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Original poster

To feel upset I won’t be invited to his parents 60th?

184 replies

PrueD · 14/02/2025 00:51

I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and I’ve never met his parents. His parents know all about me and he chats to them when I’m there etc but they live in another country in Europe, so he doesn’t see them often.

About 8 months in, he told me they had said I’m welcome to visit any time. I’m now at a point where I know so much about them but we haven’t met. He is also divorced for 5 years.

Now he tells me he and his brother are planning a 60th party for his parents this summer. And tells me we can go on holiday together the next month - I’m basically not invited and I feel hurt.

for all intents and purposes this is a serious relationship and he even spent part of Christmas with my family and see them
a lot. I feel this is just too long to wait.

OP posts:
Loveperiod · 16/02/2025 07:30

Why don’t ppl just communicate their thoughts sharing same bed but don’t talk. Come out and ask point blank gently but ask. This is why marriages/relationships don’t last ppl don’t start right and breed an environment u cannot be yourself

Tourmalines · 15/02/2025 21:10

And people are still calling it a wedding anniversary! 🤷

asrl78 · 15/02/2025 20:19

Lyannaa · 14/02/2025 06:39

There are always people on Mumsnet who like to disagree for the sake of it.

A bit harsh, people will always have different opinions.

I can see both sides but personally I think it is a bit strange to feel entitled to be invited to a notable wedding anniversary of people you've never met in person. Despite the way things have gone since the pandemic, I don't believe remote communication is a complete substitution for F2F interaction, so I don't think X years of remote interaction means a lot. Being in a relationship does not mean you are joined at the hip.

StrikeAlways · 15/02/2025 19:47

PrueD · 14/02/2025 00:59

He doesn’t have kids with his ex wife and they haven’t seen her since the divorce according to him.

I did think that maybe a concern is language barrier at a family party. He said his parents speak decent English but I’m not sure about everyone else.

how do I raise this without saying ‘where’s my invite!?’. We have agreed we are a serious item and seem to be heading that way. Tomorrow my parents are taking us both for dinner and to the theatre. I actually find it quite rude.

Edited

Just ask the question! If it’s difficult to do that, your relationship is lacking!

SparklyLeader · 15/02/2025 19:09

You are not being unreasonable if you were in a serious relationship. However, you are not in a serious relationship.

Pay attention because this is important:
HE DOES NOT WANT TO ANNOUNCE HE IS WITH YOU.

And not just to his parents, but also not to his brother, and not to every single one of their relatives, friends and the neighbors nor anybody else he grew up around.

There is not a serious relationship if only one person thinks it's serious. It makes you the delusional partner. I suspect you can do (much) better than this guy.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/02/2025 18:48

Snoken · 14/02/2025 14:35

Well that's quite a leap, and not a very nice one! I had a very small wedding, no colour themes and I definitely don't want to be the centre of attention at every opportunity. That's not what it's about.

However, as a person who has lived abroad for most of my adult life and only seen my family once or twice a year I can see that a rare and big family get-together that I am hosting isn't the best time to introduce a new partner who doesn't speak the language. Selfishly I would want to spend that time having quality time with my extended family, speaking my native language for once and not worry about the new partner enjoying themself or having anyone they can talk to. He has already said they can go together the following month and spend time with the family, I don't see why that is so horrible of him. It will be a much calmer setting.

Show quote history

Agree. Regardless of the occasion, I think if the gathering is going to be family and friends who have known each other for a long time and are comfortable with each other, introducing a gf who no one has met would change the dynamic, and result in a bit of a change in focus.

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2025 21:49

Have the conversation, explain the contrast with how you’ve behaved- say think about how my parents took both of us out this weekend. Can you imagine a scenario, even if they lived in another country, where you weren’t invited to their 60th? I feel like there are double standards here, and I’ve been committing to a relationship that actually isn’t committing the same way back, which is giving me doubts about the whole thing and is quite upsetting.

PassingStranger · 14/02/2025 20:37

Be careful what you wish for OP.
You might end up wishing you'd never met them.

Original poster
PrueD · 14/02/2025 20:37

I will have a conversation with him about it. He just brought it up last night when I was shattered after a long week. Wasn’t in the best mindset to tackle it.

he told me he was free from July for us to take a trip together last month, so the fact he’s still taking a trip but im not invited to it. We will definitely do something else but I want to meet his parents this year 100%

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 14/02/2025 20:32

I agree with those saying a party for the parents isn't the ideal time - how serious is the relationship if you can't have a conversation about it?

Gettingslimmer · 14/02/2025 20:30

Couple of points come to me.

how serious can it be when you can’t communicate with each other . Him not explaining why you aren’t invited, and you scared to ask.

and maybe his parents don’t want the first time to meet you there, but feel that’s unlikely.

BunnyLake · 14/02/2025 20:25

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2025 15:44

It’s a birthday party? Wow. I completely change my answer. I would absolutely expect to attend a 60th birthday party, even as a new girlfriend. Completely different situation than a 60th wedding anniversary.

Strange isn’t it! I’m in my early sixties and cannot imagine being put out because my son brought his gf. So what if I hadn’t met her or even if she only spoke Klingon! This should be in the ‘only on Mumsnet’ thread.

Colacubegirl · 14/02/2025 15:51

I’ll stand by this opinion… you’re not a serious as you think if you can’t even ask your partner why you’re not invited. A serious healthy relationship should mean you’re able to speak about your feelings and question things if you don’t think they are right.

