Sister-in-Law didn’t invite my mother in

MIL is rude. SIL said she was unavailable and to leave the stuff on the porch. Why knock on the door and be nosy / intrusive? Is SIL not allowed to have guests over without uninvited guests? SIL said she was unavailable and didn’t feel pressured to invite the uninvited guests. Good on her.

There's many number of reasons why she wouldn't invite in MIL. Maybe someone in her family was going through something and needed to talk to SIL for advice, in a private situation like that it wouldn't be right to invite MIL in. If SIL is otherwise kind and welcoming to MIL then I'd just leave it, she obviously had her reasons and stated beforehand that she'd be unavailable. I think MIL was rude to knock just because she heard other people in the house, it's not an open invitation.

@BettyBardMacDonald

'A grown woman beating at the door when she can see someone is entertaining visitors - honestly, who does that? Let alone crying and threatening to tattle to her son. What was she going to say? "your girlfriend wouldn't let me in to her afternoon tea! It's your house and I am your mother so I must be deferred to at all times! How dare she declare herself 'unavailable' to me!"

exactly !

then she tells her own daughter, who takes her side.

I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that son does now know about his mother's fomo...

Now I want some Wensleydale with cranberries. Love that one.

I think I am reading the situation much more clearly than you are.

Literally the only thing that was different on this occasion was that MIL was not invited in. So anyone defending her behaviour must think that she is right to be upset by that. It is, in fact, pretty much the entire point of the OP which says 'she was so upset not to be invited in'.

Perhaps you need to re-read OP's posts.

Who said anything about "wouldn't be nice"? I'm sure all my friends would be courteous and civil to anyone I introduced them to. But if I'm hosting a a few of my old clubbing mates and the booze is flowing, I'm not going to invite in (for example) a quiet, introverted friend who doesn't know them and gets a bit anxious at parties. Nor am I going to invite in DP's very sensible sister and her 4yo.

Similarly if we're hosting DP's sister and her family I'm probably not going to invite in my bolshy activist mates who like to swearily set the world to rights.

I don't consider it a personality change to behave differently with all these people, it's just different sides of my personality.

You obviously haven't read PP saying "well if she'd just said she was with family then..."

Aka "justify your availability to me"

Ffs

MIL is a 50 year old adult

She can make a decision on whether she wants to drop off in the porch or not

She also made the decision to knock and have a strop because "unavailable" didn't mean what she thought it should and sulk that she couldn't gatecrash

And Fwiw plenty of PP have said she should have justified her unavailability

“My SiL gets on with my mum; SiL initiated the relationship. She also invites my mum on outings , I imagine because they get on and have the same attitude to things not because sister enjoys what I called the ‘freebies’.

I reiterate on the occasions SiL isn’t available stuff is left in the porch. No issue.
on this

Almost always SiL will extend visit or even ask her to accompany her somewhere.
We accept that Mum should not have knocked on door but the intention was not to intrude or demand introductions.”

@Lostcat this is what OP has said regarding the relationship between the two women. I think you’re putting your own interpretation in things to be honest. Nothing that OP has said points to SIL being the selfish materialistic grabber that you are making her out to be. And OP has said their relationship seems to be built on a mutual attitude and not love of freebies. She also said MIL accepts she shouldn’t have knocked.

it sounds like there was confusion and misunderstanding on both sides, but SIL had told her MIL that she wasn’t available, which you can’t seem to accept.

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why*

Well then you are not listening and evidently rather obtuse.

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

But being unavailable wasn’t the problem 🤣🤣🤣🤣

There was absolutely no need for DIL to justify and explain herself. All she needed to do was to ask MIL not to deliver the gifts at that time.

I can only conclude from this thread that some people think they are owed an explanation as to what other people are doing, and why. And that simply being told that someone is busy or unavailable isn't sufficient. By logical extension, then they think that they get to judge whether that explanation meets THEIR threshold of reasonableness.

They don't, I'm afraid. That's absolute nonsense.

Yes, MIL COULD avoid it by NOT going when she'd been told the DIL was unavailable

It's not up to MIL to judge what is acceptable as unavailable. She was told the person she was visiting was unavailable and still decided to go and just drop in the doorway.

