Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

You clearly are only going to take your mother's side, despite several replies on your thread advising otherwise.

What if, after she had rudely knocked on the door she had discovered that your sil was ' entertaining ' a work colleague with children ? i.e. a play date including lunch

would you still be insulted on behalf of your mother

double post

What is this stuff your mum gets from work that she gives to your B and SIL every week??

It sounds a little bit like your SIL tolerates your mum for the free stuff, but that could be me reading too much into your posts.

But nowhere does it say she's doing SIL a favour.

Agreed

.

Honestly if I got to a door being told hey we are busy to find a whole house full of people I’d be backing away fast and quiet there would be no instinct to knock unless I was angry about it basically making known I thought they had lied and wanted to be invited in knowing I wasn’t wanted. It’s boundary stomping.

Your mum wanted invited in because she felt offended that she wasn’t good enough to be invited in the one time the dil had other people she was with.

I also don't think SIL was wrong. After all she didn't ask your mum to keep dropping whatever stuff it is for your brother. Really your mum should do that when your brother is home. Sounds like SIL has generally been pretty welcoming but she shouldn't have to include her MIL in her plans whenever she decides to pop round.

SIL was perfectly reasonable

SiL asked my mother to let her know when she is dropping stuff off.

you can translate that in different ways, one of them is that she asked to be WARNED MIL had decided to popped in, instead of turning up without warning.

She could choose not to let Mum in
the one time she does that, your mum has a discussion with you and you start a thread on MN!

MN is batshit at times with answering doors. How rude to ask someone to leave things on a porch when SIL had her family round, if the time wasn’t appropriate SIL should have said, I’d never put someone in that situation but judging by this thread there was some sort of family drama going on 😂 If I was your mum I wouldn’t be leaving any more freebies and would be taking a quiet step back.

And OP, your mum ‘knocked twice’. SIL ‘finally’ came to the door. She was clearly v busy!

And now your Mum is ‘so upset’ and had to be talked out of calling your brother.

I can understand why you feel for your Mum and sympathise with her position and don’t want her to be upset. But trust to it all blowing over and try not to blame SIL.

Poor SIL, sounds like MIL is totally suffocating her and buying affection with endless gifts.

Maybe they were celebrating a family bday, organising a family holiday, sharing news about a terminal illness etc. MIL needs to butt out and maybe get a hobby instead as it sounds like she has nothing to occupy herself with that isnt meddling. I'm picturing the future MN posts about her as a nightmare Granny.

(Footnote - Cleaning her sons house, surprised SIL didn't get permanent ick from that.)

I think SIL was very rude.

If your mum hasn't met SIL's family, how does she know that the people in the house were in fact family? There could have been anything going on in the house, and the fact your mother's first knock was ignored suggests she really did pick a bad time.

If I was in your mum's situation I would feel a bit embarrassed for having interrupted whatever they were doing, then shrugged it off. I wouldn't be calling my daughter to bitch about it and try to stir up family drama.

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

Any understanding of what so many other people think?

Honestly, I can see why your Mum might feel a bit affronted once she was on the doorstep, and why it feels rude not to invite her in once she was on the doorstep.

But SIL so rarely says ‘not available’, and it wasn’t for your Mum to decide that only meetings or being out count as unavailable. She shouldn’t really have ended up on the doorstep.

De-escalate the whole thing. Tell your Mum it was just one of those things, not worth any more upset.

I hope it can be resolved through discussion. If your mum usually goes round and the house is quiet and empty, it’s not particularly surprising that she knocked on the door when she realized someone was in. She might have just thought SIL’s plans had changed and she was home when she hadn’t expected to be.

Equally, SIL might have a good reason for not introducing MIL, or might have been taken aback and acted automatically as she wasn’t ready/prepared for introductions.

I honestly find it rather odd to allow MIL to come to a house when there’s a gathering there, rather than saying not to come and suggesting an alternative time, so that seems a bit cheeky to me too, so it’s not like one side has been wholly unreasonable compared to the other.

If they have a good relationship, it can probably be resolved by mutual acknowledgement that it was a bit awkward all round.

I don't think your DM knocked on your SIL's door with "ill intent" at all OP. I don't know what your DM's intent was, but given that she was specifically told by your SIL, in advance, that she wasn't available on that date/time, why do you think your DM knocked on the door? Did it not cross your DM's mind that that was an intrusive thing to do when your SIL had told her she wasn't available for a visit?
In your DM's shoes I would have approached the door and thought "Ooh, DIL has visitors, that's why she couldn't see me today" and then I'd have dropped the stuff in the porch as she'd asked me to do. Wouldn't you have done that?

Your DM has been overstepping for 4 years

Your SIL is very patient and kind

I doubt she will be from now on if she hears you or your DM making a fuss about SIL spending time with her own family in the way she wants

Why on earth would your DM expect to be invited in and get upset when she's not

Bizarre

It was a family thing and no reason at all that your needy DM needed to be invited in

'Just instinct '?! What instinct? You mean sheer nosiness?! 😆

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.
So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

So the SIL has to drop everything.

Out of curiosity, why isn't MIL bothering her own son? WHY is MIL the SIL's problem?

I think it was rude and a bit hurtful. I wouldn’t leave anyone on the door step even if I had family visiting ( except strangers obviously) It’s just polite to ask a friend or family member to come in in my world. Its not worth making a fuss over though as SIL sounds generally really nice.