DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

Would she soak in a bath if you ran it rather than the shower?

Why is it not routine that she has a bath before bed?!

When I was at primary school, aged 9-10 a classmate, Nina, was given a bath once a week and does not seem to have washed her bits in between.

The entire school called her "Smell-ina", some even chanted it at her as she walked by.

You need to save your DSD from that!

It's good of you to step in to try to fix your partner's major parenting fail.

Cleanliness is a big deal at this age. If she's smelly and her hair is greasy and she gets upset when the subject is brought up, she might have been bullied about her hygiene already. She might have to be shown how to scrub her body.

One of my kids is ND and had an issue with showering around that age. She picked washcloths and towels she liked and used soap instead of shower gel. I also started washing her hair in the sink with a bit of a scalp massage and blow drying after and that turned from a dreaded chore into a pleasant time spent together and a nice way to wind down in the evening.

Your partner needs to have the uncomfortable conversations and stop half assing parenting. He's got periods and safety and sex and contraception coming up.

Yes, she needs to wash everyday and frankly it's easier to have her soak in the bath, with some nice bath salts or bubble bath, than take a shower where the soaking effect won't come into play.

You should also take her to the hairdresser for a wash/cut/style and prep your hairdresser to have a chat about how often she should wash her hair.

This is only getting worse, gentle encouragement, a better routine and nice products etc isn't working,

she shouldn't NEED to shower every day (no one should) IF she was doing it correctly. Which OP clearly states...

My sd was like this. My dh did try it was actually her mum who just let her rot.
The issue didn't resolve itself, she had no friends, she smelt and looked dirty. My husband once heaved after she arrived or was appalling.
Def get involved and get sd into a good routine early before high school

Going slightly against the grain here but why does she need to shower every day? How dirty can she really be?

And this is where hygiene issues in adults stem from. An adult who stinks won't immediately shower everyday, if it was ok to skip it when they were a child. I've only ever seen this attitude in this country though. It's hygienic to shower or bath everyday. Before the lazy not good for your skin brigade comes, I have two kids with eczema and no dermatologist has ever said not to have a daily bath, just not hot water.

Kids are in school, run about, do sports, travel by public transport, etc. it is a no brainer that you need to clean yourself everyday.

Does she struggle with sensory issues if she’s also unwilling to have a hair cut etc?

Because she never washes, not because she washes every day or two.

Maybe you do need to get involved OP, I imagine a 10 year old girl is quite embarrassed that her dad is telling her how to wash and I am guessing he’s never explicitly taught her.

Maybe time to be a bit more stern but in a loving way- maybe, make a sink hair wash twice a week a non-negotiable?

My DD couldn't rinse conditioner out of her thick hair properly at this age but didn't want me to come and do it.
She ended up using a 2 in 1 shampoo and then a spritz of detangling spray once out.

I agree, but if she's never done it properly belly button groin bum crack etc it will be pretty stinky. That needs to be overcome then a quick splash everywhere every other day and a shower altering might be enough. My gran used to call it a daily lick and a promise. The promise being to fit properly next time.

What does "doesn't do it properly" mean? She's having the shower. Is she not using shampoo at all or just not rinsing well enough?

Does she respond better to prompting from you or dad?
my DH is a wonderful step dad, but there are still things that the kids are more comfortable with me doing.

It's not your place to action this. Your DH has said leave her to it, so that is what you do.

She will soon get in the shower when the bullying starts.

Has anyone ever actually told her how to wash herself? (Especially if her mum hasn't been in her life since she was tiny?) Mine are 5 and 2, and DH thought it was fine for them to just soak in a bubble bath without actually being washed - which it probably is at this point, but by the time they really do need to know how to wash their privates and armpits etc, they definitely don't want someone in the bathroom supervising! I had to persuade DH that now is the time to teach them, so that it's routine by the time they need it to be. I've had to be quite graphic with DS5 both about bum wiping and washing with a flannel in the bath, in terms of where exactly the poo comes out of and where he needs to be wiping/washing. Could it be that nobody's ever made these things explicit to her?

I do think at age 10 it is the parents’ responsibility to make sure their child is clean and presentable. It’s not up to the child. That’s year 5/6 isn’t it? She obviously needs more support/guidance/reminding which bits to wash.

Then you have to point out that she isn’t doing it herself

Just wanted to say, you sound like a really lovely and thoughtful step-mum. I hope he recognises these ‘small’ things you’re doing for her because it’s very easy for them to go unnoticed but how lucky he and that girl are to have a person in their life who does things like mentioning periods and writes on online forums for advice to figure out how to help her.

edited because quoting OP’s message went wrong 😑

Poor thing. Thing is, if she is roundly excluded (and she will be, even by the nice kids), she will miss out on the opportunity to learn social skills at the same time as her peers, to learn the social language and ways of the people she's surrounded by. If she suddenly decides to be clean and fit in at 16, her peers will be much less forgiving about social missteps she will make as a result of having grown up being kept apart from the normal teenage world - the kind of missteps that would be par for the course for younger kids but would affect her social standing as an older kid. Maybe if you explain that to her, she'll realise how important it is not to make herself such a target for exclusion. (And I am a huge advocate for inclusion usually - smell is a totally different thing. If someone was making loud noises or flashing light in people's eyes, they'd be told sharply to stop - and smell is as intrusive, can cause headaches etc.)

Of course it isn't unreasonable. It's not about beauty or being girly. If she stinks she stinks. Being unhygienic is unacceptable. Keeping good bodily hygiene is a life skill.