Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Increasingly frustrating trying to maintain a relationship with partners daughter

67 replies

LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 18:05

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years, I have one son who is 39, and he has a daughter who is 32. My son has 2 children who are 8 and 5, his daughter has 2 children who are 4 and 2. When my partner and I met, she was 15, her mum passed away when she was 12 and if I’m honest upon reflection we didn’t really navigate the start of the relationship very well. I probably met her way too soon and we tried to create a happy family far too quickly. At 18 she moved to Canada for university and would come back once a year, she didn’t move back to the UK until 6 years ago. She now lives about an hour and a half away and it feels impossible to maintain a relationship with her.
She comes down to our area once a month to visit her gran (mums, mum), we offer to have them over every time but it’s always a no. So we have fallen into a routine of every other month meeting them somewhere public, either going for lunch, to the beach with the kids etc. She will not meet up with us if my son or his children are with us. Then on the month we don’t meet up when she is down, we travel up to hers and spend an afternoon with them. My partner is a coach driver so often has to work weekends and we are often meant to be providing childcare for my son on weekends too as he and his wife both do shift work. They have made it clear the children aren’t welcome.
She also refuses to visit my partners parents in their home despite them being in their 80s so every other month they end up having to come out to see her and the kids. She won’t justify why this is at all but we have a theory that it’s because we live in council flats and she now lives in a large rural old house and sends her kids to private school so she doesn’t view our home as good enough.
Anyway this weekend we are meant to be going up to see her but we have my son’s youngest child, we told her this and she said we can just not come yet. It’s pissed us off as she is 5 years old, what possible issue can she have with a 5 year old!!
We also didn’t see her last month as she told us they were just picking her gran up and taking her up to stay with them for a couple of days so wouldn’t actually be spending anytime in the area. We asked if we could meet before but it was a no.
The grandchildren hardly know us, we have offered to FaceTime but it’s always a no.

Im half tempted to say fine, we tried but she’s clearly not interested in being close to us so we should back off. My partner is quite passive and feels similar.

AIBU to say it’s getting too difficult so we just need to back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:45

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 14/02/2025 19:43

Honestly, I think something may have happened between your son and her. Doesn't matter that he was living with his girlfriend and only visiting occasionally.

She was 15, he was 22.

She's adamant she doesn't want to see him or his children. She seems to have very strong feelings about it for there to be nothing there. Those feelings could extend out to you.

Uncomfortable to hear but seems to explain the situation.

sorry OP but from the outside I think this is a reasonable explanation and to be fair, you wouldn't know for sure.

It’s physically impossible. The only times and I mean only times they have been together are at Christmas and Easter for maybe 3 hours to eat a meal around a table. She would never stay after Christmas dinner (she would literally get her dad to drive her home and come back).

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 14/02/2025 19:45

With all due respect why would she want contact with you? Can your DP visit her without you?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/02/2025 19:43

Mauro711 · 14/02/2025 19:21

Eek! Yes, with your update I can completely see why she feels the way she does. Your husband behaved appallingly towards his young daughter who had just lost the most important person in her life. She must have some deep rooted abandonment issues from that. Poor girl and now poor woman.

Absolutely. She lost her mum at 12, and then her dad at 15/16. Even now he makes no real effort with her without you and your grandchildren foisted on her

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 14/02/2025 19:43

Honestly, I think something may have happened between your son and her. Doesn't matter that he was living with his girlfriend and only visiting occasionally.

She was 15, he was 22.

She's adamant she doesn't want to see him or his children. She seems to have very strong feelings about it for there to be nothing there. Those feelings could extend out to you.

Uncomfortable to hear but seems to explain the situation.

sorry OP but from the outside I think this is a reasonable explanation and to be fair, you wouldn't know for sure.

Maray1967 · 14/02/2025 19:40

That’s a tough thing to say, I know - but my DM died when DB and I were a few years older - and our DF was always there for us. What the hell was your DH doing?

Going forward, he needs to talk to her without you plus kids there and he needs to own the extent of his neglect of her. He has a lot of work to do.

MissUltraViolet · 14/02/2025 19:39

This has nothing to do with anyone living in a council flat and everything to do with your DH being a shitty, selfish father and not prioritising her after her mum passed and he met you. She has probably put you in the same box as him.

Take a step back, encourage your husband to build a relationship with her on his own.

Original poster
LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:39

Simonjt · 14/02/2025 19:35

Did he keep the family home, or was she essentially made homeless at 18?

He stopped prioritising his daughters welfare when he met you.

As a child she was abandoned several times a week.

So he’s a rubbish dad who felt he had no need to prioritise his daughters wellbeing.

