Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:35

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

It’s not obtuseness. It is taking in what OP has said about what happened according to her mum and the relationship between MIL and SIL.

OP says SIL has been absolutely lovely to her mum for four years and has not stopped MIL doing her usual visits and dropping things off for her son that has been done before she moved in. SIL has also welcomed her in with coffee/tea during these times and they have gone out separately. The rare times SIL has said she has been unavailable, her mother has simply dropped things off and it hasn’t been an issue.

Now it is an issue because SIL who said she was unavailable didn’t invite her mum in. That is exactly what OP says in the title and asks others would they have done the same. Even if SIL thanked her (bet SIL did and her mum was more concerned about not being invited in), MIL would have still been upset because she wasn’t allowed in.

Neither OP, MIL or any of us know why. It could be a private family matter that has nothing to do or any concerns with OP or MIL. Regardless of the reason, SIL was well in her right not to invite MIL in nor was it rude not to and MIL could have simply done what she had agreed to and waited until her next visit to ask SIL instead of jumping to conclusions and making herself upset because SIL didn’t invite her in this one time, despite her tellling her before she was unavailable.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:32

Why? Because she wasn’t available and was forced away from her guests? That isn’t rudeness. Please look up rude too.

MIL was extremely rude

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:33

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:28

fawn

nutty bongo.

It's a freebie MIL brings almost weekly

It's lost all meaning by this point beyond a "Oh cheers again" text

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:33

At the end of the day MIL didn’t get her invite in. She’s pissed off.
Maybe SIL didn’t mention she would be busy with family she KNEW MIL would invite herself in to ‘say hello’ so she said unavailable which, in fact, she was. Maybe DIL family were not up for seeing MIL. Who knows?

MIL does not call the shots of when she gets to be entertained or hosted. She was told UNAVAILABLE but she did her utmost to muscle in anyway by banging on the door until SIL finally answered because SHE WANTED TO BE BROUGHT IN, not because she wanted to hand over the stuff personally.

READ the thread title, THAT is the issue, the fact she wasn’t brought in and she was sore so ran home crying and wanting to ring her son to complain THAT SHE WASN’T BROUGHT IN!

Not today MIL. Sorry. Like I said .. UNAVAILABLE.

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:32

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:29

SIL’s behaviour was exceptionally rude

Why? Because she wasn’t available and was forced away from her guests? That isn’t rudeness. Please look up rude too.

MIL was extremely rude

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:29

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:27

please look up the word unavailable in the dictionary because I think you’re having a brain fart moment.

SIL has no obligation to explain why she unavailable

SIL’s behaviour was exceptionally rude

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:28

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:25

She was BUSY with other people

It would have been rude to then to leave them alone whilst she went to fawn over someone who'd already been told she wasn't available

fawn

nutty bongo.

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:27

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

please look up the word unavailable in the dictionary because I think you’re having a brain fart moment.

SIL has no obligation to explain why she unavailable

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:25

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

She was BUSY with other people

It would have been rude to then to leave them alone whilst she went to fawn over someone who'd already been told she wasn't available

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:23

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:19

I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable

This was exactly why she told her she was unavailable without elaborating, she wanted MIL to come, leave the stuff and piss off again.. that was the rude part IMO, she should have given MIL the options and let her decide for herself rather than let her turn up under false pretences.

WHAT false pretense?

SIL said she was unavailable. MIL still turned up. SIL was unavailable because she was busy with other people.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:21

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 13:29

It wasn’t rude the other times, OP literally says it wasn’t and there was no issue, yet this time is different?

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

MIL was perfectly fine with this until she saw that others were inside.

Edited

Because she was inside the house entertaining other family and couldn’t even be arsed to say hello/ thanks when someone was kindly dropping a gift at her door!

I cannot fathom how people don’t understand how that is rude.
The levels of obtuseness are above and beyond.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:20

This time, SIL was quite obviously available

Wrong

She was obviously UNAVAILABLE as she was entertaining guests

It's not on you to judge what is an acceptable reason

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:19

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:11

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable.

What utter nonsense.

Someone telling you they’re unavailable means that they’re unavailable to you. No other explanation was needed/ nor should have been warranted.

SIL was unavailable to MIL. I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable, hence her being surprised that MIL knocked in the door and asking her if she has received her message.

OP may say her mum isn’t intrusive but that doesn’t mean SIL should have to include her in her time with her own family.

