Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Actually, we do know what she said. She "opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch."

But did someone say she spoke rudely? SIL was rude, obviously, that can't be argued, and was in fact available and accessible in order to be rude. I must have missed someone saying she spoke rudely.

Ooops, I see it was me who said it :D Well what I meant was her words were rude. She might have been quite polite in the way she said her rude words though.

It's not dramatic enough to earn a Bloody hell is it? Can't help but hear Ron Weasley when someone says that, these days.

I don’t think it’s wrong for SIL to want to spend time with her own family. Her MIL already knew she was unavailable so why did she knock? Your SIL asserted a boundary and the MIL tried to step over it. The last thing I’d want if say, my sister and the kids had come over for a chat or to discuss a problem, is the MIL showing up uninvited.

Bloody hell, we don't even KNOW what SIL said but apparently she now "spoke rudely"?

Opening the door and going "Oh thanks Barbara, I'm in the middle of something right now but it was lovely of you to bring this round. I'll see you same time next week and we can catch up." Isn't rude. And it's not being available or accessible

Right. The only thing I do wonder is if MIL just announces she is coming and doesn't allow SIl to reschedule, if she is actually imposing on SIL rather than it being a mutual choice.

That's the only real reason I can think of for SIl choosing to be so deliberately rude.

However, she was actually available and accessible and we know this because she did indeed speak rudely to her MIL.

No near to Dear God, it's not that dramatic.

There's no question SIL was rude, that's settled. The only question is whether she had reason to be rude.

I think everyone on here questioning MIL's motives is a bit much. On the surface it sounds like a perfectly normal MIL/DIL relationship to me to pop in or go out a few times a month etc, spend a bit of time over a cuppa (or not if SIL is busy and that's fine too), there's nothing wrong with that type of relationship, and if it was like that it would be rude to not invite her inside.

I think it is odd that you SIL wouldn't invite your mum in to meet her family given the opportunity, but then I think it is INCREDIBLY odd that in 4 years none of you have ever met each other and almost exist in a separate universe, and you don't think anything of it??

It actually sounds to me like MIL and DIL have quite the superficial relationship which is based on MIL giving them gifts (what gifts??), but it extends no further than that as far as DIL is concerned? MIL obviously thinks it is based on mutual respect and understanding and DIL has firmly put her back in her place. Does MIL only visit when she has gifts?

If MIL is so upset, why would "we" not let her tell your brother about this, why are you influencing this decision at all, as it doesn't sound like you know SIL or have a close relationship with your brother? So why would she not tell him what happened?

So many questions...

I agree with the first half, but must say that in Scotland, where I grew up, you would have been absolutely torn to shreds by other family members if you treated a family member like this. I remember one Saturday afternoon, when I was about 16, my Uncle Tommy took it into his head to cycle over to see us, without phoning or telling anyone he was coming. I was home and he was most apologetic at turning up unannounced and then he tried to leave as my mum was out and it was really my mum he was coming to visit, and he didn't want to intrude.

I told him not to dare leave, as my mum would be really upset with me, basically dragged him in and made him a cup of tea and got him some biscuits and chatted to him till my mum came home. When he apologised for intruding to my mum said Don't be daft, you're family.

So maybe they're weird about inviting family in, or rude to family in some parts of the UK, but I can't say I encountered that growing up in Scotland.

Dear God. SIL asked MIL to leave the freebies in the porch (as she has done before!) because she couldn't see her that day. Yes, SIL does normally appreciate and welcome her MIL and they do things together including having days out, but on this occasion SIL gave MIL forewarning that she wouldn't be available to see her and MIL should have respected that. It's this simple. 🙄

Available just means accessible and so SIL was of course available.

No, available in this case means "free to chat"

SIL had other guests and was therefore not available

If she's on a Zoom call she's accessible in the house but it's understood she's not available

This is the same

Yes your sil is rude, your mum isn't a stranger to her or your brother. A quick hello and come and say hi to my mum wouldn't have hurt. You can't keep people in boxes forever and not have them cross over to other areas of your life. I do find the British tend to be a bit socially awkward when it comes to this sort of thing.

Available just means accessible and so SIL was of course available. She could, in fact, be accessed, she was home. She just wanted her MIL to courier her gift around and leave silently.

SIL was certainly free, available and accessible to talk to her MIL for a moment or two, and we know this because she did.

