Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

It's not flaunting it in her face
MIL must have been peering in to know people were running in the halls etc

And we don't know if the freebies can wait till another day, whether brother is happy for them to wait, whether MIL is happy to wait, whether it even is a "favour" or more of a tolerated inconvenience

I would have said this was almost a non event if MIL wasn't so upset by it

Its also weird to keep knocking until the door is answered.

So? If she doesn’t want the freebies (either permanently or just this one time) the DIL her should tell not to bring the freebies or come at a different time if she does want them or get her DP to collect them if the freebies are for him.

Not being able to spend time with her MIL because she is working is not her choice. Not being able to spend time with her MIL because she is entertaining her family is the DIL’s choice. It’s a perfectly valid choice but it’s pretty obvious that if you make that choice, don’t give a reason why, then flaunt it in her face by getting her to come round to drop off the freebies, the MIL is going to wonder if the DIL doesn’t like her or if she has done something wrong. Why do that?

My MIL was a boundary stomping nightmare but I wouldn’t have done that to her because it’s rude and hurtful. If someone is taking time to do a favour, have the courtesy to give them your time to thank them. The MIL might be lovely or, as everyone is assuming, a nightmare. Even more reason not to do it if she is because it’s obviously going to provoke drama…

I think it's not that weird for MIL to knock, but it is weird to expect to be invited in when SIL already said she was busy so couldn't see her

It’s also not even about the knocking! If she just knocked and said here are the items for son then we wouldn’t have heard about it, she only knocked because she wanted to be included and she got so angry when she wasn’t that the OP “had to stop her calling her son”!!

This!

It would absolutely drive me insane to have to entertain my mother in law every week just to accept her freebies for her son, she could call around when he was there and come in. Leave me out of it. Hats off to the DIL for putting up with it so long thus far.

There is no indication that the DIL solicits or welcomes the "freebies." MIL dropping them off was established long before DIL was in the picture.

To me, free cakes or crisps or whatever she is bringing would not be worth the weekly hassle of dealing with MIL popping in. That DIL has tolerated it for so long is a credit but she's not required to revolve her work or social life around these intrusions. Let MIL bring the stuff when sonny boy is home.

MIL drops things off instead of knocking the door when she knows SIL can't physically answer it (because she is in a meeting etc), if DIL is physically able to answer the door and take them in I really don't see why she would make MIL drop them in the porch then silently go away, just because she has got her family round, it seems quite cold IMO to someone she spends so much time with usually.

She must enjoy receiving the gifts/spending time with MIL, because she could easily lie and say she is in meetings most of the time if she didn't really want to be bothered to see her, MIL would never know if that was true or not and seems to respect it when DIL tells her she is, but OP says that has only happened a handful of times in 4 years.. the rest of the time they meet up almost every week and even go places together.

I don't think MIL should have expected an invite, so maybe that's where the problem lies, but DIL opening the door and taking the gifts off her with a thank you would have just been common courtesy IMO.

Its SIL's house too.

I can only assume these freebies are food that needs to be consumed that day
And that either brother really likes them so SIL puts up with the weekly drop off for him or MIL gets very hurt if you try and refuse and insists on bringing them round at X time (presumably on the way home from work) so refusing or offering a different day/time wouldn't work

And tbh I expected this thread to be about MIL spotting another man in the house and assuming SIL was cheating or something, trying to keep her out so she didn't see him. And that she just "couldn't help herself" when she knocked because she had been spying in and wanted to let her know she'd been "caught".

The MIL has done this before though. It is not the first time she has dropped off things when SIL has been unavailable. It’s only an issue now in the four years she has been doing it because MIL saw people in there and felt she needed to be included despite being told beforehand that SIL was unavailable.

Considering MIL and OP expected SIL to invite MIL in anyway despite her being busy, and MIL is hurt enough to go to her son about it shows that they have little thought and consideration to SIL’s space and privacy. She should be able to have family over in her own home without needing to inform them.

I despair at all the people who think it’s okay to arrange for someone to drop something off when you are entertaining 🙄

The SIL should have asked her to come at a different time or skip the freebies this time rather than tell her to drop them in the porch. It’s so rude. It’s obvious that her MIL is going to wonder if her DIL doesn’t like her if she doesn’t even want to say hi when her family are there. Possibly her family might also think the MIL is rude not coming in to say hello or doesn’t want to meet them or their DD is embarrassed by them. Why would anyone do something knowing it could be interpreted in a way that might hurt someone’s feelings?

