DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

One thing to consider - is he washing her clothes well, eg they are not smelly.
My teens sports clothes can still smell of BO after washing them if I don’t use biooogical washing powder and have started adding Dettol antibacterial liquid too if v smelly. Synthetic clothes can retain smells more I find.
Make sure bedding etc is washed regularly and her room is clean. I’m sure he’s on it, just worth a polite check.

I might have missed a post or two that already makes this point: I know someone had queried neuro diversity and you say she hasn't displayed any indicators before but girls often don't until they get older.

10-12 is a key age at which neurodiversity in girls starts to become noticeable so don't dismiss it out of hand. Children of this age as well may not be able to articulate that it's a sensory problem they have, so I'd recommend taking an approach that is sensitive to neurodiversity (nothing to lose) and keeping an eye out for indications emerging in the next few years.

Of course she wants privacy, but at that age I think children are still very much children when it comes to self care and don't enjoy it/ are not interested. I'd suggest setting out a regular routine & clear steps that she needs to follow as a minimum each time.

Perhaps also normalise talking about certain (appropriate) aspects of your own hygiene & your partners. E.g. I wonder if my deodrant is still doing the job properly? I think I might need to try a new one in spring when the weather warms up

Could there be sensory or executive functioning issues involved?

There may be neurodivergence and even if not, the kind of approaches that work for ND kids could be helpful.

Some things we use for our ND kids absolutely can be used for any kid who is having difficulty.

For example, could she have a bath instead of a shower? Could she use wipes or a damp cloth\ towel on the most important bits of she can't face a shower? Could she had \ shower twice a week and use some hacks in between?

Can she use dry shampoo \ a cleaning cap ? Will flavourless tooth paste help? Chewable tooth brush? Would roll on deodorant feel better than a spray? Would scent free be better?

Is there an issue with the bathroom e.g. too hot , too cold, noisy pipes, harsh lighting?

Is the transition daunting? Are The towels \ wash clothes scratchy? What Would feel better?

Removing hair is too intimate and a step too far at 10. I did eventually have to raise that with my DD, but not until she was about 15, and it was only ever armpits, never anywhere else.

You need the soap talk, and that's it. Hair removal is personal choice, soap is not. This early stage of puberty is difficult for a lot of children and what you're experiencing isn't that unusual.

She needs non-negotiable rules for the things that matter - soap for armpits, help to wash her hair for now, deodorant applied at bedtime after she's washed.

FWIW I have done this with a ND child. That's why I kept the rules simple and only around what matters.

I wouldn't discount ND. I was similar as a child (and adult). It's not just a sensory thing. It's also about all the steps involved and the perceived effort all that takes. I also would have just gotten myself wet too because 1. it would mean I'd done something, and 2. my mum wouldn't nag me if she thought I'd showered. (See also: getting dressed. It's much easier to wear the same clothes, inc underwear, than having to spend mental and physical energy changing.)

I don't know what the solution is sadly. I did get bullied and I did feel ashamed, which really only made things worse because being unable to make myself stop avoiding it just enforced what a failure I was and made the anxiety worse.

I agree, everyone should be clean, female or male.

You said it not likely to be ND cos she's not shown signs previously

I'd still say don't dismiss it as when puberty creeps closer, hormones changing and new brain development being ramped up to keep up with these changes CAN make you act differently than before

I'm currently reading a lovely book by Lisa Damour about teenage girls and she goes in depth about this sort of stuff, worth a read. It isn't long either, I'm on my second read

Some girls can't face their bodies changing and go into denial. All help is brushed off and ignored, slowly spiralling into a despair that they cannot communicate or know how to get out of

Gentle indirect communication could help, if there is an older girl in the family that could help her is she's not listening to either of you

It's tough to tackle as too much talk about this and invites to spas will just send her running for the hills.

She's embarrassed and her father shrugging about it won't help her self esteem, and as some have said, could lead to bullying

I personally struggled w self care when entering puberty, I felt out of control, scared and too embarrassed to even talk to my mum
Only as an adult I realised that a bit thing for me was hating shower, too cold before you go in, too noisy, half your body is wet and cold while the other is drenched under the shower.

Baths are soothing and relaxing. Even if she's just soaking in it that's a start, maybe run bubbles so there's soap in the water.

Take the pressure off and leave her in there as along as she wants and don't ask about whether she washed herself or to hurry up

This is crucial time where she will be seeking personal time and space

Also
Maybe introduce dry shampoo. Real handy and gets rid of the grease, maybe also treat her to a teen friendly perfume

The rest will follow!

I insist on shower or bath every night and they leave underwear in basket out side door and I send them in with clean

Friends dd struggles with this. Friend has compromised on big wet wipes and gets he dd to do her pits and groin every morning and helps her apply deoderant.

