Page 7 | To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

Bestofgoodluck · 2025-02-13T19:08:06+00:00

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me. I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby. They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy. Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore. Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self. I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth. AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/02/2025 01:36

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, but you could tell your sister what was in the texts but include something that wasn't.

You never know, she might blurt out "I did NOT say that!"

latetothefisting · 14/02/2025 00:43

Kingsransom · 14/02/2025 00:32

You can't know either way, so kicking her out of her home would likely cause serious problems in your relationship. Whose house is it?

maybe take a second to read OP's posts, where she's answered this?

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:43

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:25

For the sister to have sent the text and pretend the girl sent them to herself is a bit much.

The OP is the only one to suggest that the SD sent them, the sister would have suggested this when asked if that was her plan all along.

The hysterical reaction from the SD along with wanting the sister banned but not told why is suspicious enough, but if the texts were sent in the middle of night with no provocation or specific incident between them that day, then I would say the SD is the most likely culprit with a very obvious motive.

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My point is it is impossible to prove without a confession. And it isn't necessary because that isn't the real issue. Whichever child did this (which is most likely SD) they did it because they are unhappy. That is the real issue here.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 00:33

KrisAkabusi · 14/02/2025 00:29

If you're a stepmother, you're a parent. It's not a popular opinion on here but that doesn't resolve you of responsibilities.

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It's not the same thing. Some step parents take on a full parenting role, others don't. Quite a lot of step-parenting literature suggests that the best thing is when stepmothers take the "fun auntie" role. Having a SD doesn't automatically mean OP should be parenting her in the same way her dad should be.

Step parents do NOT have parental responsibility, legally or otherwise.

Kingsransom · 14/02/2025 00:32

You can't know either way, so kicking her out of her home would likely cause serious problems in your relationship. Whose house is it?

KrisAkabusi · 14/02/2025 00:29

ReginaTucker · 14/02/2025 00:16

But she’s not parent to either of them so you can’t really judge her parenting!!

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If you're a stepmother, you're a parent. It's not a popular opinion on here but that doesn't resolve you of responsibilities.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 00:29

Yes I think SD did it, mainly because OP knows these girls very well and probably has the right instinct about it.

However, the problem is kind of how to deal with it when you don't have proof either way so you could be wrong.

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:25

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:15

Equally if the sister was going to send texts but pretend SD sent them to herself, she could only do that when SD would have the opportunity...

Someone is either very cunning or immature and desperate.

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For the sister to have sent the text and pretend the girl sent them to herself is a bit much.

The OP is the only one to suggest that the SD sent them, the sister would have suggested this when asked if that was her plan all along.

The hysterical reaction from the SD along with wanting the sister banned but not told why is suspicious enough, but if the texts were sent in the middle of night with no provocation or specific incident between them that day, then I would say the SD is the most likely culprit with a very obvious motive.

Happyhippos123 · 14/02/2025 00:21

Both girls are very lucky to have you in their lives, you sound very caring and sensible, you've really stepped up for both of them.

I hope it gets sorted, and that you aren't forced to choose between both girls.

LAMPS1 · 14/02/2025 00:21

What a sad and difficult situation for you all.

I think that, as soon as DP returns home, you should go back to your own home and allow him to talk to his DD and get to the bottom of it over a period of time.
It’s possible that your SD doesn’t want to share her home (or share you) with your DSis. So she is testing the boundaries. She wants you to believe her so that she feels loved rather than rejected.
Either girl could be fighting to hold her position with you and needing to feel your allegiance. I do think that SD may have stronger need to do that.

It would be better if you stayed out of it and hosted your DSis as normal in your own home, until it has all been resolved amicably.
It will be easier for the truth to emerge with you having temporarily moved out.

Dramatic · 14/02/2025 00:18

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Good point, and what's the likelihood of her doing it the night before she goes home when she would then probably be confronted about them in the morning instead of just sending them after she got back to her mum's house.

This is beginning to feel like an episode of Line of Duty.

ReginaTucker · 14/02/2025 00:16

KrisAkabusi · 13/02/2025 19:18

FFS! If you're not even going to check, you're telling your sd that you think she's a liar. She might be, but I can't believe you're not even going to see if she's not. This is terrible parenting! What if she's not lying. You've now shown her that she can't go to you if there's a problem with your sister

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But she’s not parent to either of them so you can’t really judge her parenting!!

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:15

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Equally if the sister was going to send texts but pretend SD sent them to herself, she could only do that when SD would have the opportunity...

Someone is either very cunning or immature and desperate.

backawayfatty1 · 14/02/2025 00:15

It's unlikely you will know the truth by asking them. Can you sit down with them both & discuss the messages? Maybe you will know by their reactions.

