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Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
ERthree · 13/02/2025 20:16

Your SIL is rude.

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2025 20:14

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:04

GIVING NOTICE! Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba? Just let the woman in, say hello, have a cuppa then she can go. She's happy enough to accept the FREEBIES every other week. No respect some people. Family is family.

It’s not the first time MIL dropped things off while SIL was unavailable. OP literally says that it wasn’t an issue before including SIL being on a Zoom call so why is it one now?

Not a problem when SIL is at home talking to someone on a computer, yet because she has actual people over, it is.

BlwyddynNewydd · 13/02/2025 20:14

I think she's rude. She's happy for your mum to drop of freebies. But didn't want her to come in. Why didn't she arrange for a diff day, asking her to drop and run is a bit rude

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 13/02/2025 20:14

Your SIL sounds like a dream. She has been lovely spending time with her, going to garden centres etc.

SIL is perfectly entitled to spend time with her own family alone.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 13/02/2025 20:13

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.
She already overstayed hed welcome by knocking. SIL does a lot with your mum, she's entitled to also do things without her including family visits.

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:13

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

A heart and a soul? Maybe the woman’s son should be one to entertain her for a change! Why is it always the wives and girlfriends who are expected to pander to everyone?
Block the mother from coming in? Her son wasn’t there, so what business does she have in the house?

Niallig32839 · 13/02/2025 20:13

I think sil was rude and it’s strange she didn’t say I have so and so over so not the best time but feel free to pop over and say hi and invite her in. Mil would I’d assume say hi, drop off what she needs, be offered a cup of tea but know it’s not ideal to stay and be on her way with no one’s feelings being hurt, no one inconvenienced and not a second thought about it all.

tillytown · 13/02/2025 20:13

Why is the MIL going around during the day instead of when her son is there? Doesn't your mum know how disruptive she is being by going around during work hours, or does she just not care? The gf sounds really nice, MIL sounds completely overbearing. But all means let your mum confront your brother about it, maybe then he'll put a stop to the work day visits and the gf won't have to deal with this anymore.

CaptainFuture · 13/02/2025 20:13

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

So sil is subordinate to mil and has to do what she wants, when she wants regardless?

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 13/02/2025 20:13

PinkArt · 13/02/2025 18:59

SIL said she wasn't available because she wasn't available, she was hosting her family. It sounds like she already hosts your mum loads, without your brother there - she stops working once a week/ fortnight to entertain her and goes on days out on top of that (incidentally, does your brother does the same back for her mum?). She hasn't done anything wrong here.

Yes I’m another one who completely agrees with this. SIL goes out of her way to invite her over/out with her. If she doesn’t see her own family as much, I don’t think it’s wrong that she didn’t invite MIL in. ESPECIALLY as she’d already said “heads up, I’m not available so please just drop it off”. She’d essentially already said “I’m entertaining another group so I can’t really host you”.

OP, are you SIL? You sound lovely. But my MIL got her nose out of joint once over a slight, and despite me regularly going for lunch/coffee with her before that without DP, she now can be a bit frosty. Years of great relationship torpedoed because I wasn’t available once for her. We still get on, but she’s holding on to the negative.

Peclet · 13/02/2025 20:13

It’s just, offish/cold,antisocial to behave like SIL.

I think any other person would have said

Oh my sister and kids are calling round today, can we do another day so you can stop in, it will be manic here

all upfront and pleasant. Nothing hidden.

badly done by SIL imo.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 20:12

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

If your mum wants that excellent relationship with SIL and DB ruining tell her to go right on ahead and call him with her complaints.
TBH I think your mum is treading on very thin ice, because if she’d knocked on my door when I asked her to leave things in the porch after telling her I was not available I would’ve let her know I was very displeased. The fact she then expected to be invited in when is unacceptable. SIL is entitled to private time with family and your mother was downright rude, she’s not ‘entitled’ to be included in everything

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:12

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

It's not the MILs fucking house, she doesn't get a say.

FKAT · 13/02/2025 20:11

5 pages in and we still haven't had anyone asking if your Mum declares these freebies as a taxable benefit on her P11D.

MN's gone to the dogs.

DeepFatFried · 13/02/2025 20:11

Does SIL ASK for these freebies?

It seems like MIL texts and says she is bringing them and then comes in for chat/ coffee / lunch.

Does your brother have his day or evening interrupted with these deliveries?

If I knew someone was working, running their business, I would send a message saying “I’ve left a bag of xxxx in your porch / behind your bin”. I would never presume to interrupt them with something I decided to drop off.

