Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

I've been hesitating to say this - I'm aware that most people on this thread agree with you - but I keep wondering whether there is some kind of class divide here.

My family background is working class. (My generation is a bit better off, but the old habits are still there.)

On Mumsnet, the consensus of opinion seems to be that people shouldn't drop in on relatives without prior arrangement. This is just alien to most people of my age and background.

The MIL was doing as she was asked. Genuinely, most members of my family would have done the same in her place: "Oh, she's still in. It would be rude not to knock, just to say that I have [whatever] and then go."

(The exceptions in my family would be some of those with ASD: they'd be relieved not to interact.)

Maybe it's not just a class issue - perhaps it's generational or varies from area to area?

Yes, I do. We don't even know that the SIL wants these freebies from MIL's work (don't know why you keep referring to them as "gifts"?). MIL has been dropping off these freebies to her son for a long time before SIL was even in a relationship with him and has left them in the porch before (which OP has repeatedly posted isn't a problem). Given that SIL and MIL see each other regularly, one might imagine the handing over of the freebies could have been delayed until they next saw each other, which leads me to think they must be perishable, but OP hasn't confirmed this. Either way, these freebies are not "gifts" for SIL and MIL should have done what she normally does when no-one's available to receive them (as she was warned no-one would be) i.e. left them in the porch!

WTF

How do you know she's a free loader in her PJs

And why should the MIL have a key?

🤣🤣

Madness

I think @ConstanceM is joking. 😂

There….. but not available. As she had already told MIL

So you think it's fine for someone to ask a person to leave gifts in a porch when you're home? You wouldn't feel obliged to say hello and thanks even though you're very much available to do that?

No. SIL was at home, but not available because she'd made other plans with her own family. And she did come to the front door, but she wasn't obliged to invite MIL in because, as she'd explained by text the previous day, she wouldn't be available.

Exactly this.

I was being a bit cynical with my question about whether the items are perishable or not.

I was wondering why they "have" to be delivered 3 times a month when DB is not in.

I also don't think the fact that SIL said to your mum FOUR YEARS AGO to text her when she is going to drop the things off means she must be available infinitely.

We also don't know if when SIL said please drop them this time, whether she knew her family would be there at that specific time or if she had other plans that day too.

Where does OP say that she is a free loader and not contributing to the household? I must have missed this bit

Personally I would have asked her in but as she didn't I think she should have asked her to pop round on a different day, very rude in my opinion.

I suppose it could be the sensible response IF the people inside the house were in fact SIL's family.

But as OP's mum has never met SIL's family, she's just guessing at who they were. (Unless there's a drip feed coming.)

no wonder we have so many threads about over-bearing MIL and how hard and suffocating it is to deal with them.

The whole thing is kind of awkward. Big overreaction by the mother. At the same time, a misstep by the SIL to tell her MIL to drop something off at the house when she was entertaining other family members - I feel like it’s not that difficult to anticipate why the MIL might notice people are there and feel a little left out.

But she’s not rude, is she? She sees her MIL quite a bit. They get along. So clearly not usually rude.

I can’t fathom these people who jump to the worst possible interpretation when the relationship otherwise is smooth and harmonious. This woman is not usually a rude jerk, why would she suddenly become one now? She said she was busy and couldn’t chat that particular day, that was true, who knows what she was talking to her family about but she was clearly not able to share that day.

One day against years of a smooth relationship with kindness on both sides? It’s like people are looking for reasons to fall out.

This.
I think it is incredibly rude and also strange, surely you would say “my family are here, would you like to say hello”? Type of thing. Your Mum sounds as though she would have been sensitive of their arrangement and not stayed too long.

We found MIL and she's been on the sherry

I think this is one of those situations where everybody was a bit right and a bit wrong.

If she knew she was having guests, your SIL should have told your mum she was busy so please drop off another time.

Your mother was wrong to ring the doorbell when she saw guests inside

your SIL was wrong not to say Oh Sandra, there you are. My sister came over to chat about something, come on in and say hello.

Your mum would have been wrong not to say "Oh hi marian, lovely to meet you but I'll be going now - no I won't have a coffee"

I really love my MIL and she has been a prop and support to me (and I to her) but I do remember one time when my uncle (very close to my family) died and she kindly came down to the funeral and went to the funeral lunch/afternoon thing afterwards. Then my eldest cousin invited all the cousins over to his house that evening - and she came with us. I just really wanted her to say "No, I'll stay here you go to the family thing without me" but she didn't. And it felt different to me because I was kind of minding her as was dh instead of hanging with my cousins at a rare family get together.

I felt that in the moment. Wouldn't have dreamt of saying it to her and got over it.

I think your mum should let it go OP and just chalk it up to one of those situations which get sprung on you and in retrospect a different approach might have made more sense.

Not available is not available. Knocking when you know someone has said they are not available is rude. Knocking more than once until they are forced to answer is incredibly rude.

She's a rent free - free loader, working from home in her PJs and thinking she owns the house, it's an absolute disgrace. MIL should have the house keys ANYWAY!!!!!

She wasn’t rude! She texted to say she was busy, the Mail decided it wasn’t important and ignored it and then got her knickers in a twist because she wasn’t let in regardless. That is rude! The MIL is massively overstepping with the constant cleaning and expectations of being accommodated anyway.

Er.....No! 😉

No. SIL instructed MIL to courier round the gift knowing she would be home but planning to ignore her. The plan was for MIL to courier the gift then silently vanish, having fulfilled her role as delivery person.

This is fine if SIL is not home is very ill or has some sort of crisis. This is rude if SIL knows she is home and can at least say hello.

However, if MIL won't be told to do it on another day, it's also understandable.

If SIL could have simply have arranged another time where she could say hi then she should have.

If it is any help to your Mum some families like to have their own "space" on in law or out law side. Traditional families sometimes invite everybody in that turns up at the door. If I had family I did not see frequently I would like time with them on my own. Similar to a pecking order so I can understand why the sister in law was holding space between the two families

If she'd said don't come then fine, but she didn't. She said for her come anyway but to drop the free stuff in the porch. So she wanted her to come with the stuff, just didn't want to acknowledge her. Rude.