To feel upset I won’t be invited to his parents 60th?

This seems to be true, especially with younger Europeans. I always try to learn a bit of the local language before I visit a country but they always want to practice their English! It’s put me off going back to my French class!

If he is organising the party, then he will not be around to hold your hand because you don't speak the language and won't know anyone there. I would have hated to be in that situation the first time I meet his family! Just support him in what he is organising, and then go on holiday after the event. Don't put unnecessary pressure on you, him, his family and your relationship for something you absolutely will NOT enjoy.

HoppityBun, there is a lot to discuss and unpack in your post. Apologies to the OP for what is a bit of a derail but I would like to try to answer some of the points that you make.

Obviously none of us here know anything much about the OP's relationship other than the small amount that has been shared here. And perhaps I'm totally wrong and there is a deeper relationship issue. Only the OP and her partner can know that. I just wanted to share an experience and a perspective that I think a lot of us Brits don't consider much as we don't need to.

Of course there are geographical, historical, economcial and current reasons for why lots of Europeans, and people around the world generally, speak English and other languages. I'm surprised that you seem to think that this requires no real special effort on their part. Yes, it helps if they learnt from a young age in school / watch American films, etc but that all takes effort and will all the same.

You said:

Do they mix frequently with different language speakers? We don’t here in the UK but it’s a normal part of everyday life in many parts of Europe. Again, something your superior relatives and people you know should be grateful for.

That's just rude. It's rude about my relatives and the idea that we don't mix with different language speakers in the highly multicultural UK is simply not true. The idea that people should be "grateful" because they live or work in places that require them to make the effort to learn at least one foreign language is exactly the attitude that I was talking about in previous posts.

Do your friends and relatives who speak different languages think that someone who speaks Welsh and English is ignorant and lazy if they go to Sweden and do not speak Swedish?

I don't know. I've never asked them. So I'll answer for myself and then try to circle back to why I joined in on this thread in the first place.

It is normal in many parts of the world to speak at least 2 languages. Often they will be the official administrative language of the country and then a local / regional language or dialect. And then possibly English / Spanish / fill in relevant additional language here.

So for me someone who speaks Welsh and English is pretty much the global norm in that they speak at least 2 languages as part of their everyday life / culture. If they go on holiday to Sweden for 2 weeks it's fair enough that they probably don't know much more than "hello / goodbye / please / thank you".

If however, and now I'm trying to circle back to my original point, they were in a serious relationship with someone from Sweden and or went there regularly / socialised with Swedish in-laws, etc then I would think that they were pretty rude for not trying to learn some basic social Swedish. I would also think that they were missing out on a cultural and humane experience and probably hurting their partner's / in-laws feelings to boot. Plus, according to you, it doesn't take much effort to learn a foreign language - they just have to watch some TV and they will pick it up.

And yes, English has become the global lingua franca and Belgians and many other nationalities use it communicate with each other. But they are still making the effort to speak a 2nd language when they do so. A native English speaker is not.

We native English speakers often seem to think that it's very easy for the rest of the world to learn our language and speak it to us fluently when we are visiting their countries. And yet, it seems to be beyond difficult / an impossible demand for us to learn the basics of any other language at all...

I agree.

Is it?

I'm in France with relatives in Italy. A lot of people I know think the British attitude to languages is rather rude (and lazy).

This needs a little thinking about. Wherever UK people go, the acknowledged trope is that they’re lazy for not speaking the language of the country they’re in. Yet non native English speakers only have to learn English and they can go to many places and be understood and - aren’t they wonderful?.

My non UK friends in countries around the world started learning English when they started nursery school and speak it fluently as a result. But they’ve not had to put any special effort in and English is the only other language they speak fluently. What language would you have UK children learn that is equivalent?

I suggest that your relatives and people you know who condemn native English speakers, @Beachcomber have a think about how it is that they come to be able to speak so many foreign languages. Did they go to language classes outside their school and work, as many people do here or was it a normal part of the education system they went through? If the latter then they deserve no special commendation but instead should be grateful. Do they mix frequently with different language speakers? We don’t here in the UK but it’s a normal part of everyday life in many parts of Europe. Again, something your superior relatives and people you know should be grateful for.

Also, it’s because of the current dominance of US films that so many people speak English and most people want to learn US English not UK English- learning “truck” rather than “lorry” for example. Many people speak English with a slight American accent because they’ve picked that up from watching films. What foreign language films and foreign film stars are as ubiquitous as US ones, that provide opportunities for language learning? My foreign friends grew up watching US films because they’re regularly shown on TV. No special effort needed for that.

If you go, for example, to a Greek island holiday destination, many Greeks speak English and German, not because they are wonderfully earnest language learners but because that’s what tourists speak and they hear those languages all day and every day in the season. Go off track and you’ll find only Greek speakers.

Similarly, as another of many possible examples, go to Alsace, and you’ll hear English, French and German. Those people aren’t more open minded and hardworking than people here, they just hear those languages daily. We don’t get that here.

Many, many people in Europe do not speak English and only speak their own language. Perhaps your friends and relatives do not come across these people.

Many, many people in this country do not speak English at home and that is a language resource that has been shockingly wasted for decades, at the same time as blaming immigrants for not integrating.