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2025 15:44

It’s a birthday party? Wow. I completely change my answer. I would absolutely expect to attend a 60th birthday party, even as a new girlfriend. Completely different situation than a 60th wedding anniversary.

Oriunda · 14/02/2025 15:16

PrueD · 14/02/2025 10:35

I don’t think there’s any way I could learn it to a decent level in a few months. He himself admits it’s a difficult language.I do intend to learn more than the basics soon.

he told me they are basically fluent in English previously. May not be the case for all relatives but yeah.

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Tbh, if you’ve been with him 15 months already, I’m surprised you’ve not already learnt a bit of his language? I started learning my DH’s language pretty much as soon as we got together; not because I was presuming we’d end up marrying, but because I was curious about his language and wanted to prepare for any potential meetings with his family. Never a bad thing to learn a new language!

I think it’s easy to misinterpret actions. His family might not be that close, so to him it’s maybe not a biggie if you’ve not met them. He could equally be thinking to himself, ‘why hasn’t PrueD learned my language; she can’t be that in to me’.

Mirabai · 14/02/2025 14:40

PrueD · 14/02/2025 09:18

@Mirabai i hope this isn’t the case.

for me it would be ridiculous to get to our two year anniversary later this year and still not have met.

So do I. I think you need to understand what’s really going on, I know she regretted not getting to the bottom of it from the start,

Snoken · 14/02/2025 14:35

UnexpectedCost · 14/02/2025 14:16

I expect the same people who are horrified at a new-ish girlfriend attending a big party, are the ones who were Bridezillas at their own weddings, who need guests to follow a colour theme! I know that I would be delighted at my 60th birthday party or indeed anniversary, to meet a new serious partner of my kids!

I have always celebrated milestone birthdays with big parties. However, that is not because the I want the attention on me. Not at all. It is entirely because I love getting the people I like, close together under one roof and having fun with them. Birthdays are just a good reason to do so!

Show quote history

Well that's quite a leap, and not a very nice one! I had a very small wedding, no colour themes and I definitely don't want to be the centre of attention at every opportunity. That's not what it's about.

However, as a person who has lived abroad for most of my adult life and only seen my family once or twice a year I can see that a rare and big family get-together that I am hosting isn't the best time to introduce a new partner who doesn't speak the language. Selfishly I would want to spend that time having quality time with my extended family, speaking my native language for once and not worry about the new partner enjoying themself or having anyone they can talk to. He has already said they can go together the following month and spend time with the family, I don't see why that is so horrible of him. It will be a much calmer setting.

UnexpectedCost · 14/02/2025 14:16

OlivePeer · 14/02/2025 08:35

I really don't agree with the idea that the party has to be 100% focused on the parents. That's just not what parties are like. Some of my best memories from weddings have nothing to do with the bride and groom, and at my own parties I wasn't furious if the "focus" (what does that even mean in practical terms?) wasn't on me at all times. During this (possible) anniversary party then sure, there'll be some speeches and people will congratulate the parents, but most of a party is guests talking to/dancing with each other. It's not "An Evening With..."

I expect the same people who are horrified at a new-ish girlfriend attending a big party, are the ones who were Bridezillas at their own weddings, who need guests to follow a colour theme! I know that I would be delighted at my 60th birthday party or indeed anniversary, to meet a new serious partner of my kids!

I have always celebrated milestone birthdays with big parties. However, that is not because the I want the attention on me. Not at all. It is entirely because I love getting the people I like, close together under one roof and having fun with them. Birthdays are just a good reason to do so!

BunnyLake · 14/02/2025 13:43

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 14/02/2025 08:57

Given it is a 60th anniversary, I imagine they are in their 80's. Perhaps their health isn't great and they just don't want to meet you at this point.

Wrong. They’re a doddery 60 year’s old so can’t possibly imagine having to meet a new person (or should that be interloper) at their party.

Some really weird thought processes here. It’s a birthday party not some underground secretive cult meeting.

BunnyLake · 14/02/2025 13:35

Ponderingwindow · 14/02/2025 03:47

His parent’s 60th wedding anniversary party is hardly the place to introduce a girlfriend.

unless the two of you can make a trip to visit before the party, you really don’t need to attend this event. You haven’t been there for any of the 60 years they will be celebrating, you would just be stepping in on that day. His parents must be in their 80s. This isn’t a more the merrier kind of celebration. It’s for people who mean something to them.

I don’t really understand that. Seems a perfect time to introduce her to me. It does not mean the party will be all about OP. We all met my brother’s gf for the first time at my dad’s funeral.

And they're 60 not 80!

Maddy70 · 14/02/2025 13:33

His parents haven't invited someone they don't know to a major event. Fair enough

IdontPracticeSanteria · 14/02/2025 13:28

Huh. Just ask him. I'd be assuming I was going and asking him out booking my flight.

steff13 · 14/02/2025 12:56

Just tell him you'd like to come. I don't get the consternation.

If he says no, ask why not, and go from there.

LizzieW1969 · 14/02/2025 12:35

If it was a 60th wedding anniversary, it would be for the grandparents not the parents.

FrannyScraps · 14/02/2025 10:38

PrueD · 14/02/2025 08:50

To clarify, this is a joint 60th birthday party.

Yay!!! I was right ✅️