I had thought about the MIL checking up on her too! Weekly visits and peeking in the window to see what she’s doing and who she’s with because she isn’t available to let me inside. It would get very grating, I can’t imagine any freebies being worth the constant arranging of what to do with them

No
It's the same amount of intrusion
You still have to pause conversation, take time out to come to the door, head back, fend off the "Oh who was that?" Comments before getting back to what was actually being discussed...

Leaving in the porch has been a well established possibility. It's not like SIL asked MIL to bring it round, MIL has been doing this for years

Your DM is very needy imho

All this dropping off of unnecessary freebies

If I were the SIL it would drive me bonkers all this intrusion

SIL is very gracious taking her on days out to places and inviting her in for coffee

She was entertaining other visitors. Of course she didn't invite your mom in. Your mom was supposed to leave the stuff on the porch, not knock and try to barge SIL's get together. Mom was rude.

I would agree with you if MIL wasn't actually taking something round for them, which they obviously want to accept, just rocking up for a visit at a time when you have been told someone is unavailable is rude, but nipping round to knock on the door, hand something over then leave again is different.

Imagine the horror of having to pause conversation, and open the door to receive something that someone is kindly dropping off for you.

MN is an odd place at times.

My mother is still in her 50s, does not need entertaining and does not intrude.

But on this occasion she DID intrude. Your SIL had already let her know that she wasn't available. Nonetheless your mum (perhaps innocently) intruded. I don't understand why your mum is upset, or wanting to talk to your brother? What's she's going to say, "Your partner was extremely polite and gracious to me when I inadvertently intruded on her private time with her family in her own home. Isn't she fantastic!"?

I would always tell my family I am unavailable when I'm busy. I wouldn't give them a explanation as to what I am up to. I don't like (my mother in particular) taking it upon herself to decide whether what I am up to is actually important enough for me to ignore the summons of.

Mother: Can you do lunch today
Me: sorry I am already having lunch with friend
Mother: I can't believe you'd rather see them than me... cue week of sulking

but I honestly don't see the problem with knocking on the door to do the hand over.

Knocking on the door is interrupting whatever SIL is up to. She would have had to pause conversation, excuse herself and then come and open the door

It's not like knocking the door is a hassle free experience

Agree with this.

Dropping in is rude to begin with, dropping in and hearing activity from within the house and beating on the door until it is "finally" opened is beyond rude. Who tries to insert themselves into someone else's social event?

Was MIL checking up on her daughter-in-law? What is so valuable about these "freebies" that they must be delivered posthaste; why can't she stockpile until her son has time to fetch them? (Unless it's foodstuffs, in which case it's probably a burden. No one needs an endless stream of treats coming through the door and I doubt it's lean steak, chicken or veggies...).

No, its exactly as I said, I'd think something had changed and the fact that she was not working meant I could see her quickly at the door to hand things over rather than leave it like a DPD driver.

I wouldn't assume I would be let in, or insert myself into the situation, in fact I'd like to think I'd realise the reason she had said she was unavailable is because she didn't want me to actually come in and meet her family, so would just hand things over and go, but I honestly don't see the problem with knocking on the door to do the hand over.

There's probably more to this story that OP isn't even aware of, there's a reason SIL has kept quiet what she is doing and not answered the door when MIL knocked, then answered the door just to shut her down, it does seem like MIL saw an opportunity to meet SILs family, maybe she is not easy to say no to and DIL was trying to avoid it altogether, or maybe MIL would have tried to push for an invite if she knew DIL was having family round, only DIL can really answer that one.

Out of interest do any of you people tell your family you are 'unavailable' and leave it at that (I'm not talking about work), when they ask if you want to meet up? Maybe I'm the odd one out, but unless it was someone I didn't like or wanted to fob off I'd just tell them what I was doing? Maybe I've answered my own question there!

Either way, I don't think knocking the door when it is someone you have been spending time with pretty much every week for 4 years and seemingly get on well with is rude, no.

Also the number of people who think it's perfectly normal for a 50 year old woman to some how knock a door without thinking about it...

She became unreasonable when she went to tattle to another family member and wanted to tell the son, presumably to berate the DIL.

If it was just a misunderstanding she would've taken the answer from the DIL and maybe just addressed directly with her next time "sorry, I hadn't realised you were busy, I assumed when I heard people inside your plans had changed so I thought I'd say hi". Rather than escalating it into a family drama