To think we overthink parenting these days??

You sound normal to me .

This !! Mama 🙄....give me strength... Once your algorithm gets infiltrated with this nonsense its endless ! It's the role of the woman in this and how her needs just don't count for much..Job one is keep this baby content at all times. And the obsession with tiny babies , this bit is so short..the rest of it esp post 18 months what you need to get right but there is nowhere near the focus on that part. Kids needs boundaries and to feel safe but they need to take measured risks and not have someone fussing over them constantly. Please/thank you would be good too. Be aware of their surroundings and how their behaviour impacts others. Benign dictator/good enough parenting is a better direction to go.

I did cloth nappies and some "baby wearing" 10+ years ago and found a lot of the "attachment style" crunchy parenting in the fb groups ridiculously idealistic, guilt inducing and not very grounded in reality. Fortunately instagram was not a thing then (and I hadn't made it to a smart phone). I also worked with young people which gave me a lot of confidence in what were reasonable expectations of children and how to manage behaviour.

Having been raised by parents who'd been raising children in the 60s & 70s, it just didn't seem logical that babies would be ruined so easily by things like crying for a few minutes while a shower was being finished or a sandwich being made so I've never felt guilty about not prioritising baby over meeting my basic needs. I haven't parented in the same way as my parents (no babies left to cry it out in the pram at the bottom of the garden), but a lot of the parenting of the early 2010s seemed too far the other way to the detriment of maternal well-being and with little extra benefit to the child.

I've made it to the teen years. They're not in therapy yet
They know what "no" means. Are pleasant to teach. Are well mannered. They know that if they do not co-operate with reasonable expectations and polite requests there will be consequences.

They're not angels and they certainly try their luck especially as they've got older, but it's healthy for them to know that other people have thresholds on what behaviour can be tolerated, where patience has a limit and that unreasonable behaviour has consequences to them (often fixed period tech bans if a natural consequence isn't appropriate). Today DS2 tried his luck at not wheeling the bin back when asked. That was fine, he could stay out in the front garden while I completed jobs in the car; it was his tech time he was missing 🤷‍♀️ Funny how within a minute he decided that it was worth bringing back the bin, and I decided that it was worth unlocking the house while he fetched it. I could have launched into a lengthy spiel about family and teamwork and feelings but that would have taken far longer to mind-numb him into submission.

He still ended up cuddling up on the sofa watching TV with me tonight, so he doesn't seem too damaged by the experience of manual labour and maternal stubborness matching his level of effort 😉

Children need boundaries. There isn't one-size-fits-all perfect method so there's no point in sweating over every minor detail. Some parenting advice sounds great in theory but doesn't match real world personalities or situations. I've got this far on winging it, and trial and error, and we're still going, love each other and functioning in line with society's expectations. (Double-win when dealing with ND children!)

I was a young mum and the parenting social media posts weren’t as prevalent when mine were tiny. The only book I read was “what to expect when you’re expecting” and I couldn’t tell you a thing I learned from it. I’ve mostly muddled through, as a single parent. And I sometimes feel pangs of guilt when I see those kind of posts now, that I should have done this or that etc. But we’re a team, we figure stuff out together, we all own our mistakes and we learn things all the time. And I have two kind, happy kids who know how loved they are. I think that’s good enough

@Skymadeofdiamonds thing is that gentle parenting if done well is all the things you mentioned. As pp have said, it is often confused with permissive parenting because due to upbringing, in people's heads hitting, shouting etc = discipline.

I just think there isn't one way to parent. Kids need different types of parenting at different times. It's great we encourage kids to express their feelings now though.

I work in older adult mental health as a nurse (65+), and let me tell you, boy does that generation have a lot of repressed feelings and trauma. The men in particular from that generation struggle. I've genuinely had patients with multiple horrible traumatic events tell me 'I've been fine my whole life, those things weren't traumatic' when they're suddenly out of the blue depressed and anxious. It usually happens when they hit retirement and have more time to think, I guess! I think that generation was very much the 'buck up' generation. I was very much parented not to have feelings/show feelings (dad is 80, mum is 68), and it's caused me issues as an adult that have taken a long time to work on in therapy.

I've got an 8mo DD, and I think a lot about how I'll parent her. I want to empathise with her feelings and make sure she knows big feelings are okay, but I also want to teach her to problem solve. 'You're sad? What are we gonna do about that?'.

But equally, sometimes kids need authoritative parenting. I don't think everything needs a big lengthy discussion about feelings. Sometimes you have to do as your told even if you don't like it, and that's an important lesson to learn, as it holds true for school and the work place. People are ridiculous if they think rushing kids to get ready in a morning will cause trauma. Over the top authoritarian parenting, sure, but a kind, loving parent who holds very firm boundaries when needed? No.

I actually think it's the opposite. Some people don't think about parenting enough. They just unwittingly accept and follow whatever nonsense is spouted by the current trending 'expert' without applying any critical thinking or common sense.