As others have said, you really have to emphasise how much grief she'll get at school for being the smelly girl. And it'll be really hard to shake off that label once she's got it. Any comments from her peers will be far more embarrassing than any comments she gets at home.

I have boys and used to do a check with they got out of the shower if they had washed properly so towel around waist. Basically smell hair (we use distinct shampoo) and checked for grease and check bo on armpits. Not pleasant for anyone but few times and they got the message to do a proper job first time.

I'm assuming she has a poof or something similar to wash with?

I would stand back on this, especially as she is your SD. Give it a couple of years and you will be fighting to get into the bathroom as she titivates!

if she were an adult, I’d say these were signs of depression or anxiety. I dont have kids so I don’t know if all teens go through this phase (I didn’t).

I was the DD in this position, DM left for affair partner, I was left to fend alone. I didn’t know that I smelled bad. Please spend loads of time with her, soap is best, in armpits, feet and face. Groin hot water or mix bath and showers. Hair - get a cut by telling her that it will grow faster with a trim. Make it fun, music with shower, treats with a hair dry, bath - bath bomb- pod cast - candle.

Absolutely. OP, I might get her assessed. Knowing now will make things easier to handle later.

It's not different for girls. Me and my sister were grotbag soap dodgers, and when our daughters hit their teens, so were they!

Edit: my sister and her Dd are diagnosed ND, I mask much better so undiagnosed but highly likely i'm ND too. My DD has seemed NT but introverted thus far....fyi

I remember being that age and shampooing my very long hair, and then not thoroughly rinsing the conditioner out, so my hair looked greasy quickly. I didn't realise it until one of my friend's mom's suggested it after I asked her about it. My mom was chronically ill and my dad was working a lot, so I was pretty much taking care of myself. There were no chats from what I recall about hygeine, periods, boys, dates, clothing, anything really, only criticism if I did something wrong.

Your SD not having biomom present much is probably affecting her too. I might really stress the being bullied at school element...basically wash yourself to protect yourself. Does your SD have a hobby or sport, or anything in which she excels? That helps self esteem.

Also are you absolutely sure she isn't high masking ND? This is the first thing that came to mind when I was reading your post. If your SD is doing OK at school, she can fly under the radar by masking all day, come home, and then just let out all that anxiety...it can manifest by not wanting to wash or not liking the feeling of water on her.

It's not uncommon for sensory needs/ND to present as girls age up. It becomes harder to mask, or the demands on them change and therefore new stuff becomes problematic or makes it more clear.

I agree. He's letting her down. Parenting is just as much about doing the tough stuff that makes you unpopular with your kids as it is about being supportive and kind and their friend. If they like you all of the time you are doing it wrong.

She needs to be told and if he won't tell her then someone else who doesn't care about her feelings is going to, and it won't be pretty. Are you able to gently step in and offer some tough love and encouragement OP? Woman to girl? Perhaps your partner is squeamish about tackling stuff he feels a mother should be doing, if it relates to her starting puberty?

How is his housekeeping? Does she just smell of unwashed sweaty body, or is it more deep-seated than that? Is he doing her laundry frequently enough? Does she always have clean clothes and underwear when she needs them? Does she have her bedlinen changed regularly and are her pillows ready or mattress ready for the bin? Does he make sure her room is regularly aired, cleaned and tidied? There are two types of smelly person in my experience. There is BO from a sweaty unwashed body then there is that general stench of neglect and decay that seeps into everything about a person. It's hard to describe or define, but you know it when you smell it. Every teacher will be familiar with that smell and it usually affects an entire family rather than one stubborn child who isn't fond of showers. Could your DP be doing more to help her by staying on top of the housekeeping and laundry? It may not be all her fault.

Does this child have any sensory issues or behavioural/defiance issues?

She'll be starting her periods soon so this really needs addressing now.

Has she had the changing bodies book?

A little day out together maybe? Lunch somewhere nice then a browse around the shops after, to include Lush who do some fun bath bits that might tempt her to spend a bit more time in the shower? Good luck OP. I was like this at her age and probably still would be if left to my own devices, but I’m neurodivergent and think it’s not uncommon for ‘us lot’.

I'm not sure it will resolve itself tbh.

SD is 15 and has to be instructed to shower and even then will avoid it if she thinks she can get away with it. Getting her to shower or bathe three times in a week involves quite a bit of negotiation. Same for brushing her teeth and changing her clothes.

Honestly, if we left her to it, I'm very sure she would happily go at least a week and maybe longer in the same clothes (including sleeping) not washing at all.

I wish we'd come down on her a lot harder at 10 tbh instead of thinking it would get better.

It’s not different for girls.

Hygiene is hygiene. Is her father filthy too?