I would make clear to SD, she does not dictate when DS comes/stays though

latetothefisting · 14/02/2025 00:14

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

yep, if anything it would make more sense to send them when she was away from OP as it's easier to lie when not face to face
If she had sent them in the night she had no way of knowing the SD wouldn't have gone straight to OP before she'd had the chance to leave

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 00:02

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Good point actually

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2025 00:00

It's SDs home though, not OPs sister. I think OP should frame it that she will go and look after sister in sisters home therefore SD will.need to go to grandparents if she cant stay in the house alone, rather than kicking her out of her own home.

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 23:45

I really don’t think it matters who did what. It’s the why they did it. It sounds like it was SD and she needs help processing her feelings.

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:42

The assumption was that there shouldn’t be passwords on their phones as there shouldn’t be anything private on there.
That and general phone rules will absolutely be looked at when dp is back.

Phones are also supposed to be kept on the landing at night which they usually are, I didn’t check that they were though.

I have kept sd’s phone since she showed me the messages, i don’t want to delete them until it’s sorted but don’t want her to sit there reading them especially if I’m wrong and she didn’t sent them herself.

OP posts:

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 23:40

Do you know where your sister would prefer to stay? With you at your house or with you at these other people's house?

latetothefisting · 13/02/2025 23:35

healthybychristmas · 13/02/2025 23:03

That's a really weird situation. I think the way I would look at it as this. I would look at both phones when neither child was there. I'd be looking at the messages and any other activity that was going on at the same time the messages were sent. If you're stepdaughter has just nipped onto the landing and use the phone to send messages Then she wouldn't have deleted them from your sister's phone and she wouldn't delete them from her own because she would want evidence. She would've told you as soon as she saw the messages in the morning. However she wouldn't have used your sister's phone to do anything else, I would imagine. If you check your stepdaughter's phone and find other activity in her history from the same time as the messages were sent then you have your culprit.

Then she wouldn't have deleted them from your sister's phone and she wouldn't delete them from her own because she would want evidence.

I think it is believable she would have deleted them from the DSIS phone, just in case the DSIS saw them and went to OP first, saying 'I've just looked at my phone and there are these really weird messages sent from it to SD, that I haven't sent.'

It's slightly suspicious that the SD apparently received the messages earlier but didn't outwardly react (seeing as OP didn't realise anything was wrong) - but then came to OP "in tears" but only several hours later, once Dsis had gone and didn't have the opportunity to defend herself. Surely if they were that upsetting she would have been upset when she first read them then calmed down a bit by the time she showed OP?

Also, tell both of them to put a password and/or face/fingerprint recognition on their phones, it's just asking for trouble if they get stolen or whatever if there's no security enabled at all!

Bayonetlightbulb · 13/02/2025 23:32

You need to sit down with them both and explain clearly that unfortunately you don't have enough evidence to prove who is telling the truth and who is lying. Explain that you understand this will be upsetting and frustrating for the child that is telling the truth.
Then tell them both that they need passcodes on their phones that the other doesn't know (not sure I believe they don't have these yo be honest) and then you need to take possession on the phones at night when not in use.

latetothefisting · 13/02/2025 23:26

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 22:28

your not listening.

the child should not be kicked out of her home for your sister to stay. She shouldn’t be uncomfortable in her home.

If you want to watch your sister do it at your home. While she is at granny’s.

You don’t kick a child who’s already got only one involved parent out of their home to prioritise another persons child especially when you can take them to your own home.

Her home is her only safe space with her father after having an uninterested mum.

Your sister had her mum, even if not great and you. You and your sister are invading her space.

what? you could say exactly the same in reverse

OP's sister also sounds like she only has one "involved" parent as there is no dad even mentioned, and unlike the SD the "involved" parent isn't great
SD also has grandparents
So, if anything SD has MORE options for a 'safe space' than the Dsis

SD can't stay at home on her own, so OP isn't invading her space - if OP leaves while her dad is away SD has to go to her grandparents.

it's either stay with OP and accept OP's DSIS is also allowed in the house, or OP goes back to her own place where her DSIS can visit and SD goes to her grandparents.

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:21

They both have other issues, obviously family dynamic isn’t ideal for either of them.
I’m in a really difficult position being torn between two vulnerable young girls, neither of them mine.
From mine and DPs perspective our situation worked and thought encouraging a I guess sort of step sibling relationship between the girls would be good for them.
As far as I’m aware there’s never been any problems between them, like I said they are completely different not best friends but perfectly friendly.
They don’t really see reach other that much and even when they are together they have separate schools, friends and hobbies.

OP posts: