Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

I would have long told my partner to arrange the delivery/ collection with his mother and to leave me well out of it, especially when I am at home WORKING 😂

I would love to hear the SIL side of the story.

We have threads and threads of people pissed off that their MIL keeps bringing stuff they don't want, we don't know what or why MIL keeps bringing lord knows what - and not to her own son.

I wonder if it's the free stuff rather than the catch ups that your SIL has been most interested in.
I wonder if she's having argument with her partner telling him to deal with his bloody mother and her stuff and constant intrusions 😂

WHY is it always the woman's problem? Why is it all about SIL, never the SON?

I think saying she has family over is absolutely fine, but I would absolutely answer the door to thank her at the very least. I can totally see why DM is upset.

The entire reason it's rude is asking your mother to courier her a gift over and drop it at the door like a courier would when she knew she would be home with other family.

Imagine the sort of weirdos who think that's normal? Jeez.

Your poor mum just knocked because she was surprised anyone was home, as any normal person would.

I think it's pretty obvious your SIL doesn't actually like her very much.

From now on, she should just see the SIL organically, when it happens along with other family. I am so sorry for your poor mum's hurt feelings, she would have felt like a right clown having the door shut in her face. Cannot imagine doing that to someone's mum, let alone my husband's mum. Just rotten behaviour.

There's nothing your mum can do about that, but she should stop with the gift giving and stop with the catch ups. Just be nice and polite and let it all go, because you can't make people like you or be kind to you and asking about it will only make it worse and turn it into a drama.

I'm with the majority here.
Not sure why it is about SiL as it is your mother who overstepped. She was clearly told it wasn't possible for her to come in, yet she knocked, and continued to knock despite that.
SiL wasn't rude, she was protecting boundaries.
If this were written from SiL's perspective, and she stated that she'd told her MiL it wasn't convenient to come round but she still did, everyone would be congratulating her on maintaining her boundaries.

But I'm also wondering how people can be in a committed enough relationship to be living together for 4 years, and to live relatively locally, and yet never think to have invited both families round at the same time. (House warming / One or other Birthday / Christmas / BBQ / just drinks)

Why sil not just say not available as has guests and arrange another time for your mum to go, rather than just get her to drop off stuff when she clearly home and not working
she is doing them a favour dropping the things to them after all. But mumsnet is like another world to me, with the way people behave , not what i encounter in real life

Quite surprised at the gist of the majority here. Wouldn’t dream of treating my MIL that way.

I genuinely can’t figure out what the problem here is?

In the real world adults, even self reported MIL, can handle experiencing the minor set back of having rocked up at someone’s home and workplace and not been asked in.

Was it somehow embarrassing that son’s gf, having other guests, did not ask bf’s mother inside? I mean: ok? Perhaps BF’s mother only realized after she knocked for attention that gf had visitors who took priority over a casual drop in from someone she sees rather frequently. But so what? Is the bf’s mother not capable of sating “oh, sorry, didn’t realize” as one does when accidentally intruding on someone who is working, in the bathroom, or attending to other needs?

Why is OP even posting here? I mean: its kind of an interesting problem in interpretation but only if neither OP’s mother nor OP can handle the fact that occasionally even good chums don’t have infinite time for one another.

This poor “DIL” —she has had a four year pretty good run of her bf’s mother coming over for playdates with the excuse of free goodies (shudder) from her place if business. They obviously aren’t free if the one time she can’t accept them directly with fulsome thanks and the offer of attention the “MIL” runs off to weep on OP and complain of cruel treatment.

Exactly this. In a million years I would never ask my mother in law to just courier me some free stuff and leave quietly without knocking. If you make the trip to a person's house to give them a gift and that person happens to be home you are invited in as a matter of course.

I need SIL to find this thread so she can tell everyone, even though it’s clearly written in the OP, that she does not ask MIL to bring anything and that MIL brings the freebies for her son as she has been doing since before they even fucking met.

Arghhhhh.

So having been told that SIL wasn't available, your mum is now upset because SIL wasn't available? Have I got that right...?

Surely if you've told someone the day before that you're not going to be available, it's not rude to actually be, you know, unavailable?

My mother does not overstep

She did though! What she did was the very definition of over-stepping. If you continue to argue that she doesn't intrude or overstep when, by your own account, that's what she did in this case, then it's impossible to make you see SIL side of this. You're too far down the mother-can-do-no-wrong hole. She didn't do much wrong, but if you can't see that she overstepped in this case, then the whole thread is pointless.

Yes, I wondered that.