Show quote history

It was a council house so as soon as he moved out it was someone else’s. She always had a room at my house though.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/02/2025 19:38

LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:17

You made so many wrong assumptions.

My son was 22 when I met my partner, he was living with his girlfriend.
We didn’t move in together until she moved to Canada, when we did he moved in with me.
She barely had any contact with my son just Christmas I think, maybe Easter.

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

My son really isn’t the issue.

Show quote history

Her Dad got a new girlfriend, stopped going to her sporting events and left her home alone 50% of the time! No wonder she doesn’t want a relationship with him. Maybe you didn’t know about the sport but you must have known he was with you 3-4 nights a week and that he had a teenage daughter home alone. Why do you think you deserve a relationship with her? It doesn’t sound like her Dad prioritised her during her teen years when kids need their parents most, especially a teen who was only recently bereaved of her mum, why would she bother with him now? He made it clear his relationship with you was more important than his relationship with her and you stood by and let it happen. So sad for your DSD.

Simonjt · 14/02/2025 19:35

LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:17

You made so many wrong assumptions.

My son was 22 when I met my partner, he was living with his girlfriend.
We didn’t move in together until she moved to Canada, when we did he moved in with me.
She barely had any contact with my son just Christmas I think, maybe Easter.

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

My son really isn’t the issue.

Show quote history

Did he keep the family home, or was she essentially made homeless at 18?

He stopped prioritising his daughters welfare when he met you.

As a child she was abandoned several times a week.

So he’s a rubbish dad who felt he had no need to prioritise his daughters wellbeing.

Jk987 · 14/02/2025 19:31

I also think she needs a 1 on 1 relationship with her Dad so you should step back a bit.

She lost her Mum at 12. Even though she's over 30 it will always hurt.

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 19:30

It sounds like your SD has some issues with her father (and possibly/probably you) stemming from her childhood. Look at it from her point of view - she lost her mum and then her dad got together with you and sounds as though he was an absent father, at least some of the time. If I were you, I'd leave it up to your husband to make the effort to have a better relationship with his daughter. Concentrate on your own son and grandchildren and let him make the visits on his own.

Snorlaxo · 14/02/2025 19:30

Your update explains it all. She doesn’t make as much effort with her dad because he suddenly stopped making an effort with her at 15-16 in order to prioritise his relationship with you. I know that they aren’t choices that you made but it’s clear why her dad isn’t a priority any more and why she doesn’t want your grandkids there- she wants her dad, not a reminder of everyone else he’s prioritised over her.

Sassybooklover · 14/02/2025 19:27

As hard as it may be, I think you do need to step back. I suspect your step-daughter wants a relationship with her Dad, and isn't interested in you, your children or grandchildren. It would be simpler for your husband to visit his daughter by himself and again if she visits the area where you live, he meets with her himself. Has your husband ever seen his daughter without you being there? He needs to build a relationship with his daughter and grandchildren. It's lovely that your son accepts your husband and you all have a good relationship with him. I believe his daughter is distant because her Dad is never without you in tow. I know it feels horrible, and yes it's a rejection, but you can't make her be involved with you and your family. However, you need to encourage your husband to build a relationship with his daughter and grandchildren, even if that means without you.

Maray1967 · 14/02/2025 19:24

LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:17

You made so many wrong assumptions.

My son was 22 when I met my partner, he was living with his girlfriend.
We didn’t move in together until she moved to Canada, when we did he moved in with me.
She barely had any contact with my son just Christmas I think, maybe Easter.

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

My son really isn’t the issue.

Show quote history

No, your DH is. He stopped going to her events and had left her alone a lot. He’s a disgrace as a father to a motherless daughter.

Livelaughlurgy · 14/02/2025 19:23

From reading it I wouldn't assume snobbery. Who supported her in Canada? I can't imagine how hard it would be losing your mom at 12 and then I imagine she lost her dad too.

Did her dad ever visit in Canada? It sounds like she just came home once a year.

SheridansPortSalut · 14/02/2025 19:22

There's a lot of 'we' and 'us' in your post. It sounds like you come as a package deal. Thats not fair. Youre not her mother. She clearly doesn't want a relationship with you. Stop forcing it.

It's up to her father to try to forge a relationship with her and with his grandchildren. It's up to him to give the time that she never got because you were on the scene too soon 'trying to create a happy family'.

You're still trying to create/force a happy family. Its got nothing to go with a council house or anything of the sort. Your son is not her family. You need to take back seat on this.

Mauro711 · 14/02/2025 19:21

Eek! Yes, with your update I can completely see why she feels the way she does. Your husband behaved appallingly towards his young daughter who had just lost the most important person in her life. She must have some deep rooted abandonment issues from that. Poor girl and now poor woman.

