Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

What part of 'I'm not available on Tuesday' would be unclear?

I agree with you that MIL didn't need to come at all in those circumstances. But even having all the information required, she still decided to come anyway. That was a choice she made, so that's totally on her. She could have made a different choice.

Quite

They are visiting their daughter/sister/aunt/cousin/whatever (possibly a less common occurrence than SIL entertaining MIL) and she has to stop entertaining them to fawn over MIL. And invite the woman in to intrude on their family time?

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable

Nope.Being unavailable is fine. again- she is entitled because she expected MIL to drop a gift on her doorstep without so much as a hello / thanks while she was actually just inside the house entertaining others . That. Is. Beyond. Rude.

MIL doesn't have to go at all though. She doesn't need to come on any day. If the day she can do is not convenient for SIL then DB or SIL can collect them from MIL another day if they want them.

SIL should have declined the gifts that week because she wasn't in a position to accept them politely.

Yes and little thought to her own family who she was unavailable for.

@ThatRubyMoose
Personally I think your Sister in Law is entitled to private time with her own family. Maybe her lot are a nightmare and she’s handling a difficult situation.

However this bit made me cringe:
‘My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.’

Is your mother a child that you have to stop doing things?

Let your mother and SIL do their own thing and stay out of it.

Posters: SIL should tell MIL to come another day as she's busy that day
OP: MIL goes when it's convenient to her
Posters: as she should. SIL wants the free things then she should deal with it

SIL cannot win. She will always be in the wrong with some here

It really isn't rude to be unavailable on a day when you have previously warned someone that you won't be available.

Why she is unavailable, and what she is doing, is irrelevant, and no one else's business.

The OP has also expressly said that her SIL stops work to socialise with the MIL.

OP said that her mother has dropped things off without talking to SIL the rare times SIL has says she was unavailable.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

The only difference now is MIL’s definition of unavailable isn’t the same as SIL’s.

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable.

My guess is MIL is so used to SIL making time for her during these drop-off visits that it never occurred to her that SIL may be unavailable to spend time with other people outside her and her side of the family.

I rather have a DIL like her than a MIL who would choose to perceive a slight after four years of visits and spending time together outside of those visits.

The MIL drops to HER OWN schedule so if SIL cannot do that time it's tough luck for MIL.

READ the thread title. *Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in *
THAT is the issue.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro

Can YOU tell me why MIL knocked? WHY did she need to? Seems like MIL can't say why either.

WHERE did I say it was a burden for SIL to have MIL in?

If that were the motive she wouldn’t bother to drop the gifts on the doorstep when SIL told her she was out would she?

The reason MIL was upset was not because she was missing out on a social event (she was not expecting a social event as she thought SIL was out). She was upset that SIL was rude enough to expect her to leave the gift at the door while she was in fact inside entertaining family, and couldn’t be arsed to even come say hello and thanks , let alone invite her in! She was upset because that is BEYOND RUDE!!!

Also why do you assumed MIL enjoys the social aspect , but that for SIL it’s a burden, despite the fact that OP has expressly said otherwise?

So much projection on this thread.

@Lostcat I didn't make it up, OP literally says in one of her updates on Friday that the day she goes to DIL is determined by the MIL's schedule!

And for the vast majority of the time, this works fine and the DIL is very welcoming.

MIL does not want to come on a different day, and that's fine too, but that's why the DIL didn't suggest it. So no, that wouldn't have made anything clearer as a matter of fact.

If someone who I generally have a good relationship with tells me they aren't available on a given day, then I either wouldn't go that day or I would just drop the items off, a practice which is firmly established as an option in this case. What I wouldn't do is assume that the person is available really and insist on interacting with them.

The MIL loves the social aspect of it, she loves being brought in, given coffee and lunch and being brought out occasionally which is WHY she ran home crying that she WASN'T brought in and entertained so much so she wanted to ring her son to complain. The bloody thread title is complaining that she wasn't brought it. That is the main issue...MIL was upset that she wasn't brought in.

SHE didn't encourage her
MIL comes when it suits her

Delivery free stuff THAT SOMEONE DID NOT ASK FOR is not doing a favour btw.