Only on MN could your DM.have "rudely knocked on the door" How can you rudely knock on a door? This is her MIL who she meets regularly and happily takes gifts from. Perhaps she wrongly assumed she was welcome.

She is ordered to drop stuff off in the porch like some kind of serf whilst she entertains others inside, your dm being the cheeky interloper demanding of attention which is on this occasion unworthy of her attention or time.

Shes shown her true colours op. Your DM.needs to back off, not because she is an unworthy nuisance but because SIL is.a rude, dismissive, entitled person.

Disagree with all the rude people who think it’s ok to ask your mil to leave free things at your door as if your a courier while you entertain your family inside.

SIL said she wasn’t available and to drop the stuff off. She didn’t say she wasn't going to be home. I’d never be so rude as to expect someone I knew to deliver something as if they were a courier when I was home, that just the height of rudeness, but not surprised by how many people on MN think it’s fine to treat others that way.

SIL should have said that’s not a good time I have people here can we do another time.

SIL handled it badly.
I think she could have rearranged with your mum so the awkward situation didn't occur at all.
As it stands your lot don't know her lot and you're not privy to the reason behind this.
Your mum bleating to your brother is not the way forward imo.
SIL is entitled to privacy, but not to expect your mum to drop and run 'freebies' (whatever they are)
Might be better if freebies are collected in future?

Sil was happy for mil to drop off the sons freebies of which mil has been doing for many many years but informed mil she would be unavailable to her.

Is the true story. Not dils freebies. It’s the sons that his mother has been dropping off for years before dil was on the scene.

Run SIL, run. Your SIL is starting on you now 😬

Exactly this. SIL was happy for MIL to bring her free stuff but treated her like a delivery person keeping her at the door.

I can’t be the only person surprised that people think that, if you’ve been told someone is busy on a certain day and to just drop something at the door, it’s a perfectly normal reaction that when you notice the person has house guests, you’d instinctively knock and keep knocking until they answered because why on earth wouldn’t you?

The normal reaction would be to do the opposite and walk away, no?

Feel like I am going mad. 😆

Hmmmm, yes your SiL was busy with her family.

BUT ...

It would have been polite and kind and just , well, human to invite her MiL inside to meet her family. If they get on and she knows that her MiL isn't intrusive and will say a nice "Hello, good to meet you, I just brought this for SiL" and then take her leave.

It could be that SiL was dealing with a tricky situation with her mother or something like that, but a quick "Arghh, lovely to see you, thanks so much for X. Really sorry - it's a nightmare in there - can we meet up on Wednesday?" would have been kind.

We all go on so much about accepting in-laws/step-DC etc etc as part of a family - it takes everyone to try to make that work. And sometimes, to make it work, we need to do something we may not otherwise naturally do.

She could choose not to let Mum in

Hmmm, what like this time?! When she does choose not to let your mum in, your mum gets really upset and wants to ring her son to complain!!

I

I think your SIL would have been better saying oh I can't do that time because I have my parents coming round - then your mum could have suggested a different time or just dropped off.

I think your mum has assumed she was going to be out and seeing people there thought oh she must be in and knocked rather than realising she must have meant I am busy at that time.

Having knocked - the SIL was a bit rude not inviting her in but you don't know what was going on - they may have been discussing something private and your mum being there was going to disrupt that.

I think your mum would be best to just forget it and move on and next time she is asked to drop in the porch - just drop in the porch even if it looks like there is someone in.

How much do you know about her family and relationships with them? Maybe it is them that she wants to keep away from your mum rather than vice versa?

Your mum was told it wasn't a convenient time, SIL reason does not matter. If someone turns up on my doorstep and knocks repeatedly when I am already hosting, I would not let them in either. It would be brief conversation on the doorstep, a reminder that I had told them I was busy (if I had) and ask them to come back at a more convenient time. Not ask them in to join in. Especially if it would be a first meeting of families like this.

Only in Mumsnet Imaginary Land would a close relative who regularly gives your SIL free stuff knocking on the front door be taken as anything but normal.

Only in Mumsnet Imaginary Land would turning them away be deemed normal.

Of course your mother just instinctively knocked. I daresay she wasn't expecting there to be anybody home and when she saw someone was assumed, wrongly, she would be welcome because that would be the normal reaction, to welcome her.

Your SIL could very easily have just arranged another time with her rather than invite her to be her gift courier and not invite her in.

Your mother did nothing wrong, she acted as a normal human on instinct at that moment. It is probably not worth making any sort of drama out of, though, as your SIL will just double down. I wonder if it's the free stuff rather than the catch ups that your SIL has been most interested in.

If I was your mum I would just continue a polite relationship, stop gift giving and catch up with her at family events.