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Original poster

Please reassure me I did the right thing here

270 replies

pleasehelpsostressed · 13/02/2025 23:20

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I?

Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 08:07

Sorry just firing off random thoughts now, but it's just occurred to me that ripping off the door isn't just a violent act, it's potentially also another way of violating DSD's right to privacy isn't it? She can't now have any privacy in her mum's home until that's fixed - he's made sure of that. That's really sinister and sits so uneasily with me. 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 08:04

I meant to add, with regard to the smashing the house up, they said no offences were committed because he's damaging his own property. So even though he ripped DSD's bedroom door off its hinges (we have the video she took of the mess in her room afterwards clearly showing the door lying on the floor and her things thrown all over), they can't arrest him for that either as criminal damage isn't an offence in your own apparently. I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me), but we can refer to SS and we will be doing what we can to safeguard DSD" etc.

DSD's mum also told them she isn't scared of him and despite his anger issues she's confident he wouldn't "lay a finger" on either of them. So it's just a nightmare tbh - seems like no one wants to take responsibility for the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 07:54

Thanks for all the helpful advice, I'm just reading through and catching up now!

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 07:54

@LaVieestBelleNestCePas
Yes he said that (well screamed it) at DSD's mother during the argument - "I'm telling you now if he steps foot in this house I'll kill him, and I'm not messing about". It can be heard clear as day on the recording DSD made. Police said it didn't meet threshold for an arrest because it was conditional upon my DH stepping foot in the house (which he purposely didn't to keep the peace, DSD came out to him instead), and it wasn't said directly to him but to a 3rd party.

OP posts:
LaVieestBelleNestCePas · 15/02/2025 03:40

pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 00:12

Yes and they've just said the threshold for an offence hasn't been met ???? wtf

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@pleasehelpsostressed that is actually incorrect as the stepfather threatened to kill theDH if he set foot in the house. The difference could be that he said this to the mum and not the DH ( intended victim). I would seek legal advice. Women’s Aid should be able to help or refer your family to a solicitor.

Fraaances · 15/02/2025 01:47

Have her stay with you permanently and formally pull the plug on the CM. See what kind of behaviours from Mum & Stepdad this incites and keep receipts.
You need to find out if anything more untoward is going on with Stepdad. His comments about makeup, clothing etc are weird and at best, controlling. I’m wondering if there’s more to this. Perhaps he’s got Andrew Tate affinities or perhaps he’s decidedly creepy towards your lovely SD.

AllyDally · 15/02/2025 00:26

I am shocked at the polices response in this, no wonder people so often say that there is no point in calling them when things happen. In this case I think you should push it with them as it involves a minor. You have done everything right in this situation, it must be so hard for you but your DSD is lucky to have you both close by to look after her.

I hope DSDs mum comes to her senses but I suspect she won't, it must be extremely difficult for her and with so many other cases she cannot see the abuse from her partner or she thinks it will be the last time. A friend of mine takes her husband back over and over again, he has put her in hospital more than once, she has had him arrested after a particularly bad beating but eventually he ends up back there. Its very distressing.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/02/2025 23:57

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/02/2025 18:09

But will they have, if they say no offence has been committed?? I really think it’s worth going back to the police and reporting it as emotional abuse of a child. Take the list of things she has reported. You could call NSPCC for advice and they can also make a referral to children’s services.

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I feel the police are minimising this. There's audio of someone threatening to kill someone, violence in the home and video evidence of that. Whilst it's potentially 'hearsay' they can't just ignore it. Not when a minor is involved.
Definitely one for the school safeguarding team, with as much information as you feel comfortable to share, including most definitely the involvement of the police.

Uberella · 14/02/2025 23:38

pleasehelpsostressed · 14/02/2025 09:18

Latest this morning, text from mum asking if she's ok followed by "I'm angry at her that the police are involved" 😡 wtf?! Put your child first fgs!! I cannot believe that response.

Unfortunately some women are willing to put penis before their children;this sadly happened to my lovely DIL and resulted in her and her sisters having to be removed from their mothers care.

mediummumma · 14/02/2025 23:23

Deadbeatex · 14/02/2025 18:40

100% you did the right thing, keep DSD with you and safe! Keep lines of communication open with mum and have at the front of your mind she is very likely in a coercive control/abusive relationship so she "has" to minimise his behaviour otherwise it's too much for her to face up to. You must have seen the multiple of threads on here from women in her position, I was one of them and it really isn't that easy to just leave when you are in the thick of it. You normalise their behaviour because it's so insidious that it creeps up slowly and does become your normal. Keep talking to her and calmly qnd kindly refuse to allow her to minimise the behaviour, she will see the truth when she's ready, hopefully soon for her DD sake.
From the outside it's so so easy to want to give her mum a shake but if it is that it's a controlling/abusive relationship and not that mum is just a deadbeat who shouldn't be allowed kids then breathe deeply and be kind and firm with your DSDs boundaries and she does NOT go home until those boundaries are in place and the stepdad is gone.
Hugs to you all including your DD for being so kind to her stepsister

Absolutely. It’s absurd to think that a man physically ripping doors off and calling his stepchild a whore isn’t also abusive to his wife/partner. This is coercive control and mum will be living in a state of chronic fear, obeying the rules set by him to avoid the consequences. She is loyal to him, dismissing and minimising his abuse, and siding with him over her daughter, which will please him and shows she’s obeying his loyalty code.

You absolutely did the right thing here. Your DSD is not safe in her mums house, neither is her mum. It’s not easy and often very dangerous for a woman to escape from this type of relationship as the man feels entitled to control her and violence escalates when he feels he is losing control.

