Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Well, that was the poster that I quoted...but in my family there would still have been interaction with the uncle/MIL/relative even if only for a brief while.

Rude of SIL. Are her family awful and she's embarrassed of them? Otherwise it comes off that she's embarrassed of her MIL. Who would put their mil through that even if they'd rung the bell against your orders? She should have said the day wasn't convenient at all, or said "yes do pop in and meet my family for a few minutes" or something. Weird she's never introduced tgen before.

That's different though as you hadn't already spoken with your uncle and told him you were busy that day

This is exactly my thoughts!

So many people saying SILs grasping for freebies. Maybe she doesn't even want them, did anyone ever ask!? Or did they just tell her "I'm bringing them round"?

Based on the MIL taking them to her son before he had a girlfriend I suspect they're food, so like cakes or sandwiches.

I'm almost certain that SIL really isn't arsed at all about free food, but has been so kind and polite for years, letting someone interrupt her work day, and then she says ONCE I'm not available, and your mother is sobbing and wants to call the woman's boyfriend? To say WHAT!?

All that will achieve is ruining their good relationship do far. She won't be coming in for chats anymore, she can leave her stuff in the porch every time.

I don't think SIL was rude, because when you tell someone you're not available you don't expect them to show up anyway and expect to come in.

Knowing SIL was unavailable, if MIL wanted to see her she could have come a different day.

Clearly your SIL does not want your mother meeting her family.
After 4 years that is strange.
She had texted so she had been clear.
Talk your mum down from her upset.

But it is strange.

^ this
I'm thinking about the time my family came round to mine with the kids when my dsis found out her ex was walking out on her to support her. The idea of my in laws (as lovely as they are) in the mix of that would have been awful.

My mum has horrible anxiety and mh issues and she was in a state for a while ahead of meeting my in laws. She'd not have coped with a surprise meeting.

Sorry op but your mum is out of order here for being intrusive for knocking when she'd been warned in advance.

Your sil sounds lovely and like she makes a lot of effort with your mum and while I understand, I think if I was your mum I'd be apologising for bothering them.

Totally. What an overreaction. Unless your SIL is ASKING for these regular freebies your mum is rude for trying to push into SIL's free time knowing she was busy, and now kicking off over it despite the fact SIL has obviously always been good with her.

Weird argument to pick, and in SIL's shoes I'd be thinking keep your "gifts" then. This is your brother's mum, not HER mum. Is your brother spending regular 1:1 time with SIL's relatives?

There is also another interpretation, it sounds like SIL was a bit surprised to see MIL at the door and was in the middle of something as she didn't answer for a few knocks.

Maybe she just distracted so when MIL knocked unexpectedly she just was like "oh hi, oh thank you, bye!". In the moment it may not have occurred to her that MIL was angling to come in.

People keep saying this as though SIL has insisted on being given stuff but that’s not actually mentioned anywhere. The arrangement pre dates SIL, and could just have easily been a case of her partner wanting the stuff from his mum but SIL not available in this instance to receive them for him.

And no one knows what was happening inside, it could have been anything! There are plenty of scenarios where it wouldn’t be appropriate to invite someone else in to the house at that moment, how short sighted can you be?

And of course, it’s also a mumsnet thing.

no one on here seems to answer the door to anyone they are not expecting.

possibly a class thing…very bourgeoisie and overly formal to not let people visit if you have other visitors!

there was a thread on here about the someone’s DS’s Italian girlfriend being rude about British way of life- she may have a point! ( no way this would be acceptable in Italy either!)

Yes, this chimes with my experience in a working class area of Fife (and that of my husband who was brought up in Aberdeenshire).

It's unclear how flexible the MIL is willing to be about the date she drops stuff off. Could the partner have said " not today please it's not convenient " I wouldn't want to have all these deliveries I couldn't put off if I was working from home. The brother and his partner aren't married. The MIL isn't actually an MIL. I do think the woman is entitled to choose when she has visitors. I am not sure exactly what the OP's mother was going to complain to her son about. Angling for an invite sounds manipulative. Maybe time to stop the deliveries as they sound a hassle if they can't be negotiated

How are you available just because you are home?

