Please reassure me I did the right thing here

pleasehelpsostressed · 2025-02-13T23:20:36+00:00

Just had a really distressing call from DSD (15), called her dad (my DH) to say her stepfather was being verbally abusive towards her (vile things like calling her a "whore" amongst other things). She was beside herself sobbing, we couldn't properly make out what she was saying. Husband said he'd go straight over to collect her and she could stay with us. He heads over there and meanwhile an argument ensues between DSD's mother and stepdad in which DSD heard him say (about my partner) "if he steps foot in the house I'll kill him" (she's also recorded this on her phone as evidence). He has also apparently ripped a door off its hinges in the house. Husband got there and DSD managed to get out so he didn't have to go in the house. I called the police and they've gone straight over but my partner had left by the time they arrived. We are all really shaken up by it. DSD is now upset that her mum will be annoyed with her for the police being involved but I couldn't not call them, could I? Just feeling really stressed right now and seeking some reassurance that I did the right thing here.

Weezypopsy · 19/05/2025 21:01

Hi OP, I know this was a while ago but just wondering how you and your family are? I hope things have improved.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 09/03/2025 17:11

Thinking of you and your family today, and I am hoping things have calmed down for you all, especially your DSD.

Christmaschildcare · 06/03/2025 19:54

Hope you’re all ok @pleasehelpsostressed x

curtaintwitcher78 · 27/02/2025 09:39

How are you, OP?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 25/02/2025 21:42

pleasehelpsostressed · 24/02/2025 17:20

He's a friend suggested contacting our local MP re the shit police response. I may well do that when I can muster the ebergy.

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I would and I would reference all the times police have failed people, especially women and girls. https://www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/met-police-are-still-failing-victims/

Horses7 · 24/02/2025 21:02

Thank goodness she has you and her Dad. Hope all goes well for your family.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 24/02/2025 20:43

Oh op what a horrible situation!!!!! We're all here, I know we can't provide the real life support you desperately need but whenever you need to vent, we're here! And hopefully the posters with better legal knowledge than me will keep coming up with the best advice. Sending love and good wishes and hope that psychopath stays well away!!!!!!

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 24/02/2025 20:09

Thank goodness your DSD has her dad and you ❤️

HolyMoly24 · 24/02/2025 18:43

Can't believe someone can put a man like this before her own daughter.

Really hope you get some positive action taken asap OP. Stay strong

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 24/02/2025 17:20

BagelandEggs · 23/02/2025 13:50

Contact every helpful agency that you can - domestic violence, women's aid, your local councillors and MP - blow this wide open so the police don't feel they can just minimise it and do nothing until something serious happens. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and don't blame you for wanting to ensure the safety of your own kids in all of this. I hope it gets resolved soon.

He's a friend suggested contacting our local MP re the shit police response. I may well do that when I can muster the ebergy.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 24/02/2025 17:19

Still no arrest made. An email sent yesterday from the police officer dealing with it said something like, "I appreciate you're distressed however please rest assured that we are actively investigating this however I’m sure you’ll understand that live ongoing incidents and operational demand take priority." Then he informed me he was going on his days off and would contact me with an update "in a few days time" when he's back on shift. Ok thanks mate, let's hope we aren't attacked by an unhinged mad man before then 👍🏻

Oh and, mum and stepdad have fucked off for a nice little trip away, without DSD obviously, but messaging her to say they're going as they need "headspace". How lovely. THEY need headspace. Oh, ok. I thought it was my family who was threatened repeatedly with violence, but ok then. Off you fuck for your headspace you selfish bastards. Don't worry about your daughter, we'll mop up the pieces of your shit abusive parenting and be there for her.

Also, at DSD's request, because "I want you and Dad to listen in as she makes me feel so stressed and anxious", we listened to a phone call between her and her mum in which DSD was repeatedly gaslighted, talked over, threatened with more violence, and blamed for stepdads actions. As well as some pretty disgusting false accusations about me, which angered and appalled us all including DSD (I was quite touched when she text her mum afterwards to say I can't believe the disgusting comments you made about my stepmum, she's an excellent mum, etc). Bless her.

But yes, it’s utterly appalling. The whole thing. They are deeply unpleasant people and I feel so sorry for DSD that this is her mother. I do not know what to do to help anymore, I feel helpless.

OP posts:

SapphireSeptember · 24/02/2025 17:07

@pleasehelpsostressed Just seen your updates. Fucking hell. This man is a complete lunatic. Hope you're all alright and that you and your children are safe. 💐

SapphireSeptember · 24/02/2025 17:01

pleasehelpsostressed · 15/02/2025 08:04

I meant to add, with regard to the smashing the house up, they said no offences were committed because he's damaging his own property. So even though he ripped DSD's bedroom door off its hinges (we have the video she took of the mess in her room afterwards clearly showing the door lying on the floor and her things thrown all over), they can't arrest him for that either as criminal damage isn't an offence in your own apparently. I said what about domestic abuse offences? Surely you've got him on that for god sake?! The officer replied "that's not technically an arrestable offence (?! News to me), but we can refer to SS and we will be doing what we can to safeguard DSD" etc.

DSD's mum also told them she isn't scared of him and despite his anger issues she's confident he wouldn't "lay a finger" on either of them. So it's just a nightmare tbh - seems like no one wants to take responsibility for the situation.

