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AIBU?

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Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
MissJoGrant · 13/02/2025 22:18

Ask both kids phone providers for an itemised bill (costs about £2). You'll be able to see when texts were sent and from whose phone.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 22:16

This all happened in DPs and SD’s home where I live 90% of the time but I do have my own place where my sister has always stayed before.
DP is away until next week, He agreed that SD could be lying but has asked her and she said no so can’t expect him to do anything else at the moment as she is so upset. He has also always made it clear that I’m not expected to look after his dd, I don’t want her to have to go to her grandparents, I do love her and enjoy looking after her but my sister doesn’t have an alternative safe space.

Honestly I’m finding it hard to be looking after SD and comfort her while believing she’s made up horrible lies trying to get rid of my sister.
I didn’t really consider why she would do this but obviously either way she’s really upset about something and needs support.

I agree the goal is to sort out the relationship between them and to continue the arrangement as we are.

OP posts:
PandaTime · 13/02/2025 22:15

Gosh that's a tricky one. The messages exist so they were definitely sent from one phone to the other. But I don't know how you could prove who sent them. It's one troubled girl's word against another troubled girl's. Personally, I would see this as communication. Someone is trying to tell you something. If it was SD who sent the messages, she is clearly trying to tell you that your sister being in her life and in her home so often makes her unhappy. You really shouldn't be this torn. Your sister's visits should not be at the expense of your SD. This is her home. Try shorter visits. A week is a long time to feel put out and uncomfortable in your own home.

MissJoGrant · 13/02/2025 22:13

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 19:27

It’s a little bit irrelevant. Whether SD sent them to herself in an attempt to frame your sister or your sister actually sent them, they do not have a friendly or happy relationship and the current set up isn’t working.

Whatever the truth if it, his incident does not mean their "set up isn't working". I think your anti-step bias might be showing.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 22:09

As pp said it is also possibly suspicious if she was on her phone all day but only appeared to "read" the msgs after sister left. But maybe she wasn't on her phone til then?

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2025 22:07

DojaPhat · 13/02/2025 22:02

I'm not sure if this has been covered but what sort of phone does your sister have that someone other than her could ostensibly open it, send a ream of texts then delete the evidence, place the phone neatly back where she took it without creaking so much as a door handle and breathing so quietly a mouse couldn't hear?

Plenty of ways to do this without any of the above.

Photoshop
Fake message apps
Saving another device (iPad?) as sister's name
Getting a friend to send them and saving them as sister's name

DojaPhat · 13/02/2025 22:02

I'm not sure if this has been covered but what sort of phone does your sister have that someone other than her could ostensibly open it, send a ream of texts then delete the evidence, place the phone neatly back where she took it without creaking so much as a door handle and breathing so quietly a mouse couldn't hear?

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2025 22:02

The fact that she's pushing for your sister to no longer be allowed to stay there makes it pretty obvious to me (from the limited info) that that's her plan and has cooked up this story to try and make that happen.

Not a chance I'd be told by a child that my sister couldn't stay in my home, nasty messages or not.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 21:57

I might be being paranoid but I think if they're going to be getting silly with phones you might want to tighten up rules with them and ways to make sure they don't get into each others hands. If one is being naughty and sending rude messages on the other's phone they could potentially cause all kind of trouble - hurtful messages to friends etc

Nowthesaidmother · 13/02/2025 21:56

This is a cry for help from your dad assuming she is the one who's lying.
So you need to find out why she doesn't want your D's to stay any longer.

If she's not lying, and it's your ds, you need to understand why she's being so mean.

The best way to do this imo is take pressure off them about lying. Don't make a big deal about who's the liar, who's lying etc but give them a way to communicate what they really need to communicate.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 13/02/2025 21:55

Dramatic · 13/02/2025 19:12

Sent them to herself as in sent the messages from your sister's phone? It would be easy to check what time the messages were sent.

Check tge name and then the nu.ber that sent the messages.

IStayCosy · 13/02/2025 21:54

I think SD sent the messages to herself, I think this is the very obvious scenario. Preteen girls are catty and hyper emotional, you may not get to the bottom of this issue, I think SD is just trying her luck at pushing your sister out of the picture. Doesn't have to be a valid reason, young girls can just be difficult like that (though there probably is some underlying minor reason at play)

justasking111 · 13/02/2025 21:53

Velmy · 13/02/2025 21:26

You missed a prime opportunity to use the old "I'll check the hidden security camera" trick my parents once got me with.