Sunnydiary · 14/02/2025 19:21

From your updates he was a shit dad @LindyHMEM

Would he visit his DD without you holding his hand? Or is he just not bothered about her?

Normallynumb · 14/02/2025 19:19

If DH was that interested in his DD he would visit her alone.
That's probably why she is hurting, its likely not personal to you
You are kind, but have tried too hard to make everything right, when DH should do that.

Original poster
LindyHMEM · 14/02/2025 19:17

ServantsGonnaServe · 14/02/2025 19:08

What was her and your sons relationship like?

There is so much at play here i cannot even believe you think it's snobbery.

  1. Your son might have abused her.
  2. If not, you and and your son moved in with her and her dad and, sorry I can't put this nicer) took over her family. Her family was her and her mum and dad. Then her and her dad. Then all of a sudden it you, him, your dad and her. She even ran away to Canada to put an ocean between you all to get the space she needed.
  3. She doesn't want to be in your space. Because it isn't hers, that was taken away by dad moving you and your son in together. .
  4. I suspect her dad always let's you run the show. Not just in a bossy way but u bet you run round after him cooking, cleaning, organising his appointments.. everything he should have, and may have been doing, when he was an active dad when it was just them.
  5. The girl wanted a dad. She doesn't really have one does she? He has a new family who live nearby and don't inconvenience him.

Honestly OP, I suspect she hates him but is so scared of losing a parent she can't quite sever the last shred of relationship, which likely, to your credit, only exists because you make arrangements and her passove dad turns up.

I'm not having a dig at you, all you did was move in too soon. But it sounds like her dad is a passenger in life (ironically) and has been so passive and just let's everyone sort his life out. Aren't you tired?

You made so many wrong assumptions.

My son was 22 when I met my partner, he was living with his girlfriend.
We didn’t move in together until she moved to Canada, when we did he moved in with me.
She barely had any contact with my son just Christmas I think, maybe Easter.

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

My son really isn’t the issue.

OP posts:
waterrat · 14/02/2025 19:13

he's passive and not that bothered???? when he is her only living parent?

probably why she is hurt and not engaging much.

Sunnydiary · 14/02/2025 19:12

Yeah, my adult DC can’t bear their dad’s wife. According to them she’s racist, homophobic and generally thick. Nothing to do with me, I have minimal contact with her, she wasn’t OW and I have no interest.

Unfortunately, he has somehow lost his ability to spend time with his own children without his wife in tow.

They see him maybe once or twice a year. Have never bothered to visit the home he shares with her. He must know she’s the problem, but no way that I could say anything obviously. Such a shame but his loss as they are both amazing.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/02/2025 19:10

Aside from the “we” (which i agree with) what stands out is her refusal to see your son. Could something have happened between them when younger? I’m assuming he also lived with you at the time.

Going to Canada for university is pretty far to go. It definitely sends a message that she wanted to get as far away as possible.

I agree it is time for you to step back and for her dad to start stepping forward and making the effort.

ServantsGonnaServe · 14/02/2025 19:08

What was her and your sons relationship like?

There is so much at play here i cannot even believe you think it's snobbery.

  1. Your son might have abused her.
  2. If not, you and and your son moved in with her and her dad and, sorry I can't put this nicer) took over her family. Her family was her and her mum and dad. Then her and her dad. Then all of a sudden it you, him, your dad and her. She even ran away to Canada to put an ocean between you all to get the space she needed.
  3. She doesn't want to be in your space. Because it isn't hers, that was taken away by dad moving you and your son in together. .
  4. I suspect her dad always let's you run the show. Not just in a bossy way but u bet you run round after him cooking, cleaning, organising his appointments.. everything he should have, and may have been doing, when he was an active dad when it was just them.
  5. The girl wanted a dad. She doesn't really have one does she? He has a new family who live nearby and don't inconvenience him.

Honestly OP, I suspect she hates him but is so scared of losing a parent she can't quite sever the last shred of relationship, which likely, to your credit, only exists because you make arrangements and her passove dad turns up.

I'm not having a dig at you, all you did was move in too soon. But it sounds like her dad is a passenger in life (ironically) and has been so passive and just let's everyone sort his life out. Aren't you tired?

TheSilentSister · 14/02/2025 19:05

My ex had this situation in his family. His DF's DD didn't take to his new wife and he won't see her on his own. I think he would but his 'new' wife would be affronted.
Such a shame as they are now NC and he's missed out on so much.
Encourage your DH to visit on his own and see how that goes down.
I think I'd find it hard to have a new family pushed on me. I'd distance myself I think.