I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable

This was exactly why she told her she was unavailable without elaborating, she wanted MIL to come, leave the stuff and piss off again.. that was the rude part IMO, she should have given MIL the options and let her decide for herself rather than let her turn up under false pretences.

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:18

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:12

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

Because MIL knew the previous times that she physically couldn't come to the door (because of being in a teams meeting or being out), so based on that was happy to just leave the items in the porch for her instead.

This time, SIL was quite obviously available, she just didn't want to be disturbed instead (which is very different IMO) and she obviously didn't want MIL coming anywhere near her family.. MIL had no idea this was the case until she turned up at the door.

Without the information that SIL 'didn't want to be disturbed' MIL decided to knock to do the hand over instead, absolutely nothing wrong with that assumption IMO, and SIL should have been a bit more gracious about it considering it was a misunderstanding based on an lack of information.

I'm pretty sure if SIL had been considerate enough to tell MIL why she would be unable to come to the door and asked her if she could still drop off or if she would prefer to rearrange? MIL would have chosen to just leave the items in the porch and there would have been no misunderstanding on her part whatsoever.

Again, making SIL have to explain her plans to MIL when unavailable should be more than enough.

A zoom call is talking and giving attention to someone. It really comes down to MIL wanting to be allowed in when SIL didn’t meet her requirement/view of unavailable.

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:12

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 13:29

It wasn’t rude the other times, OP literally says it wasn’t and there was no issue, yet this time is different?

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

MIL was perfectly fine with this until she saw that others were inside.

Edited

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

Because MIL knew the previous times that she physically couldn't come to the door (because of being in a teams meeting or being out), so based on that was happy to just leave the items in the porch for her instead.

This time, SIL was quite obviously available, she just didn't want to be disturbed instead (which is very different IMO) and she obviously didn't want MIL coming anywhere near her family.. MIL had no idea this was the case until she turned up at the door.

Without the information that SIL 'didn't want to be disturbed' MIL decided to knock to do the hand over instead, absolutely nothing wrong with that assumption IMO, and SIL should have been a bit more gracious about it considering it was a misunderstanding based on an lack of information.

I'm pretty sure if SIL had been considerate enough to tell MIL why she would be unable to come to the door and asked her if she could still drop off or if she would prefer to rearrange? MIL would have chosen to just leave the items in the porch and there would have been no misunderstanding on her part whatsoever.

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:11

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 13:39

Yes but she doesn't mind if SIL is working. Working is fair enough.

But to declare herself "unavailable" with no elaboration meant that MIL was always going to arrive there expecting SIL to be working and then see/hear people in the house. She might well have assumed that plans had changed as a result. I certainly wouldn't think it reasonable to ban family from knocking my door unless I was incapable of answering.

DM's then left feeling like a mug for taking gifts to leave in a porch because SIL is clearly there although isn't prepared to take 10 seconds to say hello and thank you. If there is a reason she couldn't say hello then she should have explained before or while answering the door, which would have prevented all of this.

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable. Sometimes you're just choosing not to be there, and that's a different matter to having a work meeting.

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable.

What utter nonsense.

Someone telling you they’re unavailable means that they’re unavailable to you. No other explanation was needed/ nor should have been warranted.

SIL was unavailable to MIL. I also bet that SIL thought that MIL would simply do the same thing she has done when SIL has been unavailable, hence her being surprised that MIL knocked in the door and asking her if she has received her message.

OP may say her mum isn’t intrusive but that doesn’t mean SIL should have to include her in her time with her own family.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:58

PinkArt · 16/02/2025 13:56

It's interesting how differently everyone sees the nature of being unavailable. A lot of people seem to see hosting her own family as a lesser unavailable than working. She can't be interrupted on a work call but she can be interrupted when talking to her nan, when the DIL rightly puts them on an equal footing availability-wise.

It speaks a lot of the culture of work over family which is sad

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:57

Clearly some people here think they are entitled to being told other people's plans so they can judge if they have an "acceptable" reason not to see them

PinkArt · 16/02/2025 13:56

It's interesting how differently everyone sees the nature of being unavailable. A lot of people seem to see hosting her own family as a lesser unavailable than working. She can't be interrupted on a work call but she can be interrupted when talking to her nan, when the DIL rightly puts them on an equal footing availability-wise.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:53

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 13:39

Yes but she doesn't mind if SIL is working. Working is fair enough.

