?
Would you have said anything loudly so the man could overhear?

It's stayed with me. Younger me remembers these interactions. Felt uncomfortable, brushed them off, entertained them.
Nowadays, being older, happy to intersect.
Hoping to bring my boys up to never repeat this behaviour.

AIBU: Should not interrupt/jump in
AINBU: Should always jump in and help younger/fellow females?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 23:09

FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 23:05

Okay also.

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How have I made the assump?
Hm.
The fact she didnt speak or understand English very well?
The fact she had very different culture (hugging) as an instant response?
The fact she looked extremely not typically English?
These things are not a crime, but are indicators to not being born in England.
When I lived overseas, the touching culture is the first thing that struck me as non-english, and the ability to share feelings/emotions to strangers. BROADLY SPEAKING obviously.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 23:07

Ablondiebutagoody · 14/02/2025 21:01

The whole thing is fishy. He thought she was "worthy"? Then she hugged you? Pull the other one

I actually missed the bit where she tried to buy the OP's son a present.

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 23:05

ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 22:58

Reeks of white saviour syndrome...the non native English means nothing to me, be specific. How have you made an assumption the girl wasn't born here. The colour of her skin in not a worthy barometer of nationality. All colour and shades of people have been born here since time and memorial. See 'Cheddar Man'

Okay also.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 23:05

sometimesmovingforwards · 14/02/2025 22:57

Agreed.
I’ll file it under “stories the OP hopes sound good but didn’t actually happen that way at all”.

Show quote history

Okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 23:04

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2025 22:51

I'd have laughed at him and said "her face is up here, Sir" and given her a big, knowing smile.

This would have been great except I was the total other side of the shop. Because it needed such a physical move, that's why I hesitated. Definitely next time, and I love having that phrase in the artillery.. honestly, who does he think he is glancing down at her chest so often
Utter creep.

OP posts:
ConstanceM · 14/02/2025 22:58

Reeks of white saviour syndrome...the non native English means nothing to me, be specific. How have you made an assumption the girl wasn't born here. The colour of her skin in not a worthy barometer of nationality. All colour and shades of people have been born here since time and memorial. See 'Cheddar Man'

sometimesmovingforwards · 14/02/2025 22:57

Ablondiebutagoody · 14/02/2025 21:01

The whole thing is fishy. He thought she was "worthy"? Then she hugged you? Pull the other one

Agreed.
I’ll file it under “stories the OP hopes sound good but didn’t actually happen that way at all”.

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2025 22:51

I'd have laughed at him and said "her face is up here, Sir" and given her a big, knowing smile.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 14/02/2025 22:50

Anonym00se · 14/02/2025 21:10

I would feel that if my own dd moved abroad and had limited language in that country, that she would be even more vulnerable than a native young woman.

OP you did exactly the right thing!

Yes, it’s this. I’m surprised any woman doesn’t recognise this.

A young woman abroad is very obviously more vulnerable than one who’s born and brought up there, with family and friends and all kinds of networks.

I often was in that situation when I was young and travelling / working abroad. I would have loved someone like OP to help me out!

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:49

MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:45

But how does that mean she hasn't worked anywhere else with the public?

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Her age, and use of language, indicated to me that it might be one of her first roles. A guess on my part
From years of interactions with humans.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:48

MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:45

But how does that mean she hasn't worked anywhere else with the public?

Show quote history

It doesn't.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:45

FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:42

Well, the fact I go in once or twice a week, havent visited in a week, and now she is there. So on that assumption, she has started volunteering in the past week or so?

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But how does that mean she hasn't worked anywhere else with the public?

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:42

MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:38

That's an awful lot of thinking you're doing there.

What are you basing it upon?

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Well, the fact I go in once or twice a week, havent visited in a week, and now she is there. So on that assumption, she has started volunteering in the past week or so?

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 14/02/2025 22:41

That was a nice thing to do. I like your adjectives as it tells the story. If you didn't have them someone would be asking you about the age of the man, did the woman seem like a native English speaker etc etc. people are too bloody sensitive when it isn't necessary.

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:40

Apologies for unintentional derailing of thread. Ignore non-native reference.

Do you question men when they act inappropriately to young women.

If yes, when, is there a line/moment or just jump in?
Are we worried about conflict with the perpetrator/ patronisation of the "victim"?

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:38

FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:36

Totally think it might have been one of her first days/weeks/experiences. I'm a regular customer. She is a recent hire as of last two weeks.