If you go to Belgium, half the country cannot and will not understand the other half but, guess what? They speak English. Aren’t they wonderful. Who learns Dutch, by the way?

Do your friends and relatives who speak different languages think that someone who speaks Welsh and English is ignorant and lazy if they go to Sweden and do not speak Swedish?

I am speaking from direct experience. We have gone to a number of family events such as weddings to a country where I speak a bit of the language and my husband none, and had a great time.

Also sometimes it's just easier for locals to speak to us Brits in their very good English rather than listen to us murder their language and struggle to understand us.

We're very lucky that as a result of colonisation and the richness of the USA that so many people in the world have to speak at least a bit of English.

Oops
I thought it was a 60th wedding anniversary

But you were able to speak German, right?

It's very different if you can speak the language of a country and then locals want to practice their English with you.

It's not the same as "I don't speak the language but it will be fine because most people speak my language".

I'm in France with relatives in Italy. A lot of people I know think the British attitude to languages is rather rude (and lazy).

They're only 60!

I agree.
If he is hosting the party and the parents and their close friends are elderly it would be difficult for him to give you the time you deserve - ensuring you are comfortable and being able to mix and mingle despite the language barrier ( and possible hearing problems with the elderly ). Meeting younger relatives etc.
Ideally he should introduce you long before the party and then if you wished you could attend.

Whilst you are right that in the UK, we are very entitled and realise we don't have to bother learning other languages, I don't really buy what you're saying about being babysat just because you're an English only speaker.

For example, my experience of Germany was that I wanted to speak German all the time to improve my German but the natives wanted to speak English all the time with me because they enjoyed it. Even at a family party I went to.

I bet he doesn't expect the OPs parents to speak to him in a language that is not their own though.

You're overthinking this. I've been with DH since 2010, married since 2016. I met his dad last year for the first time, and never met his mum as she died in 2022. They weren't even in another country, just in a different city about 150 miles away. He spent loads of time with my parents, at their home and ours. I didn't feel like he wasn't committed to me because I hadn't met his parents.

I would take that to mean that he isn't treating you like a serious partnership. I would also stop him going along with you and your parents when you go out. He clearly enjoys that yet won't give you the same privilege.

If he saw his parents more than twice a year I'd be more annoyed but it sounds like he doesn't get much time with them and may want them, not you, to be the focus of his attention here.

I think you (and a lot of posters) are underestimating the language barrier.

I live in a European country and have a lot of experience of family gatherings where there is a language difference.

Even if people speak good English they might not particularly want to at a family gathering in their own country. It changes the vibe. No doubt they will kindly and politely speak to you in English if you go to this event but why should they?

It is a very British thing to just expect people to be perfectly happy to speak to you in a language that is not their own just because they can.

Anyone that you speak to will be baby sitting you. And your partner is probably very aware of that.

So IMO it is absolutely not the right occasion to introduce you. Let them enjoy their family party / special occasion in their own language and organise another time to visit where the focus is on you meeting them and it is much more reasonable to therefore expect them to speak your language.

And before then, make an attempt to learn some of their language so at the very least you can thank them for speaking English.

I'm actually quite surprised that you want to go.

What nonsense. Both my adult children introduced their new partners at big family events, precisely because they did not want the attention to be on them. And it worked very well. Come to think of it, so did my sibling and I.

OP, you need a clear conversation with your dp, and soon. He may assume you understand that you are an item and therefore tag along with him. Or it may be something else entirely. But until you actually talk about it and ask questions you will not know.

OP says it's a European country, could be somewhere like Turkey, where parts of it are very conservative. I once had a Turkish boyfriend but he would never have married me, I was definitely the UK love interest.

Really sorry OP, but it's clear he's just not that into you. Cut your losses and move on.

Very rude, I had bf who wouldn't introduce me to his dad and wouldn't even mention me.

Looking back it's not something I would tolerate now.

Op I think you need to tackle this head on. I think the reasons of baby sitting and language are absolutely nonsensical.

I've been with people who don't speak the same language and you can still communicate, smiling, actions, body language... Draw pictures if necessary but no reason not to go.

I'm afraid it would be a red line for me

YABU because you are asking MN not your partner. Relationship can’t be solid if this simple conversation can’t take place. Or you can’t even suggest a trip to see them.

with respect to the party since you don’t speak their language I think it’s sensible. He will be focussed on the arrangements and as he doesn’t go back much wants to be the doting son. Not have to act as your interpreter or chaperone you round his relatives.

seems selfish to turn this into something about you. He is doing a thing for his parents, you don’t even live together.

But you probably spoke the language. I don't think the issue is so much that the parents don't want the limelight stolen but more that the boyfriend is hosting and doesn't see his family more than once or twice a year and probably his extended family a lot less than that so he wants to be able to relax and spend quality time with them rather than translating and making sure OP has someone she can talk to in English.

See I don’t agree with this at all. I was first introduced to DP grandma at her 80th birthday party, as well as meeting many other family members for the first time. I’m also the second wife and he has kids with the first and the kids attended the party with us (ex wife was not there). I don’t think my presence detracted from her birthday in any way at all. It was lovely hearing some family speeches about her and helped me feel I knee her more.