to ask for help before I go back to ex husband?

OP you say in the quote above that, 'I have done this with DS many times - unfortunately it all reverts back every time he sees his dad upset which I feel I have no control over', you DO have control!! As soon as your DS starts, you just say to him 'DS, we've discussed this before, and I am now at my limit. I have told you many times that you Father and I will NOT be getting back together, and I mean it. So please do NOT bring it up again! Then the next time he brings it up, say 'I've told you before, that this is NOT going to happen', and then change the subject with something like, 'now, what do you fancy for tea tonight?' OR 'I was thinking of going to (name a place) on holiday this year/next year, what do you think?' If he refuses to engage, then tell him that he knows your position on this, and as he doesn't seem to be listening, he should go to his room, until he can think of something else to talk to you about, as enough is ENOUGH!

You really DO have to shut him down on this OP! Stop letting HIM control the narrative, YOU are the parent here, and you need to parent him, and while I know you feel guilty about breaking up the family, allowing your DS to carry on like this is just dragging it all out for everyone. Get yourself some backbone, and be firm with him, it will be good for BOTH of you!

You’ve told him this?

Your son should understand that his father is being emotionally abusive and unfair by using him this way. He should understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and why mirroring it, also makes his own actions unfair.

Your son is old enough for proper conversations, and to be told that you’re a person who deserves happiness and his father doesn’t make you happy. Expecting you to go back to make him or his father happy is unfair of him. It sounds as though you’ve been placating, not asserting boundaries.

Similarly, it doesn’t sound like you’ve lost your shit, asked your DH what he’s playing at and categorically stated that you do not and will never again want to be with him, so to STOP. There seems to be a lot of guilt, tears and handwringing. This is what you need to stop. I say this with kindness, but you’re coming across as a woman who has been conditioned to appease.

Also, you seem to be framing this as either ‘go back to husband’ or ‘be with new man’. You can (and probably should) just be single for a while. Your (literal and metaphorical) proximity to a man should not define you to the extent it currently seems to. You are an adult with agency and should be focussing on building a rich full life for yourself as an individual. Why aren’t you doing that?

I feel family counselling would be useful for yourself and your two children. Your son should understand that his father is being emotionally abusive and unfair by using him this way. He should understand that this behaviour is unacceptable and why mirroring it, also makes his own actions unfair.

If things become completely unworkable, I would be moving DS in with his father.

You can talk to your son, as has been suggested on this thread.

You can tell your ex that you never want to get back together with him, and that he’s being a shit father, his behaviour is negatively impacting your son and he needs to pull himself together and act like a fucking parent.

Assert yourself, draw your boundaries. Stop doing…what you’re currently doing.

And this too.

Who wins if you crack under the whining of father and son?

It certainly won't be you and your daughter!

Did you say your son is 15? In two or three years time he will be an adult and probably off to uni. You have to think of yourself.

Loneliness and parenting struggling teens are hard.

Returning to your ex or continuing giving time and energy to a new man many miles away won’t help with either of those things.

As other posters have said OP, be the adult and tell your son to pack it in. Tell him clearly and firmly that you are not going to get back with his father, however much he moans and cries and makes a fuss, so it's time to get himself together and accept that this is life, and life isn't always the way we'd like it to be.

I realise that breaking up a family is hard OP, but I do think you're being a bit daft if you allow your son to manipulate you like this, and why should he get his own way when it will make both you and your daughter unhappy?

Yes and I would further add that I expect DH would be aghast if DS actually came to live with him. What he wants is to move back in with you, DS & DD - not for DS to live with him without you there to do all the grunt parenting

Agree with this.

What type of learned toxic behaviour is your son victim of?
What has he been taught by this marriage?
Whining endlessly will grind someone down.
Tell him pack it in.
Tell him he can stay with his father if he is that confused.

And how are you reacting to this? What are you telling him?

This is a separate issue. The answer is not to get back together. Your son is old enough to be told to pack it in by now, quite frankly, having read all your posts.

Remember talk is cheap. He can promise the world but he’s had years to show you and DC with his actions and he didn’t. In fact his continued emotional manipulation of DS shows exactly who he is

DS is upset but he’s a child and you are the adult. He simply doesn’t understand the complexity of adult relationships

As your son is also suspected ND, you might have to be brutally honest so he understands. Being gentle might be giving him false hope whereas a straight answer might help him start considering accepting things. Don’t give into events like Christmas as that’s giving him false hope and delaying the day that he will accept his parents being with other partners.
His sad feelings are valid but this isn’t something that can or should be “fixed” with a reconciliation. Write a private email to yourself to remind you why you broke up. Remind yourself of the loneliness and bad times and read this when you’re wavering. There’s solid reasons why things didn’t work out and while going back may seem like the solution to his unhappiness, it will create new problems (possibly with dd as well?)

If you’d been confiding in dd or she’d been begging you to take him back then it would be equally unacceptable.
Your son is old enough to know that begging and manipulation doesn’t work with you (didn’t you go through that lesson when he was in primary school ?) and that guilt trips are not kind/loving behaviour. If he’d been begging his dad to win you back then that’s also not ok. If his dad asked him to nag you then that’s even worse. Life is not like a movie where forcing the parents together makes them reconcile. Ask him how he’d feel if you interfered in his friendships and relationships and didn’t accept his decisions on who to have in his life ?

Your son needs to learn in no uncertain terms, thet women and girls may NOT be manipulated into decisions by men and boys. Tell him he is harassing you, and his father is being abusive by laying it on thick.

Your own male child getting angry at you because you won't take this man back, is obscene.

Your ex is in his head, he's being used as a flying monkey. There's a reason he's still at his parents. He's waiting you out and it's working.

Can you not see how manipulative it is? He's using his child to make you take him back. There are no concerns for you at all.

Get mad at him.

Your daughter asked why it took so long. Listen to her.

Doesn't sound like your ex has learned anything from the separation and simply wants to resume the status quo because it's convenient for him and doesn't want to live with his folks anymore.

You'll end up back in an unhappy relationship with the same issues as before.

Being neurodivergent doesn't give someone an excuse to behave badly towards someone.You can have ASD and still be an arsehole.