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AIBU?

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Original poster

Blanked him after he cancelled our date, AIBU?

187 replies

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 16:35

New relationship of 6 months.

He can be a bit flaky. I try to be understanding when he's stressed with work / family matters but after him cancelling on me at short notice this morning I'm left feeling sad and unappreciated again (because it isn't the first time, he has form for it)

We won't be able to see one another next week so planned to go for a 'valentines day breakfast' this morning, as we generally can't do Fridays and weekends (children/work) and won't see each other for the next 10 days.

He text me at 7am saying

"I feel like shit today. I just want to get DC into school and get back home to relax before work. How about you take (friend) for breakfast and i'll see you tomorrow if you can do that. Sorry to cancel"

He isn't ill, that isn't what he means. He means he's tired or can't be arsed.

It upset me. I'd made an effort and was excited to see him. He knows Fridays aren't realistic.

I replied "oh thanks a bunch, it's very short notice"

Sorry, he says.

I spent the day feeling sad and unappreciated.

He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?

There is a pattern of me putting in more effort and energy than he does and I'm just tired of it.

No idea when I'll hear from him again and not sure I want to now.

Am I unreasonable and petty or is this perfectly reasonable after being messed around?

OP posts:
Olika · 14/02/2025 15:26

Well done. 👏

SALaw · 14/02/2025 14:24

I'd have done the same but that would also be the end for me.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 14:19

That's exactly what he does, if ever there's a minor disagreement or he has been a bit of an arse he pops back up like nothing has happened and expects you to have moved on from it with no actual discussion.

Imagine being married to someone like that for 20 years, it would drive me mental.

Thank you for the good wishes ☺️

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 14/02/2025 14:07

Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 10:42

He does suffer from intermittent depression that much is true (and why I've always been so understanding and flexible) but unfortunately he doesn't do much if anything to help himself. He won't take antidepressants, he's had therapy once and said it was a waste of time.

It's got to the point where he has started to negatively impact my own mood and mental health, I spent yesterday feeling really rubbish.

He doesn't consider how his behaviour impacts other people.

I think he was expecting me to bend and see him today, hence the happy valentines message.

I have replied and said that his unreliability and habit of cancelling at short notice has become a real problem for me and its not something I want in my life or from a relationship.

Edited to add - I've booked myself in to get my hair done on Tuesday as a pick me up and I'm taking your advice and taking myself out for tea today 😊

Edited

Well done OP for realising you deserve better - WAAAAAAAY better. 😊
I think it's interesting that, despite you blanking him in the street yesterday, his next contact with you is to wish you Happy Valentine's Day today. Am I the only one to see the sheer arrogance in this? After you blanked him, why didn't he message you to say "Hi sweetheart, I've obviously upset you and I'm really sorry. Can we talk?" Instead, he messages you today like its all glossed over. I hope he's bloody reeling at your response OP - you've taught him a valuable life lesson in how not to treat someone he's supposed to care about.
Have a lovely day OP - I'll raise a glass of bubbles to you later! 🤗

OldChairMan · 14/02/2025 13:07

Well done, OP. Onwards and upwards.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 14/02/2025 11:17

Dump him! He isn’t worth it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2025 11:10

6 months in and he's so flaky that "he has started to negatively impact [your] mood and mental health". So glad to see you have now ended it. Don't allow him to wheedle his way back in!

"He text me later on saying he'd look out for me on my way home from work.

Well when I did see him and he started to walk over to me I just carried on walking, I know he clocked me and will probably think I've been really rude.

How would you have handled this situation?"

How would I have handled it? I'd have kept walking too. I wouldn't have cared if he'd thought I was rude, not after his repeated rudeness, his repeated much-worse-than-you rudeness. Not after that stunt he'd pulled on you that very morning. Consequences. We teach our children that bad behaviour will bring consequences. His behaviour was bad, your deciding not to accept it was the consequence.

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 10:42

He does suffer from intermittent depression that much is true (and why I've always been so understanding and flexible) but unfortunately he doesn't do much if anything to help himself. He won't take antidepressants, he's had therapy once and said it was a waste of time.

It's got to the point where he has started to negatively impact my own mood and mental health, I spent yesterday feeling really rubbish.

He doesn't consider how his behaviour impacts other people.

I think he was expecting me to bend and see him today, hence the happy valentines message.

I have replied and said that his unreliability and habit of cancelling at short notice has become a real problem for me and its not something I want in my life or from a relationship.

Edited to add - I've booked myself in to get my hair done on Tuesday as a pick me up and I'm taking your advice and taking myself out for tea today 😊

OP posts:
RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 10:08

He simply cba @pimplebum and took OP for granted. That is clear to most of us on this thread.

pimplebum · 14/02/2025 10:03

Sounds a bit depressed ? If you are so sure he is not ill and there is a lot going around ?

but you are under no obligation to date someone depressed

blanking him was rude and immature
next time try assertiveness and say I don’t enjoy flaky you don’t need to sparkle everytime I see you but don’t cancel when his time is not flexible and he has responsibilities

RetroTotty · 14/02/2025 09:57

Have a Valentine's day with yourself! nice meal, flowers, chocs. wine? Raise a glass - Happy Valentine's to newly free ME!!!!!

