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Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

964 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 13/02/2025 18:48

I genuinely want people to be honest; I’m interested in what people think.

About four years ago my brother’s partner moved in with him; she has her own business and works from home. Up until then my mother used to go round and clean for my brother (yes I know). My mother also gets a few freebies from her employer so she would leave these in the house.

When his partner moved in, my mother naturally stopped this out of respect for his partner and not to invade her privacy. However, SiL was more than happy to see my mum. She told her to text her when she was going to drop stuff round.

So for four years two or three times a month, Mum sends a text and Sister-in-Law will stop work, make a coffee, elevenses, or lunch depending on what she is doing and they will have a chat. On the back of this, SiL might find out something Mum likes, so they will go to garden centre or stately home together.

So in four years there has been a handful of times when SiL hasn’t been available, either because she will be out, on a zoom etc. and told Mum to leave stuff in porch. All good, no issue.

On Monday evening SiL texts to say she wasn’t available on Tuesday and just leave stuff in porch. Absolutely no issue.

When Mum arrived there were people in the house and a couple of kids running in the hall so my mum knocked on the door a couple of times when finally SiL opens it and seems surprised Mum is there asking her didn’t she get the text asking her to leave the stuff in the porch.

SiL was with her family and didn’t invite my mum in to meet them. As SiL knows my mum is not intrusive and would not have overstayed her welcome. My mum is so upset but we have stopped her ringing Bro.

So essentially my mum was asked to leave stuff in porch but knocked door anyway - would you have done this?

SiL answered but didn’t invite her in. Would you have done this?

OP posts:
KeepDancing74 · 16/02/2025 11:36

Are these 'high-end' items being dropped off for the brother alcohol, by any chance? There could be all sorts of reasons why SiL didn't want to leave these particular visitors to answer the door, then walk back into the house carrying eg a bottle of champagne

tommyhoundmum · 16/02/2025 07:05

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 18:10

when MIL shows up with the freebies doesn't mean she isn't inwardly seething at yet another interruption and yet another pile of tat to deal with

it’s just unbelievable.
I am SO GLAD I only have daughters.

And I'm so glad I'll never be a mother-in-law never knowing if you are doing right or wrong.

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 02:59

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/02/2025 01:32

I still don't understand why MIL cannot hold on to the items until her son, who wants them, can collect them.

Why does she feel the need to consistently intrude on the DIL's precious time? Talk about tone deaf.

presumably because she is trying to be / believes she is being helpful!!!!! (By delivering free stuff they want to their door),

There is no suggestion from OP that Son/ DIL feel otherwise.

If they do all they need to do is tell her, like normal, polite , considerate people!!!

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 02:53

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 20:08

It's weird to me. DP's family are different to my own so adjustments have been made on both sides, but they mean well and want the best for us. We are lucky to have all the people who are fighting our corner, even when things don't go 100% smoothly they have accepted me warts and all, and love our children to pieces.

I hope to be able to do the same for my own children, and am fully prepared to work at that.

I do think some people see in-laws as a challenge from the off, or assume families will blend seamlessly without problems, and don't cope when challenges come up. Expect problems and work on those in good faith, like with everything. Some people are dickheads of course, but also so many relationships break down because some look for the bad and not the good in people.

My PIL can be a moody arse, but he is also generous and kind and I know if I needed anything from him he wouldn't hesitate to step up and I'd do the same for him. I can be a stubborn opinionated shit too and he puts up with that with more grace than I deserve sometimes. I respect him a lot.

right xx

Lostcat · 16/02/2025 02:51

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:13

what this thread is showing, is that over-bearing and rude MIL don't deserve any space or time

If you intend to peer at the window to check what's happening into your kids' partners house, bang at the door until someone finally opens the door, go home in a huff and cry to the family threatening to make a scene to the partner.. then you might have a problem indeed 😂

It’s bonkers that what you have taken away from MIL delivering free stuff to her sons/ DIL’s doorstep is that she’s is rude and overbearing. Attitudes like this fill me with relief I only have daughters.

bevm72yellow · 16/02/2025 01:36

If it is any help to your Mum some families like to have their own "space" on in law or out law side. Traditional families sometimes invite everybody in that turns up at the door. If I had family I did not see frequently I would like time with them on my own. Similar to a pecking order so I can understand why the sister in law was holding space between the two families

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/02/2025 01:32

I still don't understand why MIL cannot hold on to the items until her son, who wants them, can collect them.

