Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

This thread is pure MN 😂

"I am unavailable" polite way to say please don't come but if you MUST I am not free, I am not here for you
Oh but I ASSUME she was working. Ok then.. assume away 😂

MIL banging on the door until someone opens: Here I am, I want join the party 😂

then sulks when not invited.. Brilliant

@thing47 I suppose I can't imagine any friend or family member of mine behaving in this way, they are very much a 'more the merrier' non-exclusive, non-cliquey types. To the extent that if you came over and dropped something off when you could see I was was in, without knocking I would think it very weird. Although I am Irish, it may be a cultural thing.

So in my circles, the assumption here would be that the SIL plans must have changed - she was now home when she didn't expect to be. Because it would be very odd to be home, with just your family and tell other family or friends that you are 'not available' and to leave stuff on the porch. I mean who are you, the Queen Mother or something.

Except that the SIL didn't ask her MIL to drop off, did she? The dropoff is at MIL's convenience, not SIL's.

SIL made it totally clear the day before that on this particular Tuesday - as opposed to the many other Tuesdays when she has been warm and welcoming and asked MIL in for a chat and given her food and drink - she wouldn't be available. What part of 'I won't be available' is so unclear that you would require more information?

Knocking on a door, more than once, when you've already been informed that the person on whose door you are knocking is unavailable, most definitely is odd behaviour.

@longestlurkerever I mean thats exactly it - to me in this exact same scenario (as the SIL) it would seem very weird if my MIL came over, clearly saw me at home with my family and just leave stuff outside without even knocking. That would be strange to me. The MIL did nothing odd here. The odd behaviour is asking a family member to drop stuff off at your house and not inviting them in just because you have your own family there.

Some people seem to be very weird and cliquey about their own family v their partners family.

The only person I can think of who might skulk away without knocking is ironically my own mil who is martyrish to the point of painfully exhausting.

She didn't barge in though did she, she knocked on the door. How anyone can think the SIL is in the right in this situation is beyond me. If she wanted to meet with her family without MIL, then the polite thing to do would be organise the drop off at another time. It screams self centred prick, to arrange this drop off at a time when you have guests (who are literally just your family) with the intention of not inviting MIL in or even acknowledging her presence.

There was no barging suggested. Honestly the aggressive language on this thread directed towards op's dm who has only wver tried to be friendly with her dil is upsetting. "Haha brilliant she's taught a lesson " and all that stuff. Just nasty.

@ThePlanetaryParade

You would barge in, even if you had been clearly informed in advance that DIL would be unavailable at the time of your usual visit?? Really?

This place is like a parallel universe. In my mind, as the MIL, if I had gone over to drop of the stuff (as planned) and it was obvious that people were home, to me it would be just WEIRD to drop the stuff on the porch and leave without any notice. Doing that would feel like bad manners. Literally, anyone I know would knock on the door in these circumstances as it would be very odd to just leave the stuff and skulk away when you can SEE PEOPLE ARE HOME. Christ, even our Evri delivery man doesn't do that regardless of what the delivery instructions are.

The normal thing to do here would be knock on the door and just say - hi how are you, just dropping over the stuff as planned and take if from there. If the SIL looked frazzled and unsure, I would say - 'I won't interrupt, have a lovely time with the family, see you soon'. If the SIL say, 'oh, you must come in and meet the family', I would do that. This is your family for gods sake.

I have a good relationship with my MIL. If she popped over (even if unannounced) and I had other guests there, I would invite her in and introduce them. To do anything else is ridiculously precious.

😂 No problem 😁

Ooops. Sorry. That was intended for the OP. Did it end up in the wrong place? Apologies.

Yes, civilised people understand that unavailable means unavailable, don't bother me.

For all MIL knew DIL was hosting an AA meeting, a relative in crisis or other private and serious gathering.

Imagine being so self-centered, pushy and insensitive as to try to barge in uninvited when she has been clearly informed in advance that DIL was unavailable.