That’s like saying I’m free because I’m not working. I’m not I have plans in my home even if those plans are sit and watch tv. They are plans.

If someone said to me oh I won’t be able to have you round Tuesday feel free to drop the items in the porch. I’d never assume because some people where in the house they where free or available. They are clearly entertaining guests of who I don’t know for any number of reasons.

It could be a friend or sister with her children escaping an abusive husband definitely not the time to introduce your mil. If could have been a business meeting of sorts where her client had fallen though child care and the sil was kind enough to allow the children to attend. Again not appropriate to introduce mil.
It could be planning a personal family event that could have been sad or happy. We don’t even know if it was sils family ops mother has just assumed it is.

Mil could have even just said oh no bother I’ll drop these when son is home later on as to not interfere in your day. She didn’t.

Instead she was let’s face it upset that someone that wasn’t her was in sils home being entertained or met with. So she knocked and knocked and knocked till sil’s whatever was interrupted to show her displeasure.

That's not what happened though, is it?

It pains the sil in a bad light whatever.

SIL was staggeringly rude and a freeloading cheeky fucker to not invite her MIL in to meet her family when they are visiting.

MIL isn’t some random delivery driver, she’s family too!

The posters saying otherwise are the same saddos who post to always argue black is white just to cause conflict with an OP. Ignore them.

To me, this is a situation where nobody has to be “wrong” it’s just a bit of a crao situation that’s come up.

Your mum knocked without thinking, sil didn’t let here in as she was busy entertaining. That’s it. No one has been unreasonable at that point.

The issue arises with your mums reaction to this. Feeling slighted, getting hurt…and whilst it’s understandable that this may have stung, she was told Sil wasn’t available. Sil hasn’t done anything wrong. It would be so completely unreasonable to make a big issue of this and approach SIL or your brother as if they have behaved poorly. Your mums feelings are hurt. She needs to sit with that, maybe look at why she’s feeling that way - and it’s okay to be upset sometimes. Our own hurt feelings don’t always correlate with someone else doing wrong to us. We are responsible for our own reactions and responses to things - and your mum needs to recognise that, and not make her feelings your SILs fault or responsibility.

Eh?????
She asked for opinions. I gave one.

She did say she was busy. It was a long establish routine that the mother would leave stuff on the door step if her son or the GF were busy. The GF wasn’t suggesting anything new!

It’s not rude to knock on someone’s door and angle for an invite when you have been explicitly told the person was busy and not available?

In real life your SIL was rude-why didn't she just tell your mum in advance she was busy and to come round the next day if she didn't want your mum to meet her family.

In Mumsnet world it is entirely normal behaviour and your mum "overstepped" by ringing the bell-how very dare she? She should have left the stuff in the porch and scuttled back to her burrow until required.

It doesn’t matter why your mum knocked, whether it was an impulse or otherwise. Your SIL had told her she was not available for tea/lunch/chat and asked her to leave the stuff outside. End of. Your mum was wrong to knock no matter what her reason. I fully get she may have done it without even thinking but that doesn’t make it okay. The fact that she was so angry about it she wanted to call your brother - and do what? ‘Tell’ on your SIL? Why the anger at all? Your SIL did nothing wrong. She was clear that she was not available and she doesn’t have to tell your mum why. Your mum seems to think it’s okay if she’s not available because of a work thing but that she’s fair game to be intruded upon in her personal time even if she’s said she’s not free. Your mum was unreasonable to be annoyed.

In my culture, the sister-in-law would be considered rude. I cannot imagine leaving my mother-in-law on the doorstep and not inviting her to my meet my family. I really don’t get this attitude at all.

To me it seems unbelievably rude to let your mother-in-law leave gifts on the doorstep and not let her in to say hello to the family. Actually that would go for anyone leaving gifts. In fact, my mind boggles. I know I am in a minority though.

Nobody is saying she should invite the MIL. But not telling her to come in even for 5 minutes and introducing them to each other is very rude. And odd.

It looks like she thinks MIL isn't good enough.

@Zonder And only in MN land is it ok to have e your family round and not even invited your MIL

No in the real world if is very much okay to spend time with your own family and not invite your boyfriend’s mother.