Your DSD is fortunate to have you, DH and DD supporting her. She has escaped to the safety of your home and hopefully her mum will find the support to leave the relationship.

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 23:19

@pleasehelpsostressed I'm late to this thread OP, but I just wanted to say you absolutely did the right thing. 🤗 Your DSD's mother, on the other hand, has done the wrong thing and continues to do so. How desperate does she have to be to want an aggressive and verbally abusive man in her home? (Saying her DD looks like a "whore" and using other sexualised language around her are HUGE red flags to me!) How can she excuse and minimise his behaviour by painting her own DD as "manipulative"? How long before his violence escalates from doors to her or your DSD? This woman needs to give her damn head a wobble and remember she's a MOTHER and she needs to parent her DD appropriately.
I'm so sorry you're all going through this, but also really pleased that your DH, you and your DD are able and willing to give your DSD the support she needs and deserves - it must be a huge relief and reassurance to her. Well done OP! 🤗

Whatwouldnanado · 14/02/2025 23:07

Thank god you did what you did. Of course it was the right thing. Hopefully she will choose to stay in your peaceful home.

SnappyLineSwan1961 · 14/02/2025 23:05

You did the right thing and handled the situation really well. It must have been a shock to you all. Thankfully you both
stepped up, the situation might have been so much worse. Your step daughter can be in a safe environment and take time to recover from the shock and trauma. You probably will have more drama from the mother. Good luck.

Hdjdb42 · 14/02/2025 23:03

I'd report it to social services and let.them listen to.the recording. I'd keep her at home with you, and stop paying her mum CM.

IridiumSky · 14/02/2025 22:50

Of course you did the right thing. It was a threat to kill.

Christ on a bloody bike. The way some people live. 🤷🏻

Before I joined this site I has no idea.

Stay safe.

Dweetfidilove · 14/02/2025 22:23

You have all done the right thing. Thankfully you were close by to rescue her and the collective support you're providing is exactly what she needs.

You will need to tell her she cannot go back home whilst her stepdad remains in the home. Now she's unmasked him to everyone else, she's in even more danger.

Please also reassure her it's okay to be worried for her mother, but take some time out from contact. Her mom texting her and pleading for her to come home, having done nothing to ensure her safety, is just not acceptable.

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 22:23

BigSilly · 14/02/2025 22:16

I do not think you be telling the girl you fear for her mum's safety

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She's 15. Do you not think she realised that her mother was in danger when her stepfather was raging and smashing up the house?

BigSilly · 14/02/2025 22:16

Endofyear · 14/02/2025 00:18

You did the right thing. Can you explain to DSD that your concern for her mum's safety was the motivation to call the police? And reassure her that she won't be in trouble or held responsible because it was completely your decision? Hope it all calms down for you all tonight and you're able to get some sleep. Tomorrow you can think about her future living arrangements. Tonight she just needs to feel safe.

I do not think you be telling the girl you fear for her mum's safety

MumonabikeE5 · 14/02/2025 21:56

Your step daughter can’t return, I’d extend support to the ex wife, and encourage her to leave, and support her to do it.
so she can parent her child safely.
so she can be safe .
she might not be your friend, but you are both women.

IButtleSir · 14/02/2025 21:51

My heart is breaking for this poor little girl. Please don't let her go back there while that vile man is in the house, even if she says she wants to- it's your job as adults to protect her, even if it goes against her apparent wishes.

And to answer the thread title: yes, you absolutely did the right thing.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/02/2025 21:49

Your post really triggered me. I was right back in the emotions of having a partner like SD screaming at me and tearing the house apart. It is terrifying. Your daughter will have been traumatised by him ripping the door off like that and is probably still suffering with shock.

You absolutely did the right thing no matter what anybody else says or thinks. You, your DD's, DH and DSD all sound amazing.

JLou08 · 14/02/2025 21:48

Fenellapitstop · 14/02/2025 19:20

A referral to children's services should have been done by the attending officers. If you've had no contact you could call them Monday for advice. You can request a Clare's and Sarah's law disclosure. The information will only be passed to her mum though

I'd think Dad would get the Sarah's law disclosure to as he has a responsibility to safeguard his child so will need to know of the risks.

JLou08 · 14/02/2025 21:45

You did the right thing. No doubt about it. The mum could be at risk of imminent harm. DSD has been verbally abused and it will have a huge impact on her emotionally, this could have been going on a while and could continue in the future. I wouldn't be letting DSD back there if I was her father.

TheRealTina · 14/02/2025 21:21

Very good. Keep reporting the evil bastards until all got criminal records.

YourEagerBiscuit · 14/02/2025 21:11

This all sounds really stressful. Your dd sounds like a champ! You and your dh definitely did the right thing. Regarding the mum, she's probably annoyed the police are involved as she can't deny and minimise his behaviour as easily. I've worked with people who have experienced abuse and been through it with family. While it's hard to have sympathy because she's putting her child in danger the denial is part of coping with abuse.

But that does mean her mum won't look out for dsd best interests so you're all going to have to. This feels close to home for me as my sister's stbx is abusive and I'm very aware of how that turns on children and has long term impacts. Even just constantly having a go like he is doing can lead to anxiety and low self esteem.

I do some work with young people and depending on the area there should be some support available like some one to talk to who specialises in this, often it's play therapy for younger children. Hopefully the school can help refer into this.

Also the police saying the threshold for a crime hasn't been met. Is wild. Ffs