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Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 15:16

READ THE THREAD TITLE!!!!

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro

The reason she is upset is because she was NOT invited in!!

At this stage I think there is something seriously wrong with your reading comprehension.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 15:16

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 15:09

If any of my kids were "entertaining*" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.

I'm not raising kids like that.

*Is it even entertaining? When family visit us they're here, doing normal stuff, it's not a dinner party.

Well, we don't know which family members it was, why they were visiting or how often they visit
It might have been a catch up that hasn't happened for months (unlike MIL who visits weekly), family over from abroad, important family business...

Any reason why it wasn't just a "normal" family visit and why it was inappropriate for MIL to join

Presumably a thank you is sent via text on the odd occasion that SIL doesn't stop her whole life to spend time with MIL

AssassinsBlade · 16/02/2025 15:15

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:13

which was what she wanted

it isn’t though. She thought DIL was out. If what she wanted was to be “brought in” she would have suggested another time when she thought DIL was in. She wanted to leave gifts for her son/ DIL; she had no idea DIL was in fact at home and was expecting to treat MIL with such rudeness. Hence MIL’s surprise and upset.

Edited

The fact that MIL is upset she wasn’t invited in is the entire point of this thread!

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 15:14

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 15:09

If any of my kids were "entertaining*" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.

I'm not raising kids like that.

*Is it even entertaining? When family visit us they're here, doing normal stuff, it's not a dinner party.

You really think SIL decided not to thank MIL this one time. Sure.

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 15:13

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 15:09

If any of my kids were "entertaining*" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.

I'm not raising kids like that.

*Is it even entertaining? When family visit us they're here, doing normal stuff, it's not a dinner party.

How do you know what's going on in SIL Family? How do you know the circumstances of the visit? Maybe it was not appropriate, maybe the in laws had something going on. MAYBE THEY WERE DEALING WITH PRIVATE FAMILY BUSINESS.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:13

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 15:06

She was unavailable to bring MIL in which was what she wanted.

which was what she wanted

it isn’t though. She thought DIL was out. If what she wanted was to be “brought in” she would have suggested another time when she thought DIL was in. She wanted to leave gifts for her son/ DIL; she had no idea DIL was in fact at home and was expecting to treat MIL with such rudeness. Hence MIL’s surprise and upset.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 15:11

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:02

It did work for her though, only she expected to treat mil like the dpd driver. If it didn’t work for her she’d have told MIL not to come/ trouble herself . She didn’t . Instead, She expected MIL to deliver the gifts on the doorstep while she was evidently at home entertaining others . Which was very rude.

Edited

It did NOT work for her because she had other guests

Other guests are entitled to SIL's attention too

And leaving in the porch is the established procedure for when SIL is Unavailable

Just because you judge her excuse to not be acceptable doesn't mean it is

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 15:11

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:02

It did work for her though, only she expected to treat mil like the dpd driver. If it didn’t work for her she’d have told MIL not to come/ trouble herself . She didn’t . Instead, She expected MIL to deliver the gifts on the doorstep while she was evidently at home entertaining others . Which was very rude.

Edited

My mother is totally fine with dropping stuff off without going in

Unless there is a visit going on that she was not invited to it seems.

@Lostcat can you give a reason as why she would knock other than wanting to come in?

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:10

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 15:09

If any of my kids were "entertaining*" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.

I'm not raising kids like that.

*Is it even entertaining? When family visit us they're here, doing normal stuff, it's not a dinner party.

If any of my kids were "entertaining" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.
I'm not raising kids like that.*Exactly this,

TheWonderhorse · 16/02/2025 15:09

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 15:03

I’m not.

I am surprised so many think it’s ok to be upset enough to tattle on someone’s spouse because you weren’t allowed to intrude on their time with their own family, you haven’t met yet.

Considering how much MIL and SIL get on, SIL probably has her reasons and/or it wasn’t a great time to introduce them, but of course that doesn’t matter to some on here. It’s all about the freebies 🙄.

Edited

If any of my kids were "entertaining*" me, and I saw their MIL leaving them expensive gifts in the porch and scuttling off without a thank you having been instructed not to knock under any circumstances, I would be horrified.

I'm not raising kids like that.

*Is it even entertaining? When family visit us they're here, doing normal stuff, it's not a dinner party.

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 15:06

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:02

It did work for her though, only she expected to treat mil like the dpd driver. If it didn’t work for her she’d have told MIL not to come/ trouble herself . She didn’t . Instead, She expected MIL to deliver the gifts on the doorstep while she was evidently at home entertaining others . Which was very rude.

Edited

She was unavailable to bring MIL in which was what she wanted.

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 15:03

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:53

Can't believe how many people think they are entitled to judge what is acceptable as "unavailable"

I’m not.

