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Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 14:04

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 14:01

To be honest this is what I'm getting at, and this is what would flash through my mind if I was the MIL, I'd have assumed based on prior times that she was working so absolutely not to be disturbed in those circumstances, but when I realised she was in and not working I'd have (wrongly) assumed there'd been a change of plan and would have knocked on to drop the stuff instead.

I actually think that is an easy mistake for anyone to make without any other information to go on.

BUT.. MIL expecting an invite to come in was unreasonable, none of the brothers family meeting none of the SILs family for 4 years paints a picture that SIL isn't interested in blending the two at all, and turning up on the doorstep unannounced wouldn't change that.. but if I was the SIL in this case I would make that clear from the get go, that when I'm with my family I'm not going to spend time with the MIL and vice versa, so everyone knows the score and no feelings can be inadvertently hurt.

So you think "oh she's normally working but now she has people over. Better try and insert myself into this situation I have no idea about" is acceptable?

Because you contradict yourself a bit

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 14:04

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/02/2025 13:53

Indeed MIL assumed she was busy working.

Well you know what they say about assuming. You make an ass outta you. 😂

Unavailable could have meant her and her partner were planning a secret day off to have crazy wild sex across the house. That she wanted to sleep all day or binge watch desperate housewives.

Im unavailable today… Im not working im relaxing before the children are off for half term. I certainly don’t want my Mil round today 😅

so many edits for typos. Could throw this phone 📱

Edited

Well you know what they say about assuming. You make an ass outta you.

nah, come on you've got to do it right!

ASSUME makes ASS out of U and ME

it's a valid life lesson to live by 😂

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 14:02

NO ONE is entitled to more information than "I'm unavailable"
I got offered a shift at work and said I couldn't as I'd made plans.
Those plans were to do bugger all for once and have a day to myself. Someone from work turning up might then think my plans had changed. It would be rude of them to then try and insist I work or to pull me up for not working

MIL making an assumption is her fault. SIL has no need to tell her more than she's not available so could she do as she has done MULTIPLE times before (not some kind of unexpected secret courier thing....)

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 14:01

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 13:38

There's always the chance that SIL was supposed to be busy with work etc

But something happened in her family and caused everyone to come round. Maybe a sibling who had a row with their partner which got nasty and they had to flee with the children. Or a death. Or a diagnosis someone wanted to share and felt they couldn't wait. Or a serious accident.

She was flustered when MIL turned up because she hadn't expected her to knock and was trying to process the news.

MIL trying to come in would be beyond rude and unreasonable in this case...

To be honest this is what I'm getting at, and this is what would flash through my mind if I was the MIL, I'd have assumed based on prior times that she was working so absolutely not to be disturbed in those circumstances, but when I realised she was in and not working I'd have (wrongly) assumed there'd been a change of plan and would have knocked on to drop the stuff instead.

I actually think that is an easy mistake for anyone to make without any other information to go on.

BUT.. MIL expecting an invite to come in was unreasonable, none of the brothers family meeting none of the SILs family for 4 years paints a picture that SIL isn't interested in blending the two at all, and turning up on the doorstep unannounced wouldn't change that.. but if I was the SIL in this case I would make that clear from the get go, that when I'm with my family I'm not going to spend time with the MIL and vice versa, so everyone knows the score and no feelings can be inadvertently hurt.

pikkumyy77 · 14/02/2025 14:00

What is definitely rude here is the MIL and sister in law badgering and criticizing the DIL for not being fully available for the MIL to drop in. Its just weird to me that the MIL ever considered complaining to her son about the fact that DIL had guests and couldn’t cater to someone with too much free time in her hands. And that the SIL put up this whole thread also criticizing her brother’s gf for failing to bend the knee when MIL chose to drive over some freebies.

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/02/2025 13:53

Completelyjo · 14/02/2025 13:42

@sandyhappypeople Because she led MIL to believe she was working..

No she didn’t. Literally nothing in OPs information suggestions SIL led the MIL to believe she was working. Again, it’s still the MILs own fault for assuming the only valid reason for being too busy must be work!

Indeed MIL assumed she was busy working.

Well you know what they say about assuming. You make an ass outta you. 😂

Unavailable could have meant her and her partner were planning a secret day off to have crazy wild sex across the house. That she wanted to sleep all day or binge watch desperate housewives.

Im unavailable today… Im not working im relaxing before the children are off for half term. I certainly don’t want my Mil round today 😅

so many edits for typos. Could throw this phone 📱

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 13:50

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 13:29

Maybe they're all MILs. 😉😂

I'm not a MIL but I can totally understand why MIL unintentionally went wrong in this situation.

I think all this post does if highlight the people with nice MILs, who can easily see why a misunderstanding has occurred, versus the people with horrible MILs who assume she is rude, pushy and arrogant and wants to get her way all the time.

But it could all have been avoided, if my MIL (who is the lovely kind) rang me up and asked if I was free tomorrow, I wouldn't vaguely say 'no I'm unavailable' and let her to assume I was working (because that is what I tell her whenever I'm working) then let her turn up to hear a house full of guests that I have no intention of introducing her to, and make her silently drop off a gift then go away again, I'd tell her what was happening so she knew but also knew not to knock because I was busy with them.

