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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
JHound · 13/02/2025 19:32

AlexandrinaH · 13/02/2025 18:46

Men and women think differently though - whatever anyone tries to tell you.

Show quote history

Not when it comes to being low effort. No man is low effort for a woman he likes and wants to keep around.

Come on now.

napody · 13/02/2025 19:29

MzHz · 13/02/2025 16:43

he is not into you, he cba, you deserve someone who at 6m in is counting the minutes until they see you again

This. He's acting like it's a chore on his to do list. That'll do you no good at all.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:28

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/02/2025 19:14

I couldn’t be bothered to think about him anymore. He doesn’t deserve the headspace.

OP, you know you’re not interested in him now so focus on you. If/when he contacts let him know it’s him not you and then go on your merry way.

Spot on

pinkfondu · 13/02/2025 19:28

I think those who are dating atm are probs the ones who are on your side. Fuck him. If he wanted to he would!!

JHound · 13/02/2025 19:27

When somebody shows you who they are - believe them.

This is the early days. When he is meant to be impressing you. And this is how he is acting.

I would sack him off.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:26

You ask how ‘we would handle the situation’, so here is the truth lovely… I WOULD WALK AWAY NOW, in fact I would run, this guy is using you when it suits him.
Think about it, when you have a planned date /meet up/ arrangement, whatever you want to call it with him, do you get that bubble of excitement? do you look forward to seeing him? I think the answer is yes. If I could ask him the same question what do you think his answer would be? Judging by your post he wouldn’t feel any of that, he’s not into you, and he hasn’t got the guts to be honest with you. He’s definitely voiding anything to do with Valentine’s Day so that should be a lightbulb moment for you.
Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected and repeatedly let down by this man, you are worth more. Even if you stayed together ask who yourself, would you be happy? Go find a man knows the meaning of respect, because this one sure doesn’t give a hoot for your feelings.
I sincerely wish you well OP, and I’m sorry you met this arsehole of a man.

NameChanges123 · 13/02/2025 19:18

"There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it."

Yeah, and this pattern will continue. Just keep walking on...

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:15

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 18:36

Fair enough, but a couple of evenings ago OP was on her way to meet him and he cancelled because his brother wanted a favour of some kind. This kind of behaviour is not limited to him being optimistic about how much he can get done in the morning. And this was supposed to be their valentine's day celebration.

Show quote history

Depends a bit what his brother needed, doesn't it? Whether it was something that had to be done that evening or not.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/02/2025 19:14

I couldn’t be bothered to think about him anymore. He doesn’t deserve the headspace.

OP, you know you’re not interested in him now so focus on you. If/when he contacts let him know it’s him not you and then go on your merry way.

FriendsDrinkBook · 13/02/2025 19:13

Why wait until he contacts you op?

I'd simply text saying that it's not working for me and all the best etc.

It seems like you're holding out to see if he suddenly becomes your dream man , which is crazy as his actions tell you what he thinks of you. Be decisive.

IfYouLook · 13/02/2025 19:10

The brother excuse and the cancelling when you were on your way over just a few days ago smacks of someone else in the wings. Or he’s just not that into you sadly. Either way don’t waste any further time.

Cafenoisette · 13/02/2025 19:09

Did you meet him online? It sounds like he could be dating someone else at the same time, hence keep changing plans.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 13/02/2025 19:09

Meh, if he’s like that after six months what’s he going to be like after five years?

ScribblingPixie · 13/02/2025 19:09

This is only going in one direction, OP. Find someone who values you more highly.

AngelicKaty · 13/02/2025 19:07

@Sadorpetty
This:
Shoxfordian · Today 16:38
Just dump him, 6 months is long enough to know it's not working

And this:
Dror · Today 16:39
You're not going to see him for ten days and he openly can't be bothered to see you.
Believe him.
Match his energy and discard him.

YANBU or petty. At six months you should still be in the "honeymoon" phase. Sorry OP, but he's just not that into you. End it and stop torturing yourself - he'll always make you feel "less than". You deserve better - GO AND FIND HIM!

RetroTotty · 13/02/2025 19:04

'Low mood and anxiety' does not account for him binning you off for his brother though.

bigkahunaburger · 13/02/2025 18:58

I was with someone like this and I binned him off. He was really into me when we were together, multiple messages a day, lots of fawning over me - but he only wanted to make the effort to see me once a fortnight. Wasnt enough for me. So I ended it. He was gutted, and pursued me for quite some time afterwards turning up at my place (it got quite weird), and then I got the ick.

Some women would have been happy with what he was offering, but not me. Sounds like you are the same. You know what you want - hes not giving it so get rid.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:57

Would I be gutted if I didn't hear from him again? I think I probably would because of how it was left yes, not that I'd let him know that.

I'm not going to text him though. If he texts me I will end things civilly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:55

I would have been happy going over if he said he wanted to stay in, it wasn't given as an option.

I actually offered to do that initially.

Yesterday evening we were talking about seeing one another before valentines day as we couldn't on the day, I suggested I could go over to his for a couple of hours before he goes to work, he then suggested we go out for breakfast instead.

He definitely wanted to be on his own / not see me at all today.

Low mood and anxiety was mentioned above and that is something that is a factor with him and is why I've been really understanding and accommodating, until now, I really have.

I need to put myself first now as he clearly thinks he has carte blanche to cancel whenever he just cba.

OP posts:
Alalalala · 13/02/2025 18:53

Doesn’t sound childish to me so much as the final straw, and you didn’t want to hear his shit for the thousandth time.

Challenger2A7 · 13/02/2025 18:53

I'd be very suspicious that he's seeing someone else, and drops you when he can see her. He's not worth your time and effort, but you can easily find out if he's really interested in you by dumping him and going No Contact.

HotCrossBunplease · 13/02/2025 18:52

Surely the issue here is that he cancelled by text? If he was remotely genuine he’d have been on the phone saying “oh I’m so tired” and chatting to you so you could work out an alternative together. Cancelling by text is immature and calculated as a one-way conversation.

You’re meant to be romantic partners for goodness sake.

But you were a bit immature to blank him. What was needed here was for you both to agree to go your separate ways. By text if you prefer, as long as it was clear that you were ending it.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/02/2025 18:47

Sounds very childish from you. He obviously didn't think you would mind, it's only a breakfast so I'm surprised anyone would care. Fair enough if you do but communicate that, don't just ignore him in the street. I don't think your compatible.

Kulwinder54 · 13/02/2025 18:47

It was already bothering you and this was the last straw. Just end it

AlexandrinaH · 13/02/2025 18:46

Colacubegirl · 13/02/2025 17:03

I’m telling you as a mum who also suffers with anxiety and low moods that he isn’t into you the same you are him. Regardless, you always make the effort or want to see your partner. Of course they’ll be occasions like being sick that cant be helped. But he isn’t into you enough to make the effort.

Cancelling on your girlfriend just before you’re meant to meet because you basically cba and would rather chill at home… he obviously hasn’t got time for a girlfriend yet and mentally needs to be alone.

If this isn’t the first time either I would probably end things.

Men and women think differently though - whatever anyone tries to tell you.