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AIBU?

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Original poster

To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

335 replies

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 19:08

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me.

I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby.

They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy.

Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore.
Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self.

I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth.

AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

OP posts:
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Floralnomad · 20/02/2025 15:31

Your latest update sounds very positive , tween / teen girls can be an absolute nightmare so you are not alone .

PixieLaLar · 20/02/2025 15:19

That all sounds sensible and like it’s moving in a positive direction, well done Dsis for admitting wrong doing and wanting to apologise.

Has DSD apologised for lying and stealing someone else’s phone? It sounds a bit one sided in terms of taking accountability. That would be a concern for me.

Beeinalily · 20/02/2025 14:22

Hopefully it's sorted now OP, well done for dealing with it sensibly and sensitively.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 20/02/2025 12:52

Dp is home and has spoken to sd,
seems some of the comments were said by ‘friends’ at school so that is a separate issue that needs to be sorted out.

my sister has admitted saying certain things claiming she was joking and didn’t realise sd was upset but was quick to want to apologise which she has done by text and hopefully as sd has agreed they will be able to see each other at the weekend and we can sort it out.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/02/2025 09:51

ViciousCurrentBun · 17/02/2025 09:18

Unless either child is in danger, I would send them both to their other homes and go and stay by myself and tell them neither is staying till there is an admittance. That the admittance and then a genuine chat between them is the only way forward to either of them staying with you again.

It’s a bit radical and King Solomon like. One of them is lying but you need to question how the situation got so bad.

Plus you not wanting children, having to parent so young has probably meant you have had enough already but feels like the decision was made for you as everyone puts on you.

This is the SD home - it is the OP who has another home. That is I think the crux of the issue

ViciousCurrentBun · 17/02/2025 09:18

Unless either child is in danger, I would send them both to their other homes and go and stay by myself and tell them neither is staying till there is an admittance. That the admittance and then a genuine chat between them is the only way forward to either of them staying with you again.

It’s a bit radical and King Solomon like. One of them is lying but you need to question how the situation got so bad.

Plus you not wanting children, having to parent so young has probably meant you have had enough already but feels like the decision was made for you as everyone puts on you.

Laurmolonlabe · 17/02/2025 09:01

It's obvious you can't be sure who is responsible, so sit them both down together and say if whoever did this doesn't own up and apologise I'm not going to be able to look after either of you SD will go to the grandparents and sister will go back to Mum- it's your choice, and see what they decide- you can't be sure it isn't your sister, thinking she would do it a different way is not evidence, pre teen girls can be very strange, so the only fair thing to do is have neither of them there until this is sorted out.

PixieLaLar · 16/02/2025 22:14

Ok so Dsis is likely to have said a mean thing, I still don’t think that excuses SDs behaviour.

Sneaking around, stealing someone’s phone, lying, then putting on a hysterical performance all to try and banish Dsis from the house. Thats manipulative and way worse than saying a mean thing.

LilacLilias · 16/02/2025 00:00

Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 11:18

Obviously my sister saying any of these things is a problem and she will be talked to and made to apologise.

I do think lying and stealing sisters phone to send them to herself is also a problem and I am annoyed but she is obviously upset so don’t see think it’s helpful to blame her

I think it's possible to support the feelings while maintaining boundaries around acceptable behaviour. Possibly SD needs support to learn ways to communicate stuff she is upset about/big emotions which aren't behaviours that will cause her more trouble e.g. lying/going on other people's phones

GRex · 15/02/2025 21:43

Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 11:18

Obviously my sister saying any of these things is a problem and she will be talked to and made to apologise.

I do think lying and stealing sisters phone to send them to herself is also a problem and I am annoyed but she is obviously upset so don’t see think it’s helpful to blame her

I think you have a good understanding of both girls. Firmly but fairly telling them both that they must behave better is good. With such vulnerable situations for both of them it's hard though, I feel for you. Good luck.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 19:50

I haven’t spoken to sis yet, I can absolutely imagine that she could have said some of the things or at least a mean thing to sd at some point.
sd has said the things were said at different times and that some things weren’t necessarily said by her.
one particular thing she focused on that sis said to her in the last week that I believe happened.

OP posts:
PixieLaLar · 15/02/2025 18:46

ForeverPombear · 15/02/2025 17:35

You might want to read the updates.

SD has admitted to sending them. Dsis has admitted to saying the things to SD. It was both of them.

Show quote history

But there was no evidence or confirmation of Dsis saying anything either, it’s all hearsay from SD as far as I understood? Unless i
missed a vital update.

ForeverPombear · 15/02/2025 17:35

PixieLaLar · 15/02/2025 17:29

It was fairly obvious the SD sent them herself to try and frame OPs Dsis and banish her from the house because she’s jealous.

It’s actually pretty serious what she’s done - stealing someone else’s phone, lying, manipulating. I don’t think this should be brushed under the carpet.

I feel sorry for the Dsis who also doesn’t have a great home life and is a preteen.
Some are so bias towards step children, they can literally do no wrong in some people’s minds it’s ridiculous.

No more childcare while Dads away for work, SD can go to Grandparents like before and OP can stay at her own home to be there for her sister, end of.