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 14/02/2025 09:55

Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 09:22

He has just text me to say happy valentines day, I'm going to break it off now.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom yesterday, it really helped me to keep sight of the fact that whilst blanking him in the street was a bit unreasonable, calling it a day isn't.

Well done you, be proud of yourself. Go out for lunch or simply a posh coffee and celebrate your self respect 👏👏👏

Original poster
Sadorpetty · 14/02/2025 09:22

He has just text me to say happy valentines day, I'm going to break it off now.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom yesterday, it really helped me to keep sight of the fact that whilst blanking him in the street was a bit unreasonable, calling it a day isn't.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 13/02/2025 21:50

Blanking him was petty but it's understandable that you feel hurt.

CityofOliveBranch · 13/02/2025 21:27

FriendsDrinkBook · 13/02/2025 19:13

Why wait until he contacts you op?

I'd simply text saying that it's not working for me and all the best etc.

It seems like you're holding out to see if he suddenly becomes your dream man , which is crazy as his actions tell you what he thinks of you. Be decisive.

I completely agree with this poster

I’m not normally in favour of messaging a man when they’ve behaved like a selfish twat, but in your shoes I’d be dumping him pronto. Because I think that two very last minute cancellations from him in a few days, could well mean he’s losing interest.

So I’d get in there first.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/02/2025 20:47

Gwenhwyfar · 13/02/2025 19:15

Depends a bit what his brother needed, doesn't it? Whether it was something that had to be done that evening or not.

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I think you're having a laugh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/02/2025 20:35

I wouldn’t bother any further with him.

A breakfast isn’t worth his while to see you? Doesn’t sound worth bothering with him any more!

RedPandaLove · 13/02/2025 20:01

I think 6months is enough to decide whether you think he’s making enough effort with you. Until I met my DH, I felt like every man I dated or was in a relationship with had made me feel like how you’re feeling right now which is why it ended. Being with my lovely DH has made me realise how much time I wasted with those men before, that it was me who put the effort in, bent over backwards, only to feel let down and disappointed.

If you truly feel unappreciated in this relationship, please know that there is someone out there who would at the very least meet you half way and make you feel needed, desired and missed. Know your worth :) xx

Undrugged · 13/02/2025 20:01

He’s low effort and low energy. Depression and anxiety my arse.

I wonder if he’s so low energy and spineless that he can’t even be bothered to sack you off so is behaving shittily so you’ll do it. I know LOADS of men who have done this to my female friends, and one to me. He even told me he ‘didn’t like making decisions but this was probably a good one’ when I dumped his sorry backside 😂

SpringleDingle · 13/02/2025 20:00

I’d handle it by dumping him, I am too wonderful to be with a guy who just isn’t that into me!

Thepossibility · 13/02/2025 19:38

End it. My DH would've gone hours out of his way to see me at that stage. I was always his priority. Him making plans and cancelling them shows you he can't be arsed with you and that is just not good enough.

fatphalange · 13/02/2025 19:37

Sadorpetty · 13/02/2025 18:55

I would have been happy going over if he said he wanted to stay in, it wasn't given as an option.

I actually offered to do that initially.

Yesterday evening we were talking about seeing one another before valentines day as we couldn't on the day, I suggested I could go over to his for a couple of hours before he goes to work, he then suggested we go out for breakfast instead.

He definitely wanted to be on his own / not see me at all today.

Low mood and anxiety was mentioned above and that is something that is a factor with him and is why I've been really understanding and accommodating, until now, I really have.

I need to put myself first now as he clearly thinks he has carte blanche to cancel whenever he just cba.

Urgh, even worse. He passed the chance to be with you for a couple of hours in favour of going out for breakfast! You're at the stage where you should be ripping each other's clothes off if you don't get the chance to see each other much.

GameOfJones · 13/02/2025 19:36

It's clear he's just not that bothered about you. This should be the fun and happy stage. Cancelling last minute twice in just a few days really does tell you everything you need to know. I probably would just end it via a message tonight to avoid him messaging on Valentine's Day and you telling him to jog on. At least then it's not hanging over you wondering whether he'll get in touch.

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:33

napody · 13/02/2025 19:29

This. He's acting like it's a chore on his to do list. That'll do you no good at all.

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Yeah, unfortunately that’s true

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 13/02/2025 19:32

Katrinawaves · 13/02/2025 17:59

There are 3 doors here @Sadorpetty

Door A

Hi John. The repeated cancelling at short notice is getting old. I’m just not that into in you to be messed around in this way so I think it’s time we call it a day.

Door B

Hi John. I was upset when you cancelled again at short notice for no apparent good reason. I’m not prepared to go on in this way so over to you. Do you want to talk about this as if we’re going to continue to see each other this has to change.

Door C

Hi John. Sorry not to stop to talk this evening. In all honesty I was hacked off that you cancelled again at short notice but all good now. See you next Friday.

which one feels most inviting to you? Open that one and see where it takes you.

This is great advice, I’d choose the first option!