Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

Make an effort? Do you mean say hello and thank you?

She should absolutely justify herself if she's not able to be polite.

I almost fear for future generations, but then I remember that MN is not reflective of any reality I've ever known.

No, she doesn't have to justify herself.

She said "I'm not available. Leave in the porch" which is the established procedure

It's not a one off, it's almost weekly. The gifts become a hindrance almost at a point if you are expected to make an effort every time they are dropped off

Quite

But it's abundantly clear now that SIL can do no right.

Such strange focus on SIL needing some extra exact “form of words” that would have made this absolutely non event palatable to MIL.

1. MIL historically drops off her tat at her own convenience after her work or on her way home or on her way somewhere. If it is out of her way we have not heard that and she has been doing it for four years.

2. we know this is her choice/her style because her pattern doesn’t vary whether DIL is available for a playdate or not.

3. We do not know what SIL said or didn’t say at the door. We don’t know whether she JADED (justified, argued, defended, explained) or just said with mild annoyance “didn’t you get my text? I am not available.?”

4. Either way it has never been incumbent upon MIL to deliver non perishable freebies at all ir on a specific day at the DIL’s request. The DIL just goes slong eith MIL’s wish as to drop iff snd accommodates her with a visit if she csn.

I think DIL has been more than gracious all these years.

Not gushingly grateful no, but polite.

If SIL didn't have the time to be polite she should have foregone the high end "shit" and explained that MIL couldn't come at all.

Hi MIL, I've got family coming on Tuesday and the house will be chaos/my sister has had a breakup/I'm designing a Twister tournament for the kids so may be unable to even get to the door so as much as I'd love to see you, I'm afraid we're going to have to skip this one.

Will work something out for next week when we can catch up properly.

DIL xx

Nothing also stopped MIL from saying she rather drop it off a different time if she wanted to turn it into a visit.

If someone says they’re unavailable and I wanted to see them, I would ask about a different day. Otherwise, I would just drop it off and text them that I have and go about my way.

Plenty of people have said SIL should have said "I can't make X time, what about Y?"

It was in response to them

And BTW, you don't have to be gushingly grateful to someone giving you constant shit from work. It just becomes a farce tbh after 4 years. They aren't special or unique or unexpected

She told her she wasn’t unavailable. I don’t know why people think unavailable doesn’t mean busy and MIL still agreed to drop it off anyway as she has done the rare times SIL has been unavailable.

I would not want to deal with telling someone I’m unavailable and then having them expect to know the reason when it has nothing to do with them so they can judge whether or not it meets their standards of if I’m actually available in their eyes or not.

Your mother was told she wasn't available for a visit. What made her think she had the right to impose herself upon her like that when she'd been told not to? What if SIL had a family member round to tell them face to face that they had some terrible news or something? Then your mother arrives knocking doors and taking the hump because she wasn't included? What is it with MIL that makes them think they're somehow above their DIL? I mean to be fair, I wouldn't treat my sons girlfriend like his wife until she was his wife so there's that but even so, your mother needs to learn to respect boundaries.

Oh bless you.

She's taking SIL high end gifts, and you want her to go out of her way to do that when it's not convenient for her? So that SIL doesn't have to pause her conversation to say thank you?

I'd love someone I like to intrude on my doorstep expecting thanks for the high end gifts they're dropping off. I think most people could put up with that tbh.

Are you ok? You seem like you need help….

I didn’t take it that way at all but then I’m not materialistic

Freebies are dropped round based on MIL's schedule

Which means it was HER not SIL who requested the Tuesday drop off and it's organised to be convenient to her

But those wanting to claim SIL was horribly rude and grabby based on "all the info" chose to ignore that bit

My take on it is that the freebies are taken for granted and SIL should have just said please don’t call round today, I have visitors, but she wanted the free stuff so wouldn’t do that.

Yet she normally welcomes her in and seems to willingly spend quite a bit of time with her and has done at least twice a month for the last 4 years.

But that doesn't really fit with the narrative you have created I suppose.

Thank you!

Well, if the goods aren't perishable, that's even more bizarre. Dropping round weekly to pass along a client's cast-offs is quite intrusive. DIL must be inwardly fed up, and her irritation finally showed when her family gathering was interrupted.

MIL was told that DIL was unavailable. She was rude to repeatedly knock.

@pencilcaseandcabbage there you go

Ah I missed that. I'm on the android app atm so there is no way to show all OPs posts. I thought I had scrolled all the way through.

OP has explained what the freebies are and it’s not baked goods

Ah, you see in my head, MiL works in a bakery or similar and is bringing round unsold cakes or pastries from that day as a treat. I can't imagine it being anything other than perishable food if the regularity and consistently is annoying to go by.

But if it were any of those groups, SiL could have just said "thank you for dropping these round, I'm sorry I can't invite you in because I'm in the middle of book club" or even just "...because I have people here". That would be infinitely better than just saying "didn't you get my text to just leave it in the porch", which was just rude and hurtful.

I am wondering if a PP was correct and that this is a regional or generational thing. I'm from the north of England and it was normal to just call in on other family members. If they were busy you'd just say hello and wouldn't stay but they would still invite you in or explain why they couldn't. It's also really odd to just drop something off without knocking and saying hello.

So I think MiL was perfectly fine to knock when she saw SiL was in and could hear people chatting. If it were me I would have handed the thing over, said hello, but noted that SiL was busy so wouldn't stay. SiL would ideally have said thank you and apologised for not being able to invite MiL in. That way social niceties have been met on both sides and no hurt feelings.

She WAS intrusive - she has been told SIL was busy - it is not MIL business what was making SIL busy
She heard noises in SIL house and thinks well, thats not busy IMO and then knocks until she gets an answer
SIL was polite, she answered her door after it was continuously knocked on (which is rude)
No one is owed entry to a house just cos others are inside

If i was the SIL, the door wouldnt have got answered at all, we have cameras, I door screen and if ive said im not available, well the door will not be answered. Zero f*cks given

My only question: Do you get some of these freebies she has?

As to the other; SIL should have just asked your Mom to drop the stuff off another day. I am sure your Mom was just surprised to see others there and knocked without giving it thought. I think, all in all, no harm, no foul on both sides.