DH and DSD(10)'s hygiene

Are her clothes being washed well enough and frequently enough, and dried and aired properly? Clothes that are put away slightly damp soon smell revolting.

Hrft, but is there any sign of self harming, I've been surprised a few times (in my work) when young people roll up their sleeves and show me awful self harm marks.

Even the self neglect could be considered self harm I guess.

How did the bath routine go tonight?

Less smelly? More ok.. tiny steps can help and you have half term now to build this up a bit for her too

It's weird that she will get in the shower but not actually wash herself. I can see her refusing to get in at all but this is definitely weird and something to be concerned about.

Once she starts her periods she will really really have to get on top of this. Hopefully she will have changed her attitude by then.

I used to work with a really smelly co-worker and we could all tell when she had her period as she literally stank like rotting meat.

I managed the roster and worked it so I avoided her in the summer months as we all had to work in close proximity and I used to go home smelling of her BO in the ordinary run of things anyway.

Another thing that helped with the hair washing was one of the turbans that have a button and keep the hair from dripping down the back.

Showering and the sensory issues my daughter was having was the first time I pinged that ND might be involved. The towels were too scratchy, the shower gel was sticky, the water dripped down her back, she got too cold.

@LemonExpert Can you assign weekly shampoo-days? Days when she needs to properly shampoo her hair and come out hair smelling nice and clean? You could give her a reward afterwards, so she associates shampooing with something nice? Like more screen time after bath or a nice dessert?
I do this with my ds. Its usually saturdays and Wednesdays. He showers every day, but shampoo-days are twice a week.

Gosh I literally tell mine they smell and will be greasy and spotty so go get sorted. I always tell them it’s better for me to tell them than someone at school. A few years of this and they shower more than me now! 😂

You use words like confronted, told she smalls, there is being honest and being too honest. Sometimes these things need to be subtle especially if she’s getting upset.

What are her interests? I ask because I know a lot of 10yo girls rightly or wrongly are obsessed with skincare, make up products. I have 10 & 12 yo DDs who fit this category and they lecture me on cleanliness, hygiene and know the science behind a lot of this because they follow so much of it. If we go shopping they want to go to Boots & Superdrug, at Christmas we took them to a shopping centre with a Sephora & SpaceNK where they spent their own money on perfumes, shower gels, toiletries and makeup. It was all stuff I think is overpriced but it’s what they wanted to spend their money on.

i have 3 girls, one with greasy hair, it wasn’t until she started high school it bothered her. Finding the right shampoo is key to tackling the grease and you could add to tackling the smell with a nice dry shampoo. I found just talking about this regularly helped. Also maybe a leave in conditioner spray might help.

A random thing that might help that my dd must have listed to me even if she acted if I was utterly ridiculous for suggesting it, is baby powder. I told her I sometimes use it if I don’t have dry shampoo, it helps with the grease. You could also get her to apply it to her body. My DF never ever wore deodorant, he was very physically active and never smelt, he only ever used talc in his youth and baby powder when talc was banned in products.

All my DDs have gone through non knicker changing phases, yes I’ve been brutally honest about the smell at times but then also used the medical side, they will get infections if they keep wearing dirty knickers, think about your wee drips and poo splashbacks… thinks like that have been said.

I have a massive range of products in my bathroom, far more than needed, each dd has her own shampoo to suit her hair type, they have had input when choosing shampoos. I have various shower gels they can help themselves to, shower body buffers, a collection of bath bombs, only 1 dd uses these as the other 2 can’t, this is my 10yo who will randomly just run herself a bath.

I regularly tell my DDs that cutting the split ends will help their hair grow, it tends to fall on deaf ears but I’ve gone and now made them an appointment they have no choice but to attend as it’s the first in a year.

Other people, especially people they respect, I regularly incorporate the help of others, especially if my DDs like them, they will drop hints and suggest things to my DDs who will listen, but won’t listen to me.

Maybe a few subtle shopping trips, no intention of going to boots or anything like that but you pop in and randomly pick stuff up and say o I saw a video the other day that (insert name of celeb DSD likes) loves this stuff, I might try it what do you think. O ( insert school friends name) mum was saying she’s been begging for this stuff, here what do you think? It’s a lot of money… see if she wants it because she thinks it’s out of bounds. Pretend you’re getting things for you but leave them the bathroom for dd to use.

Just because dd was shown how to wash hair when she was younger dosnt mean she’s doing it right, I’ve had to go over it with mine a few times especially with long hair. Make an odd suggestion, o DSD I heard if you wash condition then just re wash your roots that helps your hair nit get too greasy, I’ve bought you a new mask, it’s to help your hair feel soft and grow batter but it has to be applied before you shower and washed out probably, it’s recommended an adult help, why don’t you chuck a costume on and I can help with it.

I agree with you, I think it is slightly different for girls. Boys and girls will both smell of BO once they hit puberty, but after puberty girls tend to develop a fishy/unpleasant smell if they don't wash down below and change their underwear daily. She might just need showing how to wash, perhaps she thinks that as long as she gets wet its fine. There also needs to be some tough love, washing all over properly shouldn't be negotiable. You don't want to wait until other children start to be unkind before you address the issue, especially once she starts secondary school. Names and labels tend to stick, even she later cleans up her act.