You might want to read the updates.

SD has admitted to sending them. Dsis has admitted to saying the things to SD. It was both of them.

PixieLaLar · 15/02/2025 17:29

It was fairly obvious the SD sent them herself to try and frame OPs Dsis and banish her from the house because she’s jealous.

It’s actually pretty serious what she’s done - stealing someone else’s phone, lying, manipulating. I don’t think this should be brushed under the carpet.

I feel sorry for the Dsis who also doesn’t have a great home life and is a preteen.
Some are so bias towards step children, they can literally do no wrong in some people’s minds it’s ridiculous.

No more childcare while Dads away for work, SD can go to Grandparents like before and OP can stay at her own home to be there for her sister, end of.

LilacLilias · 15/02/2025 12:37

Lyraloo · 15/02/2025 10:56

Was I asking your opinion?

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You seem pretty determined to paint OP in a negative light regardless of what's actually happened. You are wrong - deal with it.

ForeverPombear · 15/02/2025 11:30

I'm guessing what has happened is your sister said those things (which she has admitted to) and your SD has thought that you wouldn't believe her if she said that she said those things and it was just her word against your sisters, so to try and create some proof she sent them via your sisters phone.

I think in this situation I'd be going harder on your sister rather than SD. SD needs to understand that it is not okay to do what she did but she was right - you did believe that sister wouldn't say those things.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 11:18

Obviously my sister saying any of these things is a problem and she will be talked to and made to apologise.

I do think lying and stealing sisters phone to send them to herself is also a problem and I am annoyed but she is obviously upset so don’t see think it’s helpful to blame her

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 15/02/2025 11:10

Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 11:08

Sorry if I worded that wrong.

SD is 11, I have been with her dad nearly 5 years, 2/3 of those years I have looked after sd while he worked. I meant there was 8 years before that when he had to find alternative arrangements while he worked away.

Show quote history

Ah, I understand now.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 15/02/2025 11:10

ExercicenformedeZ · 15/02/2025 11:03

If she has admitted to saying the things in person, it is unfair to put the entire blame for the situation on your SD.

Show quote history

I agree this shouldn’t be a blame game situation. However, it should act as a wake up call to OP and her boyfriend that the current arrangement where she moves into his house to care for his DD so frequently just isn’t working.

OP can’t expose herself and her vulnerable sister to further accusations and the sensible option is for the father to make alternative arrangements.

Original poster
Bestofgoodluck · 15/02/2025 11:08

ExercicenformedeZ · 15/02/2025 11:00

Eight years? But you are only twenty six. Have you been dating him since your late teens? Good lord. How old is he!?

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Sorry if I worded that wrong.

SD is 11, I have been with her dad nearly 5 years, 2/3 of those years I have looked after sd while he worked. I meant there was 8 years before that when he had to find alternative arrangements while he worked away.

OP posts:
ExercicenformedeZ · 15/02/2025 11:03

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 21:51

I didn’t accuse SD of lying or suggest she sent them herself. Just that sis says she hadn’t sent anything, that it was weird and we would sort it out. I told her she could tell me if anything else could have happened and was asking if sis had said any of these things in person, she said she had but confessed she didn’t send the texts.

If she has admitted to saying the things in person, it is unfair to put the entire blame for the situation on your SD.

ExercicenformedeZ · 15/02/2025 11:00

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 20:11

You have really misjudged the situation.
There was a whole 8 years where he worked the same job and I wasn’t the childcare, she stayed with her grandparents of he could afford to pay for alternative childcare.
for over 2 of these years we were a couple, he sent away and I was never asked to look after her. I choose to increasingly offer to as I do my sister because I enjoy it. It’s never been expected and asked by me and it’s repeatedly suggested that I don’t have to.

This is also his home.

Show quote history

Eight years? But you are only twenty six. Have you been dating him since your late teens? Good lord. How old is he!?

Lyraloo · 15/02/2025 10:56

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/02/2025 05:53

Because her sister is an important person in her life and something is going on with their mother so that the sister cannot stay there always or "at convenient times". What about all of this is so difficult for you to understand? You sound like the step-daughter (who isn't really a step-daughter since they are not married).

"Sisters before misters." Every time

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Was I asking your opinion?

Lisa46 · 15/02/2025 06:50

As you don’t know for sure who has done it you’d be best staying out of it. Let them sort it out and keep an eye on the situation between them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2025 06:11

Bestofgoodluck · 14/02/2025 20:11

You have really misjudged the situation.
There was a whole 8 years where he worked the same job and I wasn’t the childcare, she stayed with her grandparents of he could afford to pay for alternative childcare.
for over 2 of these years we were a couple, he sent away and I was never asked to look after her. I choose to increasingly offer to as I do my sister because I enjoy it. It’s never been expected and asked by me and it’s repeatedly suggested that I don’t have to.

This is also his home.

Show quote history

Yes it is his home and he needs to be in it every day parenting his child. Your dsd is going to change exponentially over the next few years and he doesn’t have long to get this under control otherwise she could completely go off the rails. These texts were a cry for help. I hope he heeds this.