Why does she feel the need to consistently intrude on the DIL's precious time? Talk about tone deaf.

BettyBardMacDonald · 16/02/2025 01:29

sherbertcandy · 15/02/2025 21:28

I'm sorry but am I missing something here....SIL is totally rude not inviting MIL in and introducing her to her family!! I would NEVER do that as find it very rude that she kept them separate!

People are allowed to have boundaries.

Perhaps MIL's self-centered pushiness makes it undesirable to introduce her to others.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 22:50

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:22

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve read the OP’s posts.

The SIL sounds bloody rude to me on this occasion. She’s happy to take freebies from the OP’s mum so frankly the very least she could have done is invite her in once she’d knocked. She obviously expects the OP’s mum to come round and drop freebies off even if she’s not available so to be honest she sounds quite grasping.

She obviously doesn't expect that
OP said things are dropped off to suit MIL's schedule which means SIL doesn't have a say in when it is

Most of the time she goes out of her way to speak with MIL, even taking her out on trips, but she's now a greedy, grasping bitch because ONE time she is unavailable because she dares to spend some time with her own family for once

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 15/02/2025 22:47

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 18:10

when MIL shows up with the freebies doesn't mean she isn't inwardly seething at yet another interruption and yet another pile of tat to deal with

it’s just unbelievable.
I am SO GLAD I only have daughters.

Who will be someone's DIL

Think about that ....

sherbertcandy · 15/02/2025 21:28

I'm sorry but am I missing something here....SIL is totally rude not inviting MIL in and introducing her to her family!! I would NEVER do that as find it very rude that she kept them separate!

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 20:46

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:33

Come on, she didn't just "knock on the door" like a polite human being. How would she know the house was full looking at closed front door for a start?

Through the windows at the front? Because she can hear them?

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 20:40

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:33

Come on, she didn't just "knock on the door" like a polite human being. How would she know the house was full looking at closed front door for a start?

It'd be fairly obvious at my house. If it wasn't obvious she probably wouldn't have rung the bell at all

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:33

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 20:21

A supportive and generous mil deserves "no time or space" because she once knocked on a door, assuming she'd be welcome to say a quick hello? Fuck me human relationships have fallen apart. Presumably sil will never want any kindness or favours from mil in the future either. I only hope that sil is in fact not thinking any of the things attributed to her by posters on here and in fact was just a bit flustered and uncharacteristically thoughtless. I actually would mention to mu db that mum was upset so they can reach out and smoothe things over

Come on, she didn't just "knock on the door" like a polite human being. How would she know the house was full looking at closed front door for a start?

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 20:21

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:13

what this thread is showing, is that over-bearing and rude MIL don't deserve any space or time

If you intend to peer at the window to check what's happening into your kids' partners house, bang at the door until someone finally opens the door, go home in a huff and cry to the family threatening to make a scene to the partner.. then you might have a problem indeed 😂

A supportive and generous mil deserves "no time or space" because she once knocked on a door, assuming she'd be welcome to say a quick hello? Fuck me human relationships have fallen apart. Presumably sil will never want any kindness or favours from mil in the future either. I only hope that sil is in fact not thinking any of the things attributed to her by posters on here and in fact was just a bit flustered and uncharacteristically thoughtless. I actually would mention to mu db that mum was upset so they can reach out and smoothe things over

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:15

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 19:47

It's horrible isn't it? My mil is pretty hard work tbh but she is dh's mum and loves us all and being kind amd rolerant is part of being a family., not something to seethe with resentment over.

I agree that seething with resentment is wrong.