I am surprised so many think it’s ok to be upset enough to tattle on someone’s spouse because you weren’t allowed to intrude on their time with their own family, you haven’t met yet.

Considering how much MIL and SIL get on, SIL probably has her reasons and/or it wasn’t a great time to introduce them, but of course that doesn’t matter to some on here. It’s all about the freebies 🙄.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 15:02

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:55

MIL was expected to leave the item in the porch because it was the time she could drop off but it didn't work for SIL

It did work for her though, only she expected to treat mil like the dpd driver. If it didn’t work for her she’d have told MIL not to come/ trouble herself . She didn’t . Instead, She expected MIL to deliver the gifts on the doorstep while she was evidently at home entertaining others . Which was very rude.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:55

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:52

She did expect it. She knew she was coming and was expecting her to deliver the freebies while she was inside entertaining others.

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive: The expected counterattack never happened. The painting sold for three times the expected price.

MIL was expected to leave the item in the porch because it was the time she could drop off but it didn't work for SIL

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:53

Can't believe how many people think they are entitled to judge what is acceptable as "unavailable"

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:52

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

She doesn’t expect it. This is the ONLY day she brings all this stuff for her son. As mentioned by the OP.

It is a weekly thing, and on this occasion SIL was UNAVAILABLE. Of which she doesn’t need to explain why.

She did expect it. She knew she was coming and was expecting her to deliver the freebies while she was inside entertaining others.

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive: The expected counterattack never happened. The painting sold for three times the expected price.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:51

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

Because it's NOT MIL'S FUCKING BUSINESS WHY SHE'S UNAVAILABLE!

FFS

She is not entitled to know WHY. She has been told SIL is Unavailable. She can make the decision whether to leave in the porch or not off the bit of information she needed to have and was given

She WAS unavailable. She doesn't have to have it justified or judged as to whether it was "acceptably" unavailable

MIL didn't need to knock because she had been told SIL was unavailable. She made a choice to knock.

Thirteenblackcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

Edited

She doesn’t expect it. This is the ONLY day she brings all this stuff for her son. As mentioned by the OP.

It is a weekly thing, and on this occasion SIL was UNAVAILABLE. Of which she doesn’t need to explain why.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:51

😂😂😂 she expected her drop them in the porch, like times before when she was unavailable which OP mentioned was no issue on either the times before OR the time in question.

There was no other time where she expected her MIL to deliver gifts to her door while she was obviously in entertaining other family. This is the first time that happened and it was very rude.

It’s perfectly possible to have boundaries without being rude and entitled and treating your MIL like the DPD driver (except without the pay) 😂

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:47

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

Edited

MIL is an adult. She can say "Oh if you're unavailable then I'll bring them another time" if she doesn't want to leave things in the porch

phoenixrosehere · 16/02/2025 14:47

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

It’s not confusing unless you believe people need to tell you why they’re unavailable.

MIL has dropped things off before during a zoom call where SIL would be inside and as OP has said, it’s the not inviting her in that is the crux of the matter.

Considering how MIL reacted, what makes you think she wouldn’t have had the same reaction if SIL had told her she was going to be unavailable because she was having her own family over and not including MIL?

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:45

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

Edited

😂😂😂 she expected her drop them in the porch, like times before when she was unavailable which OP mentioned was no issue on either the times before OR the time in question.

MIL saw activity and wanted in that house and did her best to do so. It didn’t go in her favour and I love that for her. You don’t get to invite yourself into other peoples’s visits by banging the door down. Lesson in there for her. Boundaries are put in place for people who don’t have any.

sandyhappypeople · 16/02/2025 14:41

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 16/02/2025 14:23

WHAT false pretense?

SIL said she was unavailable. MIL still turned up. SIL was unavailable because she was busy with other people.

so why not say that? Why give the reason you give when you are working or out.. which is what MIL obviously expected when she agreed to drop the things in the porch.

'unavailable' to MIL means SIL can't come to the door, but unavailable this time meant she could, she just didn't want to.. fair enough but if you don't want to confuse people then try being a little more concise.

SIL didn't want her knocking, so she needed to ask her specifically not to knock.. or let her re-arrange on that basis, not just assume she would blindly follow instructions like a DPD driver.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:39

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:37

She didn’t expect, she was told they were being dripped off. MIL chooses the dates and times.

She absolutely did expect. She knew mil was coming and expected her to just drop them off while she was obviously at home entertaining others

expected adjective [before noun] (WAITED FOR)believed to be going to happen or arrive:

somedayforoneday · 16/02/2025 14:37

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 14:35

No , again, she was exceptionally rude because she expected MIL to drop off gifts on her doorstep while she was obviously at home entertaining other family. she thinks mil is the postman/ santa,

Edited

She didn’t expect, she was told they were being dripped off. MIL chooses the dates and times.