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Original poster

To feel upset I won’t be invited to his parents 60th?

184 replies

PrueD · 14/02/2025 00:51

I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and I’ve never met his parents. His parents know all about me and he chats to them when I’m there etc but they live in another country in Europe, so he doesn’t see them often.

About 8 months in, he told me they had said I’m welcome to visit any time. I’m now at a point where I know so much about them but we haven’t met. He is also divorced for 5 years.

Now he tells me he and his brother are planning a 60th party for his parents this summer. And tells me we can go on holiday together the next month - I’m basically not invited and I feel hurt.

for all intents and purposes this is a serious relationship and he even spent part of Christmas with my family and see them
a lot. I feel this is just too long to wait.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 10:35

Beetrooty · 14/02/2025 09:56

I would want to be invited. Can you learn some of their language to show your meeting them halfway so to speak?

I don’t think there’s any way I could learn it to a decent level in a few months. He himself admits it’s a difficult language.I do intend to learn more than the basics soon.

he told me they are basically fluent in English previously. May not be the case for all relatives but yeah.

OP posts:
RubyRedBow · 14/02/2025 10:28

They live in another country so you would have more than enough time to arrive before the party and meet them in private. It’s not like they live around the corner and you’d have to walk into a room full of people.

OneShoeShort · 14/02/2025 10:14

OP I think you really do just need to have a conversation with your bf and ask him.

But I will say that I met my now DH’s parents and siblings early on and spent regular time with his family for well over a year before he met my dad and stepmother or siblings. That gap had absolutely nothing to do with me not feeling the same about him as he did me or me not being invested in the relationship. It was because my relationship with my parents was very different than his relationship with his parents and the distance (my family is in the US, his are in the UK like us) really exacerbated that. I went to boarding school as a teen then moved to the UK at 18 so my parents stopped being part of my everyday life early on, and that added on to some tough parts of our relationship to make me anxious about the idea of bringing anyone home. And the distance meant that we couldn’t just meet up with them for lunch or similar - we had to travel to another country and stay with them for multiple days, so it was automatically this big meaningful thing to everyone and (even worse) if it didn’t go well or if I was just a stressed out mess it was going to be this prolonged horror with no easy way to end it early. At the same time it didn’t feel as urgent because my parents were so separate from my life in the UK; it didn’t feel like this weird thing for them not to have met my boyfriend after a year or two because they also hadn’t met anyone else in my day-to-day life or seen the places I spent my time and lived.

I would never have chosen a milestone party for my parents (especially one I was responsible for throwing) as the occasion to make that leap. It would have just been piling stress on stress. And then my bf meeting my extended family was an entire additional anxiety because they’re a lot in every sense of the word, and of course the two couldn’t be done at the same time by bringing him to a family function because my parents would be unhappy and embarrassed to show up at a family function and not know the boyfriend I had brought.

Maybe none of that applies to your bf, but maybe some does. Families are so complicated and varied that it can be hard to understand how others will feel about things like this.

Beetrooty · 14/02/2025 09:56

I would want to be invited. Can you learn some of their language to show your meeting them halfway so to speak?

LizzieW1969 · 14/02/2025 09:52

FWIW, I agree that you should have mentioned them before now, in which case it wouldn’t have been awkward for you to attend the party.

LizzieW1969 · 14/02/2025 09:51

It isn’t an anniversary party! The OP has said that it’s a joint 60th birthday party. It’s hardly likely they will be old enough to have been married for 60 years!!

Notgivenuphope · 14/02/2025 09:42

Emptyflames · 14/02/2025 09:37

Some people don't want to introduce their family for many reasons. Not all about the op, he may be worried that his family will scare her off?

Show quote history

Grand. But he needs to be honest and say that

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 09:42

Stop trying to second guess his reasons and just ask him straight out why you're not invited! It's not hard - you just have to have a conversation with him.

pimplebum · 14/02/2025 09:41

Why on earth can’t you say where’s my invite ?
you are not a dirty secret , divorce us sorted , no kids

what is wrong with women that were too scared to ask for what we want

who cares if language is a barrier ? Quickly learn please to meet you and my name is ., I am xx girlfriend… lovely to see you
I am learning xxx

honestly if he doesn’t use this as a perfect opportunity to introduce you I’d be questioning his commitment

nationalsausagefund · 14/02/2025 09:37

I met DP’s parents for the first time at their wedding anniversary party! The timing made sense, they wouldn’t have dreamed of not inviting their son’s girlfriend, it took the pressure off because it was a party about them rather than “Let’s interrogate the new girlfriend”. Everyone in festive mode and as I knew the least people, they were able to celebrate and enjoy their party while I made myself busy ferrying food from oven to buffet, topping up drinks, helping to clear up. All the mucking in fast-forwarded the comfortable factor.

No language barrier, though: is your partner worried he’ll have to babysit you?

Wexone · 14/02/2025 09:37

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2025 03:47

His parent’s 60th wedding anniversary party is hardly the place to introduce a girlfriend.

unless the two of you can make a trip to visit before the party, you really don’t need to attend this event. You haven’t been there for any of the 60 years they will be celebrating, you would just be stepping in on that day. His parents must be in their 80s. This isn’t a more the merrier kind of celebration. It’s for people who mean something to them.

