Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Better communication could have avoided this. Rather than saying she was unavailable (which given their normal visits ypur mum likely assumed meant she was out, and so on seeing she was in she knocked). SIL should have just said no to that date, sounds like she’s too eager for the work freebies tbh. Or said I’ve got people round so can’t do x date how about y instead. Asking someone (esp someone you normally socialise with) to drop off something in the porch while you are in the house is just plain odd. Absolutely don’t have to merge different social groups but then plan better. The freebies from work were not that urgent.

I'd have asked your mother to come on a different day to avoid the situation that arose.

I mean, you’d think OP’s DM had thrown a firebomb through the letterbox from some of these reactions. How dare she turn up bearing goodies, as she usually amicably comfortably does, and have the absolute gall to shock horror knock on the door.

I probably would have knocked on the door too, though I wouldn’t have taken offence at not being invited in.

I wouldn’t have minded your DM knocking on the door either though, but I probably would have said something along the lines of “ooh thanks for the freebies, long story but sorry I can’t invite you in today, can we catch up tomorrow / later / will message you later”.

I don’t think your DM was wrong to knock, I don’t think your SIL was wrong to turn her away. I do think SIL could have phrased it better. And I think DM is probably overthinking it a bit.

Desperate to know what these freebies are though 😂

Has she told you why she felt the need to knock and ignore the I’ll be busy please leave in the porch.

Because that’s where the whole issue starts. Her need to start knocking which honestly does seem to be from a place of well she’s clearly not to busy for them so why for me. FOMO type thing.

@ThatRubyMoose I think the assumptions that your mum works with food in some way are down to how frequent her visits to drop things off are. It makes more sense if they're things with a short shelf life - baked goods, meat etc.
If it's something else altogether then I'm a bit baffled about why she has to visit so frequently (I'm someone who would definitely find hosting someone that often intrusive though) when SIL is working and not when her actual child is there. Surely you'd just pop whatever the mysterious things are in a cupboard until you made plans with your son.

I just made up the butcher thing as I was thinking of something that would be perishable and need to be delivered on a particular day 😆 I think what the thing DM brings round is makes a difference here as some things could be brought on a different day, some could not

Your mother knocked on the door as she has fear of missing out ! and is nosy.

Why does anyone need an excuse or a justification for not telling someone when they have visitors, or not inviting someone into their home?! She gave all the explanation that was needed which was that she was unavailable, because she was unavailable.
She didn't invite MIL to bring anything to her house. MIL has been bringing items to the house since before SIL lived there, SIL just interrupts her working day to facilitate that most weeks. This week that wasn't an option.

She instructed MIL to come but to leave the stuff in the porch. So she had told her to come.

She said she wasn't available, but the fact that she did come to the door meant she was available, or certainly appeared to be. Surely she could have made an effort to be polite and said "Hi Mil, thank you, we'll do something next week." That's a ten second job and would have made MIL feel like part of the family instead of a post person.

This. I bet she would gladly forego whatever-it-is in order for some peace and privacy.

The idea of peering in the windows and beating on the door when someone is entertaining! So utterly entitled.

Exactly. I HIGHLY doubt that DIL asked MIL to drop off the items.

My view here is the sister in law was pretty rude. I take it MIL is doing a favour dropping stuff off. To tell a family member to leave on the porch when you are home with your own family, is pretty weird to me. Manners and just general friendliness and kindness would be to invite them in to meet the family - even if it is a quick hello/cup of tea etc. To me it is kind of treating people like staff to ask them to leave stuff on the porch and leave.

I don't understand the assumption people are making that the sister-in-law demanded that the mother drop those things off that day.

For all we know, mother texted sister-in-law and said "hey I've got some things for you, I can bring them on Tuesday," and sister-in-law said "oh I'm not going to be available Tuesday, can you do another day," and mother said no. 🤷‍♀️

How about the fact SIL didn't invite MIL to drop off the items, it's what she does every week?
Or that SIL had already said she wasn't available to greet her?
Or that some conversations shouldn't be interrupted. Which is why the first knock was ignored.

If you're choosing not to answer the door to greet/thank someone you've invited to bring items to your house, then you need a better excuse than you don't want to pause conversation. That's not enough justification for me.

OP is clearly biased in favour of MIL though. So her comments will try to paint her in the better light. And 4 years is a long time. Being ok at the start doesn't mean being ok continuously but it becomes hard to stop things

I've often just said "can't make that/not available". I don't feel the need to share excess detail about my life with others

As an aside, I would never declare myself "unavailable" either. It's "I can't make that day because x" even if that's "I pencilled that day in for a chill film day" or something.

I don't know anyone who does that.

It's a standard "I can't that day" and that's enough for everybody.

OP wrote:

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.
On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

It hasn’t been an issue until now because MIL saw others there.

It is ridiculous to make SIL out to be rude when she was unavailable as she said. It is not her fault that MIL has a different definition in her mind to SIL.

Also, I have heard plenty of people say they are unavailable to do xyz or for a certain day and have said so myself without feeling the need to explain why and I have never expected one to give me a reason for why not because it’s none of my business.

I find it bananas how some posters have chosen to disregard all the information that OP gives; that SIL gets on well with DM and that DM stopped visiting when SIL moved in, until SIL encouraged her to start again, planning time for her. It reads like a good relationship.

Much easier though to think that the OP is lying and that MIL is forcing SIL to take "tat" they don't want whenever it's least convenient so that she can wilfully intrude or, better, catch SIL cheating.

It's unhinged. SIL was rude, not hugely, but should have just rescheduled the whole thing to make sure DM (who she likes) being offended by being treated like someone working for SIL not her MIL.

Stop crowbarring nonsense between the lines and read what it says in the original post.

As an aside, I would never declare myself "unavailable" either. It's "I can't make that day because x" even if that's "I pencilled that day in for a chill film day" or something.

Flaunt is not only weird but a ridiculous word to use.

How is spending time with your own family in your home flaunting?

All MIL had to do was drop these things off as she has before when SIL was unavailable or choose to do so at a time that the SIL was available to not only take them but also be available to give MIL her attention. SIL doesn’t need to share what her plans are for what she is doing in her own home nor is MIL entitled to know.

This is also not a favour to SIL. It is MIL choosing to drop these items off as she has done for years before SIL was in the picture. Bet she would have been upset if SIL had stopped this when she moved in and it would have soured relations from then on.

It’s OTT to be this upset over not being allowed in, knowing before you even got there that the person was unavailable.

it just shows you how materialistic most of MN is focussing so much on the bloody freebies. I expect DIL doesn’t give a monkeys about them