So weird . What makes you think they didn’t ask for them/ want them? Of course she’s doing them a favour.
Why do you suppose mil is doing this for herself? Why would anyone rational do that. Bizarre.

hopefully they are not pushover and will know how to impose boundaries with you, and their MIL

i will never raise my daughters to be rude, entitled and unpleasant enough to expect people to deliver them free stuff to their door while they are entertaining others inside and be so rude as to not even come to the threshold to say thank you , let alone invite them in 😂😂. They are barely in double digits and not that rude.

The day they are distributed is because of my mother’s ‘schedule’ and sometimes my brother is in when Mum goes to his house. My mother does understand WFH and she does do this herself sometimes

Also MIL determines when the stuff is brought around due to HER schedule.

However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.
So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.
So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue

Going my OP's account the SIL STOPS work to accommodate MIL on a regular basis, they have coffee, lunch and has also taken her out. If she is not available they have an agreement that the "free stuff that precedes SIL" is left on the porch. The night before was one of those times as SIL know she was unable to bring MIL for tea or lunch as she was hosting her family. Who know what is going on in any family and why she wanted or needed privacy but that is NOBODY else's business.

MIL knocks numerous times on the door, SIL answers and is surprised to see MIL there and asks her if she did get the text saying she was not available maybe in case she hasn't see it and got mixed up. MIL knocked TO be brought in, that is in fact why she ran home crying threatening to ring her son and tell on the SIL because she WASN'T invited in.

The woman could not even give a REASON why she knocked when asked because she KNEW why she did, she wanted an invite inside only this time it didn't work in her favour and rightly so.

If someone tells you they are not available, they are NOT available. You don't get to knock anyway because you see activity inside. Fair play to the DIL for sticking to her boundaries and not inviting MIL in. Good on her.

I am just reading the description of the "incident' and the drama that followed.

Delivery free stuff THAT SOMEONE DID NOT ASK FOR is not doing a favour btw. It's like posters so obsessed with their "thoughtful gifts". The DIL sounds more than polite enough about it, interrupting her work day, inviting her MIL for food, taking her out and so on.
For once she didn't cancel everything else, there's a ridiculous over-reaction from the MIL

Attitudes like this fill me with relief I only have daughters. hopefully they are not pushover and will know how to impose boundaries with you, and their MIL>

I did. I also read the bit where the mother has let herself into the brothers house before the arrival of the girlfriend to clean. Or that the sister in law steps away from work for lunches etc when she turns uo
weekly. As if this level of intrusion is completely normal.

These items are.dropped off according to the MIL's schedule, she won't countenance a different day

why are you just making things up?

As the dropoffs pre-date the DIL, it's fair to think that the primary beneficiary is the DS.

So bloody what? It’s not for MIL’s benefit is it?! DS is DIL’s PARTNER. If someone comes and drops free stuff to my house that benefits my partner , I would reciprocate with basic courtesy . Wouldn’t you?? Also apparently the items are meals out and hotel stays. Pretty nice items, that anyone could benefit from/ enjoy wouldn’t you say?

And she did tell MIL. She said she wasn't available that day. How much clearer could she be?

If you are intending to be AT HOME, hosting other people, and you can’t even have the manners to open the door and say thank you to the person going out of her way to do you / your partner a favour by delivering free shit to your door, then you say “please don’t come that day, please come a different day”. That is how much clearer she could have been.

Is this how you treat your MIL? Are so many mumsnetters really this rude , ungrateful and unpleasant in real life?

There is no suggestion that DIL does want then either. As the dropoffs pre-date the DIL, it's fair to think that the primary beneficiary is the DS.

These items are.dropped off according to the MIL's schedule, she won't countenance a different day, and yet despite that the DIL usually invites her in for tea and a chat, sometimes lunch. Given that this is the norm, on the rare occasion that the DIL says she is not available on a Tuesday, the MIL really needs to respect that.

And she did tell MIL. She said she wasn't available that day. How much clearer could she be?

This is so bizarre. If the SIL was busy with another social event her MIL wasn't welcome to attend why the fuck would she encourage her to drive over and drop stuff off outside the house? Where she could see there was event going on that she was excluded from (i guess the free stuff was a priority?!)

A few people short of some brain cells here.

Just do it another time?

Sil has been good to your mother so I would give her ( sil ) the benefit of the doubt in this situation and not make an issue

@Catsbreakfast Have you actually read all of the OP's posts?

Also to invite yourself over every week and expecting to be accommodated despite the fact you know the person is working. That’s just bizarre.