To think we overthink parenting these days??

Absolutely ignore Instagram posts about parenting. They purposefully use extreme or controversial statements and viewpoints in order to get more engagement. And then unsuspecting new parents take it all to heart.

But yes I do overthink parenting too, because as a PP said, in the past it was seriously under thought and I want my kids to feel loved, safe and valued.

I never shouted at my four kids but I had very clear rules and expectations and I had 'consequences' ( otherwise known as punishments).
It depends on people's temperaments. I never shout ever. I don't have a temper and none of my adult kids ever shout either.

Ive a theory that having fun together is one of the most important things as well as lots of love.

I like that, a benign dictatorship! Children need boundaries so they know their place in the pecking order and they don't grow up being self-centred, entitled little brats that nobody want to be around. I'm getting tired of queuing for a quick coffee and having to wait behind families of tiny Esmes and Lionels who are being asked to choose what they want - teach them that at home and order for them, don't you know what they like? When they're earning their own money and paying their own bills they can join the grown-ups (yes, families of St Albans, it's you I'm looking at).

That makes sense and sounds much better. I assumed the logic was that it's a quick command. I like that principle of show what you should do.

And the complete PITA pathetic mother!

@FanofLeaves I totally agree.

I viewed parenting as a benign dictatorship with routine, love and cuddles… it seems to have worked as my 20 somethings are now out in the world and are just fine. (Their father, however, is another matter…)

So is being quiet, or touching a child if we're utterly lacking in nuance with blunt statements with some element of truth to them.

Ranting at a child and belittling them is indeed abusive. Simply raising your voice to get attention is not abusive. Shouting shouldn't be the default mode of communicating but it is sometimes necessary and is something that will be encountered in school and social clubs/ sports.
Word choice matters more than volume.

Being quiet is generally not abuse, but specifically silent treatment or ongoing neglect of attention is. Temporary "tell me in a minute when I've finished doing this" is a healthy social boundary.
Touching again has a wide range of nuance between loving comfort and abuse.

The breadth of normal, healthy interactions is broad and varies with child's age before they fall into abuse levels. It's not as simple as "shouting is abuse"

All this overthinking parenting doesn't seem to be making the kids any happier from what we can see. I'm guilty of it myself but it does seem like a lot of wasted effort if you don't get results

I also wonder if it's another factor in the declining birth rate. It presents parenting as something very complex, high risk and easy to fuck up. If you're ambivalent about kids then that could well be what sways you into no thanks.

Completely agree with that

I think there are ways of introducing autonomy.

Pleases and Thank you and coming to the door to say Bye, always. Framework.

Hugs and kisses to older relatives, no. Your body, your choice

Common sense.

If someone said 'kind hands' I will not be responsible for running to a get sick bucket

"Please do not pull the cats tail" why is that so hard? (in addition to your version I mean)

I like “benign dictatorship”. A family with under 18s is not a democracy.

My bug bear is that all this overthinking (and I have been and still am guilty of this) is the abdication of parenting to children, handing over difficult decisions for them to make (and take responsibility for) and the adultification of children in doing so.

Just stop it. You’re the adult, you’re the parent.

I was talking to dd (17) the other day about shouting at kids. Her dad is a bit of a shouter, I am not. If I ever have lost my temper I apologise for it whereas he saw it more as a parenting tool. Dd was saying how anxious his shouting made her. Guess who now has a much better relationship with her? (It’s me). I’m not permissive but I am gentle.

@Globusmedia it might have changed in the few years since I first heard it (mine is 5 now) but I remember when he was a baby/young toddler it was used IN ADDITION to "no hitting, it hurts".

The idea was to show what we Should Do, instead of just what we shouldn't, if that makes sense? So like when he was really young and just flailing around or over excited I'd say No Hitting, it hurts, but add "we use kind hands, like this" then demonstrate stroking the cat nicely and say "see, he likes that" or whatever.

I only used it when he was tiny though, like that weird stage where we wanted to start teaching behaviour but he was a bit too young to fully understand things.

I think ‘think of the children’ can lead to parents over sharing with children and forcing them to make decisions only parents can and should make- sometimes kids need to be told what to do or made do something. I’ll be honest I hate shouting because it generally means everything has gotten out of hand and only results in shouting back, but it’s life, things get out of control sometimes or we wouldn’t be human

This thread is just full of people asserting that they parented right so therefore others are wrong with no acknowlegement that there could be more than one right or acceptable way. It’s just another mother/women bashing thread.

It isn't. (unless I'm misreading sarcasm).

As a society, we aren't raising well adjusted kids at the moment. There's a distinct lack of boundaries in a sizeable minority, as teachers, they see it every day.

I am mixed on this.

The insta posts you are seeing sound ridiculous, but then a lot of memes and clickbait on instagram are like this. Ignore those.

But overall, actively thinking about how you parent is a good thing, and parents are more encouraged to do that than they were in the past. Understanding child development, and how your child might experience your parenting, is a good thing.

There are lots of people who have some level of trauma or issues from the way they were parented, by parents who perhaps did their best at the time, but just didn't have the knowledge or understanding to parent well.

The more that parents think about what they are doing with their kids and the impact it might be having, the better.

Kind hands is my absolute worst phrase. It’s so ridiculous. I go to a toddler class and there is ann uncontrollable 2.5 year old - last week he slapped another child across the face and then bit him for absolutely no reason and the mum just simpered “kind hands Hugo”. I was gobsmacked. He unsurprisingly ignored her and went to shove over another kid. To this she said “be gentle when you hug your friends”. Absolute nutter. All the kids avoid him lil the plague and avoid the mum as well now as so sick of her not parenting her child. The poor teacher of the group spends half the class trying to stop him hurting other kids. Apparently he’s incredibly intelligent and “gifted” though according to the mum so that’s alright

Shouting at your kids is abuse though.

Yep. Very often followed up by them explaining they don't hit or scream at their kids, but they remove them from situations, take things off them that they're throwing/hitting with, explain things etc and I'm like... That IS gentle parenting... You are literally doing The Thing.

There are parents I don't know how they get out of bed in the morning without checking it is ok with either social media or a fake influencer they are feeling inadequate over

Mind you I am not sure social media or influencers can be blamed note the endless articles pick and chose bits from nor this endless 'society makes me do it' for people not thinking for themselves

What is worrying is these same people are raising the next generation

The PP who said this generation is the most anxious generation imaginable hit it on the head. This new parenting isn’t working - too much begging and pleading to get children to behave and not enough just bloody telling them. And way way too much helicopter parenting. It’s been a fucking disaster and we need an urgent reset.

the mum came running over saying ‘oh kind feet, kind feet, we say kind feet don’t we’ I said it’s a bit bloody late he’s killed it. She said ‘yes well we don’t need to make him feel sad about it!’

^

She'll have problems when he's 15.