If your brother and SIL call her and say “oooh, have you got any loaves or fishes this week?, could you drop them off on your way home?” that’s different.

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:11

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:05

She wasn’t free for a cuppa, how hard is that for you to understand?

Shows what kind of person you are..So you also live a house your DH bought and then block his Mother from coming into the house because of really really important and significant PLANS. Do me a favour. Have a heart and soul, it's free

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 13/02/2025 20:10

Whoa I think that was so weird of the sil 😄

They're supposed to be close and practically family - it's so weird to try to hide her family from your mum

I'd be upset too, op, yanbu x

Completelyjo · 13/02/2025 20:10

LittleWeasel · 13/02/2025 20:08

I don’t particularly like my MIL but if she dropped round to drop off some stuff I would invite in for a cuppa and introduce her to other guests.

SIL is rude and grasping for the freebies, imo.

Even if you were about to rush out to a birthday lunch? Or had your sister over to discuss her plans to leave her husband? Or discuss whether it’s time for your mother to be moved to a home?

SIL made it clear in advance she wasn’t available, you have no idea what she was doing or whether or not it was appropriate for the MIL to drop in. Given the fact that the SIL made it clear she didn’t want her as a guest it’s pretty likely it wasn’t an appropriate time for MIL to crash for a cup of tea and an introduction.

Woolftown · 13/02/2025 20:10

I think your SIL was rude. Quite a big differences to asking your DM to leave things in the porch when she is not in to when she is in. She could have explained she was entertaining her family otherwise it comes across as treating your DM quite poorly.

DreamW3aver · 13/02/2025 20:09

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:04

GIVING NOTICE! Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba? Just let the woman in, say hello, have a cuppa then she can go. She's happy enough to accept the FREEBIES every other week. No respect some people. Family is family.

The MIL isn't her family, the people in the house with her are. No one is entitled to be invited in when they've been told quite clearly that the other person isn't free at that time

Is the woman not allowed to choose who she has in her own home and when?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:08

ConstanceM · 13/02/2025 20:04

GIVING NOTICE! Who does she think she is, the Queen of Sheba? Just let the woman in, say hello, have a cuppa then she can go. She's happy enough to accept the FREEBIES every other week. No respect some people. Family is family.

She doesn't owe anyone her time especially if she's already said she's busy, why would anyone knock on someone's door if they've been told by the occupant they're busy, you don't get to decide otherwise because it doesn't qualify as busy in your tiny mind.

Let's also not pretend that MIL gives these freebies for SILs benefit! She's been dropping these things off for her son long before SIL lived there, perhaps MIL can wait until her son is in and hand deliver them to him instead.

BeMoreAmandaland · 13/02/2025 20:08

Technically, your SIL hasn't done anything wrong, however given that she's been with your brother for so long, lives with him and especially when she has a good relationship with your mum, it was rude of her not to invite her in to say hello.

Not a hill I would die on however.

CaptainFuture · 13/02/2025 20:08

TomatoSandwiches · 13/02/2025 20:01

Maybe SIL doesn't even consider the freebies hers or is bothered about them at all, ops mother had been leaving them at ops brothers house long before SIL turned up.
The point is that SIL is being generous to MIL inviting her in and taking time for her most of the time, she even takes her to garden centers and days out, that's not " putting up with " behaviour, she sounds genuinely kind but clearly needed or wanted private time with her own family.

This, how many posts do you see on here about people being frustrated with family dumping unwanted crap on them!

LittleWeasel · 13/02/2025 20:08

I don’t particularly like my MIL but if she dropped round to drop off some stuff I would invite in for a cuppa and introduce her to other guests.

SIL is rude and grasping for the freebies, imo.

PinkArt · 13/02/2025 20:08

DeepFatFried · 13/02/2025 19:24

I’d love to hear SIL’s version of this.

Why do these frequent deliveries have to happen in the middle of the working day? I wonder how much more often your SIL would really like to say she is unavailable.

Maybe SIL is sick of intrusion and overbearance. Maybe her own Mum is feeling that she doesn’t get much time with her Dd but knows she spends (is able to spend) time with the MIL and your SIL just didn’t want your Mum crashing in on her day.

The reason doesn’t matter. Your SIL laid down a rare boundary and said she was unavailable.

Your Mum did not respect that boundary and is no creating drama because she put herself in that position.

She clearly thinks that she does actually have the right to access to your brother’s home.

This. I'd love to hear the SIL's side about how fun being interrupted at work all the time is, or having random stuff from work dropped off, or quite how persistent that door knocking was.
Honestly I would encourage your mum to whinge to your brother about DIL about her 'rudeness'. It may well be the out she's been looking for.