@Yotoyoto you're not failing. Some kids are easy some are hard and the advice for parenting isn't the same for them. Do what feels right to you. The fact you are worrying about it shows you're a great mom so don't get bogged down with all the bullshit touted as perfect parenting. Tbh I think we're all winging it to some extent 😅

its the ‘don’t force them say sorry’ that gets me. Because it doesn’t teach them empathy.

no, empathy is a learned skill that they aren’t capable of til they are older. But they can learn how to apologise and take accountability!!

🤣 I'm late 30's and even I make sure to show my 2 year old please and thank you and he isn't even talking yet😅 I'd rather be classed as old fashioned for that than come across as fucking rude like your niece and nephew. It's ridiculous the level of power some people put in their kids hands. They're kids, they can't handle power🤣

I feel absolutely paralysed with self doubt and that I’m not doing it right. It feels completely impossible to not traumatise them. Everything is trauma.

Saying “good girl” instead of “good job” focuses on external validation and creates anxiety
saying “you have to have one bite of vegetables” will cause an eating disorder
Rushing them to put their shoes on creates anxiety etc eyc

unfortunately my 4yo is an incredibly difficult child and I just feel like I’m failing.

The pleases and thank you one is a recent thing I think. My niece and nephew aren’t made to say it. It’s a they do if they want to sort of thing. My dad commented recently how nice it is that I always remind my three year old to say please and thank you- I’ve been doing that since he could babble. . In my mind that’s a completely basic requirement of politeness and so easily learnt. But I think it’s fashionable these days (and I sound old but I’m not even 40!) to not prompt and let them make their own decision on saying platitudes, only say it if they mean it or something.

Literally, PLEASE 🙄🤣

Reading this was like a breath of fresh air!! I agree completely, particularly about the pendulum swinging to the other extreme before a new "normal" middle ground is settled on again for a while.

Well I must be terrible. I bottle fed, sleep trained (not that it took much), went back to to work (and skipped in with delight), don't allow screens, don't allow the kids to dictate what they eat, I say no, I shower and poo alone, I make them shower, I tell them off if they're naughty, I insist on please and thank you.

But weirdly, they are happy, clean, healthy and polite. So being old fashioned must work?

I did, and he’s also never been allowed to play at ours because we have two rescued house bunnies and they’ve had enough trauma as it is.

every time that bloody episode of Bing comes on where he squishes the butterfly my son pipes up ‘do you remember when…’

His mum never tells him off though. I think the day I saw him do that to the butterfly was the first telling off he’d ever had in his life.

I know, but are you always good?

I always feel a bit ashamed when I've resorted to raising my voice, because it shows I've lost my cool, but I've definitely done it.

My parents very rarely yelled at me, so when they did it really pulled me up sharp!

Mostly, if I misbehaved, they were just "very disappointed" in me, which was most effective.

@FanofLeaves and there's your first meeting with a future psychopath 😂 Did you tell the mom that he should feel sad about it?

My DC went to an extremely crunchy, Steiner influenced preschool (it was actually really good for toddlers, they spent loads of time playing outside, learning about nature, eating healthy food and all that), which means that my parent friends and acquaintances from those days were all very much on the hippy side.
Consequently, for some years my Facebook feed was flooded with this shit. All those passive aggressive articles referring to you as "Mama" 🤮, emphasising what a short time it is your little ones are tiny (bollocks, if you have two or three in a row it could be as much as a decade) and how it's such a tiny sacrifice having broken sleep for years because if you sleep train them it's cruel etc etc etc....
Honestly? I think it's tantamount to maternal abuse. To me, it just seems like relentless propaganda designed to guilt trip mothers for having any needs, and if I was a conspiracy theorist I'd suspect it was all being churned out by some dreadful bot factory aiming to get us all under the jackboot of the patriarchy again.

@FanofLeaves

The little shit 😮

😂 love it. I can't remember the exact quote but someone on here said something along the lines of "when you're a mother, you're never doing anything right". Can't do wrong for doing right basically. Women need more confidence in their ability to parent and not listen to every idiot with advice 🤣

Mum guilt for going to work, mum guilt for going to the toilet alone, mum guilt for taking a shower, mum guilt for making sure everyone gets a good night's sleep, mum guilt for feeding with a bottle, mum guilt for saying no...what is wrong with this generation of women? And how do men put up with it? (My DH wouldn't, her would tell me to get over myself and rightly so)

I remember telling one of my son’s friends (completely NT before anyone comes at me!!) at the playground for deliberately stamping on a butterfly minding its own business and the mum came running over saying ‘oh kind feet, kind feet, we say kind feet don’t we’ I said it’s a bit bloody late he’s killed it. She said ‘yes well we don’t need to make him feel sad about it!’ 😐

Exactly. And also the whole overly apologising for shouting at your child, even if they were doing something bad or about to get hurt. The amount of posts I've seen on here about mum guilt for shouting and being in tears about it. Wtaf?!😂

@FanofLeaves For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s doing kids any favours to believe we are perfect at it either!

Totally agree. We show them we're not perfect either. No one is perfect, and it's all ok!

I utterly despise this. I've never uttered the phrase "kind hands" or "gentle hands". I can't abide it.

If my 3 year old ever dared hurt an animal, he would be told off in no uncertain terms.