I think might have been.one of her first such experiences in this role.

Show quote history

That's an awful lot of thinking you're doing there.

What are you basing it upon?

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:36

MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:31

This sounds a bit like one of those "And the whole bus stood up and clapped" sort of threads.

The hugging was odd unless it was her first day at work and she's literally never experienced a letchy customer.

Still, well done anyway.

Totally think it might have been one of her first days/weeks/experiences. I'm a regular customer. She is a recent hire as of last two weeks.

I think might have been.one of her first such experiences in this role.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 14/02/2025 22:31

This sounds a bit like one of those "And the whole bus stood up and clapped" sort of threads.

The hugging was odd unless it was her first day at work and she's literally never experienced a letchy customer.

Still, well done anyway.

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 22:14

I know. After leaving the shop and driving onwards, felt annoyed that we are still having to go through this. I'll be honest, it's probably only because of recent vocal movements such as #metoo, that I felt empowered to intervene. Then afterwards, incredulous that this is ongoing. Hope we can wipe it out for future generations.

Also wondering whether a call to the manager to flag it might help. I feel, due to the friendliness and beauty of the new volunteer, that this is an issue which will repeat itself.

Yes, I have refrained from saying beautiful, fearing a slaying, but she is. She is very pretty and will undoubtedly attract male attention in the shop. But her friendliness spoke volumes to me, she greeted me and my son instantly when we walked through the door, despite her being at the other side of the shop originally. Other, less well-intentioned people, will mis-interpret her friendliness.

OP posts:
Toseland · 14/02/2025 22:05

All women need to stand up for other women. I've rescued many women especially at bus stops and in nightclubs!

Original poster
FeFiFamPho · 14/02/2025 21:58

Rightsraptor · 14/02/2025 21:47

Anybody who thinks this young woman not being British is irrelevant can't ever have travelled to or lived in another country themselves. Being an outsider makes you far more vulnerable, you might not know the customs and ways of the locals, you might not really understand what they're saying to you. Plus, if you're from a culture where respect towards older people is the norm, you might well find it impossible to tell a man the age of your father or even grandfather to fuck off.

A thousand times this. Which is why I mentioned non-native because I felt it was 100% relevant. I probably, naively, felt everyone would implicitly understand that. Thank you so much to those who have elaborated. Keen to hear from those who haven't even experienced similar, from all sides.

I remember my young woman days and all the uncomfortable 'flirtatious ' one-sided conversations I had from very creepy, much older men. ESPECIALLY when I was staff and PAID to interact. Very difficult to escape from, and now feel I'll be on the lookout for potential rescuees, but difficult to know when it's welcomed or not, hence the hesitation.

OP posts:
Zanzara · 14/02/2025 21:57

Rightsraptor · 14/02/2025 21:47

Anybody who thinks this young woman not being British is irrelevant can't ever have travelled to or lived in another country themselves. Being an outsider makes you far more vulnerable, you might not know the customs and ways of the locals, you might not really understand what they're saying to you. Plus, if you're from a culture where respect towards older people is the norm, you might well find it impossible to tell a man the age of your father or even grandfather to fuck off.

As someone who studied at foreign Universities in an age before mobile phones, I agree.

Zanzara · 14/02/2025 21:54

You did the right thing OP. I will always hang around or occasionally intervene if I think a woman is in danger or being pestered or harassed. I'm currently abroad, and yesterday in the supermarket car park I loitered because an older man who I perceived to be drunk (with a can of beer in his hand) was heading towards a lady putting her shopping in the car.

I got in the car when DH reassured me he'd seen them together earlier and all was well.

SpanielLarusso · 14/02/2025 21:54

I say well done you! I remember lots of horrid men doing this sort of thing when I was young and painfully shy, including a particularly bad creep who used to come looking for me when I was 18 and working in a shop..he used to admit to only liking teenagers 🤢 I remember always complaining about him to my manager and senior colleagues when I saw him come in looking for me, but no one cared. I wish I'd had someone like you to step in! I'm sure the young lady was very grateful

Rightsraptor · 14/02/2025 21:47

Anybody who thinks this young woman not being British is irrelevant can't ever have travelled to or lived in another country themselves. Being an outsider makes you far more vulnerable, you might not know the customs and ways of the locals, you might not really understand what they're saying to you. Plus, if you're from a culture where respect towards older people is the norm, you might well find it impossible to tell a man the age of your father or even grandfather to fuck off.