Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

@Thirteenblackcat You are taking this very personally, are you the sister in law?

You don't know anything about the family circumstances either

Calm down love

Well when SIL said she was “unavailable” it really meant in this case meant that she wasn’t able to serve lunch, elevenses or coffee, or to drive her to a garden centre or stately home. Her unavailability stretched to an hour or two, not the mere 10 seconds you are going on about here

The fact that she was available, but didn't want to see her.

"Unavailable" essentially means "I have chosen not to take ten seconds talk to you today" in this context. Which, when you think she's dropping off high end gifts for them, is rude.

As she had warned her MIL the day before she wouldn't be.

Woman who had warned her MIL the previous day that she wouldn't be available turns out to, indeed, not be available. I'm struggling to see the rudeness in that scenario...

Great summation of the post 👏🏼

No, she didn't. MIL always comes on a Tuesday Because that' what suits her. MIL has frequently left the stuff in the porch in the past and the OP makes it very clear there is no issue in her doing so. Equally she could have decided not to come at all - perfectly reasonable decision in the circumstances.

The only, only, difference is that this time the MIL decided, on seeing people running around in the house, that DIL was available after all. That is unreasonable, and not her decision to make.

Imagine your face

Your MIL just bangs at your door, and when you open "I saw that you have company, friends or family, so here I am! " 😂😂

And when you don't invite her to join the party, she goes crying to her other kids threatening to make a scene and call your husband.

Priceless. And completely bonkers

Do you know SILs family? Maybe there are reasons they haven’t been introduced, you know nothing

edited to add: my in laws had met my family numerous times, in some instances, depending on the situation they are an outsider and they are not entitled to know our family business.

@Thirteenblackcat She wouldn't have been an outsider if sil had bothered her arse introducing them over the last four years. It doesn't sound like anything dramatic when the kids were running up and down

MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock

SIL asked her to come and bring the stuff.

it was here:

As for calling my brother, I think she wanted to know why SiL was upset and if she’d done something.

You're missing the bit that she was given permission to come to the house on that day but only to leave high end gifts on the doorstep. SIL wasn't available to say thanks.

So here we have a woman who most Tuesdays takes time out from her working day to invite her MIL in, give her food and drink, have a chat etc. On other occasions they will watch telly together or go on a trip organised by the DIL.

On this particular Tuesday the DIL has told the MIL in advance that she won't be available. MIL has ignored this and proceeded to not only come to the house anyway but knock - more than once - on DIL's door, having presumably decided in her own mind that DIL is available.after all.

And DIL is the rude one? 😂😂

Any number of private situations could have been happening which SIL family could have been uncomfortable with an outsider being present. My Dad came to my house to tell me he had been diagnosed with cancer, I would not have liked my MIL barging in on this very distressing and private situation

OP said SIL was surprised and then in a much later post that MIL said SIL was upset along with what she would have done in SIL’s place which is basically give information that MIL isn’t entitled to. Neither OP, her mum, or the rest of us can say she was upset since we are not inside SIL’s mind and MIL could have easily assumed SIL was upset with her due to not being invited in.

OP says SiL is a genuinely, nice, straightforward woman who has a genuine friendship with her mother so I again doubt SIL hadn’t said thank you or was upset with MIL. If she is as straightforward as OP claims she is, MIL wouldn’t be wondering if she had done something wrong.

I think it's bizarre that she didn't invite her in to meet her family

She opened the door and why do you think she wouldn’t have thanked her?

Because instead of thanking her, she bluntly asked her if she hadn't received her text, and was (according to OP) upset with MIL at that point.

She could have answered the door, said 'thanks MIL, I've got my family round today so I'll catch up with next week etc' but instead she chose to berate her for not following her instructions like she is an employee rather than a family member.

If SIL had been gracious at the door, and MIL chose to stand there and be upset about not being let in then I would 100% be saying she was unreasonable and would fully agree with others on here, the fact that she wasn't sure what was happening and knocked to hand over the gifts instead IMO doesn't deserve such a bad attitude, it was a mistake anyone could make and she should have been given the benefit of the doubt.

Where does it say SIL was annoyed? I’ve been through OPs posts and can’t see where it says this. It does say SIL was surprised but not annoyed. if I’ve missed this glad to be told I’m mistaken

Also, OP has said

“We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions”

so there you go, MIL realises she shouldn’t have rudely knocked. That’s for you too
@Lostcat

She opened the door and why do you think she wouldn’t have thanked her?

Doubt they would have such a nice relationship if SIL never thanked her and I highly doubt she didn’t this time and bet that MIL was more concerned and upset about not being invited in and introduced. Think OP would have also mentioned a lack of thanks or if SIL didn’t thank her mum for these gifts.

Why does someone need to be told not to knock if they already have been told the person is unavailable?

SIL was surprised MIL was knocking because she very much likely thought like the other rare times MIL would just leave the item there as she has done when SIL has been unavailable (zoom call).

MIL knew SIL was unavailable and could have changed the day of drop-off or texted that she had dropped things off and talk to SIL later.

Regardless, that is beside the point when OP is asking if others would have invited her mother in even if they said they were unavailable.

MIL took it personally to not be invited in hence her wondering if she did something wrong or upset SIL when really it could be nothing to do with her and some family stuff going on that SIL hasn’t shared yet.

I don’t know why some are acting as if there isn’t a reason some people would not want to allow people in and/or introduce their family members to their boyfriend’s mum and it not be anything to do with the mum.

There's two issues at play here though.

There is seeing that someone is in and knocking to hand something over.. IMO totally fine and SIL is rude not to just open the door and say thank you, it's common courtesy, it was entitled to ask MIL to put it in the porch in the first place knowing she was in and able to take it off her at the doorstep.

Then there is knocking and having an expectation of being invited in.. even though you have been told that person isn't available to spend time with you that day.. in which case MIL is entitled for expecting that.

MIL can be upset about being treated like a second class citizen, not good enough to even open the door for, but she can't really be upset about not being invited in when there was no expectation that she would be.

Why is it stupid? Just because I live with a man it doesn't mean I have to make myself available to him. It's keeping clear boundaries and he's intrusive if he wants to find out why I won't talk to him.

I can be physically there but not engage if it doesn't suit me.

MIL does have agency here though, @Lostcat. No one is forcing her to go on a Tuesday, she chooses to do that because it suits her. She could choose a different day or, indeed, not to go at all. That would be perfectly reasonable imo. And if her DS and DIL want the freebies that badly, they can go and get them at a time convenient to the MIL.

But having chosen to still make the trip when she'been told in advance that DIL wouldn't be available she can't later complain about the DIL being, you know, unavailable.

She's not entitled to know why, and SIL didn't need to tell her why.. but she does need to tell her not to knock if it is important to SIL that she doesn't knock.

SIL is the one annoyed, if you're really so upset that a family member has knocked on your door, you need to tell them not to knock.. not just vaguely say 'I'm not available' when it is quite clear once MIL turned up that in this instance she is available, she just doesn;t want to come to the door (which MIL was unaware of).. it's confusing as it is the first time it has happened in 4 years.

I'm not sure why people are getting so het up, it's a communication issue, SIL is annoyed because she didn't communicate sufficiently what her expectation was.

Imagine getting so upset that someone bringing you free gift has the audacity to actually knock and hand them over instead of silently leaving them.

I disagree with your rationale. Let’s leave it at that.

but well done you on discovering the online dictionary, look it up on the word unavailable would ya