I went to a pretty nice primary school where the kids were pretty accepting and kind. We had a few kids who were probably autistic and literally growled and barked, they didn’t get bullied, I didn’t get bullied for being specky, the only person who did get bullied was the stinky girl. And it was brutal. So you’re doing the right thing.

First things first, make sure she knows how to wash herself. I distinctly remember basically getting taught how to properly wash, shower and dry by my mum. Step by step, as if she was explaining it to an alien. You’re not her mum so this maybe a little trickier, but it’s important she knows how.

Secondly, I think you maybe need a bit of tough love. You’ve tried being nice and it’s better coming from you than her peers, who will most likely be brutal.

I also remember being spanked on the bottom by a coach every time I did a vault to encourage me to jump higher to avoid his hand. F**KING PERV 😡

I so agree with not removing hair at her age. Wouldn't want her to get a 'thing' about body hair as it's perfectly natural and her choice to remove it if she wants to.

I used to be very much into gymnastics at her age & remember under-arm hair being a big thing. Looking back, we wore leotards with long sleeves so what was the issue? But this was 1970's & people had a different perspective. I also remember certain coaches were rather 'handy' touching our bums, commenting on whether we should be wearing bras, shaving under our arms &, looking back, rather pervy.

I don’t think she needs to remove hair at 10.
It’s important she washes, that’s all.

Can you literally show her/remind her how to wash in the shower? Stand there and mime it and she copies before she undresses so she doesn’t have the embarrassment factor. Don’t be too serious about it!

My dc prefers to bath and use a flannel so she doesn’t have to actually touch anything. She struggled and resisted washing for a long time but she is in better habits now.

Can for some women. Characteristic yeasty /slightly musty smell. I've had it described as a bit metallic by some women. It smells less than BV/some other vaginal infections though.

OP, this would be flagged up in school as a possible sign of sexual abuse. Have you checked in with her? Has she been hurt or frightened in some way? It can be a reaction to unwanted sexual attention: basically trying to ward off people. Can you pinpoint when it started?

Would dh take her swimming on a Sunday? Then they can shower at pool and wash hair?

Thrush doesn't smell

I'd remove dirty undies & replace with clean ones.

I do remember in the 1970's my mother standing at the twin-tub washing machine shouting that she only had 4 school blouses from me & where was the 5th? I'd remember that I had PE last session in Friday &, in my rush to get the school bus home, went home in my PE kit & left my school blouse hanging on the peg in PE changing rooms. I would then dig out an old one just to placate my mother. She would 'call me out' & accuse me of placating the 'Goddess of Dirty Washing' 😂

PS I used to avoid showering after PE by saying that I was on my period because I didn't want to get naked in front of other pubescent children. Trouble is my mother was a teacher & had taught my PE teacher in Reception Infant School so I was found out eventually. 😕😂

This doesn't surprise me. I started aged 10 and that was years ago. Lots of my friends did too.

I agree that it's imperative to say that being clean is a key part of being an adult, especially as growing up means more sweat and greater chances of smelling.

When I.hit puberty, I had the misfortune of being the one who had horrendous stinky BO. I literally can't go a day without a proper scrub of my armpits with an actual bar of soap, and a clean flannel and of course effective antiperspirant.

After a lot of trial and error, the only effective one for me is Mitchum roll-on. Nothing else is any good. I've thought about that one people recommend which is a natural one, used by the West End stage show dancers etc but it's bloody expensive (£27 a bottle!) which i can't justify not knowing if it will be any good.

Unfortunately for some of us poor smelly ones, even our flannels stink literally after using them, so it really is a case of getting rid of all the bacteria every day religiously. I remember to my horror one day in sixth form when I stunk in art lessons after wearing a very tight fitting top under my armpits, and a girl on my table kept saying in a passive aggressive way that the smell made her feel sick. 😳😬 Every since then, I've been diligently making sure I wear looser tops and wash my pits daily. Teenagers can be very unkind at times.

Does she smell because she has undiagnosed thrush? Is she embarrassed to tell someone that she's itchy/sore. Often a child with sore labia might avoid washing as it stings.

If not thrush, I would consider getting her a bath puff to make it easier to clean her external genitals and maybe a exfoliating glove for the rest of her body. This might help her feel more grown up. She needs a detailed conversation about how women/girls need to clean the inner as well as outer genitals to avoid thrush/getting smelly.

How about suggesting baths and getting her some special bubble bath,bath bombs etc …make it a treat .

At ten, a girl really needs a female rôle model; probably more now than at any other time in her life. She obviously trusts you and, as her birth mother is not really in the picture, she is looking to you. I think it would be a good idea to have a a general chat with her about growing up and the extra responsibilities that entails. You can make it very clear to her that her hormones will make her sweatier and the hair that is starting to grow in new areas will add to this, which is why good hygiene is more important now than ever before. She needs a daily bath or shower and deodorant is non-negotiable. It may well be that she might still need help with hair washing, though. Tooth brushing twice a day is another non-negotiable. Again, you can spell out why this is so. I would also be open about periods and the fact that she will need to be even more vigilant about hygiene at those times. Even if she has not started her periods yet, it will probably happen in the next year or so and I would have some pads ready for her. In the same way, she will need advice when it comes to buying her first bra. The fact that her body is starting to give out strong odours is a sign that puberty has has started. I think she will find it easier to talk to you as a woman about these topics rather than her father.