😁

Or say you're taking both phones to a forensic computer guy who can retrieve deleted messages.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 21:51

Hi OP.

11/12 is a difficult age and I think this often seems to be channelled via phones these days! (Recent issues with my SD & her phone here...)

I think it's a good idea to take a bit of a step back. There's emotion behind this whatever it is. I think it's important to reinforce boundaries, but also see if you can work through the issue with both girls and find a resolution. After all, they're both with you a lot and about to be teenagers - I would be wary of starting any pattern of banishing one or the other. I don't think it would be good to give either of them the impression that they can make you send the other away. That will probably make them BOTH feel insecure.

I think it would be best to a) enforce phone rules and or reduce phone access and b) have a family talk. It would be good to get to the root of what happened and why. I think if you're able to get through that and come to a resolution, it might help them resolve issues better later on.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 13/02/2025 21:38

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 13/02/2025 19:33

if your sister has done it, then the messages will be deleted off her phone to cover her tracks. If your SD has done it, she wouldn’t delete the messages as she would want the evidence to be there to back up her story, surely?

The SD could have deleted them straight away from the sister’s phone so the sister wouldn’t see them.

Bushmillsbabe · 13/02/2025 21:36

What did the messages say? Were they mean 'you are fat/ugly.....' or were they threatening 'if you do/don't do X I will do Y'.
Even if SD has sent the messages to herself, then there must be a reason, for example DSis has threatened her verbally but she doesn't think you will believe her with no proof.
As others have said, neither girl can ban the other from the house. It is SD's home, but it sounds like sister needs option to visit too.

Lou205 · 13/02/2025 21:34

I think you need to gently but firmly tell SD that sis will still be coming but that both phones will be properly taken away so there can't be any more issues with messages. You definitely do not need to add in that if she doesn't like it she can go to her GP's.

PrincessScarlett · 13/02/2025 21:32

Why isn't your sister bothered at all by some disgusting messages being sent from her phone and that SD is hysterical and upset? Surely she would be angry that someone has been using her phone to send disgusting messages at the very least?

Eenameenadeeka · 13/02/2025 21:26

I'd think you need to sit down and work through what's happening rather than taking sides and not having one of them around, that sounds childish. Maybe when your partner is back, sit down together with both girls and try to resolve it.
Not understanding how the SD would have used the sister's phone though, doesn't everyone have a password to their phone nowadays?

Tiswa · 13/02/2025 21:26

You have a problem - your SD doesn’t want your sister to stay and that doesn’t exist in a vacuum there is a reason and you need to fix it.

because it is her home - you cannot throw her out but it is yiur home as well and you too have some say

Velmy · 13/02/2025 21:26

You missed a prime opportunity to use the old "I'll check the hidden security camera" trick my parents once got me with.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/02/2025 21:26

SD is asking for your sister to be banned from your home, without actually speaking to her or attempting to sort out any actual issue between them? I agree based on this and your gut feeling it seems like she has tried to set them up. Either way you're not the police or the courts, you don't get to decide who to accuse and decide which one of them is lying. Like pp said, you just get to decide what's going to happen to protect both of them going forward

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 21:25

You are of course going to put your sister first and your partner is obviously going to do the same with his daughter, you would both be 100% correct to do that. Question is, where do you go with that....

When is DP home? I think you need to speak with your sister, partner with DSD then you all need to come together calmly to discuss how and if you can all move forward.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 13/02/2025 21:24

It's interesting that the simple answer : your sister sent them - is disregarded over a more complex and elaborate scenario that your SD got into your sisters phone somehow then sent a load of nasty texts and then deleted the evidence. What makes you so sure? That would make your SD highly manipulative wouldn't it?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/02/2025 21:22

Nanny1983 · 13/02/2025 20:19

This .

Regardless of the messages there must be a problem bothering whoever has sent the messages . You need to get to the bottom of what’s going on and you need your DH on board with this .

Show quote history

Agreed.

I think the easiest way to work out who is lying is have a conversation with both of them together.

Can you pick them up after school or have them meet you somewhere like a cafe?
If the girls are face to face you'll be able to tell by the body language who is lying

Occums razor says your sister sent them... but the strange behaviour of both of them suggests its less straightforward
Btw if i had to guess I'd say SD has done something weird and faked messages but my point is you have to bottom it out so you can address it - this kind of behaviour can escalate easily if left unchecked. If it is her shes essentially framing your sister which is quite serious.