Putting a foot down and kindly be firm, like the DIL on this thread? perfect.

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 20:13

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 18:26

Clearly not, as evidenced by this insane thread

what this thread is showing, is that over-bearing and rude MIL don't deserve any space or time

If you intend to peer at the window to check what's happening into your kids' partners house, bang at the door until someone finally opens the door, go home in a huff and cry to the family threatening to make a scene to the partner.. then you might have a problem indeed 😂

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 20:08

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 19:47

It's horrible isn't it? My mil is pretty hard work tbh but she is dh's mum and loves us all and being kind amd rolerant is part of being a family., not something to seethe with resentment over.

It's weird to me. DP's family are different to my own so adjustments have been made on both sides, but they mean well and want the best for us. We are lucky to have all the people who are fighting our corner, even when things don't go 100% smoothly they have accepted me warts and all, and love our children to pieces.

I hope to be able to do the same for my own children, and am fully prepared to work at that.

I do think some people see in-laws as a challenge from the off, or assume families will blend seamlessly without problems, and don't cope when challenges come up. Expect problems and work on those in good faith, like with everything. Some people are dickheads of course, but also so many relationships break down because some look for the bad and not the good in people.

My PIL can be a moody arse, but he is also generous and kind and I know if I needed anything from him he wouldn't hesitate to step up and I'd do the same for him. I can be a stubborn opinionated shit too and he puts up with that with more grace than I deserve sometimes. I respect him a lot.

longestlurkerever · 15/02/2025 19:47

tommyhoundmum · 15/02/2025 18:09

I'm going to boast now as have got 2 jars of early rhubarb jam. One of the greatest things out of Yorkshire imo.

It's horrible isn't it? My mil is pretty hard work tbh but she is dh's mum and loves us all and being kind amd rolerant is part of being a family., not something to seethe with resentment over.

TheWonderhorse · 15/02/2025 19:37

Boredoutofmyhead · 15/02/2025 18:25

Sil doesn't owe MIL an explanation.
She's allowed to do her own thing without the 3rd degree.
Mils in the wrong.
Tying yourself in knots trying to blame the sil.
Sil has been nothing but nice and welcoming.

There is no third degree, there is an obligation to either a) be polite to people bringing you gifts.
b) provide a reasonable justification for the impolite behaviour

OR

People will think you're rude.

No knots, it's quite simple.

steff13 · 15/02/2025 18:39

Maybe she enjoys spending time with her mother-in-law and the freebies don't matter to her one way or the other.

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:37

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/02/2025 18:32

IS she happy, though? The OP says it's the son who likes the freebies. Why doesn't MIL deliver them on his time, rather than on DIL's?

She’s got a tongue in her head, hasn’t she? As does the brother?

BettyBardMacDonald · 15/02/2025 18:32

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:22

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve read the OP’s posts.

The SIL sounds bloody rude to me on this occasion. She’s happy to take freebies from the OP’s mum so frankly the very least she could have done is invite her in once she’d knocked. She obviously expects the OP’s mum to come round and drop freebies off even if she’s not available so to be honest she sounds quite grasping.

IS she happy, though? The OP says it's the son who likes the freebies. Why doesn't MIL deliver them on his time, rather than on DIL's?

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 18:30

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 18:22

I haven’t RTFT but I’ve read the OP’s posts.

The SIL sounds bloody rude to me on this occasion. She’s happy to take freebies from the OP’s mum so frankly the very least she could have done is invite her in once she’d knocked. She obviously expects the OP’s mum to come round and drop freebies off even if she’s not available so to be honest she sounds quite grasping.

exactly. But apparently SIL is being generous to let her deliver said freebies at a time of her convenience, and therefore she must leave them on the doorstep without a peep. Furthermore , she’s outrageously disrespectful for daring to have emotions 😆

Lostcat · 15/02/2025 18:26

BreezyScroller · 15/02/2025 18:23

if you are a decent human being and respect boundaries, it's irrelevant.

Clearly not, as evidenced by this insane thread

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