Completelyjo · 14/02/2025 13:42

@sandyhappypeople Because she led MIL to believe she was working..

No she didn’t. Literally nothing in OPs information suggestions SIL led the MIL to believe she was working. Again, it’s still the MILs own fault for assuming the only valid reason for being too busy must be work!

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 13:42

It's vague because, no matter what the dictionary says, 'unavailable' to MIL has always meant 'working'

Well, unavailable has meant out. And it's not vague. "I'm unavailable for a chat" means just that

It doesn't matter what it has previously implied. MIL is not entitled to anything more than "I'm unavailable"

She didn't need to give details

Being available for one thing doesn't mean available for everything, especially when you've already said "I'm not available"

PinkArt · 14/02/2025 13:38

MissDoubleU · 14/02/2025 12:48

I was quite confused earlier by people thinking OP is the SIL, I think it’s far more likely OP is the MIL

I wondered to start with as despite the way it was written the SIL sounded very reasonable to me and the MIL quite needy and boundary pushing.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 13:38

There's always the chance that SIL was supposed to be busy with work etc

But something happened in her family and caused everyone to come round. Maybe a sibling who had a row with their partner which got nasty and they had to flee with the children. Or a death. Or a diagnosis someone wanted to share and felt they couldn't wait. Or a serious accident.

She was flustered when MIL turned up because she hadn't expected her to knock and was trying to process the news.

MIL trying to come in would be beyond rude and unreasonable in this case...

MissDoubleU · 14/02/2025 13:38

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 13:32

Why do you think that? It's absolutely clear that OP is the daughter of the MIL and sister to her mother's son who is SIL's DP.

Yes. I know how it was written. Earlier in the post people accused OP of actually being the SIL posting “as” the MIL’s daughter. I’m saying it’s much more likely to be the MIL, not wanting to post as the MIL and be questioned directly.

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 13:34

BreezyScroller · 14/02/2025 13:03

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member

UNAVAILABLE

adjective

1.not able to be used or obtained; not at someone's disposal.
"material which is unavailable to the researcher"
2.(of a person) not free to do something; otherwise occupied.
"the men were unavailable for work"

What exactly is vague to you sandyhappypeople? 😂

MIL probably didn't have her dictionary with her.

It's vague because, no matter what the dictionary says, 'unavailable' to MIL has always meant 'working', 4 years of meeting up three times and month, unavailable has only ever meant 'working' in which case, she doesn't want to be disturbed, or 'out'... she isn't there to be disturbed, she probably thought if DIL was busy for a specific reason and it was important she not be disturbed she would tell her that, rather then let her believe she was working when she wasn't.

So she was actually available (as in not working or out), she just wasn't available for MIL, which unfortunately wasn't immediately apparent to MIL, no doubt if the house was quiet she would have dropped the stuff and left as usual.

Ultimately I don't think she did anything wrong by knocking on the off chance something had changed, she isn't a stranger as they meet up pretty much every week, but she shouldn't be upset that she wasn't invited in as there was no reason to think she would.

SIL could have just said, I'm having my family round tomorrow, would you mind dropping the stuff in the porch for me instead? or answered the door at the first knock and said "thank you MIL, I'll catch up with you next week if that's okay, my family are here at the minute"

As usual in a lot of posts on here, lack of communication is a contributing factor to what is essentially a misunderstanding, which could easily have been avoided if DIL had been more specific about what the situation was, or if MIL had put two and two together and realised what had happened.

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 13:32

MissDoubleU · 14/02/2025 12:48

I was quite confused earlier by people thinking OP is the SIL, I think it’s far more likely OP is the MIL

Why do you think that? It's absolutely clear that OP is the daughter of the MIL and sister to her mother's son who is SIL's DP.

whatawonderfultime · 14/02/2025 13:31

I would have taken the keys back once partner moved in personally.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 14/02/2025 13:31

I think on reflection nobody is being unreasonable here. MIL isn’t being unreasonable to knock if she thought SIL was actually in, SIL isn’t being unreasonable to not invite her in if she has already indicated to MIL that she’s busy.

It sounds like a communication and expectation difference. SIL could perhaps have said something (sorry, not a good time or I’d invite you in to meet people) and MIL could perhaps have shrugged it off rather than immediately feeling excluded and entitled to be invited in.

I think everyone needs to accept they are different people, this was a one off and no damage done. Move past it. Not worth ruining relationships over.

AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 13:29

AssassinsBlade · 14/02/2025 12:31

Exactly. Some people are really downplaying the MILs rather rude dismissal of the SIL stating she was unavailable at that time. I wonder why? It can’t be about manners or politeness because only one person was rude in this instance and it isn’t the SIL.