DIL does not have to justify what she means by unavailable. She gave MIL that information. MIL could have not gone round. She could have not knocked the door and tried to intrude. She could have been a big girl about it and not made a scene. It was MIL who made all these choices and made an issue.

Again, MIL had no issue with DIL being unavailable.
Leaving the gift at the door wasn’t an issue.

The issue was being expected to deliver gifts to the doorstep without a peep while DIL was obviously inside the house entertaining others. This was an issue for MIL because she experienced this treatment as rude, disrespectful and hurtful. Many, many others would feel the same as demonstrated by this thread .

MIL couldn’t avoid this situation ( by arranging delivery for a different day) as she had no idea it was going to occur. The only person who knew this in advance and could have taken action to avoid it was DIL. If she had an ounce of consideration and respect for her MIL she would have done so.

*highlights the word you seem unable to understand and read

I think they are trying to highlight the word ‘unavailable’ which so many posters seem to be having trouble with.

I am trying to imagine the lives of these people who don't understand simple terminology like "unavailable."

Availability or lack thereof has nothing to do with physical presence or absence.

If your manager says "Janet, I'm not available this afternoon," and then you see her in her office, do you knock? Let alone knock repeatedly until she gets up and comes to the door?

If your hair stylist says she is unavailable on Tuesday, but you walk past the salon and she's in there talking to someone, do you waltz in and demand service?

And so on. Anyone is free to declare herself unavailable, whether she is performing neo-natal neurosurgery or sitting in front of Netflix with a bag of crisps. It's not up to anyone to question that.

A grown woman beating at the door when she can see someone is entertaining visitors - honestly, who does that? Let alone crying and threatening to tattle to her son. What was she going to say? "your girlfriend wouldn't let me in to her afternoon tea! It's your house and I am your mother so I must be deferred to at all times! How dare she declare herself 'unavailable' to me!"

It would be amusing if it weren't so sad to see a 50-something adult be so clueless.

Here we are with the capital letters again. I'm not sure it makes your argument any more persuasive. Just underlines the unwarranted aggression.

Because she knew DIL was UNAVAILABLE

Doesn't matter why she's unavailable. She is and if you want to go in you make other plans when told it doesn't work for her

Knocking the door and expecting to be let in is rude. You ignored instructions, could have made plans to come another time if leaving it was an issue and intruded upon SIL's time with other people.

I'm not failing to grasp anything, thanks.

it's not rude to be unavailable when you have warned someone the previous day that you will be unavailable. The reason is none of MIL's business.

And by the way, MIL isn't 'expected' to deliver anything, she chooses to do so.

No, MIL made it clear she was upset that she wasn’t INVITED INSIDE. This isn’t a “she was rude at the door” issue, according to OP, the issue was the lack of invite to join in DIL’s plans. When DIL opened the door she expected to be let inside, and was very upset this did not happen. THIS makes the MIL rude and entitled.

What part of privacy don't people understand?

MIL seems to think she's on a pedestal, perhaps because her son owns the house, and that she can come and go at will regardless of what DIL has going on.

How utterly entitled.

Let's hope she has learned her lesson. Privacy is more valuable than manky "freebies," whatever they are.

It’s a hurtful way to treat someone. Simple as that. As a pp pointed out, I doubt many pps would be treating their own mother that way.

I really don’t understand what you are failing to grasp. MIL didn’t have a problem with DIL being unavailable. That’s why she didn’t suggest a different day. She had no reason to suggest a different day as she had no idea that DIL would be at home entertaining other family while she was delivering free gifts to the door.
MIL did not have a problem with DIL being unavailable on that day.
She had a problem with DIL entertaining family while she was expected to deliver freebies to the door and then skulk off without so much as a hello. She had a problem with that cos it’s rude.

If you're wanting to put it in context, which is fair enough, I would just refer you back to the OP which states that normally the SIL will 'stop work, make a coffee, elevenses or lunch... And they will have a chat'.

If that's the nature of their relationship generally, it really is a bit twattish to complain on the rare occasion when SIL isn't available to do that.