Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Yep.

I live in a different space and time. Enjoy your boundaries and lonliness

Sil hasn't done anything wrong. She was busy with her guests, she asked your mum to leave the stuff. Then your mum overstepped by knocking the door twice. Even if she hadn't been told to leave stuff in the porch I wouldn't have invited her in because I was busy with othe people.

So your mum ibu and way too sensitive

But she was! She did come to the door, so she absolutely could have invited her in or the bare minimum said hello and thank you. If it had been a courier then she'd have done that, but her MIL isn't worth the effort.

No, SIL wasn't available (as she'd texted MIL the day before) but came to the door anyway when MIL knocked for the second time.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday

Not being available sort of half implies, to me at least, that she wouldn’t be in.
Expectmg her MIL to drop stuff off and not expecting her to be surprised at the sound of unusual voices inside the house is rather ignorant if you ask me. As is SIL’s failure to introduce her family. Why couldn’t she have said something like …’I’m having people round on Tuesday so it’s not convenient to see you, please can you leave it until Wednesday’

Maybe her MIL was being nosy or maybe she she was slightly concerned as she was obviously expecting the house to be empty.

I think your normally lovely SIL could have been more lovely about it ….honest and thoughtful too, - and then it wouldn’t have been a problem to anybody at all.

Actually no, I can't. If SIL's mum was having a medical emergency I'd expect SIL to say something like "oh hi - sorry, my mum's just having a thing, I need to rush back - call you later? Thanks for the stuff" and then close the door. Not "didn't you get my text asking you to just leave the stuff in the porch?". The more I think about it, the ruder it is.

And honestly, this not-meeting-but-hearing/knowing is way, way odder than a 5 minute "just came to drop some stuff over, so nice to meet you, wish I could stay but need to go, hope we can meet properly soon" or something.

She was available. She just didn't want to come to the door.

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring Not to mention, MIL backed off from dropping round at the start of the relationship and SIL explicitly invited her to do so. And it's 2 or 3 times a month, for a coffee, which is hardly an imposition, unless you just don't like the person.

This is a sensible level headed response in the real world …but in imaginary Mumsnet land your reply will be considered outrageous 😂

On what planet is that polite?

I think SIL should have told her mil she was unavailable and not to visit. If I had people round I wouldn't expect other people to travel and drop stuff off in my porch. Mil shouldn't have knocked though and respected SIL's privacy

I was just wondering the same thing because OP's told us this isn't the first time MIL has left stuff in the porch when SIL hasn't been at home or has been on a work call, and if they're not perishable, why can't MIL deliver them at a later date when SIL is available (particularly as they seem to see each other regularly anyway)?

@WellsAndThistles Poor SIL, sounds like MIL is totally suffocating her and buying affection with endless gifts.

How the heck did you get that from what OP has said? You've completely fabricated that.
OP's mum has always given her son the freebies and you've twisted that to "endless gifts" 🙄

I do see what you mean, yes. If the SIL has only been tolerating and polite over intrusive visits it paints a different story.

I suppose it depends on whether the SIL has agency over the visits, if the MIL tells her when she will be coming or asks her. Maybe MIL won't take the hint.

I still cannot imagine leaving a family member standing on my door step though, unless I was really ill or the place was a shambles or there was some sort of problem, or I had explicitly asked them not to come - and by that I mean not to come at all, I would never ask family only to come to the door and drop something off, I'd have arranged it differently.

But yes, it would be good to know if MIL will take no, or another time and day, for an answer when she texts.

Maybe SIL isn't remotely interested in the freebies, but doesn't want to offend her MIL by refusing them (particularly when her DP has been accepting them for years before SIL was in a relationship with him).
And why would SIL "be upset if she (MIL) didn't acknowledge there was someone in when she called"? The visitors that SIL already had there were nothing to do with MIL, and SIL had made it clear the day before she wouldn't be available for MIL to visit at that time.

She isn't bringing HER gifts, though, is she. She's bringing her son gifts, as is clear from the fact that the habit of dropping off freebies pre-dates SIL's arrival on the scene.

If someone warns you that they won't be available and you decide to turn up anyway, that is 100% on you.

if someone tells you to leave something outside, it means they politely ask you not to come 😂

I'd love to hear the other side of the story, because there's a big difference between "oh please, do drop xyz on that day at that time"

and "well, if you must.. I am not available, but if you insist you can leave them on the porch because I won't be here/ I will be on a conference call so cannot answer the door, why can't you come when your son is home"?

You see what I mean? It's all well and good to say you are doing people a favour, but do they actually want it?

It's like a grand-parent insisting on "dropping a birthday present" for a child on a specific birthday morning (another thread). Parents had plans, it was wrong time, wrong day, inconvenient and yet, the grand-parent insisted they were doing a massive favour.

Are these perishable items MIL is bringing?

Me neither.

I did, thank you.

But she had told her to leave the stuff in the porch, so clearly didn't want her to knock, even though she was bringing her gifts. Imagine someone bringing you a present and you seeing other people so you tell her to leave them outside? Rude.

Maybe sil also benefits from the freebies so is happy to have mil deliver them. Maybe mil thought sil would be upset if she didn’t acknowledge there was someone in when she called. Either way I can’t imagine leaving a family member on the door step but hey we’re all different.

Didn't bother reading OP's very first post then? SIL did answer the door after MIL knocked a second time.

Yes, the SIL side of the story might be different, of course.

I can only go on what we've been told, and on that basis I think that not inviting a family member in and asking them to courier round a gift and leave it there then leave quietly like a good courier - when you know you will be home with family and are planning not to acknowledge your mil - well I think that's really unkind.

But yes, there might be backstory of course.

In this instance, the relationship is between the MIL and the SIL. If indeed there is a backstory then yes the son should step up.

But going on what we've been told, I believe my response is fair.