So, again, unless there is a backstory, more to this for example MIL refusing to rearrange to more suitable times or otherwise being bothersome, SIL's rudeness cannot be justified.

That the SIl was rude is not actually under discussion. She was.

The only question is, did she have a good reason to be rude?

Bloody hell - am really surprised by these initial responses!

I think SIL is pretty rude. If your DM is the type to drop in, say hello, I don’t know what the problem is with inviting her in for a quick cup of tea.

i think most people with self awareness would then pop in briefly to say hello and then leave.

If she wanted privacy for her family visit, surely it would’ve been more polite to say I’m not around Thursday - why don’t you bring it on Friday and we can have a coffee

This seems so minor, I'm not sure why you posted it - especially because, really, what's your goal? Are you hoping that we'll urge you to swoop in and chastise someone? It's momentary, and it's over. No one did anything really wrong, but anyone who felt like apologizing could do so.

I don’t think anyone is in the wrong in all honesty. I understand why your mum might have felt hurt in that moment, but there could be lots of reasons she didn’t invite your mum in which don’t equal any bad feelings on her part. If your mum wants to know why, she could just say “oh I hope you didn’t think I was intruding the other day, did you have a nice time with your family?” To which SIL will most likely explain without anyone getting upset

It feels a bit that the MiL is being used for her freebies. It was rude not to ask her in and it’s really bizarre that the families haven’t met after 4 years of living together.

She told her to drop the things off.

They are things, we don't know what things, that Mil gives to the household for free. Gifts is a shorthand, but people are assuming perishables, whatever. I would really like to think that her kindness would entitle her to a greeting at least.

People are talking like she's being a nuisance by bringing them free stuff which they obviously hate. If that's the case then say no thank you. But that's not the information we've been given. Normally sil seems to appreciate and welcome her mil according to the op.

I honestly don't think it's a class or a generational thing. (My dad was working class and my mum middle class so I'm not sure where that places me!). I think it's more what is culturally acceptable within families. In my family we never dropped in to see people (extended family included) without making a prior arrangement to visit. It was also considered rude to phone family and friends before 9am or after 9pm (apparently people thought if you had a call that early or that late someone in the family must have died! 😂). My husband's family are the same, but once, before we were married, he tried to tell me otherwise and convinced me that his aunt and uncle wouldn't mind if we just "dropped in" to see them despite my protestations that we should phone first to check. I can't tell you the toe-curlingly embarrassing visit we had with them when having knocked on the door a few times they eventually appeared around the corner of the house in gardening gear and wellies up to their ears in muck and dirt. They were having a pre-winter tidy up and the last thing they needed was unexpected visitors. They graciously invited us into the kitchen for a cup of tea and a chat but it was absolutely clear we were being a massive inconvenience to them. I've never let my husband forget this and ever since we've always made prior arrangements to visit people. 😂

Your mum is being over sensitive (as are you). Your SIL wasn’t wrong, she had other guests there who she was spending time with. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your mum, she was just busy with something else at that time, as your mum knew she would be (although did not know what yet ‘something else’ was) before she got there.

Perhaps SIL’s family is feral and she’s too embarrassed to introduce them. Maybe her DM is jealous of her relationship with your DM, and SIL doesn’t want to set her off. Perhaps they had something important going on and SIL didn’t have the brain space to think about your DM’s feelings on the matter. Either way, if the relationship is good with your DM, they can sort it out themselves.

Right! I would drop the gifts and scuttle away - as they are obviously busy. (Just like they said they were!)

She was told to leave the stuff in the porch it didn’t matter whether there people in the house or not your mum had no right to knock on the door knowing she had been told the leave the stuff in the porch your mum was rude to knock on the door just because people where in maybe next time she will follow a simple instruction and not decided to do whatever she feels like.

How do you know SIL "wanted her to come with the stuff"? All we can know is that SIL agreed for MIL to drop off the stuff - not that she wanted her to.

Sausages?

It would seem MIL always comes and drops off on a Tuesday if SIL text her on Monday to say she wasn't available
Which would make you think it's something like MIL works in a factory or restaurant or something where she gets the leftovers on a Tuesday which she drops round there and then so they're still fresh
Which would be why SIL (who spend more time than required with MIL tbh) couldn't offer to come a different day

Can we just decide that MIL works at a butchers and these are BIL's sausages.