But to declare herself "unavailable" with no elaboration meant that MIL was always going to arrive there expecting SIL to be working and then see/hear people in the house. She might well have assumed that plans had changed as a result. I certainly wouldn't think it reasonable to ban family from knocking my door unless I was incapable of answering.

DM's then left feeling like a mug for taking gifts to leave in a porch because SIL is clearly there although isn't prepared to take 10 seconds to say hello and thank you. If there is a reason she couldn't say hello then she should have explained before or while answering the door, which would have prevented all of this.

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable. Sometimes you're just choosing not to be there, and that's a different matter to having a work meeting.

No

Unavailable is Unavailable. All that she needs to know is SIL is Unavailable. Simple as. Expecting any more is intrusive and demanding.

If she wanted to see SIL then arrange a different day when you've been told she's Unavailable

I can tell someone I'm Unavailable to meet because I've made plans to do Fuck All that day. I'm still Unavailable because I have plans, just because those plans aren't me leaving the house or being at work doesn't mean I am lying. It's not different to a work meeting

And, as SIL was entertaining other guests, then yes it is like a work meeting in that it's not appropriate to invade that space

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 13:52

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 13:17

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable

Nope.Being unavailable is fine. again- she is entitled because she expected MIL to drop a gift on her doorstep without so much as a hello / thanks while she was actually just inside the house entertaining others . That. Is. Beyond. Rude.

MIL is beyond rude to have persistently bashed on the door despite being informed the SIL was unavailable that day. Rude, intrusive behaviour. And to go home crying and have to be stopped calling her son is acting like a spoilt childish brat.

she takes the free crap over to suit her schedule, she has been accommodated by SIL for 4 years. I think SIL is allowed one week off without having to explain what she is doing

Why is SIL the go between for the feee shit which pre-dated SILs arrival on the scene? bet her son can do no wrong!!

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 13:39

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:25

MIL can equally say "oh if you aren't available this week, I'll keep the items until next week and bring them all at once"

As these aren't apparently time sensitive freebies. She is the one who is insisting on weekly drop offs. It would be easier for her all round to do a fortnightly/monthly drop off

Yes but she doesn't mind if SIL is working. Working is fair enough.

But to declare herself "unavailable" with no elaboration meant that MIL was always going to arrive there expecting SIL to be working and then see/hear people in the house. She might well have assumed that plans had changed as a result. I certainly wouldn't think it reasonable to ban family from knocking my door unless I was incapable of answering.

DM's then left feeling like a mug for taking gifts to leave in a porch because SIL is clearly there although isn't prepared to take 10 seconds to say hello and thank you. If there is a reason she couldn't say hello then she should have explained before or while answering the door, which would have prevented all of this.

Declaring yourself unavailable is not the same as actually being unavailable. Sometimes you're just choosing not to be there, and that's a different matter to having a work meeting.

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 13:29

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 13:17

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable

Nope.Being unavailable is fine. again- she is entitled because she expected MIL to drop a gift on her doorstep without so much as a hello / thanks while she was actually just inside the house entertaining others . That. Is. Beyond. Rude.

It wasn’t rude the other times, OP literally says it wasn’t and there was no issue, yet this time is different?

Why was it not rude or entitled then when MIL was perfectly ok with it, but it’s rude now?

MIL was perfectly fine with this until she saw that others were inside.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:27

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 13:17

You’re choosing to make SIL out as entitled because this one single time out of FOUR years she didn’t allow MIL in when SIL clearly said she was unavailable

Nope.Being unavailable is fine. again- she is entitled because she expected MIL to drop a gift on her doorstep without so much as a hello / thanks while she was actually just inside the house entertaining others . That. Is. Beyond. Rude.

Busy entertaining others IS being unavailable

Dropping off in to the porch is an established practise for them regarding SIL being unavailable

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 13:25

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 13:08

MIL doesn't have to go at all though. She doesn't need to come on any day. If the day she can do is not convenient for SIL then DB or SIL can collect them from MIL another day if they want them.

SIL should have declined the gifts that week because she wasn't in a position to accept them politely.

MIL can equally say "oh if you aren't available this week, I'll keep the items until next week and bring them all at once"

As these aren't apparently time sensitive freebies. She is the one who is insisting on weekly drop offs. It would be easier for her all round to do a fortnightly/monthly drop off