To think we overthink parenting these days??

I go for firm but fair. If i shout, i shout. Mummy is not a pushover. Kids need you to be in charge, it makes them feel safe.

I will NOT allow a home of chaos where no one is happy.

I agree OP and was just discussing this with DH tonight. Our 11 year old is going through a hard time right now and I feel like I just can’t say the right thing at all, every single time I give him advice I spend so much time thinking ‘I shouldn’t have said that, that’s it I’ve totally fucked him up now’, whenever I tell them off I feel so bad I end up apologising.

I read so much about childhood trauma and emotionally abusive parents and then worry about how bad I might unintentionally be treating them (even though I’m not sure how much trauma can be equated with living in a nice house with three square meals a day, numerous activities, friends round whenever you want, holidays, family time etc etc but anyway…..).

I stress that they will hate me when they are older and go NC with me for doing/saying the wrong thing (although that might just be to much MN!) and overthink every single little thing.

Irony is I work in a job that many people find really high stress and I don’t overthink any of that at all!

Saying no is paramount to child abuse these days. Aren't you meant to say something like 'oh I understand how you are feeling and it's so sad when we can't do what we want but how about we do....' or some crap like that.

Much simpler in the past: NO

For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s doing kids any favours to believe we are perfect at it either! How do ANY of us know what’s ‘right’, we can only do our best. We just show up, love and listen and it can’t go too far wrong hopefully! But we’re only human at the end of the day.

I hate the "kind hands" thing as well and "good walking/pushing/moving". Like you need praise just to do what you're already doing!

I think between permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting i think the latter produces better results. At least kids will be resilient. And the parents are more relaxed

I'm a big believer in 'good enough' parenting. We are pretty good parents but we are not perfect and that's ok.

@Waffle19 i had the same problem on Instagram, I stupidly interacted with these suggested posts about parenting and it showed me more of them, so I started clicking the three little dots and clicking “not interested”. It’s stopped the algorithm showing me all this parenting stuff and now I have funny videos of cats most of the time (which I’m all here for). And in response to your op, yes we do overthink it. The pressure of thinking that you can make or break your child is just silly, your relationship with you child is a complex interplay of personalities, genetics, circumstances and so on. I was once asked how do you raise a child well (because I have a degree in psychology) and I said “you love them and you pay attention to them.” Still stand by it :p

I bought pregnancy and baby books in three languages. Then, the second DS was born, I thought ‘What complete bollocks’ and gave them all away. However, I have the ultimate guide in ‘do everything differently to my own parents’. Who were and are lovely, but shouldn’t have been left in charge of a goldfish, far less five children.

Yes I think social media, all these child psychologists and 'parenting experts' put more pressure on mums. More pressure equals more stress and ultimately that will make us act worse as mum's. So I think it does way more harm than good. Personally anyway.

YANBU!

Do gentle parenting proponents realise it has no basis in science or research? The best evidence based method is authoritative - strict but fair and loving, with good discipline and consequences.

Yelling is never good.

I massively overthink parenting (mine are tweens) i don't know how to handle it, i cant do emotions, I do not follow social media (apart from text-based ones like this) and I have a distant relationship with my own parents.

You don't know how lovely that was to read 🤗

100%, it really clouds your own instincts as a parent.
I particularly hate the videos describing how babies are only small for such a short period of time and promoting the idea of being a SAHM - but when you read the caption they’re promoting their own fucking MLM scheme. “Let me show you how to make money while being at home with your kids”. So you watch this real guilt inducing video as you’re casually scrolling so someone can scam mums for money.

Yanbu at all.

There was a thread on here the other day where a young adult was talking about the 'abuse' from her mother for calling her selfish when she was a teen. I started having a little panic about what my dds would think of me. I have definitely called them selfish, because guess what, at times their behaviour has been exceptionally selfish. Are we supposed to have just said 'never mind darling, it's fine for you to have woken the whole house up at 3am?'

There seems to be an expectation of absolute perfection from mums nowadays, and woe betide if you use the wrong word.

You don’t need all the books! Or the apps. Pick one or two, breathe, relax, you’ll be fine. You don’t need 25+ voices telling you how to get to know and parent your own little baby. You have your own voice for that, listen to it, no book can do that for you.

no harm in gaining some info but no one’s going to make you take an exam!

When my nieces and nephews come round to my house they are told not to grab and pull at the cat by saying 'kind hands!'

...i don't really understand why that's supposed to be better than 'don't pull the cat's fur, you'll hurt him' but I'm not a parent.

Wtf does 'kind hands' even mean? It doesn't seem to stop them terrorising poor kitty.

Yes, it’s exhausting.

But - I do in fact think it’s in part driven by how JUDGED parents are for every element of their parenting, and every aspect of their child’s behaviour.

It’s on my life of ‘reasons for the low birth rate’ - having a child is now treated a bit like a full time job.

See thread running currently of mother feeling guilty for spending one weekend away from her kids aged 2 and 4. My parents were often off doing things at weekends and going to dinners etc.

Just found out a couple of weeks ago that I’m pregnant with our first and already overthinking it. Buying all the books. All. The. Books.

In the long run though, I think as long as I parent with common sense and set up a therapy fund for them, I can’t mess them up too much, right?!