So your DSD's things belong to him? How does that work? Destroying someone else's things is a form of domestic violence. Obviously not one that the police are taking seriously. 🙄 Your poor DSD. 💐

BagelandEggs · 23/02/2025 13:50

Contact every helpful agency that you can - domestic violence, women's aid, your local councillors and MP - blow this wide open so the police don't feel they can just minimise it and do nothing until something serious happens. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and don't blame you for wanting to ensure the safety of your own kids in all of this. I hope it gets resolved soon.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/02/2025 01:44

It's not such a daft idea to leave DH and take your dds somewhere else far away. DH and dsd could join you at a later date. Could you transfer out of area with work?

curtaintwitcher78 · 19/02/2025 19:11

pleasehelpsostressed · 19/02/2025 19:03

No police update as yet. Literally impossible to contact them via 101 as no one ever answers. Children's services equally useless - a SW closed the case today NFA.😡 DH rang and kicked up a stink and it's been reallocated to someone else. Only saving grace in all of this is my work have been absolutely fantastic with the support they've offered to me personally, in terms of the flexibility and support I need at the moment. My eldest DD was due at work today but couldn't face it due to all of this - they've also been supportive of her. Not much else to say, really. I desperately need to access some counselling as mentally I'm not in a good place, at all. I keep hearing his threats echoing around my head and I'm jumping at every car I hear outside. Just awful. Beyond awful. We are good people. Why are we caught up in this? 🙁

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Oh luv. This is an utter trauma. You are being failed by the system, but I'm so glad there are some supportive folk around you. We're all here sending you all the vibes too, but I know that won't make it any easier.

Original poster

pleasehelpsostressed · 19/02/2025 19:03

curtaintwitcher78 · 19/02/2025 15:02

Hope you're all ok, OP. If you choose to go to safety with your daughters then nobody should be criticising you. I really hope the police have pulled their fingers out by now.

No police update as yet. Literally impossible to contact them via 101 as no one ever answers. Children's services equally useless - a SW closed the case today NFA.😡 DH rang and kicked up a stink and it's been reallocated to someone else. Only saving grace in all of this is my work have been absolutely fantastic with the support they've offered to me personally, in terms of the flexibility and support I need at the moment. My eldest DD was due at work today but couldn't face it due to all of this - they've also been supportive of her. Not much else to say, really. I desperately need to access some counselling as mentally I'm not in a good place, at all. I keep hearing his threats echoing around my head and I'm jumping at every car I hear outside. Just awful. Beyond awful. We are good people. Why are we caught up in this? 🙁

OP posts:

curtaintwitcher78 · 19/02/2025 15:02

Hope you're all ok, OP. If you choose to go to safety with your daughters then nobody should be criticising you. I really hope the police have pulled their fingers out by now.

Iamnotalemming · 19/02/2025 14:55

I am so sorry this is happening to you and just wanted to send a handhold.

I second a PP suggestion to contact your MP about police forces' dismal attitude to this situation. Keep trying on the Claire's law application.

If you don't have one already, consider getting a ring doorbell or similar. That way if he turns up and does anything there will be a recording of it. Its presence alone might put him off.

Servedstoked · 19/02/2025 14:38

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BlackeyedSusan · 19/02/2025 14:35

SlightlyJaded · 14/02/2025 18:06

agree with @SofaSpuds - take the decision to go home out of DSDs hands for now. She doesn't need guilt/emotional blackmail to contend with as well.

Stepdad sounds like an abusive bully and ex wife sounds like a sadly typically fearful/in denial/broken women who is terrified of speaking the truth out loud. Right now, priority is quite rightly DSD safety and wellbeing so well done for keeping her with you, and then it's up to her Mum to find the strength to admit what needs to happen next.

Does your DH have contact with any of his ex-wife's close friends or relatives? Is it worth a call to a sister/friend/ex MIL to try and gently persuade her of what is happening and the need to get her and her DD out of this abusive relationship?

This. Mum is probably a mixture of scared/denial etc. like all of us a bit selfish/scared of change/worried about money. Boiled frog as in it seems normal to her.

It takes a long while for people to leave. He's probably nice to her part of the time. Getting out is hard.

You can get dsd out though. Absolutely. Take the decision from her that she is not going home til he has left permanently.

cestlavielife · 19/02/2025 10:04

At 15 child residence (custody) is for teenager to decide where to live. Her dad should be persuading her to stay. Court won't be interested. But it might impact who is claiming child benefit. Sort that later.
Main issue is everyone s safety.
Talk to school safeguarding lead again.
The main culprit is the stepdad here.

StrikeAlways · 18/02/2025 23:07

pleasehelpsostressed · 18/02/2025 18:21

@StrikeAlways
I have already contacted the police force dealing with him, numerous times. They are useless and disinterested. One of them even hung up on me at one point. So that was helpful.

I’m so sorry. That’s so awful. That’s why I was wondering if it was worth making a complaint to ‘concentrate their minds’.

Homebird8 · 18/02/2025 22:48

I am so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. Your need to protect your DDs is more than understandable. I'm not sure that making decisions about leaving your DH is a good idea at the moment. This man is volatile and seemingly wants to fight anyone who gets in his way. You may well be better to all stick together.

Thinking more about his behaviour. He could be angry he's lost access to your DSD. This may well echo in his mind a situation where a partner leaves him and we know all too well that this can be a dangerous time in an abusive situation.

You are right to be scared, and wary, and to work to protect your whole family. MPs can get action when others can't and the chief constable contact sounds sensible too in the circumstances.

Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself too. Do whatever it takes to maintain as much composure as you can muster. You are acting decisively in the best interests of your family. Keep your clear head. You're doing so well.

NewHeaven · 18/02/2025 18:55

Your dh should also email the school safeguarding officer the list of concerns your sdd wrote out. He should mention that her mother didn't seem concerned about them and blamed sdd instead. I'd switch tactics and encourage the authorities to go for the mother as she is the weakest link. Hopefully she'll crack & lose custody of sdd if safeguarding go after her.