Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Agree with the majority here that MIL should not have rung the bell in thise circumstances. Also wonder if MIL lives locally and SIL's family live further away? If so, SIL may have been hoping for quality time alone with her family who she sees less, which is also totally reasonable.

Three times a month? What is she dropping off? I think she should transition to dropping stuff off when her actual son is there. That's a lot of time to expect a Dil to spend with you. She obviously is obliged to answer the door because the one time she tried to ignore her mil, she got upset enough for her daughter to post on Mumsnet.

This. And only in MN land is it ok to have e your family round and not even invited your MIL (who is dropping stuff off for you) in to say hello and meet them.

Your DM did nothing wrong. The SIL is being really odd about keeping her away from her own family.

Problem with your mum calling your brother is that he may take the side of his partner, and this may then implode on your mum.

I would have let her in, but that’s me. I would be annoyed if I were the SiL, it’s immaterial, your SiL didn’t and has her reasons, your mum has no right to be upset and try to drag your brother into it, with what sounds like a view to trying to bring his partner into line.

I don’t think your sil did anything wrong. It would have been wise to have told your mum not to bring stuff over. But maybe your sil doesn’t want to rock the boat with your mum.

As for your mum knocking once, instinctive perhaps. Twice, maybe less so. I can see why she’d be confused.

Neither woman has done anything wrong. It’s just a mismatch of how they see the world.

Unless they had some sort of family discussion taking place that would have had to have stopped if you mum was there?

DiL didn’t mislead her - she told her she was busy. She was. MiL seems to have assumed that if “busy” means doing something that sounds fun and, perhaps with the sound of kids there, family oriented, then MiL is entitled to interrupt and see what’s happening.

I do think that’s really rude. Even with a familial relationship, it’s rude. The sort of rude that is generally, easily forgiven, but still entitled behaviour - to push into an engagement you know someone has arranged with other people.

And I doubt SiL has entertained MiL to get free gifts. MiL leaves these gifts for her son and has since long before SiL was on the scene.

HRTFT but MIL shouldn't have knocked. What is she taking that can't wait a day? She has no idea what was going on inside. Perhaps a relative needed to disxuss a personal matter and just happened to have their DC with them.
MIL seems to have a good relationship there. Watch it disappear if she creates an issue over this.

As your mother has a good relationship with your sister in law, maybe SILs family are grabby and would’ve asked your mum to get freebies for them too. There’s been tales of worse cheeky fuckery on here. Perhaps her uncharacteristic coldness was embarrassment.

You’ve said the children were running around - that implies they are young.
And that your mum drops off items for your brother & SIL, and leaves them on the porch.
it’s plausible that the items were not for children, or were dangerous for them, so your mum knocked, and there’s nothing disrespectful about that.
Prrhaps you could elaborate.

@sandyhappypeople "If DIL had told her she was entertaining guests, and could she leave the stuff then that would have told MIL everything she needed to know in advance and not created any confusion, if MIL agreed but still knocked after knowing DIL was busy with guests, she would have been rude, but being confused because she thought DIL was working, then it turned out she wasn't isn't deliberately rude, just a wrong assumption."
DIL didn't have to tell MIL she was entertaining guests - she told her she was unavailable and could she leave the stuff in the porch. Once MIL arrived to leave the stuff and saw DIL was entertaining guests, she then had "everything she needed to know" and should have left. Instead, she knocked - twice - so she was indeed rude. She knew, before knocking, that DIL was entertaining guests, but she knocked anyway.
I don't know what level of thick someone has to be, having been told in advance that their DIL is unavailable to receive them on a specific date/time, to arrive at that time, see they have guests, and instead of putting two and two together and just leaving, being "confused" by it instead! 🙄

She was told SIL wasn't available. She isn't entitled to know any more details than that

SIL was still busy. The reason for that is irrelevant. Knocking on the door can come across as nosing in on what's going on

If I turned up and someone was obviously entertaining guests my last thought would be "oh I will just try and intrude on this". I'd have left it as planned. And if I'd planned to stay and it was an impromptu thing people were there then I'd probably just leave in the porch, as I'd done before, and drop a quick text saying "you looked busy and I didn't want to interrupt, it's in the porch. See you next week"

If I was told someone was busy when I was delivering something and when I got there I saw kids running up and down the hall and my knock wasn’t getting answered I would presume DIL was entertaining whether or not the visitors dropped in unannounced. I certainly wouldn’t keep knocking until I got an answer and expect to be brought in!

Of course it is normal and fine to spend time with your family and not include anyone else if you don't want to, but anyone with any foresight would tell MIL that it was the case, rather than let her assume you were working or out (which has been the case every other time MIL has been asked to leave stuff in the porch for the previous 4 years.. so it's not unreasonable that MIL would assume it was the case this time too)

As it was she wasn't certain what was happening, as it had never happened before, and for all she knew DIL's family may have dropped in unannounced and in which case it wouldn't have been an issue for MIL to knock to say hi, she sees DIL enough to assume she was close enough to say hi to her family, she was wrong in that assumption obviously, but I can see why she would have assumed it wouldn't be a problem.

If DIL had told her she was entertaining guests, and could she leave the stuff then that would have told MIL everything she needed to know in advance and not created any confusion, if MIL agreed but still knocked after knowing DIL was busy with guests, she would have been rude, but being confused because she thought DIL was working, then it turned out she wasn't isn't deliberately rude, just a wrong assumption.

SIL is rude.

It's weird that she didn't ask her MIL in and make introductions. I can't believe people think this is normal. What weird and insular family set ups some of you must have.

And expecting her to leave the freebies in the porch like MIL is a delivery driver??

But this is MN so the MIL will automatically be wrong.

What nonsense.

SIL is not accountable to MIL regarding who she entertains, how she spends her free time or anything else!

Agree.

MIL needs to back way off.

This.

MIL was pushy and intrusive. And now is playing the martyr.

SIL has my sympathy.

Well I think that spending time with your own family is a perfectly normal

It's not a rejection. It's spending time with different people for once

What if it was your young mum friends? Would it be rude not to include her then even though she had nothing in common? Or you were holding book club? Or your family were currently staging an intervention for a family member?

SIL also doesn't have to justify why she's not available
Its not MIL's business why
She is allowed to want to entertain her family without including MIL

I think MILs reaction is all hurt. She hasn't kicked off or complained to DIL or made a scene, she's just left but has obviously been incredibly hurt by the interaction, so has confided in her daughter.

My MIL would be hurt too if I normally welcomed her in for a coffee and chat (when I wasn't busy working), but I completely shunned her because I had my own family round, I would never do that to a neighbour let alone a MIL that I've been seeing most weeks for 4 years.

Unless there is a history as to why these families have never met each other, I think MIL is well within her rights to be a little hurt by the rejection, and the realisation that she doesn't have the relationship with DIL than she thought she did.

😂😂 I know. Actually never seen anyone that ridiculously insistent on MN before and that’s saying something!

Honestly one of the most stubbornly insistent on being wrong people I've met on MN

"It's settled" as if it makes them right

Arguing with people who pretend to believe water is dry and up is down is amusing for a while, but then becomes tedious.

And arguing with people who insist that being physically present means you are available is tedious

Especially when they think repeating "it's settled" some how makes it fact

I absolutely agree with this.