Why ? i was officially introduced at my in laws 40th wedding anniversary
I get there is more to this with the op but being introduced at a party or celebration is not wrong. Due to distance we often dont meet family members new partners until we are at family celebrations like weddings or parties

Emptyflames · 14/02/2025 09:37

Notgivenuphope · 14/02/2025 00:55

I would not stand for this OP. I would say ok so when will be be flying out then? And let him explain to you why you’re excluded.

Some people don't want to introduce their family for many reasons. Not all about the op, he may be worried that his family will scare her off?

Cyclebabble · 14/02/2025 09:35

I would be asking to go and see his parents privately first rather than at a big party. I think I would see how that goes before considering if you should attend. Personally I can see that a big party like this feels like you are on show and the priority should be the parents rather than you. I think I would give the party itself a miss.

BIossomtoes · 14/02/2025 09:31

PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:26

Also his brother’s girlfriend who lives locally will be there and she speaks perfect English. I understand the why but eventually you start to feel like the only excluded one.

Of course she will, presumably she spends time with the parents on a regular basis. She’s not meeting them for the first time. I wonder how long she and the brother have been together?

Tourmalines · 14/02/2025 09:31

Rosscameasdoody · 14/02/2025 09:22

OP do you think it’s linked to the fact that he’s divorced in any way ? Perhaps he feels he needs more time before introducing you, so that his family appreciate that this is a serious relationship. Has he had other GF’s since his divorce ?

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Surly 1 year and 3 months is long enough?

HonoraBridge · 14/02/2025 09:28

This is understandably upsetting you, OP. You need to speak with him about it.

Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:26

Also his brother’s girlfriend who lives locally will be there and she speaks perfect English. I understand the why but eventually you start to feel like the only excluded one.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:24

@Rosscameasdoody i think it might be. His ex wife was involved in all his family events. I do wonder how much time he needs. I suppose I need to ask!

but really, his parents want to meet me and I want them. I could see him overthinking this.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 14/02/2025 09:22

PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:03

Also I broached meeting them once before, and I said I’d like to meet them.

@Honeyroar just to say, he won’t see his parents before then either due to the nature of his job. He only sees them once or twice a year.

I just want some reassurance that the relationship is as serious as it seems to be and obviously I’m really keen to meet these people I know are precious to him.

OP do you think it’s linked to the fact that he’s divorced in any way ? Perhaps he feels he needs more time before introducing you, so that his family appreciate that this is a serious relationship. Has he had other GF’s since his divorce ?

Brainstem · 14/02/2025 09:21

PrueD · 14/02/2025 08:53

I see people’s point of view that he might feel the need to babysit me at the party.

I also think if I’d met them before now that wouldn’t need to be the case!

so maybe this conversation needs to be about meeting them in general. I want to ensure we’re on the same page.

Edited

I understand that, but you seem to be comparing apples and oranges. You and he see your parents all the time because you’re geographically close— if he only sees his once or twice a year, and they’re in a different country, it’s a completely different situation. In a similar situation, I certainly wouldn’t mean I wasn’t serious about you if I didn’t haul you to another country to meet my parents after 15 months, and I’ll be honest, if there’s a language barrier, I wouldn’t want to introduce you at a special family occasion where I had to be by your side as interpreter. I always get stuck with this role at family occasions involving married friends whose families don’t share a language, and it can be difficult to juggle it with enjoyment!

Rosscameasdoody · 14/02/2025 09:18

Honeyroar · 14/02/2025 09:01

For all the people saying a party is not the right place to meet his parents and she shouldn’t go - the party is not until summer. He has plenty of time to introduce her to them now and let them get to know each other before then, it’s strange to say you’re serious about someone but not introduce them to any family after 15 months. I’d find that rude and possibly a red flag.

Given that his family live in his home country it’s going to be a bit more difficult for OP to do this though, so not really a red flag. Unless they’re comfortably off travel costs are going to be a factor, depending on the location. It’s not like you can just nip up the road for a cuppa !!

Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:18

@Mirabai i hope this isn’t the case.

for me it would be ridiculous to get to our two year anniversary later this year and still not have met.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 14/02/2025 09:10

Honeyroar · 14/02/2025 09:01

For all the people saying a party is not the right place to meet his parents and she shouldn’t go - the party is not until summer. He has plenty of time to introduce her to them now and let them get to know each other before then, it’s strange to say you’re serious about someone but not introduce them to any family after 15 months. I’d find that rude and possibly a red flag.

Quite. They could arrive the day before if necessary.

I’m afraid it does raise flags after this amount of time. An old friend whose partner wouldn’t introduce her to his parents - delayed and delayed - became clear he hadn’t introduced her because he wasn’t sure about her. Fell apart in the end.

Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:03

Also I broached meeting them once before, and I said I’d like to meet them.

@Honeyroar just to say, he won’t see his parents before then either due to the nature of his job. He only sees them once or twice a year.

I just want some reassurance that the relationship is as serious as it seems to be and obviously I’m really keen to meet these people I know are precious to him.

OP posts:
RaisinRainbow · 14/02/2025 09:03

I understand OP's concerns. I would expect to be invited to the shindig, it would be an ideal time to be introduced to all the fam, not just the parents, in a low key way, when she is dressed up and everyone is in a happy place.

There may be reasons why DP has not yet invited her, and if this is a serious relationship, I think it would important to broach this with him.