Then run home to sob about being excluded and try to stir the pot by calling her son!

In DIL's shoes I would continue to be unavailable for a very long time.

Does anyone really say "I'm unavailable which means do not knock my door"?

She'd still have seen there were PEOPLE there and got the hump she wasn't included anyway

I think if SIL had asked not to be disturbed then MIL would have known not to disturb her, saying she was 'unavailable' when she was actually available was a bit of a risk, unavailable for a coffee and chat doesn't necessarily mean unavailable to answer the door briefly.. more clarity would have prevented the situation all together.

I doubt it. I think it would simply be same problem, different scenario since it was mainly about MIL being not invited in to meet SIL’s family. If SIL had said she was going to be unavailable because she had family over, MIL would be expecting to be invited over.

Can go back and forth with what unavailable means but it really is about MIL expecting to be invited in.

Not all of us are blessed with families that we are jumping at the chance to introduce others to and SIL probably had her reasons not to invite MIL over. Wish more people considered that tbh including OP and MIL instead of taking offence to not being introduced.

Unavailable just means unavailable. MIL shouldn't be assuming anything other than that her DIL is unavailable. If she had just accepted that at face value instead of being nosy and/or deciding for herself that her DIL was available.despite being clearly told that she wasn't, this thread wouldn't exist.

Unavailable because on a Teams call: talking to other people in a way that's important.
Unavailable because family are visiting: talking to other people in a way that's important.
She's only less available if you think time with her family is less important than her work, which is a really sad way to think of anything.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree - if I said I was unavailable and somebody nosed through the window and then knocked on my door, I'd be pretty pissed off because in my mind, I've told them not to disturb me.

Up to this point 'unavailable' to MIL meant being on a teams call or out and physically unable to come to the door, this time, 'unavailable' actually meant she was entertaining guests and didn't want to answer the door, she was obviously there and able to come to the door, she just didn't want to, fair enough, but confusing enough to MIL who had never encountered that situation before.

I think if SIL had asked not to be disturbed then MIL would have known not to disturb her, saying she was 'unavailable' when she was actually available was a bit of a risk, unavailable for a coffee and chat doesn't necessarily mean unavailable to answer the door briefly.. more clarity would have prevented the situation all together.

From the OP: 'On Monday evening SIL texts to say she wasn't available.on Tuesday and just leave stuff.in porch'.

Anything there that isn't crystal clear?

Saying you're not available is the same thing as asking not to be disturbed. It doesn't always mean she's out, it can mean her attention is otherwise engaged and not to be disturbed.

she didn't ask not to be disturbed.

The DIL didn't arrange for MIL to come, she acquiesced to the MIL's suggestion but asked to not be disturbed as she would be unavailable. MIL could have skipped the drop off, arranged for another day or told her son to collect the merchandise.

Instead she tried to barge in on a private gathering, then went unhinged, cried and had to be stopped from trying to stir things up with a call to her son.

If I were DIL it would be a cold day in hell before these drop offs resumed.

I was actually responding to someone who said "SIL didn't want MIL to come at all, yet not only did she come round besides being told not to, she knocked on the door".

For all intents and purposes, SIL had arranged for her to come, she KNEW she was coming and was happy for her to come.. she just obviously didn't want her coming inside so was trying to avoid coming face to face with her altogether, hence telling her to leave the stuff in the porch.

She didn't arrange for MIL to come @sandyhappypeople , she always comes on a Tuesday. DIL made it clear that she wouldn't be available on this particular Tuesday in question, but said MIL could leave the items in the porch, as she has done on numerous other occasions, quite happily according to the OP.

She had told MIL she wasn't available, why didn't the MIL just accept that? If someone told me that they weren't available I probably wouldn't bother making the trip. What I wouldn't do is make the trip anyway and then get upset that the person who had told me they'd be unavailable was, in fact, unavailable.

But MIL clearly was hoping to come on, proven by the fact that she got so dreadfully upset at not being let in.