Maybe they're all MILs. 😉😂

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 13:29

she could have been clearer about what she was doing instead of making MIL believe that she was working,

She didn't MAKE her MIL believe anything

She gave her all the information she needed - that SIL was unavailable to chat that day. The reason is none of MIL's business

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 14/02/2025 13:28

BreezyScroller · 14/02/2025 13:03

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member

UNAVAILABLE

adjective

1.not able to be used or obtained; not at someone's disposal.
"material which is unavailable to the researcher"
2.(of a person) not free to do something; otherwise occupied.
"the men were unavailable for work"

What exactly is vague to you sandyhappypeople? 😂

Same for @Justanotherperson2025

MissDoubleU · 14/02/2025 13:08

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 12:51

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member, if she actually had her family round, why not just say that? There would have been absolutely no confusion whatsoever!

‘unavailable’ has for 4 years meant working or out, when it became obvious it was neither of those things, imo MIL can be forgiven for thinking maybe her plans had changed and it would be acceptable to see her face to face at the door.

all she did wrong was make an incorrect assumption, based on a total lack of information.

MIL should have probably put two and two together and realised what the situation was, but IMO can be forgiven for thinking it would be okay to knock, SIL should have been more specific if she didn’t want MIL to knock on the door, not just let her think she was working, and assume she would drop off the freebies then go away.

the being upset about not being invited in is a MIL issue unfortunately, I can understand her disappointment, but after not meeting SIL family for 4 years there was no precedent that SIL ever wants that to happen.. so unreasonable to expect it to happen at this stage, I do wonder why though, it’s not something I’ve ever come across but we’re a ‘come one come all’ type family.

Because if she said she had family round it would lead MIL to say “oh, why don’t join you!” And SIL was trying to avoid this and to avoid outright telling MIL she wasn’t welcome on this occasion. Both by declaring herself unavailable and by not answering the door initially. SIL had no obligation to state why she was unavailable, only that she was. What she was doing is entirely her business and she clearly was trying to avoid further questioning.

BreezyScroller · 14/02/2025 13:03

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member

UNAVAILABLE

adjective

1.not able to be used or obtained; not at someone's disposal.
"material which is unavailable to the researcher"
2.(of a person) not free to do something; otherwise occupied.
"the men were unavailable for work"

What exactly is vague to you sandyhappypeople? 😂

pikkumyy77 · 14/02/2025 12:59

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 12:51

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member, if she actually had her family round, why not just say that? There would have been absolutely no confusion whatsoever!

‘unavailable’ has for 4 years meant working or out, when it became obvious it was neither of those things, imo MIL can be forgiven for thinking maybe her plans had changed and it would be acceptable to see her face to face at the door.

all she did wrong was make an incorrect assumption, based on a total lack of information.

MIL should have probably put two and two together and realised what the situation was, but IMO can be forgiven for thinking it would be okay to knock, SIL should have been more specific if she didn’t want MIL to knock on the door, not just let her think she was working, and assume she would drop off the freebies then go away.

the being upset about not being invited in is a MIL issue unfortunately, I can understand her disappointment, but after not meeting SIL family for 4 years there was no precedent that SIL ever wants that to happen.. so unreasonable to expect it to happen at this stage, I do wonder why though, it’s not something I’ve ever come across but we’re a ‘come one come all’ type family.

Maybe she was planning to nap, or masterbate? I don’t see the need for all this parsing of words like unavailable or codebreaking some imagined code of conduct to which we all must adhere.

The DIL has a right to decide what she is doing with her time—whether work or play—and whether she wants to be interrupted or not. A polite text to MIL should have sufficed. Since it did not deter the MIL from knocking instead of dropping her shit and going on about her day the DIL simply reinformed her bf’s mother that now was not a convenient time for a visit.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 14/02/2025 12:55

MissDoubleU · 14/02/2025 12:48

I was quite confused earlier by people thinking OP is the SIL, I think it’s far more likely OP is the MIL

It feels more plausible that way around doesn't it

Lemsipper · 14/02/2025 12:54

I don’t know why you’re acting like your mum isn’t a bit toxic, the fact you said you had to stop her from ringing her son about it speaks volumes to her character. It had nothing to do with her son so she was basically going to call to cause problems

sandyhappypeople · 14/02/2025 12:51

AssassinsBlade · 14/02/2025 12:31

Exactly. Some people are really downplaying the MILs rather rude dismissal of the SIL stating she was unavailable at that time. I wonder why? It can’t be about manners or politeness because only one person was rude in this instance and it isn’t the SIL.

Because she led MIL to believe she was working.. saying she was ‘unavailable’ is a weird and vague thing to say to a family member, if she actually had her family round, why not just say that? There would have been absolutely no confusion whatsoever!

‘unavailable’ has for 4 years meant working or out, when it became obvious it was neither of those things, imo MIL can be forgiven for thinking maybe her plans had changed and it would be acceptable to see her face to face at the door.

all she did wrong was make an incorrect assumption, based on a total lack of information.

MIL should have probably put two and two together and realised what the situation was, but IMO can be forgiven for thinking it would be okay to knock, SIL should have been more specific if she didn’t want MIL to knock on the door, not just let her think she was working, and assume she would drop off the freebies then go away.

the being upset about not being invited in is a MIL issue unfortunately, I can understand her disappointment, but after not meeting SIL family for 4 years there was no precedent that SIL ever wants that to happen.. so unreasonable to expect it to happen at this stage, I do wonder why though, it’s not something I’ve ever come across but we’re a ‘come one come all’ type family.

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